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I have feelings for my boss. We're both married. Help!

(48 Posts)
Notgoingto Thu 20-Jun-13 18:20:54

I am not going to cheat on my husband who I love very much. But I'm incredibly physically attracted to my boss. We sit next to each other all day at work and just the way he smells makes me crazy with wanting too have sex with him. We will in future sometimes have to travel together for work which will involve staying at the same hotel.

I do not want to and am determined not to cheat. In fact I want to flip a switch and see my boss as just another colleague who I can share a laugh with and that's it. So how do I make these thoughts and feelings go away?

My husband and I don't have much of a sex life and aren't really compatible that way. I thought I just wasn't a very sexual person... Until I met my boss.

MyPhoneIsMyWorld Sun 23-Jun-13 17:50:16

Kristina Your post is incredibly thought-provoking, especially the 'Outcome'

Notgoingto Sun 23-Jun-13 13:30:00

Spiritedwolf, that link is great. I tried several of the techniques on Friday and particularly the one about the work gaze being different from the social gaze really helped. I spent the day basically looking at people's foreheads and it helped me feel a lot less anxious than usual. I even gave a mini presentation without too much difficulty.

And I think anxiety at work has also been part of the problem. But after discussing the situation on this thread I think it really helped diffuse my feelings for boss. They're not gone, but I really think they're fading. Thank you very much, everyone, this has helped immensely.

cafecito Fri 21-Jun-13 00:53:36

that blog is great! I tend to come across as flirty when I am not trying to be at all.

I got myself into rather an awful mess at work, I had strong feelings for my boss that just appeared out of the blue and though I did not act upon it, it was weird and tense from both sides and it got far too emotionally involved and just bizarre so I ended up leaving. I wish none of that had happened, as it has permanently destroyed a brilliant friendship too and caused him some immense difficulties over nothing. The whispers and the office circular emails aren't much fun either if there's arumour mill, especially if he is married too.

I think in your case, this is symptomatic of your dissatisfaction with your life. Please don't let that blur into your work, it is not the same thing at all.

Spiritedwolf Fri 21-Jun-13 00:32:11

Couple of things, have you ever had counselling for the abuse that happened to you? Would you consider it now? Even if you have had counselling before now, I wonder if there are still (understandably) issues around sex that you need to work out for yourself. For example,your husbands lack of sexual interest in you may have made him feel safe before, but now you are maybe ready for a sexual relationship his lack of interest is a problem rather than a bonus.

I don't know about the terms you and your husband use for sex 'attack you tonight' it wouldn't make me feel sexy.

Anyway, the main thing I wanted to do, on the not flirting thing, was to link to this article which talks about a professional/businesss gaze rather than social/flirty gaze in work situations, that you might find helpful. www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-leadership/post/10-common-body-language-traps-for-women-in-the-workplace/2011/03/03/AFl0GFbF_blog.html

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 20-Jun-13 21:40:56

I think paper lantern has picked on crucial point.

You could maybe benefit from tackling your past Abuse and seeing if you can kindle a Good sex life with your Dh. You seem to like him.

gentlemendontpreferblondes Thu 20-Jun-13 21:30:41

i can understand y you feel this way. but as you know it's because of what\s going on at home that's highlighting things at work? when yr DH is not exactly jumping on you it's fucking depressing. good luck Notgoingto.

paperlantern Thu 20-Jun-13 21:22:20

Has no one picked up on the fact you experienced sexual abuse as a child? I am sorry to hear that.

Do you think perhaps you have picked someone who you don't find sexually attractive because it's safe, and conversely now you are married in a non sexually threatening relationship fancying someone is also now safe (because it isn't going to happen because of course you are going to jeopardise your marriage)

No advise I'm afraid just thoughts

katydid02 Thu 20-Jun-13 21:15:05

Sorry to say, but it will all end in tears if you take your feelings further.

Notgoingto Thu 20-Jun-13 21:13:28

That's it exactly, yamsareyammy, mixed signals! And then we end up feeling awkward, I feel turned off by the way he grabs my breasts etc during the awkwardness, and I move away and we both change the subject. Aaaarrrgh!

