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Step families. Need advice please

(58 Posts)
ellie1234 Tue 18-Jun-13 18:40:56

This is what happened......
Weekend away with my son (age 20) and my boyfriend to see my family and friends. A lovely welcoming and close time was had by all.....we always do.
Coming home my boyfriend is worried as traffic is delaying the journey home and his daughter(age20) is cooking a Fathers Day meal for him, consequently he does not have time to drop us home (it would have added 15mns to the journey) We get to his house at 8.00pm. His daughter says she did not realise my son was with us and there is only food enough for him and me.
As a result my son sits in front room while we sit in kitchen eating!
What happened??
Should I have stood my ground?
Should boyfriend have stood his ground and found extra food and been welcoming. (which he found in freezer after we finished eating)
Should his daughter have had the nouce to have been more welcoming.
It just felt so bad after the lovely time with my family.....or am I expecting too much

Boosterseat Tue 18-Jun-13 18:48:02

You could have politely declined the meal and sat and waited with your son in the living room while they had a father daughter chat over dinner as previously arranged?

couldn't you have got a taxi home?

"Lovely time with my family."

She is your family is she not?

Tbf she was a little rude in the way she handled the situation but gate crashing her Father's Day meal and then complaining about it is worse.

ellie1234 Tue 18-Jun-13 18:55:21

Boosterseat. I understand the confusion but I was not gate crashing. I was expected it was just that BF had not told me! She was excited about cooking for us both and I did not want to disappoint her

Ogg Tue 18-Jun-13 18:58:49

She's 20 - you should have just rung and explained about the traffic and that he would be 15 /20 mins late no brainer

squeelybean Tue 18-Jun-13 19:04:15

Absolutely agree with Ogg

At 20 you understand the traffic issues that can happen.

Did she apologise to your DS for being so rude and not spreading the meal a bit thinly instead of shutting him out.

ellie1234 Tue 18-Jun-13 19:16:01

My BF did ring and tell her about the traffic and she was cool. It was just that we were two hours late and he did not want to be later

ellie1234 Tue 18-Jun-13 19:26:50

And no squeelybean. There has been no apology

Xales Tue 18-Jun-13 19:31:28

I actually think it is really mean can you imagine how unwelcome your DS felt by your BF and his DD?

It wouldn't have hurt anyone to look in the freezer, sort out extra food and have a laugh about it right from arrive rather than shove your DS else where.

EllaFitzgerald Tue 18-Jun-13 19:35:08

Did anyone tell her that your DS was with you too? If not, then I think you're being a little harsh. She's 20 years old, perhaps not an experienced housewife and may have found it difficult to make the meal stretch to an extra portion.

mynewpassion Tue 18-Jun-13 19:55:13

You both being two hours late trumps any of her rudeness.

ellie1234 Tue 18-Jun-13 20:39:45

This is how my son sums it up.
Not the fault of the daughter.....she did not know he would be there. Is cross with my BF because he was disorganised and made us late.....then was too worried about upsetting his daughter to drop him off home......then he did not show his daughter where spare food was in the freezer. However both BF and I know daughter could have had a hissy fit if anyone had suggested that extra food was cooked for my son. My son not aware of the hissy fit potential!!
I forgive my BF making us late and then not dropping us off because he was worried about his daughter but I must admit I am upset neither he nor my daughter could welcome my son into the kitchen

Doha Tue 18-Jun-13 20:50:46

Your poor DS. I think it was incredibly rude of DP his DD and you not to involve your DS in the meal. I am shocked he had to sit in another room while you all stuffed your face without a thought for him at all.

How would your DP feel if it was his daughter left hungry in another room.

I am horrified--fathers day on not that you did nothing for your DS.

He deserves better than this act of selfishness by all 3 of you

ellie1234 Tue 18-Jun-13 20:55:17

Yeah Doha you are right. I should have excused myself and sat with my son. It would have caused trouble with BF and his daughter but I should have done what I knew to be right

ellie1234 Tue 18-Jun-13 21:00:49

The issue is I do things like this to keep the peace, but little things like this happen a lot.....my BF is kind and generous but only so far. Stuff like this makes me think I should cut my losses. But I don't want to I just want them to realise how their actions affect us. I am very sad.

