Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My alcoholic mother is being made homeless. I've distanced myself but had a call for help.wwyd?

(104 Posts)
BriansBrain Tue 18-Jun-13 20:12:27

I've had a thread on here before about what a nightmare my mother has been in the past due to her ill health and alcholism and received lots of support.

Sad to say I'm back again.

I'm married with DC, full time career and moved away from my/our home town 15 years ago because as selfish as it sounds she is such hard word, lying, threatening suicide, lying. I couldn't take to any more.

We used to speak on the phone but she would tell me constant lies.

The house was unkept to the point where I couldn't visit with DC because of the smoke and alchol and general state of it all.

She would be hospitalised, I refused to visit every time because nothing changed.

I know I sound selfish but I like to think of it as protective of my little family.

No dad, grandparents just me and then my mothers sister who lives hours and hours away.

She lost her house and the last I heard she was doing fine in residential care and waiting for assisted housing (all of these words are new to me and mean nothing) I have text but not had any replies or just "I'm fine" replies.

Mothers sister calls today, mum is suicidal and the assisted housing has fallen through,social services have said she needs to leave residential and offered her a flat with no assistance and in an area she doesn't want to live in.

She is saying no so SS are saying its the flat or homeless your choice.

Sister wants me to swoop in. And save the day because mother is rock bottom again

Sorry it's so long and I've kept it bullet point to keep my emotions out because I have had this for many many sad years since a child myself and every is great and now this.

I k ow this is my mother but I can't let the DC k ow what's going on, youngest doesn't even know who she is.

I'm going to finish putting DC to bed and hope someone an help me figure out what I am going to have to do.

missalien Wed 19-Jun-13 10:25:43

Let the experts deal with her that is what they are there for.

Your only responsibility is to your own children and husband who are the ones who support you.

These people drain everyone around them and then move on to the next sucker . You can't cure or help its only enabling her to cover up and hide from her problems longer .

There is nothing you can do , except be the best mum you can be to your own.

MNEdBlackpoolWiganandSalford Wed 19-Jun-13 10:28:34

"Of course her sister wants you to take care of her, she knows your mum is a bloody nightmare! She knows that she's had enough of your mum and is desperately trying to pass her on to anyone who will take her away and deal with her. That's not you. You have your family now. Your mum is your mother but she's not part of your family in the same way that your husband and children are. She lost that right long, long ago by her own actions. Look after your family and yourself."

This^^ speaking from experience, you can not allow this woman to enter your life and turn it upside down, when she starts drinking again and she is turning the house and your children's lifes upside down it will be too late.

She HAS options, she is not homeless, she has offer of a flat, she has social services helping her. she is doing it for pity and attention so the world will continue to revolve around her. She would not rather be on the streets than live in a flat in an area she does not want.

I know its harsh but I am speaking from experience, please do not let her in your home.

CerealMom Wed 19-Jun-13 14:27:08

Change your mobile/landline and email.

Enjoy your stable family life.

BriansBrain Wed 19-Jun-13 16:12:23

Thank you all again for helping me stay strong.

I'm going to text my Aunt as I agreed to yesterday tomorrow and tell her there is nothing I can do, I need to stay strong for my family and getting involved again will be no help to anyone.

<gulp>

BriansBrain Wed 19-Jun-13 19:57:54

Just listened to a message from my mothers sister left on my mobile. Sounds like my cousin has been heavily involved with trying to help her with SS.

Message was along the lines of dont call the women from SS because they have washed their hands of your mother and as of next week she is officially homeless so between us we need to find her a bedsit or somewhere with us, god knows who is paying for this bedsit or the deposit or anything else it needs.

I'm ashamed to admit I'm scared because I just don't want to get involved.

She has gone from a mentally unstable, vulnerable adult with suicidal tendencies to some one SS has washed their hands off.

I can only imagine what has been going on.

