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DP doesn't want to marry me, moved out we continued a relationship now he says he doesn't want to go on holiday either

(88 Posts)
Auntienokids Mon 17-Jun-13 22:31:26

I met my DP 9 yrs ago, we had an affair and he left his wife and went back shortly after, we didn't speak for 2 yrs, he got a job away from home and made contact after some soul searching I went to see him and we became a couple, he moved near me in his own house 4 yrs ago. When his tenancy was up we decided to move in together and he lived with me. He had asked me to marry him. After a year he moved out, he said he didn't want to marry me and didn't think we would go the distance! I was sad but also partly relieved having lived alone for 12 yrs being with someone full time who worked from home was stifle-ing. This wasn't a deal breaker and we decided to carry on seeing each other at weekends which was more suited to me and my lifestyle.I thought we could, as a mature couple I'm 48 DP 56 have a nice life as a couple together living apart. When he moved out I decided to go on holidays with friends as when he lived with me with his work schedule and lack of money because his wife is still in their home having all bills and mortgage being paid! he didn't have funds. Now trying to get him to go on a holiday together he has said he doesn't want to go on holiday with me! The thing is we have a great time when it's the 2 of us and we have a great sex life and same humour etc. My sister thinks he is "tight" with money and a control freak and that I pander to him and he sucks me in. Do I stay with him and redefine our relationship or move on, I love him and I know he loves me but I'm not sure if this is enough. Writing this out I'm uncomfortable with how this makes me look, I'm a professional manager but reading back I come across as a put upon woman! assistance appreciated

calmingtea Tue 18-Jun-13 07:02:09

He's just not that into you. Sorry. He wants you for no strings sex and that is it. I would move on.

Pomegranatenoir Tue 18-Jun-13 07:12:58

Shucks, poor you! You had an affair with someone else husband and you expected live happily every after. Ha ha ha

Karma is a bitch.

TotallyBursar Tue 18-Jun-13 07:38:11

I wasn't trying to attempt some pithy insult - I am genuinely asking you why you have so little self respect?

I am interested in your answer to see if what you say matches what you are doing.

But for a quick one line answer- he's sexually incontinent & he's probably found another woman with no self worth but buckets of novelty value - in the true nature of things this may now be his poor wife again.
That's actually 3 lines on my screen but whatever.

nkf Tue 18-Jun-13 07:43:08

How do you find the time for such crap?

Bogeyface Tue 18-Jun-13 07:54:08

Yes you had an affair and that is relevant as it shows that he has no real concern for anyone for himself.

He was married and he didnt care enough about his wife to treat her properly, why would he treat someone he isnt married to, isnt living with and doesnt see as a long term prospect any better? I am afraid that when you had an affair with him, you showed that you were happy to take whatever crumbs he would offer, so why would he offer you anything else now?

Recover your self respect, move on and only date men who are free to commit in future.

Bogeyface Tue 18-Jun-13 07:55:01

anyone but himself

MexicanHat Tue 18-Jun-13 08:03:27

Do either of you have DCs?

I would say they are other women/another woman. He wants his cake and eat it.

Flyingtree Tue 18-Jun-13 10:05:25

If the man you had affair with was prepared to cheat on his wife, he'll have no compuctions about cheating on his mistress.

Which is what you were and always will be, to him.

Your situation won't have a happy ending either way.

Why the heck do people do this? I'll never understand sad

Re-set your moral compass and start again by leaving him, and never going near a married man again. He was never your's in the first place.

catsmother Tue 18-Jun-13 15:00:08

Not being able to "afford" a holiday is a red herring. If that was all it was, he'd express regret and seem sad at not being able to go away. He wouldn't tell you he didn't want to go away with you would he ?!

Seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Everything you've described so far has been what he wants to do and you've just gone along with it. In fact, I'm not quite sure why you think he loves you because he certainly doesn't behave like it - stringing you along and then going back on his word. And of course you know he has form for lying (to his wife presumably) and being selfish - without any other evidence to the contrary it's hardly surprising therefore when he's now doing the same to you.

Why waste any more of your time with him ? After all this time he's very unlikely to change and whatever the exact truth of the matter still seems incredibly tangled up with his (ex?) wife - after all, why hasn't he instigated divorce proceedings and begun sorting out finances with her yet ? If he was serious about you, he'd have done that a long time ago.

NatashaBee Tue 18-Jun-13 15:15:07

Seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it.

This.

EllaFitzgerald Tue 18-Jun-13 19:06:43

I don't really understand why you're at all surprised that he's treating you so badly.

If he's told you that he doesn't want to spend a week or two on holiday with you (rather than being unable to afford to) then it's quite clear that he's not in love with you. I don't think you have the option of re-defining your relationship unless you want to end things. He's told you that he doesn't want to live with you, he doesn't see your relationship as long term and he doesn't even want to spend seven days in a row with you. Two days a week with you is more than enough time for him. How do you re-define that? He's treating you badly and you're letting him do it.

Also, I don't think you have any room to be judging the alleged behaviour of his wife, even if what he's told you is actually true!

