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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

very long sorry - Im done with husband

68 replies

KittyLane1 · 17/06/2013 16:11

It's been along time coming but I'm finally done with my husband. The final straw come today when he announced that he had volunteered to work on DDs birthday. Might not seem like a big deal but its the second year in a row that he has done this, leaving me alone with DD and resulting in a normal day for her. He has also arranged for us to go to MIL for dinner in the evening, which I don't want to do. I don't get on with MIL, this will be the 3rd year we have done this, and I hate it. He will act like super dad infront of her and get a lot of praise even though he hardly ever sees DD, never takes her out on his own, never does bath/bed, never reads to her etc. It's all me.

Been married over a year, together 6. But he works away and we never see each other. No romance, no kissing, no sex. Nothing. No alone time. All our finances are separate. I buy everything for DD including all her birthday presents.

I'm just so fed up of coming second and now DD is coming second on her birthday. It's unfair and very lonely..

AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

BoysAreLikeDogs · 17/06/2013 16:14

Nah

Get rid, waste o' time and space

TallyGrenshall · 17/06/2013 16:16

YANBU

If you're done, then you're done

specialsubject · 17/06/2013 16:16

birthdays are trivial and real jobs don't stop for a child's birthday. But this is clearly the last straw for the big things - a man who doesn't parent and isn't bothered about his wife.

don't waste any more time. Good luck.

runningonwillpower · 17/06/2013 16:17

Sounds like you're pretty much on your own anyway.

What's to miss?

livinginwonderland · 17/06/2013 16:18

Why did you marry him?

CookieLady · 17/06/2013 16:18

Walk away and don't look back.

Loutwenty · 17/06/2013 16:19

Good on you.

I will be in the same situation myself soon.

CocacolaMum · 17/06/2013 16:23

I wouldn't out and out say it is over because you have been together a fair while and you chose to have a child together - there must have been a reason for that. I wholeheartedly believe that people can lose sight of what is important and it can cause feelings to be lost for a while but very few relationships are really past saving unless its a major issue such as abuse.

However. if he needs/wants to work on the birthday it stands to reason that YOU get to choose how the birthday is spent - this means that you say no to MIL's and tell him you are doing something else instead. He can like it or lump it.

pictish · 17/06/2013 16:26

Set yourself free, and don't look back OP!

LtEveDallas · 17/06/2013 16:28

If you are done, then you are done. I can't see what this guy brings to the table if you are doing everything yourself in any case.

There is nothing wrong in giving up. You are entitled to leave anyone if you are unhappy. If you don't love him, or if you do but you cannot carry on like this, then don't. Be happy, be free.

clarequilty · 17/06/2013 16:29

what's more important. A birthday? Or an entire childhood without a father?

DeepRedBetty · 17/06/2013 16:33

Have you actually said that the things you mention are pissing you off? Because if you haven't then he's not had a chance to deal with it. If on the other hand he's been told, and he's gone ahead and ignored you, yanbu, he's clearly not really life-partner material.

Lovelygoldboots · 17/06/2013 16:41

I don't think anyone here can say if yabu. There is just not enough info and everything you have said in isolation doesn't sound like insurmountable problems. Only you can decide if you are being unreasonable or not. Have you talked to him?

BrokenBanana · 17/06/2013 16:43

Yanu, but its not us you should be saying all of this to...

KittyLane1 · 17/06/2013 16:47

Thanks for the replies,
I completely understand that work is more important than a birthday, but its the weekend and outside his usual work hours. He agreed to work it, short notice and therefore canceling the plans we had made. DD is now old enough to understand we won't be going to the zoo. He agreed to work it even though he was not the last resort i.e if he said no its my DDs birthday, I have plans, no problem there are other people.

I know it sounds trivial but it happens so often, he dangles something good in front of me, such as a family day out, then takes it away.

I feel unfair telling MIL that we aren't going to hers because she is an excellent granparent. Really she is brilliant with DD, we just don't get along, when she is around I am subjected to criticism about my looks and parenting.

I have told him all of this and how much I need affection from him. He tried for about a week.

I just don't know where to go from here x

OP posts:

CocacolaMum · 17/06/2013 16:51

you go to the zoo.

Seriously, you don't need him for a day out so take her on your own - if you don't drive then go somewhere on the train. tell him he can pick you up afterwards. You don't need to wait for him to plan fun for you.

BrokenBanana · 17/06/2013 16:52

Could you make an excuse not to go to MILs? Say you have a headache or something.

Where to go from here? Sit him down and tell him exactly what you've said in your OP, that you're tired of doing things alone and not being parents together. Have a think of how you would like things to change and talk it through with him.

HandsomeEddy · 17/06/2013 16:52

Go to the zoo without him if you can. With a friend or something?
And criticizing your parenting and looks(!?) means she doesn't sound like a very good grandparent to me... Hope you're okay.

Legal advice is where you go from here. Get all the facts re splitting asap.

clarequilty · 17/06/2013 16:54

Why can't you go to the zoo?

Isityouorme · 17/06/2013 16:54

Go to the zoo without him and go for dinner afterwards so you won't have to go to mil. Sorted .... In the short term.

Badvoc · 17/06/2013 16:56

If mil criticises you in vent of your dd about your weight and parenting then she isn't a good GM.
It sounds like your h left the marriage some time ago.
I suggest you follow suit.

whiteandyellowiris · 17/06/2013 16:56

yanbu, as long as you have tried to coummincate this to him

it would be unfair to end things without giving him a chance to change, but sounds like you've done that

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HumphreyCobbler · 17/06/2013 17:02

I would think very poorly of a man who volunteered to work on his dd's birthday when he had a choice in the matter. Do go to the zoo anyway OP.

MyNameIsRio · 17/06/2013 17:06

Why do you have to pay for everything for your daughter?

ilovechips · 17/06/2013 17:07

I could've written this post when my dd was younger, your situation sounds very similar. Stupidly I stuck around until she was 9 - I finally plucked up the courage to end it and really we are all so much happier for it in the long run. If you're sure there's no hope then don't waste any more of your life with the wrong person.

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