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My DH has had an emotional affair

(470 Posts)
bullinthesea Tue 18-Jun-13 14:52:29

Hello,

I don't post very much, but I am a frequent lurker!

Sadly, I have discovered that my DH has been having an emotional affair with a woman at his work. I have met her a few times over the years, and have always liked her! (Not any more!).

He was supporting me through a nasty bout of depression, and she was also having problems with family illness etc, and it seems they got too close, whilst chatting. He has always been the type to help others out. I think perhaps his 'knight in shining armour' came out when he came across this 'damsel in distress'!

There were emails/Facebook messages/texts, (the texts were all deleted, but in plain sight on our joint itemised bill!).

I discovered the whole lot on Friday night, and confronted him on Saturday morning.

I told him to sit down and tell me the truth. He says that it was just a load of flirty e-mails, and that he knew it was wrong when he was doing it, that it had all fizzled out and that he regretted it. He was very remorseful, and asked whether I could ever forgive him. I told him it was about being able to trust him again.

I found comments such as

Him "I must have been on your mind, was this email meant for Mr X?"
Her "you're always on my mind"
Him "mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!"

And

Her "thank you for earlier, I feel a lot better now !!"
Him "yeah, me too, can meet up on Wednesday for a follow up if it helps smile"

Her "is there anything else I can do for you"
Him "there may be a couple of things that may rise up"

Him " look at you working on xyz"
Her "can never be too prepared?"
Him "I am always prepared!"

She also kept asking him about his knees, on one occasion, they were organising some work time, and he responded with:
Him "should be good"
Her " what do you mean, SHOULD......... Are your knees hurting?"
Him "no, they have recovered, it's my calf, I pulled it running this morning"

Another message went:
Her "how are your knees and feet now"
Him "well, no carpet burns! How are you, we,ve been thinking about you?"

Then there was the time about six months ago, when he was having some funny turns. He had to spend the day at hospital having tests. He had already phoned into work, to tell them that he wouldn't be in that day, and yet I discovered that he'd emailed her from the hospital, to tell her about the tests and said that it was scary, there were loads of exclamation marks at the end (and on lots of the other emails too). He then emailed her again later about the results, with the same message that he had texted to me a few minutes prior, but he'd added extra exclamation marks on hers.

A lot of the content of these emails (and some others that I haven't written about) suggests that things may have got physical.

He strongly denies that it got physical, and says that he doesn't even find her physically attractive. He has said that it was exciting, and that she had made him feel good, as it had felt like she wanted him. He also told me that she had tried to kiss him at an Xmas do a few years ago, but he didn't kiss back, and had thought it was odd.

I asked if he thought she might have a bit of a thing for him, and he paused and said, "yeah, probably".

I have told him that I am going to get tested for STIs, just in case, as I'm not sure I can believe what he's telling me, and want to be sure that I haven't caught anything.

We both cried a lot, and he buried his head in my lap and told me he was so sorry over and over.

I do love him very much, and feel that we became distant, (although things had been much better recently), that we need to focus on our marriage much more (he agreed) and do our best to recover the strong love that we always used to have.

Only thing is, if it did get physical, then I would have to end the relationship.

I am so confused, I can barely concentrate on anything, and I haven't a clue where I'd start if I suddenly found myself single - I'm a sahm, my son is 7, and I am not bringing in any income at the moment, so he supports us all financially.

I just don't know what to do next.....

ballinacup Tue 18-Jun-13 14:59:26

I'm really sorry, but I think he's lying to you. Those messages do not sound like relatively innocent flirtation, they sound like two people talking about sexual encounters in a way that won't flag up on the company's internet usage policy sad

I am sorry, that does not seem very "emotional", sounds like they are referring to sexual encounters... sad

Something may Rise.
Carpet burns? Shagging on the carpet?
Knees? Positions? hmm

Imnotagilmoregirl Tue 18-Jun-13 15:04:09

Ok, I am no expert by any stretch... But by what you've written I would say it looks like it was physical. I would need to know, and I would keep probing, because eventually if he's lying he will slip up. Really sorry this is happening to you. Whatever you decide, you'll get support here xx

paperlantern Tue 18-Jun-13 15:04:43

It got physical. Tge knee joke seems to refer to carpet burns from sex.

Sorry sad

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 18-Jun-13 15:04:48

These messages all refer to sexual encounters they've had together. They even mention carpet burn! He's taking you for a fool.

Tell him to tell you the truth or leave. He may be pretending to be gutted, but it's still lying to you. If anything, he's upset about being caught.

I'm really sorry. I can't believe he is lying when it's so obvious. It's hiding in plain sight.

Xales Tue 18-Jun-13 15:12:02

Same as the others I think it was physical unless you know of any other reasons for carpet burns.

Sorry

SaintTheresa Tue 18-Jun-13 15:17:16

What do YOU want to happen next? In an ideal world, I mean.

