This is a long story, but I need to get it all out ? and if anyone has the time to read, I would be VERY grateful for some support and virtual hugs.......
I have known my husband for over 30 years, and been married for 27 years. We have 3 teenage daughters (18, 16 and 13) and have enjoyed a happy, comfortable family life.
Fourteen years ago we relocated from the UK to Ireland due to his work. It was tough leaving my friends and family, but we have made a good life for ourselves here. Cracks began to appear in our marriage after he started a new job (with the same company) which necessitated him being away from home during the week. I missed him terribly and struggled with my role as a "single mum" during the week. Things became harder after his recently widowed mother came to live with us. She was an amazing lady and I got on very well with her, but a series of strokes and poor health rendered me a full time carer and it was tough. I couldn't help but feel a bit of resentment towards my husband as he gave me so little thanks or emotional support and expected me to just get on with caring for our daughters, his mum ? and continue to work part time, while he worked away all week. His mother eventually moved in to a nursing home and it did make life easier. Sadly, she passed away 6 months ago.
About 4 years ago I started to become suspicious of my husband. His trips away became longer, sometimes staying away all weekend, He started spending a ridiculous amount of time on his laptop at home in his office at home on his new genealogy hobby and his mobile phone was always bleeping with texts which he would instantly reply to ? not something he was ever quick to do with work related messages. Eventually, in October 2009 the truth came out ? he was having an affair and was going to leave. We talked, we cried, and talked some more. He had it in his head that I wanted out of our marriage because I was always complaining, and he accused me of being unfaithful to him as I had, understandably due to the time we spent apart, developed new friendships with people he did not know. The OW was an old girlfriend from his past, before he and I were married and it got me wondering exactly how long it had been going on. All our married life? Did they have kids together? He was very economical with the truth, so I had to play detective, hack his computer and get all the sordid grisly details of their affair.
After much heartfelt discussion and soul searching, he agreed to end the affair and we decided to concentrate our efforts in fixing the marriage. I set up counselling for us, but he only attended one session with me, as his work schedule made it difficult for him to attend. In hindsight I think he only stayed because he was too weak to tell his daughters or his mother the ugly truth. We muddled along and seemed to be making progress, but I always had a nagging doubt and the trust was never restored. More importantly, he never showed any remorse for what he had done and it made it so hard for me to love and respect him as I had before. At that time I also wrote to the OW a couple of times, just so I could get her side of the story. I did not want a screaming match and I was, under the circumstances, very controlled. I figured women were better at talking. She eventually replied confirming their affair was over and she did not want anything more to do with him as he had let her down so badly.
Last summer he confessed to me they had been seeing each other again, but it was definitely over. But I was more sceptical than ever. When a Valentines card arrived from her to him at the house this year I confronted him again and he swore blind he was not seeing her. However, a few weeks later, just before Easter, he announced to me that our marriage was over and he wanted a ?proper? relationship with her.
Since Easter I have gone through the emotional see-saw of begging him to stay, feeling utterly broken and suicidal, white rage and anger about just how much of an idiot I have been to cling to the hope we can ever have a happy ever after, and outrage and disbelief at him for doing this to me, and or daughters. Throughout all this I have spoken to nobody until recently. I figured that I had to protect our daughters and our friends and family?s perception of our marriage. I guess it was a case of once everyone knew, there would be no going back. So I have kept the entire trauma and upset to myself for all these years. I became withdrawn from everyone, a shadow of my former bubbly self and very, very lonely. But finally, I have spoken to my mum, my sisters and a couple of friends. I am also seeing a counsellor and I am now only beginning to realise just what psychological damage has been done by keeping this secret to myself for so long.
I do not want him back. I am sure of that. Even if he grovelled on his belly, I could never trust or respect him again. If I could I would throw him out of the house tomorrow and say ?good riddance?. But I can?t. We have to work out a separation agreement and a way of co-parenting. Our daughters still do not know and we have not ?gone public? with our separation as we have agreed to wait until after our daughter finishes her exams later this month. And the agony of keeping up this ?happy families? pantomime is agony. Ageist this backdrop we are trying to work out the best way to separate.
His proposal is that rather than come home every weekend, as he has been doing by and large for the last few years, he will come home every other weekend, thus spending one weekend with the OW in the UK and one with his family in Ireland. It is made all the more complicated because we live Ireland and his work and OW are both in the UK. My initial reaction was that he could not come back to the family home, but how else can he see his daughters (assuming they will want to see him) if I don?t allow him back to the home to visit them?
