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Secretly afraid of what DH might do

(77 Posts)
CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 22:45:32

Im not sure I should be posting on here but I really have found mn to be invaluable in the past and I'm feeling not myself right now. I think DH is ill and I really don't know what to do about it. I'm scared to challenge to the full as there is no telling what he may do. After 20 plus years together I'm finally moving out with our children as I can't take it anymore. It's taken me this long to realise that the man has issues and that I don't need to live like this as it is depressing. Never knowing when he is going to fly off the handle. Always being wary of him. Don't get me wrong I can stand my ground to a certain extent and I never try to show him I am scared although sometimes I think it is probably obvious.

DH has always had a bad temper but when we were young it was probably both our doing, we stayed together and admittedly I loved him. Throughout my first childs childhood we rowed and rowed but always made up until the next time. However rows with him were never just the normal stuff he would lose his temper and lash out at me hitting and kicking etc. he has always been very verbally abusive and always put me down and for as long as I can remember he has always told me to F off out of his house. He will behave like this also in front of our children. Finally I decided I was going to F off out if his house and I can't bloody wait.

He always says and always has said that he is violent to me because I don't shut up but the reason I don't shut up is because his behaviour towards me has been so incomprehensible that I have to say something and not just sit there and take it (although I used to) . Usually in the past he would hit me and then the row would stop as I would be hurt or too upset to carry on.

When we had our second child things seemed to calm a bit but not for long. He never helped with night feeds or changing and I was totally knackered but all he did was moan at me for being to tired to be having sex with him. I literally was so tired that I had to sleep whenever I got the chance. Rather than helping me he told me how shit I was and that it was my fault out second child was so demanding as I am a shit mother (frequently tells me this) and I've built a rod for my own back. It is now know exactly why my ds was and is the way he is as he has a dx.

DH started to go to the gym as we have both always been into our fitness but obvs with my ds it all went down the pan for me I do t have time to sleep let alone go to the gym anymore. DH started at a new gym that opened later so he was not coming in until gone midnight. This still happens to this day as it has for the last 4 years . He goes out about 8 and comes in after midnight. Naturally at first this really bothered me as I couldn't understand why he would do this I asked him to not keep going out all night every night but he just told me to F off time and time again so in the end I accepted it and now I like it that way as it gets rid of him and I don't have to put up with him all night. But it did upset me that he didn't care enough to make an effort . I've always suspected he didn't really love me but I thought that maybe he did and he just had anger issues but know finally I've seen the light.

We have frequent episodes where DH flips out. He lost something a few weeks ago and totally turned the house upside down scarred the crap out of the kids was kicking and verbally abusing me and calling us all the c word. He doesn't seem to get what he is doing is not normal. I used to get very scared and hurry around to try and be on his side so he didn't turn on me but I don't do that anymore. He said the next day that I know what he is like when he loses something and I should just help him. Incidentally I had to tidy up the whole house he did nothing it took half a day he had even stamped on my ds toys and broke one and he slashed his favourite football.

Tonight he started hitting and kicking me over a phone charger - I told him it was mine and as I only had one I went to get it back he went totally crazy and within 5 seconds of being 'normal' he turnt into this monster that I know so well. The kids came into the room and he looked like he was going to combust at me telling me to F off I'm a stupid C.
It's so sad that he is like this. I really worry what he may do when we split as I'm not taking his orders I don't want to stop him from seeing his kids as although they know what a madman he is obviously he is their dad and they love him but I worry that he may do something silly in a moment of madness to get at me. He doesn't seem to get what he is doing wrong and he lashes out at such small stuff how can I trust him when I'm not there to keep an eye out on him with the kids. What if they do something to spark him off and given ds's dx this is quite possible. Also if he hits me again or the children when he is angry (he has done this before) when we are split I will call the police and that will make him want to kill me.
I worry that he may lose it one day and you hear about this men that split from their wife's or girlfriends and do stupid things. One minute he can be as nice as pie to me and the kids and the next he is going mental over god knows what. He can seem to be so nice.

minouminou Sat 15-Jun-13 23:44:32

Where are you now, OP? Are you at home? Is the "man" of the house out? Are you reasonably safe?

CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:49:59

Your all right...I'm bloody weak and too soft that's why I've stood for it for so long.
Thank you all and you minouminou for your list.
Hollyberrybush the steroids question would explain alot as as I said he has always been a bit of a maniac but he is totally off his rocker now. He does take something but its not steroids he got a load of it from turkey when we went on holiday so it can't be illegal. He does inject it into his
stomach ....EWWW I think that had a lot to do with things . No excuse though.
I am going to think about where I can go while I wait for the house.

CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:51:41

Yes minouminou I'm safe I'm at home. He is out with dc he doesn't go gym on a sat. Only one night out of seven. Dc is immune to it all she don't bat an eyelid anymore when he attacks me. She told him earlier he must say sorry to me bless her. She thinks he is great though as he lets her get away with stuff I don't.

minouminou Sat 15-Jun-13 23:52:41

Was this compound from Turkey taken out of his luggage and examined at the airport?