Bogeyface Netherlands Wed 19-Jun-13 20:00:21

Have SS washed their hands of her, or has she told them to sod off? Why wouldnt your aunt want you to ring SS? Surely all they will do is confirm what your Aunt is telling you.

I smell a rat here, I wonder if your aunt is in on the plan to get you to take over responsibility.

gamerchick Wed 19-Jun-13 20:03:40

Roughly translated 'I don't want to put any money up so maybe you will!'

Short message, to the point 'I can't help, please don't contact me again regarding this matter' and ignore anything after that.

It's harsh I know but there are few people who can enter other peoples carcrash lives and come out unscathed. You have to think of yourself and your family. Bitter experience says you can't help anybody who doesn't want to be helped and your mother sounds like one of them. I'm sorry sad

Roshbegosh Wed 19-Jun-13 20:11:10

Step away from the chaos.
You don't need anyone's approval in your family so step away.
If you got her a bedsit she wouldn't pay the rent and she would learn that she can rely on you to rescue her forever, you as a person do not exist.
Step away.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Wed 19-Jun-13 20:13:37

Hi BB, you know what to do don't you? It's just more drama, more guilt and more of them trying to offload her onto you. 'Don't call SS' - my arse. She is a grown up and someone who has managed to reach old age with alcoholism. She is plenty strong enough to look after herself.

This is so hard for you so stay strong and think of your lovely DCs and your very wise DH and how happy you are as a family unit and how nothing should come between that. flowers flowers flowers

BriansBrain Wed 19-Jun-13 20:14:14

How does this sound (I really can't be rude to my Aunt and I know I a about to cut all ties with the very little, distant family I have left)

"I don't understand how she has gone from being offered some where to needing is to find/fund a bedsit. With no chance of further SS help. I don't believe jumping in the place of professionals will work at all"

I don't know how to finish the message and I now she/they are going to flip their lid when I send it.

I'd had such a positive day today as well sad

gamerchick Wed 19-Jun-13 20:16:52

Then don't answer it today. Sleep on it and maybe answer it tomorrow - or the next day.

As it is that message is fine by itself or stick an 'I'm sorry' on the end to finish it off.

YellowTulips Wed 19-Jun-13 20:17:46

If your aunt wants to offer support its up to her, but she shouldn't expect you to pick up the pieces.

It's guilt in a very raw form. Your aunt feels like she has done her job (thus absolving herself) by contacting you.

The irony is she is probably better placed to help your mum than you - but she doesn't want to.

That doesn't mean you should step in. Quite rightly your family is your priority. You mum has options - she doesn't have to be homeless - it's her choice.

Right now booze is more important than anything else - so fine. That's her choice. She is an adult.

As an adult yourself, your choice is your family - and it's the right one smile

Badvoc Wed 19-Jun-13 20:21:20

I can't help.
Please do not contact me again.
Change your phone number if necessary.
Stay strong op x

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Wed 19-Jun-13 20:22:07

"I don't understand how she has gone from being offered somewhere to now needing is to find/fund a bedsit. I'm sorry if this is the case but I cannot help."

BriansBrain Wed 19-Jun-13 20:30:35

Thank you all so much, it really is helping.

I think I will leave it tonight and speak to DH before sending the shorter Version suggested by Ton

I'm quite cross because I've lost my appetite for the thin crust pizza I'm having for a treat.

At least I know my aunt is too far away to turn up here and the cousin, I hope, will think twice before coming here because my DC know nothing about any of this.

CinnamonAddict Wed 19-Jun-13 20:31:09

Stay strong. She's been offered help and if she doesn't take it, it's her choice. Protect your family and don't feel guilty.

Write what Ton said.
She's been offered a place and is not homeless.

Detach. Detach. Detach

iwantanafternoonnap Wed 19-Jun-13 20:32:57

I am not a total expert in this but do know a little of dealing with alcoholics through A and E.