Thanks, all. Going to turn off the computer and try to get some rest for tomorrow so won't respond here again tonight. You've given me a lot to think about, that's for sure. Avon, thank you for your faith in me re 3), I will not act on my feelings for my boss. The realisation from this thread that its actually a problem in my relationship with my husband that I need to work on has made me see the boss thing as more of a distraction than anything real. That plus picturing him on the toilet has helped immensely!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 20-Jun-13 21:11:27

I agree with everyone who has said that you need to talk to your husband. NOT about the feelings for your boss - but about your lack of attraction to each other.
It's very easy to 'hold on tight to nurse, for fear of finding something worse' - but that is to deny both of you the prospect of real love and partnership.
If you both feel the same then you could end up being great friends - still there for each other - but it would be a lot more honest than what you've got now.
Do you want to still be in this position in 20, 30 years' time? Where do you see yourself?

yamsareyammy Thu 20-Jun-13 21:01:00

that should be mixed, not Fixed.

yamsareyammy Thu 20-Jun-13 20:59:53

I think you need a talk with your husband urgently.
It is possible that between the two of you , that there are Fixed signals, especially sexually.

For instance, you want him, sort of.
But because you are a bit hesitant, he is a bit hesitant, and so the cycle continues.

AvonCallingBarksdale Thu 20-Jun-13 20:53:33

And to answer your question, yes it does matter if the desire for sex is not balanced by both parties. Being totally objective, you could look at it in the following ways
1) You broach this with your husband, seek couples counselling (but you both need to want to do this) and try again
2) You take a deep breath, broach this with your husband, seek couples counselling and realise that the best thing for both of you would be to separate
3) That would be acting on your feelings for your boss, but you sound like a kind, lovely person, so I don't htink you'd do that without exploring 1 or 2 first

Keztrel Thu 20-Jun-13 20:51:09

It doesn't have to fade, it goes up and down for sure but loads and loads of people have great sex into old age! In fact it often improves with time.

AvonCallingBarksdale Thu 20-Jun-13 20:49:42

Well, maybe you thought that was what you wanted because there is no sexual attraction btw you and your DH. But now you have experienced sexual attraction to someone else (doesn't have to have been your boss), obviously those feelings are there for you, just not towards the person you're married to. Had you not felt sexually attracted to anyone before your husband? I'm wondering if that's how you ended up marrying, because he's a lovely man and that seemed, at the time, to be enough? As a comparison, DH and I have been married for 16 years now and although obv we don't have sex as frequently as we did in the beginning, there is a definite sexual attraction there on both sides.

Notgoingto Thu 20-Jun-13 20:43:13

Sexual attraction fades in a marriage, though, doesn't it? So does it really matter that much if it was never there? I'm very confused! Avon I did think it was what I wanted but now I just don't know.

VBisme Thu 20-Jun-13 20:41:50

I just want to be happy with my lovely, kind husband.

So did I, and I ended up happy with a different lovely, kind husband.

However, if you want to make it work with your lovely husband then could you talk to him about possibly going to counselling? Or some kind of couples therapy.

I made the mistake of never letting my first husband know that he was at risk of losing me until it was too late and I'd already gone.

We should have talked years before, but we never discussed our (none existant) sex life.

Keztrel Thu 20-Jun-13 20:41:32

OP, I think you sound like a nice person, but your relationship with your husband is the problem here. A marriage with no sexual attraction is a pointless waste of your lives (unless its what you both want of course). Id recommend some kind of counselling.

AvonCallingBarksdale Thu 20-Jun-13 20:39:41

But don't you and your husband both deserve to be with people who they fancy (for want of a better word) and for whom that feeling is reciprocated? I couldn't live in a marriage like yours sad You sound as though you're scared of opening that box because you can see the inevitable end result. But maybe it's the right end result for you both. At the moment, you're married to a really good friend. Is that what you want?

Notgoingto Thu 20-Jun-13 20:33:49

Thanks, scaevola, I will get the book.