I am still in a very bad place. However, it is becoming very apparent that the decision to end our marriage is one he made a very long time ago. However, I am struggling to process the enormity of it all. They say the deeper the emotional attachment, the deeper the pain. His emotional attachment and resulting pain are negligible. However, my emotion attachment to him is profound and the pain is overbearing. He represented my hopes, my dreams and the rest of my life. All the struggles of recent years, the forced time apart, the darker days of caring for his mother - it all seemed worth it as I was clinging to the hope we were working together towards a brighter future and happy ever after in our life together ? taking pride in our daughters growing in to young adults, grandchildren, travelling together to all the places we talked about, entertaining, enjoying life and each other. And now that future is gone and I am facing a deep black hole. I won't be fobbed off with all the clichés of "time is a healer", "you will meet someone better", etc. I know I will get through this but right now it is fucking hard to see how. He accuses me of being too emotional, of acting the victim and he does not seem to want to comprehend, let alone care about the effect this is having on me. I do accept a certain degree of responsibility for the position in which we now find ourselves and I wish I had acted sooner to fix things rather than talking about it every so often and then ignoring it and hoping it would go away. But there is no future in the past ? it is all ancient history now.
He does not seem willing to take any responsibility or show any remorse for what he is doing to me. He simply expects me to willingly sign up to his ?I want my cake and I want to eat it" agenda, care for our children (and God knows they are going to need that in HUGE doses), maintain an enormous house and continue to live in a foreign country (which we only moved to because of his job), launch myself in to a new career because our finances will not support his new agenda - all this against a backdrop of having me future hopes and dreams smashed and coasting off in to a blissful sunset annihilated. I am totally broken and the person whom I would always turn to and rely on is the engineer of my situation.
So that is my story. Why have I written it all down here? I guess I need a few friends right now and advice as I negotiate the terms of the separation agreement.
I have painted my husband as a total bastard ? which is exactly what he has been to me. However, he does have a strong sense of duty and I know that he in spite of what he has done to me, he adores his children and he shares my wish that their pain be minimal and their lives be destabilised as little as possible.
I am sorry this is so long. Writing it has been very therapeutic though.
Thank you for reading :)
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Relationships
Separating after 30 years - HELP!
scarletts · 17/06/2013 05:22
I have now read of so many women going through this after (aprrox) three decades od marriage that I am starting to wonder if its a syndrome!
When it happened to me, I felt I was the only woman in the world for whom life was over.
Bless you scarletts - I hear your pain, and uncertainty. For what its worth, I think you are doing an amazing job of staying strong.
It does seem though, as if it is all being played to suit your errant husband (STBEX?). He is still "having his cake and eating it" ....simply with the spin that it is the best way to cope with things for your children.
With the best will in the world ....none of your children are babies now, they are all able to understand, and although it will be heartbreaking for them, they do need to hear the truth. However well you have been 'covering up' ......kids are not stupid! Certainly your eldest needs to be treated as an adult, and to be honest may be your greatest supporter. MY DD2 was the same age when my marriage was destroyed, and she became my greatest supporter. Really, a tiger in my corner!
Just my spin, but I think you need to allow your anger to have a little more free rein, quit being so accommodating, and work out what YOU want. Why do you have to stay in a 'huge house' and try to maintain it on your own? ....sell, and move to something you want to live in!! why do you have to tolerate having an ex who has effectively left you, staying back in the house every fortnight. Tell him to book into a bloody hotel.
Sending [tea] & 
and an unmumsnetty [hug] ...because having such a life change after so many years is massive........It may also be the start of a far far better life!
Keep posting.
Wow - I've read that whole story (and yes he is a twat!) and no where do you mention what you want to do. And really really I think you need to get to that place. Your whole life and planned future has been thrown up in the air by his selfish actions and that's awful - but you can decide where the pieces land.
What do you want? He wants you to sign up for "care for our children , maintain an enormous house and continue to live in a foreign country (which we only moved to because of his job), launch myself in to a new career because our finances will not support his new agenda " So what do you want?
