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Secretly afraid of what DH might do

(77 Posts)
CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 22:45:32

Im not sure I should be posting on here but I really have found mn to be invaluable in the past and I'm feeling not myself right now. I think DH is ill and I really don't know what to do about it. I'm scared to challenge to the full as there is no telling what he may do. After 20 plus years together I'm finally moving out with our children as I can't take it anymore. It's taken me this long to realise that the man has issues and that I don't need to live like this as it is depressing. Never knowing when he is going to fly off the handle. Always being wary of him. Don't get me wrong I can stand my ground to a certain extent and I never try to show him I am scared although sometimes I think it is probably obvious.

DH has always had a bad temper but when we were young it was probably both our doing, we stayed together and admittedly I loved him. Throughout my first childs childhood we rowed and rowed but always made up until the next time. However rows with him were never just the normal stuff he would lose his temper and lash out at me hitting and kicking etc. he has always been very verbally abusive and always put me down and for as long as I can remember he has always told me to F off out of his house. He will behave like this also in front of our children. Finally I decided I was going to F off out if his house and I can't bloody wait.

He always says and always has said that he is violent to me because I don't shut up but the reason I don't shut up is because his behaviour towards me has been so incomprehensible that I have to say something and not just sit there and take it (although I used to) . Usually in the past he would hit me and then the row would stop as I would be hurt or too upset to carry on.

When we had our second child things seemed to calm a bit but not for long. He never helped with night feeds or changing and I was totally knackered but all he did was moan at me for being to tired to be having sex with him. I literally was so tired that I had to sleep whenever I got the chance. Rather than helping me he told me how shit I was and that it was my fault out second child was so demanding as I am a shit mother (frequently tells me this) and I've built a rod for my own back. It is now know exactly why my ds was and is the way he is as he has a dx.

DH started to go to the gym as we have both always been into our fitness but obvs with my ds it all went down the pan for me I do t have time to sleep let alone go to the gym anymore. DH started at a new gym that opened later so he was not coming in until gone midnight. This still happens to this day as it has for the last 4 years . He goes out about 8 and comes in after midnight. Naturally at first this really bothered me as I couldn't understand why he would do this I asked him to not keep going out all night every night but he just told me to F off time and time again so in the end I accepted it and now I like it that way as it gets rid of him and I don't have to put up with him all night. But it did upset me that he didn't care enough to make an effort . I've always suspected he didn't really love me but I thought that maybe he did and he just had anger issues but know finally I've seen the light.

We have frequent episodes where DH flips out. He lost something a few weeks ago and totally turned the house upside down scarred the crap out of the kids was kicking and verbally abusing me and calling us all the c word. He doesn't seem to get what he is doing is not normal. I used to get very scared and hurry around to try and be on his side so he didn't turn on me but I don't do that anymore. He said the next day that I know what he is like when he loses something and I should just help him. Incidentally I had to tidy up the whole house he did nothing it took half a day he had even stamped on my ds toys and broke one and he slashed his favourite football.

Tonight he started hitting and kicking me over a phone charger - I told him it was mine and as I only had one I went to get it back he went totally crazy and within 5 seconds of being 'normal' he turnt into this monster that I know so well. The kids came into the room and he looked like he was going to combust at me telling me to F off I'm a stupid C.
It's so sad that he is like this. I really worry what he may do when we split as I'm not taking his orders I don't want to stop him from seeing his kids as although they know what a madman he is obviously he is their dad and they love him but I worry that he may do something silly in a moment of madness to get at me. He doesn't seem to get what he is doing wrong and he lashes out at such small stuff how can I trust him when I'm not there to keep an eye out on him with the kids. What if they do something to spark him off and given ds's dx this is quite possible. Also if he hits me again or the children when he is angry (he has done this before) when we are split I will call the police and that will make him want to kill me.
I worry that he may lose it one day and you hear about this men that split from their wife's or girlfriends and do stupid things. One minute he can be as nice as pie to me and the kids and the next he is going mental over god knows what. He can seem to be so nice.

Lweji Mon 17-Jun-13 05:53:10

You are sounding very strong. smile

But, as others said, that could spell danger for you yes.

If he knows you are moving in 3 weeks, or suspects it, he's likely to become worse.
Make sure you have things ready(ish) and just pick up the kids and go if you get warning signs.
In any case, I'd want to move out before when he thinks you are.

And yes, take all children. Your DD should experience not being around him. Then let her decide.
Lots of women go back after leaving their OHs for the first time.
Your DD may be under a similar spell.
Maybe you should get counselling for her.