Notgoingto Thu 20-Jun-13 20:32:42

VBisme, I'm glad you're happy but your story is chilling as its exactly what I'm afraid of (the part about the business trip and being sure you won't cheat). I just want to be happy with my lovely, kind husband. But maybe he knows our marriage isn't right, too. Would it really help to talk about it, though? To come right out and say "we don't fancy each other, do we"? Not sure what that could achieve except splitting.

scaevola Thu 20-Jun-13 20:32:06

Don't just do the Shirley Glass quiz.

Read the book. Although a lot of it is angled at making sense of post-infidelity devastation, read before the slide to affair has gone very far, it will show you the work you need to do on your marriage.

Or at least get you thinking about your marriage. You do not have to stay with a man you have outgrown. But you need to decide that when your head isn't full of your boss.

VBisme Thu 20-Jun-13 20:24:26

Okay, like I said, I was in a very similar situation. Let me tell you how it turned out....

I was the main earner in my marriage with an extremely caring, loving man, who I'd been with for 15 years. No chemistry on either side for about 10 of those years. But I could imagine being without him, we were best friends.

Started working closely with a colleague who was recently seperated, massive chemistry on every level, we just "got" each other.

We went away on a business trip, I was sure that there was no way I'd cheat on my husband...... I did.

My colleague and I have now been married 3 years and are incredibly happy, my ex husband has accepted the situation well (he knew our marriage wasn't right) but I was in absolute hell for years because of the guilt I felt, My ex is a lovely guy and didn't deserve to be cheated on.

What I would do differently would be to leave my ex before I started a relationship (I did within a month, but I still cheated).

If you think you can handle it and get over what you think is a crush then keep going. But please don't be alone with him, go for a drink and most of all could you tell your husband you have a stupid crush - that would knock it on the head straight away.

Good luck!

Notgoingto Thu 20-Jun-13 20:23:43

Thank you so much, Kristina, what you said is so helpful and I thin you're absolutely right. I know if I were to have an affair I would just end up miserable and hating myself. I also think this attraction to the boss is a way of escaping my true problems, of which I have several, including lack of a real sex life with my husband.

What attracted me to my husband is he is the kindest, most caring person I have ever met. In addition he's extremely talented, hardworking and creative. But there was never really a sexual attraction between us. In the past with boyfriends they would pester me for sex and it was really annoying and I felt kind of disgusted by it (I was sexually abused as a child). So until I got this crush I thought having a nearly sexless marriage was ideal. I need therapy, I think!

KristinaFranziska Thu 20-Jun-13 20:13:42

OK, my take:

Reality is that human race only survives due to attraction.
You are experiencing attraction: it may be physical, mental, emotional, hormonal. It may go both ways and it may not. You are feeling this and deeply: hooray! that's normal and wonderful and delicious. BUT and it is a BUT, you can choose to acknowledge it (which you have done here and congratulations!) and you can also choose to not act on it.

Likelihood is that when a man sleeps with a woman other than his wife it's an ego boost, a physical release like scratching a big itch, or having a drink in the pub 'cos he fancies a pint. It's just a "nice" thing to do for himself. There's no love. There's no respect because a respectful man would not "use" a colleage.

Likelihood is that when a woman sleeps with a man, it is perceived as an emotional intimacy. A desire to fill the void from the marriage.

Outcome: man's focus from his own marriage is diluted and his sexual energies go elsewhere than the woman he (may have) promised his fidelity to. Her marriage suffers because it's integrity is broken.
Woman falls in love 'cos that's how our hormones work, is hooked in and ends up even more unhappy because her choice is to give him up or to settle for crumbs of snatched attention.

I have never yet met a woman whose long term self esteem is boosted by an affair. Long term she gets rejected because he will stay with his wife, and if he doesn't she can never trust her new partner not to repeat the affair.

There's lots you can do to examine your own marriage in detail and improve things there.

First question to ask I suggest:
What attracted you to your husband in the first place?
What made you choose him over all the other available men?

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