I agree with the others that your DH has been unfaithful. Are you prepared to forgive and forget if he changes his ways? Or are you serious that you have to leave. If the latter, then you need to start making plans. You are in a vulnerable position not being a wage earner How difficult would you find getting a job?

I am so sorry you are going through this. How is your marriage in other ways? Perhaps you want to fight for it or perhaps the two of you are better going your separate ways (tough, though).

NatashaBee Tue 18-Jun-13 15:17:28

I also thought that they were referencing actual encounters together. It sounds like more than just flirting to me. I assume there's no way of retrieving the other messages?

Sparkleandshine Tue 18-Jun-13 15:22:22

sorry but the messages you've shown above indicate sexual stuff went on.... "carpet burns" is a classic for dtd on the floor....

AThingInYourLife Tue 18-Jun-13 15:22:39

He was shagging her.

He's still lying to you.

I think you know that really.

DuelingFanjo Tue 18-Jun-13 15:23:26

what to do next. Ask him to move out for a while. Tell him that you need some time to think because you can't trust him and don't believe he is telling the truth.

I'm sorry too, but definitely physical from the looks of what you have written there and you say there is more.

Ask him to move out to give you some head space for a bit.
Really think about what you want.
Is physical the deal breaker or is it the trust?

Go for the STi check for sure as well.

As your son is now 7 may be a good time to gain some independence and get a part time job?
Not sure if this is feasible but worth thinking about?

Keep posting on here for support through this.

Sparkleandshine Tue 18-Jun-13 15:25:15

.... and the "rise up" no question....

BTW, I'm not sure there is much^ difference between an emotional and full affair in my book - I wouldn't be happy either way. In fact I would probably feel worse about an emotional affair that a one off sag no emotions involved..(never been in this situation BTW)

Sparkleandshine Tue 18-Jun-13 15:25:57

*shag not sag

AuntieStella Tue 18-Jun-13 15:26:14

No other explanation, other than sex, springs to mind other then a sexual encounter. Sorry.

Do you want the truth from him?

If so, I suggest to tell him that he has one chance to tell you the whole truth. See what happens.

You need time to process all this. Try not to make a decision about your future - either way - at a time when you are in turmoil. Do you have RL confidantes?

DonutForMyself Tue 18-Jun-13 15:33:43

bullinthesea It is not an EA if they are giving each other carpet burns and meeting up for 'follow ups' to whatever has caused them.

They were NOT organising some work time with the phrases:

Him "should be good"
Her " what do you mean, SHOULD......... Are your knees hurting?"

They were organising sex or oral sex, which apparently he has already done to the point where he injured his knees!

He still has to support your son financially and you will get help to get back on your feet financially without him, so please don't let the fear of being alone keep you in a relationship with this cheating lying scumbag.

He's not upset because he was 'emotionally' unfaithful he's upset because you found out. So sorry for you. And I agree with what someone else said about EAs not being less hurtful than one night stands, for me the idea of my DP texting or emailing sexually suggestive messages would be as awful as him actually doing anything about it. Its just wrong.

bullinthesea Tue 18-Jun-13 15:59:43

Just to add a bit more info, after we spoke at length on Saturday, he then went upstairs & texted her.
He didn't tell me, but I looked on our joint phone bill, and there was her number sad

I confronted him, and he said that it was to tell her that I knew, and not to contact him anymore, and he said that he was in two minds whether to do it as she's got many probs at the moment shock. He said he had deleted the text (wonder why!).

He promised that he'd delete her off his phone/Facebook/ and keep all his contact with her transparent so that I could view any of it any time I want.

Thank you so much for all the replies, I will get back to individual questions when I have a minute later.

AThingInYourLife Tue 18-Jun-13 16:12:03

So his first priority having been discovered cheating was to secretly text his mistress?

The affair is not over.

DuelingFanjo Tue 18-Jun-13 16:18:05

If I were you I would ask or her number, name, facebook account and ask for immediate access to his facebook. if he has nothing to hide he will let you.

JustinBsMum Tue 18-Jun-13 16:18:52

keep all his contact with her transparent

- generous of him

but he deleted the text when it was to tell her that I knew, and not to contact him anymore

hmm, funny that, as that would have been an excellent time to start being 'transparent'.

Big liar are the words that spring to my mind, OP, sorry.

NatashaBee Tue 18-Jun-13 16:20:59

I confronted him, and he said that it was to tell her that I knew, and not to contact him anymore, and he said that he was in two minds whether to do it as she's got many probs at the moment shock. He said he had deleted the text (wonder why!).

Bullshit. Sorry OP.

Xales Tue 18-Jun-13 16:30:04

Sorry OP.

Get that STI test asap and don't have sex with him without a condom again.

He sat crying with his head in your lap while you cried then went and texted her straight away and deleted it.

The more you post the worse it seems.

Sorry but the messages all say 'sex'sad. Atleast he could own up and tell you the bloody truth, what a lying bastard!

Gruntfuttock Tue 18-Jun-13 16:39:18

I imagine the text to her was to tell her that you knew something but didn't know they'd had sex. Hence him deleting it.

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