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 22:25:40

Thanks all. It's nice to have such great support from you all. My ds has autism so it can be really hard dealing with it all at times.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 16-Jun-13 21:43:06

flowers flowers flowers thinking of you Crystal.

minouminou Sun 16-Jun-13 21:06:13

Been thinking about you today, Crystal.
If you can, make him think you're going in three weeks, but go beforehand....to your sister's or wherever....just for a week.

Please contact women's aid. If you can't go to family they may be able to help you find a place in a refuge. You and your children are not safe where you are.

MadBusLady Sun 16-Jun-13 17:31:51

Hi Crystal, glad you're ok today.

You're realising a lot of things in a rush and it's a lot to take in, you sound stunned but very brave and I am full of admiration. Please try not to punish yourself for what's passed, you are going to protect your children NOW and that is what matters. Also I totally agree with Custardo re your eldest. She is old enough to have a say in what happens to her when it comes to the legal process, but for now I think plan to protect her like you are protecting the younger ones, whether she claims to like it or not.

BUT. I'm a little worried. He sounds unhinged. He really does. Your thoughts are obviously moving fast, so is it possible you are still emerging from a state of denial about how immediately dangerous he is?

Please, please do consider calling Women's Aid and quietly arranging your exit sooner than the moving in date. Does he know about the moving date? Apologies if you've said this above.

Tortington Sun 16-Jun-13 17:18:42

get out, your children shouldn't have to have these memories. If you don't get out as soon as possible with all your children, you are doing them a disservice.

If your DD doesn't like it tough. You are her mother, not her friend

garlicnutty Sun 16-Jun-13 17:08:33

Cross-posted. Can you not just clear off with the younger DC for three weeks?

garlicnutty Sun 16-Jun-13 17:07:18

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The side effects of testosterone are well known. Erectile dysfunction, sudden raging hunger and/or tiredness, hot and cold flushes, thinning skin, allergies, headaches and temper tantrums are common. "Roid rage" refers to sudden, irrational and violent outbursts. It can be extremely dangerous, leading to murder in several documented cases. Bodybuilders use steroids to increase muscle bulk and power. They find it hard to give up because they can't get equivalent results from their training without the hormone, and there are withdrawal symptoms.

Your husband sounds extremely dangerous, Crystal. I agree you should leave as quickly as possible; sort out the other stuff later. You might need to leave DD1 with her darling daddy - if so, just keep in contact with her so you can stay on top of things.

I'd recommend both calling on your sister's help and Women's Aid. I'm so sorry you've been through so much. Good luck, keep posting.

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 17:06:59

Thanks all I have read all of your posts. I don't think I've realised how bad it actually is as as well as the kids I'm used to it too. I used to think that it was important to stay together as a family as breaking up would hurt the kids more and I always told myself I would get out when they were grown up but I can see now it is worse to stay for them and for me. If it is as dysfunctional as it is there is never a good reason to stay together. Unknowingly I have not put my children first and I feel terrible for that as they shouldn't have had to put up with what they have had to witness and hear.
I'm ok today thank you had a spat earlier but I just kept quiet dh spouting off as usual. Been called some nice names but that's all. I couldn't bring myself to give him the Father's Day present from the kids I feel a little bad about that. Never done that before. No matter what happens between us I always do what I should like make him dinner wash his clothes etc etc.
I've been given a moving in date to the new house which is good and its a 3 weeks away.
I also told dh last night that if he ever laid a finger on me again then I would call the police and I mean it and we will see who they think is right and who is in the wrong.
Thanks all x

pinkyredrose Sun 16-Jun-13 16:24:50

How are you today OP?

Wolfiefan Sun 16-Jun-13 12:18:51

I've been in a similar situation (as the DD!) your kids won't hate you. My mum was too terrified to leave before I'd left home. I did beg her to get out at one point.
To your DD this is normal. She's just scared of her life changing.
Be safe.

Fairenuff Sun 16-Jun-13 11:36:03

He doesn't really think you will go. When he realises you mean it, he will become even more dangerously violent. He might not let you go.

Don't mention leaving to him again, just make plans quietly and quickly to move out as soon as you can. Is Monday the earliest you could go, whilst he out of the house?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Jun-13 11:23:46

Not much to add to all the great advice you've been given except to say that your husband is not 'ill'. He's a violent bully that despises women and that is not an illness, it's a deliberate choice.