Auntienokids Tue 18-Jun-13 19:33:40

Thanks all, I accept the kicking! However, I'm also human and admit my shortcomings, but that's not the sum total of who I am. That's why we're all here aren't we? to seek advice and solutions to relationship issues FWIW she would have happily divorced him 9yrs ago before me but couldn't bear he had found someone else, life is complicated. He is successful and keeping a marital home and a place of his own. He has tried to sell the house but left it with ex-wife to sort and of course it's not in her interests to do so, so don't worry she's punishing him aswell! I think he's weak but You're right I've been too weak to push him which I have said recently, this has been going on for over 5 years and I've told him I'm sick of having to curtail my life because of his financial choices, I can afford to go away but for the last 2 years I've let him control it and since he moved out after a year living with me I've been on a long haul with a friend and have 2 other hols lined up. But what did he do when I said I was going on holiday last month? he went with his mate to his friend's place in Spain. When he left after a year (March) as I've said I was sad but also relieved to have my own space again, no clearing up, no considering him in the week and more freedom, I suppose I'm happy living apart, my dsis says I'd be a nightmare to live with so I know I'm not the easiest; I just wanted a committed relationship but he's basically kicking an emotional football at me finding different ways to hurt me, disrespect me etc. I've discussed your posts with my dsis and she knows we have a lot of good times and things in common but she said it's a lot to put up with and am being short changed. My needy self is in conflict with my don't take his shit self and am having 3 way conversations with myself. He gets me, I'm a bit off the wall even though I hold down a responsible job, he knows my true self and I'm afraid of letting that go.

AuntieStella Tue 18-Jun-13 19:39:44

Please let the "don't take shit" self win.

If he had really wanted to end things with his wife, he would have divorced her. He is probably obfuscating the reasons why he has not.

He's no good for you. He prefers his wife, despite all the baggage there.

It is time for you to move on.

EllaFitzgerald Tue 18-Jun-13 19:41:21

At the moment, he's not making either your 'needy' side or your 'take no shit' side happy and he's clearly not going to change.

Get rid before he makes you even more miserable and give another (unmarried) man the chance to know your true self.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Jun-13 20:31:05

What a waste of a good woman.

I hope his cock is made of gold and studded with diamonds, OP, because I can't see much else to him

Auntienokids Tue 18-Jun-13 20:35:41

Stella/Ella. I'm hearing you. Just bin on phone to dsis and read replies to her. She says she thinks I'm afraid of being on my own, and also his understanding of my true self he's using against me, he knows what buttons to press. I was married young and that was short lived, I then had a long term relationship 7 yrs we split up, then another 5 yr relationship, and now this one over the last 5 years as a "couple" and thought this was a keeper, I love/d him the most and the best. My dsis has suggested I ask how to prepare for "the conversation". Dsis says keep it short and sweet coz she knows I'm a talker and analyser. Dsis says I have a close and loving family , I have no DC , HE has 2 x grown up DSs, if/when we finish DP will have nothing. He has 1 friend, I think he is a narcissist from research I have done. I know from experience I won't die but am scared of the grief and trauma as I've done it before, Dsis suggests I ask what words of advice for moving forward. I told her how helpful you have all been.

iwantanafternoonnap Tue 18-Jun-13 20:46:15

Jesus I would rather be single than with that tight arse twat! Set yourself free you don't need him at all.

Oh I expect he is still shagging his wife as well.

Auntienokids Tue 18-Jun-13 20:50:11

Thanks iwanta, I'm slowly getting to "acceptance" of what is/will happen it's hard.

Auntienokids Tue 18-Jun-13 20:58:49

Anyfucker, yep it is and when you find one you don't wanna go back to what's on offer at the sale rail! he's in great shape for his/any age, well dressed, clever and executive these I find appealing but yep he's also an arrogant fuckpig who's taking me for granted and treating me like shit, and worse..I'm allowing it, someone makes a fool of you once shame on them, someone makes a fool of you twice shame on you...my mum's phrase. I hope you can read a change in my language....POWER!

AnyFucker Tue 18-Jun-13 21:13:02

Indeed ! < fist pump >

Hey, there are plenty of decent blokes that know what to do that rather silly-looking appendage too

Don't make the mistake that only alpha-type, arrogant tossers are hot in the sack.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Jun-13 21:14:56

Having said that, make sure the next one is unattached, yeah.

I bet your mother would also say you getting treated like shit by him is not entirely unexpected

Auntienokids Tue 18-Jun-13 21:23:42

My temperature gauge on our relationship I have applied to telling my mum and dad, and I would be embarrassed to tell them the latest developments, when we resolved not to get married and he moved out as ever all they wanted was my happiness and when I said I was happier living apart they understood. To now tell them about the fact that I asked him if we would be going on holiday this year he said, no, when I said what about next year he said I don't know (meaning no!) I would feel that I would be letting them down. I don't know why I haven't been more angry and over the last hour reading the posts I have become more angry and am seeing him through your eyes and our relationship, I hadn't realised how toxic it was, I've definately had the back of my neck under the cold tap!

AnyFucker Tue 18-Jun-13 21:32:07

Good

springytat Tue 18-Jun-13 21:34:30

Nope, can't get past the affair.

I honestly wonder what you expected.

As for she would have happily divorced him 9yrs ago before me but couldn't bear he had found someone else - oh really? And who told you that?

'Can't we be mature' - so, what is 'mature'? Having affairs with married men? Perhaps 'mature' is having appropriate sorrow and guilt for a serious life-mistake. You seem to have side-stepped that under the guise of 'maturity'.

Auntienokids Tue 18-Jun-13 21:52:26

Springy, who says I haven't had appropriate sorrow and guilt? I've spent the last five years living a more constrained lifestyle so DP could pay her bills and pay mortgage, she stole 50k from him before he met me, (I know that's what DP told me but for a variety of reasons I cannot publish I know this to be true) if you're happy that I'm now unhappy and that my heart is breaking then feel free to gloat, if you think he will go back to her and they will live happily ever after then ask why in the 2 years he had when he went back to her it didn't work ? I'm not trying to dodge what I've done or why would I have stated it, don't you believe I anticipated this? But other worthy human characteristics include mercy, understanding and sympathy (where appropriate) for a fellow human being in difficulty. I've heard the judgement, been condemmed now hang me and cut out my organs..ouch!

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