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DP doesn't want to marry me, moved out we continued a relationship now he says he doesn't want to go on holiday either

(88 Posts)
Auntienokids Mon 17-Jun-13 22:31:26

I met my DP 9 yrs ago, we had an affair and he left his wife and went back shortly after, we didn't speak for 2 yrs, he got a job away from home and made contact after some soul searching I went to see him and we became a couple, he moved near me in his own house 4 yrs ago. When his tenancy was up we decided to move in together and he lived with me. He had asked me to marry him. After a year he moved out, he said he didn't want to marry me and didn't think we would go the distance! I was sad but also partly relieved having lived alone for 12 yrs being with someone full time who worked from home was stifle-ing. This wasn't a deal breaker and we decided to carry on seeing each other at weekends which was more suited to me and my lifestyle.I thought we could, as a mature couple I'm 48 DP 56 have a nice life as a couple together living apart. When he moved out I decided to go on holidays with friends as when he lived with me with his work schedule and lack of money because his wife is still in their home having all bills and mortgage being paid! he didn't have funds. Now trying to get him to go on a holiday together he has said he doesn't want to go on holiday with me! The thing is we have a great time when it's the 2 of us and we have a great sex life and same humour etc. My sister thinks he is "tight" with money and a control freak and that I pander to him and he sucks me in. Do I stay with him and redefine our relationship or move on, I love him and I know he loves me but I'm not sure if this is enough. Writing this out I'm uncomfortable with how this makes me look, I'm a professional manager but reading back I come across as a put upon woman! assistance appreciated

Doha Mon 17-Jun-13 22:45:52

Life is too short for this crap.

Move on OP and find someone who actually wants to do things with you

grobagsforever Mon 17-Jun-13 22:47:23

You'll get no sympathy here. Jog on.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Jun-13 22:48:37

He sounds horrible, and you sound deluded

he is still living with his wife...you realise that, don't you ?

Triumphoveradversity Mon 17-Jun-13 22:50:14

He sounds like a total wanker and you are a doormat. Why on earth would a mature woman allow herself to be used, I'm with your dsis.

Auntienokids Mon 17-Jun-13 23:13:42

He's not living with his wife , but I know she's making the most of putting him thru a guilt trip, giving her money and then saying to me he can't afford a holiday. I wasn't expecting not wanted sympathy, I could have omitted the fact we had an affair 9 yrs ago and when he went back I left him alone but they couldn't work it out after 2 yrs. Just read a link to emotional abusers and it sounds like he is showing these traits, promising things then denying or going back on his word, causing drama and drawing me in, logically I can see this. He's good in other ways, we get on(mostly) but is it when everything's going his way? Not sure, maybe we just have a weekend relationship, am I then just a weekend sex and dinner date? or actually is that just what I want...I need some time and space I think but all views are a help.

Lweji Mon 17-Jun-13 23:20:57

move on

hardbeingme Mon 17-Jun-13 23:35:30

eh? so he doesn't want to marry you, live with you, or go on holiday with you but is willing to have sex with you when it suits? also your dsis isn't keen and he's still supporting his ex wife?
um yep he sounds a keeper! run op run!

LessMissAbs Mon 17-Jun-13 23:42:07

He sounds like a complete user. What do you get out of it? There should be a psychological barrier he has crossed with his behaviour that should be raising red flags in you and putting you off sex with him? Is he some kind of male model/hunk, strangely well preserved in his fifties, that makes you still want to sleep with him despite his behaviour to you being so derogatory?

TigerSwallowTail Mon 17-Jun-13 23:51:28

Could you quite happily see yourself still in this arrangement in 5 or 10 years?

Tortington Mon 17-Jun-13 23:53:51

your his fuck buddy.

TotallyBursar Tue 18-Jun-13 03:30:36

Why do you have so little respect for yourself?

Rulesgirl Tue 18-Jun-13 04:36:43

I'm sorry but he does not love you. If he did he would still be marrying you and wanting to be with you.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Tue 18-Jun-13 05:47:10

Past behavior is an indicator of future behavior.

What makes you think he will treat you any better than he did his wife?

Auntienokids Tue 18-Jun-13 06:17:11

Thanks all, makes for uncomfortable reading, he is clever, well preserved etc but you have made me think and made me stronger, given some perspective. I'm getting clarity, thanks all.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 18-Jun-13 06:22:50

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

I read something a while back saying "don't make someone your priority while allowing yourself to be their option"

I think that applies here.

SirRaymondClench Tue 18-Jun-13 06:33:05

I'm sorry. I stopped giving a shit when you said you had an affair.

AuntieStella Tue 18-Jun-13 06:41:17

He's maried, and putting his wife first.

I think you need to chalk the failure of this relationship up to experience, nd move on. I hope one thing you learn from it is to swerve married/attached men, and form future relationships only with the genuinely single.

JakeBullet Tue 18-Jun-13 06:42:37

Do you KNOW he is still paying the mortgage and bills of his ex-wife or is that just what he is telling you? He must be supremely well paid to do that and maintain a place of his own.

My feeling is that this is all an excuse not to spend time with you and I suspect there is another woman. You are the useful and familiar friend he can sleep with and then drop as it suits him.

And if he is EA you then what makes you think he is not doing the same to his ex-wife? "I can't help you with the mortgage etc as Auntienokids is being demanding about wanting to go on holiday".
You are not being demanding but how do you know he is not telling other people the same as he is saying to you about his ex-wife?

Move on from this man unless all you want is a "friend with benefits". But you clearly want more than this as your posts suggest that. Find someone who can give you that.

BadSkiingMum Tue 18-Jun-13 06:44:06

The simple answer is to go on holiday with your friends, then decide if you still want to have a sexual relationship with him when you get back.

I suspect that seeing him at weekends is as good as it is ever going to get.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Tue 18-Jun-13 06:47:06

Do t listen to what he says, look at what he does.

KingRollo Tue 18-Jun-13 06:47:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShadeofViolet Tue 18-Jun-13 06:49:34

Well preserved hmm

Tiredemma Tue 18-Jun-13 07:01:07

He sounds like an immature 19 year old.

Get rid.

what a waste of YOUR time.

Kind of what happens when you do your fishing in a pool of married men OP they come with a lot of baggage and guilt .

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