I see you say your MIL "was" wonderful so I'm going with the assumption she is dead. So by family in Ireland you mean you and the DC's. Tough ages to move as far as schooling is concerned but not impossible. Only you know if the friendships you and they have in Ireland are worth staying there for. In other words ... is Ireland "home". If not ...have you considered where is "home"? What happens when the 13 year old leaves home? I know you'll want to put them first but do take into account 5 years, 10 years time esp. if you have to restart a career for yourself.
So what do the finances really look like. What are the odds of getting a job/career where you are? Solicitor and spreadsheet - work out the cold reality of the situation and then start from there.
As for trips back to see the kids, of course distance makes it tough but don't let him back in your home, that has to become your sanctuary. He can find a B&B or stay with friends. And remember your kids are of an age where they aren't going to want to give up all their plans every weekend to see him. What happen when/if the 18year old goes to Uni somewhere?
Sorry I'm a very practical person so of little use to help you through the black hole - and I'm afraid I may just have given you more questions to think about. But please don't just accept his version of the future - please pick your own. or 
as you prefer
You sound very 'together' scarletts have obviously looked at all angles, and are opting for the damage limitation route .... which is great if your ex is following the same script, but ONLY if it is not continuing to damage you emotionally.
To put it differently, if you can handle having him come to play handyman twice a month, then ...why not?! personally, I would have been a total wreck and probably reduced to locking myself in the bathroom 
I think what I am trying (badly) to say, is please be sure that you are not just keeping yourself under very tight control in order to maintain what seems to be a reasonable approach. There is nothing reasonable about this sort of crisis, and if you keep yourself too tightly reined it is likely to come out in different ways.
Great that you have legal friends who can advise, and that the monetary deal on the table will allow you to continue pretty much 'as is'. That is a massive inducement to keep things sweet, but again my experiences say "make sure it is in writing with every 't' crossed" ..... because you really can't trust them as far as you can throw them. once they have started down this path. As you have found out with his previously broken promises.
Brilliant to hear you sounding so strong this evening 
scarletts - I agree with much of Mimi's sentiment.
Did not mean to confuse and befuddle you by asking how much your reasonableness was draining you, and am sorry if it had a negative effect ..... but your reply does make me worry even more for you.
One of the biggest problems for us, in these situation, is that we have spent decades putting the needs of family first. That's pretty normal, but right now I think your own needs are screaming at you, and you are applying the logical headset to shut them up?
However logical the plans may be, you are going to continue to feel manipulated and upset unless you have a plan which meets your needs.
That is a fast route to depression, and what sounds like a miserable existence for you.
What do you want in your future? I cannot believe that it is staying where you are for the next five years or more, moving out twice a month while he comes back and plays at happy family? the practical solution may not always be the right solution, and what is coming across is that the 'right solution' is causing you even greater stress than he has already put you through, with little to no hope of moving on with a new life of your own. Where does your growth and healing fit into this plan?
In your posts I hear a strong and together person, capable of deep thought and acute analysis of self and situation .........so why are you coming at the bottom of the needs list? thats not even the role model I think you want for your girls, really?
Sending because I think you need them, and have a feeling they are in short supply
Scarletts, I am so sorry you had such a rough time with him.
Next time, just tell him he can pay for a taxi because you are not prepared to be yelled at and that if he cannot speak to you in a civil way then future communication will be via solicitor.
I am not someone who swears, but ffs!!! ...is this man used to getting his own way all the time?
He throws a tantrum because he doesn't want the children to be told why he is leaving, other than some disneyfied "mummy and daddy aren't best friends anymore". Go for it your way. They are not toddlers, so treat them as the young people they are and tell them the truth .... and do not be scared by the threat that he will tell them you drove him away. They are 13-18 yrs old!!! does he really think they aren't aware of exactly how the household dynamics work. My ex tried something similar, because he didn't actually want a divorce because of the settlement cost ...... it worked about as well as a chocolate teapot with my two. They have lived with him for too long.
I think you have to really take on board that this is no longer a partnership. He may still want the controlling vote, but he has given up that right!! You are now making decisions for you, and your children. If he doesn't like the way it goes .....well, he chose this route, not you.
I like your itemisations scarletts, think you are getting your head around protecting your interests a bit more, and don't want to sem strident in what I am saying ....but you seem such a nice person, and so reasonable about it all, that I am becoming furious on your behalf!!
As for not knowing what you want for you at the moment ....thats normal, so don't stress it. What matters is that you are starting to see that YOUR needs should be higher on your agenda than his.
Offering 
and unmumsnetty [hugs]
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