I would say that the whole 'SS have washed their hands of her' may refer to her not sticking to rules set out in the residential place she was at and continuing to drink/be abusive/nuisance etc. They may have then stated that they are unable to accommodate her due to her inability to adhere to these rules or interact with the local Alcohol team to reduce/stop her drinking. This of course depends on the placement/assisted housing that was being offered.

The local council only have to offer her accommodation but if she refuses those then she needs to find her own accommodation. So effectively SS have done what they can, the council have done what they need to do but if your mum doesn't engage as she wants to continue to live her life drinking etc then you could say they have washed their hands off her. She is an adult and therefore responsible for her own actions and although sad there isn't much you can do.

I would say to your Aunt that you have spent much of your life picking your mum up and sorting her out but that you can no longer do this due to your young family need you.

It is shit when one of your parents is an alcoholic but there really isn't that much you can do about it when they are intent on carrying on drinking. My dad was homeless at one point, then kept getting thrown out of the hostels because he kept on drinking and sneaking booze in. Eventually SS found him a bedsit where he could just keep on drinking with all the other drunks. I had no contact with him for years because quite frankly I did not need a selfish arsehole in my life that cared more about his drinking mates than his own children.

Stay strong and don't get sucked in. xxx

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 19-Jun-13 20:35:19

There's a reason they don't want you to talk to social services and that's because they aren't giving you the true picture.

You owe her nothing.

In your shoes I would say that the only thing I am willing to do is to have one conversation with social services about how they are going to help her and that's it.
If your relatives can know the way you have been treated by her and still try to make you the bad guy then you need them out of your life too

YellowTulips Wed 19-Jun-13 20:39:15

My response would be:

"SS have already offered help and support. If my mother does not wish to accept this then offering any alternative is likely to prevent any pro-active professional support in the future. She is a victim of her own behaviour. If she really wants to change her circumstances then she needs to tackle her addition. There has been no evidence she wishes to do so. Helping her now is simply feeding her dependency and I have no wish to do anything that further contributes to her alcoholism. Having lived with this through my childhood I am also not willing to allow this disease to impact my children and if my mother was dry I doubt she would want me to. So until the day she chooses her family over booze, I need, as a mother myself to choose my children over her. I am sure you can understand this upsetting, but necessary choice on my part."

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Wed 19-Jun-13 20:42:45

Write what YellowTulip put. It is good smile

IWipeArses Wed 19-Jun-13 20:45:33

Stay strong. I know how hard it is.

"There's nothing I can do to help I'm afraid, though if you want her to live with you I have no objections"

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 19-Jun-13 20:49:28

Ooh yellow. That is brilliant.

Dozer Wed 19-Jun-13 21:00:09

You don't owe her anything. She may be in her 60s and unwell, but it's her addiction and choices that have led to the current problems, and it's for her to resolve.

As for your other family, they can make their own decisions about their level of engagement with your mother. If they can't consider your needs (her child, who was put through hell for many, many years and has despite this built a happy, busy family life) and those of your DC, and get angry or cut ties with you because you won't engage in the drama, then (very sadly) they can't be your ( extended) family right now.

BriansBrain Wed 19-Jun-13 21:01:45

I don't want to be involved even if she is on the wagon, apparently she is and has been for a while but how many times have I heard that, how many nights have I had her on the phone repeating her self because she doesn't remember what she has all ready told me.

How many times has it been all about her without asking after the DC.

How many times have I called or text and she forgets and then I get crap from my cousin for not being in touch and not caring.

It's my fault for not visiting because her house wasnt fit or healthy for crawling DC.

How many hospital trips for attempting suicide did I not go to and "leave my cousin to deal with" I didn't ask her to do anything and I have work and small children, what am I supposed to do?

How many times have we needed help in the holidays or to have family around like other people do.

How many how manys can my head take?

BriansBrain Wed 19-Jun-13 21:04:13

IWipe you made me laugh, can you imagine how their heads would explode in self righteous importance if I sent that!!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now