I hope you get yourself and your DCs away safely and that you get all the help you deserve. Willing to bet that your teenage DD will change her mind when he can't keep up the act. Keep the door open to her

pinkyredrose Sun 16-Jun-13 11:20:43

Your daughter isn't immune to the abuse. She's just used to it. Same as I was when I was a teenager. I ended up in abusive relationships as I didn't know it wasn't 'normal'.

You have the power to change things. Show your DC how different life can be.

I would go to your sisters today. Pack clothes and documents and just go. Who cares if it's crowded there. Better to live in a crowded house than not be alive at all.

whitesugar Sun 16-Jun-13 10:29:58

I would advise you to leave too. Stay at your sisters, you shouldn't be there too long. I left my EXH 14 years ago because of DV. DC had contact with him & all seemed well. When they became teenagers & less compliant he assaulted them. They didn't go to him for while. He then emailed my DD aged 16 and said he was so sorry & missed them. Contact resumed and DC seemed fine. I disagreed with contact but sociAl services said I had no say as DC could decide themselves as they were 16 (DD) and 14 (DS).

DD was acting up & I was trying to discipline her - normal teenage stuff. After a row she would storm off to his house and say she hates me. He encouraged this behaviour. DS said he was happy to go & seemed fine. I kept telling them they didn't have to go but they said they were fine.

In the last few weeks DD was being really rude & verbally abusive. I didn't freak out but listened. She told me she hates her father & blames him for ruining us. She said she only goes because she is afraid of hurting his feelings. He is a master manipulator. Yesterday my DS got drunk. When I got him home he cried his heart out & told me he hates going to his father's but did it to keep the peace.

Apols for long story which is really just to say you are not alone in what's. happening to you. Also a heads up that when DC say they are fine & they look like they are in good form they actually are not fine at all.

You are doing the best thing for yourself & your DC. None of it is going to be easy but you will feel relieved to be away from him. Good luck with everything. Keep doing what you know is best & get away from him as soon as you can. Being at your sisters would be ideal for support for the first few weeks of leaving. You would do it for her. Have an honest chat with DD & she might just open up about her true feelings.

OhTiger Sun 16-Jun-13 02:29:02

Leave darling. Leave and don't look back. He's not ill, he's not a good man, and he may kill you our one of your children.

You have had the best advice here, please take it and run like the wind. You know your situation is wrong or you wouldn't have posted.

I wish you the very best of luck, and am praying you leave

differentnameforthis Sun 16-Jun-13 02:21:23

telling her she needs to be evicted to be housed by them and the whole process is taking so long

My sister went through this process, she refused to leave her rented accom & the landlord had to evict her (she thinks she is entitled to council housing). It took MONTHS, op, MONTHS not weeks, Please, for the sake of your kids & your self, don't wait that long.

differentnameforthis Sun 16-Jun-13 02:18:00

Dc is immune to it all she don't bat an eyelid anymore when he attacks me

She isn't immune to it. It has become so normal for her now, that it doesn't shock her anymore. To her, it is as normal as adding milk to your cereal.

And it won't shock her either, when her boyfriend/husband hits her. Because she thinks that is what life is about. If not for you, you need to leave for her, and teach her what normal really is, before she starts any meaningful relationships.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sun 16-Jun-13 02:11:12

Then I can see why you'd wait for that house.

Your sister would be doing you a massive favour, that is true. But isn't it one you'd do her if your situations were reversed?

RhondaJean Sun 16-Jun-13 02:02:04

My darling.

You have plenty advice re the abuse so I will pick on one thing from you op min the hope it smokes you sct.

My dp is a personal trainer we are both gym junkies. Noone is there from 8 til after 12. He is not only abusing you he is taking you for a fool.

Get angry. Then get out. And if you need help we are here.

You can do this. Be strong x

CrackersandCheese Sun 16-Jun-13 01:55:13

I really don't understand the point in seeing the tenancy agreement through when you could just leave now.

You have offers from people who care and want you to be with them.

Life is too short to wait around. And getting some distance may help you see things more clearly.

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 01:03:20

Id like to go to my sisters maybe I should run it by her again it would be manic with all the kids and she's not good at saying no but I know she would help she has been my rock

Lweji Sun 16-Jun-13 00:52:27

RL is real life.

When I suddenly left home I went to my sister's. DS and I slept on a sofa bed and had to borrow pjs, as I only took my hand bag. It had suddenly hit me that neither of us were safe with now exH.

I'm sure your family will protect you and be happy to see you safe, even if their houses are full, if necessary.

BriansBrain Sun 16-Jun-13 00:51:16

Real life support

Really pleased you are reading our posts

If you are near me I will offer help

Do you know how to PM me your address?

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