GingerJulep Tue 18-Jun-13 21:28:26

At 20 I'd have sent your DS home by himself - even if you felt like splashing on a mini cab for him.

Your DP's daughter had already not spent the whole of Father's Day with her dad whilst he was doing things with your family. She'd then been excited about cooking for both him AND you.

You turned up over 2 hours late with an extra (already spent time with) mouth.

She probably didn't handle it well but neither did any of the rest of you... and at least two are old enough to know better!

Numberlock Tue 18-Jun-13 21:34:29

I really can't imagine any universe where I would leave my son out like this.

I'm surprised he doesn't hold you in any way responsible though.

How on earth did you manage to be 2 hours late in the first place?

financialnightmare Tue 18-Jun-13 22:03:24

I would have just shared my dinner with my son, and not made a big deal of it. Random people always seem to turn up at mine at dinner time - we just adjust portions. It's WEIRD to exclude anyone.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Tue 18-Jun-13 22:16:09

Your DP doesn't come off well in this as the 15 mins extra it would have taken to drop you are you son home would have saved a lot of awkwardness and trouble. How were you supposed to get home from his place? Or was he expecting you to wait around while he ate his special Father's Day meal and he would take you home afterwards?

I'd also have to say that in your shoes I would either have said 'It's OK, me and DS will go and get something ourselves' or have suggested ways to make the meal stretch to an extra person - e.g. have nipped down the road to get some garlic bread or salad or whatever from the nearest Spar to bulk it out. I would have felt very uncomfortable at excluding someone like that. And again, if your son had been taken straight home it wouldn't have happened. Tbh if you were already 2 hours late I don't see why another 15 mins would have made a crucial difference! Your DP should have taken the time to do that and given that he didn't I think you should have tried a bit harder to smooth over the difficulty of having an extra person.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Tue 18-Jun-13 22:18:31

Right, have just read your last post, OP - you know what you need to do which is to stop keeping the peace and speak up when poor treatment is going on. I would like to suggest a couple of books by Anne Dickson - A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You, and Difficult Conversations - this last one is great for giving you 'scripts' to deal with all sorts of very awkward situations.

LittleFrieda Wed 19-Jun-13 09:30:26

What was the food? I don't see why it couldn't have been shared between 4 rather than 3.

sweetpeasunday Wed 19-Jun-13 09:47:30

Oh good God, how awful. The DD is 20, in an awkward social situation, trying to do something nice for her dad, who has been out all day with his GF and her son (on Father's Day) and turned up two hours late. Quite frankly, if her father is that insensitive, then I think the 'hissy fit potential hmm' is justified.

The adults here (that is, you and BF) should have taken the initiative to sort the situation. By a) apologising to DD, and either b) paying for a taxi to get DS home, if he did not want to stay or b) helping her sort out the food situation so it would stretch to four people. Any hissy fits could have been smoothed over. You either include everyone if you are a step family or keep it separate.

Numberlock Wed 19-Jun-13 10:11:30

his daughter(age20) is cooking a Fathers Day meal for him

If the meal was for her and her father, why did you eat with them and not go home/wait with your son?

Reading your OP back, you make yourself sound like a passive observer to the whole event!

ellie1234 Wed 19-Jun-13 10:32:12

Numberlock you are right I was too passive. I should have sat with my son and waited for a lift or taxi. I ate with them because I was invited( though BF did not warn me I was invited) and I did not want to upset his daughter, but in so doing I upset my own son.
BF is going to talk to his daughter about her excluding my son...this is a theme and has happened before, his elder daughters have both done it.
My issue is how can I tell BF that he was also guilty in the whole affair.....he should have taken us home, I have tried but he just got upset

DIYapprentice Wed 19-Jun-13 10:39:49

My issue is how can I tell BF that he was also guilty in the whole affair.....he should have taken us home, I have tried but he just got upset

So what? A grown up gets upset because it's pointed out to him that he has behaved in a bad way. If you can't tell him that his behaviour is pretty bloody poor without all of this then I suggest you leave him, because he's not good for you, or for your family. I suspect I know where his daughters have got their behaviour from, they learned it from their father.

Numberlock Wed 19-Jun-13 10:47:26

Why is it your boyfriend's responsibility to get you home?

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