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I believe in my instinct re DH is lying....

(77 Posts)
rincereuserecycle Wed 19-Jun-13 13:00:23

My gut is screaming at me and I hope you can help

Bit of background, 6mtsh ago I found texts on my DH phone of a sexual nature to and from an OW, cue big argument ,DH protested stupidity on his side nothing serious to it ,nothing like that ever happened before (so he said), he said that it was harmless and would never happen again. OW has since moved abroad.

At that time I reacted to quickly and did not have all my cards and he was able to delete everything before I saw full history.

Present day, my gut is screaming at me that there is more and I need to try to find out or I will go insane, well maybe not but you get my drift.

He has an Ipnone which I never get to and I don’t have one so not sure if I can even know how to use it.

Since then I have become very distrustful of him and I now believe he can lie so easily.

He says that he has no email account, this I do not believe as he is very knowledgeable IT wise, so I will come to my point and ask for your help to see if there is there any way for me to find if he has a secrete email account, I am not very technical so I would need your help with this.

We joint use the home desktop which he clears history regularly, any tips on what I should be looking for,I would be most grateful.

I know you will say that if the trust is gone than everything is gone, you are probably right but I will not be made a fool of and I have to believe in what I feel.

If I have left anything out I will answer all your questions.
thanks all.

(and to be honest, if you ask to see his messages/emails right that instant and he refuses then that's your proof really. Especially if you explain to him that if he refuses then you'll take it as a given that he has something to hide. Sounds petty/extreme but he can't expect you to trust him straight away when he's been so shady in the past and still seems to be secretive with his phone).

Dackyduddles Wed 19-Jun-13 13:43:02

You sound determined to find something. You believe him guilty so to my mind are feeding your instincts.

I don't trust him....he must have done something.....I don't trust him.....I must be right.....he's hiding it...he must be as I haven't found anything....I don't trust him....

This is basically what I'm hearing. Instinct has nothing to do with it

OneMoreChap Wed 19-Jun-13 13:43:56

You can leave anyway, if he's making you unhappy, and it certainly sounds as if he is.

Just as an aside, if you do ask him right this second for his messages and emails and he complies, and you find nothing:

i) will it make you believe him
ii) will it improve your relationship

I'd guess no to both.
If your relationship is unhappy, and you can't see a convincing way forward, then by all means LTB. He may decide he doesn't see how you will ever believe him, that the trust is irretrievably gone and LTB alternatively.

rincereuserecycle Wed 19-Jun-13 13:49:25

yes I agree and understand that maybe it is my own mind that is feeding my instincts, but before I make any decision I have to try and find out , I owe it to myself.If I find nothing and I still dont regain the trust in time than I will need to look futher at myelf.
thanks for all of the suggestions I will try and get fimilar with some of this.

lemonstartree Wed 19-Jun-13 13:55:05

I do not believe for a single minute that he does not have email. My 8 year old has an email account ; EVERYONE has an email account (apart from my 97 year old blind grandmother) Does he think you are stupid ?

rincereuserecycle Wed 19-Jun-13 14:02:23

yes Lemon, sad but true I do think he does think I am stupid,I am not so stupid now I am going to build my knowledge and go from there..

Key logger software is sneaky but works. Only ever to be used if the relationship is game over all bar the proof. I used one, refog or something, which had a 3 day free trial. It was long enough to get XH's passwords and I got my proof that way.
There is no coming back from spying like that, don't do it if you are just curious/insecure/nosy. It's pretty unforgivable.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 19-Jun-13 14:14:20

His iphone is the key I'm sure.

If you double click the home button (circle button) the apps he has recently used will pop up on the bottom of the screen.

If you can hold of his phone that is.

I've been in this position and it's awful, my dp had been cheating.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 19-Jun-13 14:20:18

Has must have set up his iphone via iTunes on your desktop? Ask him how he managed to set this up without an email address, should be interesting.

rincereuserecycle Wed 19-Jun-13 14:26:00

the penny has dropped...how has he twitter,facebook..with no email,in my defense I never questioned any of this as I trusted him.

Teeb Wed 19-Jun-13 14:27:12

He must have an email account. If he has ever bought anything online, ever joined a forum, ever used facebook then he will have an email address. It really is insulting your intelligence to make out that he hasn't got an email address op.

MildredIsMyAlterEgo Wed 19-Jun-13 14:47:36

How long ago did you ask him about having an email account?

You need to get on his phone if possible - does he take it to the bathroom when he has a shit/shower? Is he a light sleeper? Could you pretend you want to play angry birds while having a very long session on the toilet?

OneMoreChap Wed 19-Jun-13 14:50:59

What, he's got FB and Twitter?
He's having you over, pet.

You don't need any more evidence thany that. "You're a liar, tosspot. Pack your bags" sounds like the next step.

OneMoreChap Wed 19-Jun-13 14:54:55

hmm at "pet". Sorry about that.

SickOfYourShit Wed 19-Jun-13 16:07:58

I wouldn't question him further until you e had chance to check everything.

lovesfastcars Wed 19-Jun-13 16:18:14

It is possible to view even deleted emails and the first couple of lines on an iPhone using a function called spotlight search, which is quick and easy. It is how I finally got to the truth about my H s affair.
To enable it (if not already on as it is usually on as a default setting) click on the square marked settings, then click on 'general' then click on 'spotlight search'
You will then get a list of things up on the screen. Click on email and messages (so a tick appears next to them) unless they are already ticked.
Now if you go back to the original home screen, swipe to the right, and click the 'search' box and enter a common letter (e.g a)
All emails and texts (even deleted ones) should appear in list form .
If you want to be more specific, type in 'love' that was a shock for me, I can tell you!
Good luck x

ImperialBlether Wed 19-Jun-13 18:24:27

Lovesfastcars, I was with you until you said, "Now if you go back to the original home screen, swipe to the right, and click the 'search' box..."

What do you mean by the original home screen? It's a new phone for me and I'm still playing around with it.

SickOfYourShit Wed 19-Jun-13 18:38:14

Love means... Swipe to the right etc...
When you're on the main screen on the phone, you scroll to the left and you see pages of icons and apps etc.
But if you're on the main screen and scroll to the right, a search box comes up and a keyboard to enter a search on the phone

clam Wed 19-Jun-13 18:40:10

By scrolling to the right, they mean move your thumb to the right, and the screen will shift to the left, giving you a blank-ish page with a search bar at the top.

ImperialBlether Wed 19-Jun-13 18:42:31

Sorry, got it - I was swiping the wrong way! I wondered what that keyboard was for - didn't realise it was for searching the phone.

Thanks!

AnyFucker Wed 19-Jun-13 18:54:53

If he deletes some things and not others that is pretty damning, IMO

OneMoreChap Wed 19-Jun-13 19:45:03

The other issue is private browsing in Chrome. If he's opened it in incognito (porn) mode there may not be much tracked there.

I tend to delete stuff like crazy - not so much history, but cookies.

lovesfastcars Wed 19-Jun-13 20:13:07

Yes, sorry I wasn't too clear in my explanation. The display only shows a couple of lines of the text messages (sent and received) of deleted texts, but all email content if u click on any email displayed.
Once the search function is set up, it takes only seconds to swipe and search quickly anytime you get the chance.
Deleting them permanantly is time consuming and a bit of a faff. Plus not many people realise that they remain as data in the phone even after being deleted.
I scared the shit out of my DH explaining this function to him in detail while holding his phone. He had smugly handed it over thinking he had deleted a whole load of incriminating crap! Wanker! He works in IT too!
Hope this proves useful to someone else.

Lavenderhoney Wed 19-Jun-13 20:25:52

Do you know her name? If so, and you can get in his phone, assuming he hasn't got a code on it to open it, put in the code. Sweep your finger to the right. Type her name in the box. Anything ever sent will come up. Its a search function for the whole phone , text, email etc.

You can even type xx and see if anything comes up.

He has got email. You can't open twitter and fb or have an iPhone without it.

The app for mail is at the bottom, called mail. Tap it and email accounts will come up.

bonbonpixie Wed 19-Jun-13 21:24:31

Look at his phone when he is in the shower.
Did this once with an ex when it clicked that he was sleeping with the phone under his pillow and wouldn't let me near it. He forgot about the shower though....

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