I'm wondering if it's illegal and if you could mention this to an advisor. It could be valuable leverage in the future, when you're talking about access and so on.

CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:55:46

No it wasn't be he said he was allowed a certain amount of it. God knows what the truth is with him. The whole bloody suitcase was full of it.

MadBusLady Sat 15-Jun-13 23:56:38

You're not weak and soft, Crystal. You've been targeted by someone truly horrible, and anybody would be beaten down by it. Nobody walks willingly into the kind of relationship you describe - it deteriorates slowly as the abuser ratchets up their behaviour. I'm glad to hear your family are supportive, I think getting away to them would be a very good idea.

But please do call Women's Aid and the police as well - that's the best way to ensure he will never have the opportunity to do anything stupid to you or the DC. Tell them about the drugs too. Pretty unlikely not to be illegal IMO, but that's not your problem. It all adds to the picture and makes it easier for the police to ensure he can never harm you again.

I hope you can get some sleep tonight.

MadameBlavatsky Sat 15-Jun-13 23:57:37

Please get out! Get you and your kids to safety as soon as you possibly can. You are living with an abuser. Women's Aid can help you, the police will come if you ring them. I know that you have to minimise it in your head in order to survive but please, the posters on here have what you don't right now - perspective. HE IS DANGEROUS, and you need to get your kids out ASAP. You are NOT overreacting. He can and will get worse, and your have to protect your kids and yourself.

Gather important documents and paperwork and essentials and GET OUT. If you are in danger call the police and be honest with them, tell them what he is like.

Your kids NEED you to stand up for yourself. It is him would be to blame for the police dragging him off, NOT YOU. Sorry for all the 'shouting' with caps, but I am trying to emphasise how important this stuff is.

They will not hate you, they need you to do this. You are doing it for them, to show them that what he is doing is wrong and that you shouldn't treat people how he treats you. They are learning about relationships from you both. If you have boys they are learning how to treat women, girls are learning how to be treated. You have to stand up for YOU and THEM.

pictish Sat 15-Jun-13 23:58:06

How awful that your daughter should see her mother being attacked as of no consequence. That's how ingrained it is.
She will accept the same in the future.
Unless you show her otherwise.

minouminou Sat 15-Jun-13 23:58:24

OK, I have to turn in now, as it's late. I'm nowhere near as experienced or knowledgeable as many other ladies who help out victims/survivors of DV on here, and I'm sure the cavalry will be along soon.

I will say, though, that your children will be much happier out of this situation. The "immunity" your DD has is a coping strategy that helps her survive in the terrifying environment she's in, and she would much rather not have to use it at all.

snozzlemaid Sun 16-Jun-13 00:00:31

She may not appear to 'bat an eyelid' when she sees him attacking you, but I can only imagine what harm her witnessing this is doing to her. You need to do what you can to protect her from this. She should not be living with this going on. Poor child. Get yourself and your dc out of there ASAP.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sun 16-Jun-13 00:07:01

It's good that you're leaving him. When are you going?

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 00:07:48

Thank you guys. I think it's too late for dd and I'm terrified she will live with the same when she is older but it was that that made me realise with my ds. I have to get out before he grows up like it too and ends up abusing his wife. I hope to god my dc doesn't let a man do that to her because of me.

Also lately as dh has managed to get on side of older dd , dd is saying that she wants to stay with dh!!!! I know it won't last long and she thinks it will be great because he won't be around to actual parent her as he don't really give a toss about anyone but himself and she will change her mind. I hate him so much I wish he would just vanish from our lives like magic. They do gang up on me now and then and right now dh is taking great pride in the fact that dd wants to stay with him. Night all and thanks for your late night support.

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 00:10:10

Whitebirdbluesky...two weeks maybe three bloody tenant in the house now is waiting to be housed by council and council are making an arse of things and telling her she needs to be evicted to be housed by them and the whole process is taking so long.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sun 16-Jun-13 00:12:19

Do you have to move into that particular house?

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 00:14:58

The situation is that it a colleagues house and I'm not paying much rent and no deposit and hb is able to be paid for rent. I would've be able to afford another house. It is a beautiful house and I have my heart set on going there.

SimLondon Sun 16-Jun-13 00:15:16

Why are you putting your children through this? go, tomorrow for their sakes.

pinkyredrose Sun 16-Jun-13 00:24:39

Please don't stay there any longer than you have to. Family have offered to put you up, take them up on their offer and move into the new house when it's ready.

Abusive men often up their game when their partner is leaving. He sounds exactly the kind of person who would hurt the DC to get at you or kill you before you can go for good.

Two women w wknd are killed by partners or ex partners, people like your

pinkyredrose Sun 16-Jun-13 00:25:01

Husband. please don't be another statistic.

pinkyredrose Sun 16-Jun-13 00:26:33

Two women a wk that should've said.

waterlego Sun 16-Jun-13 00:27:57

Good grief, this is horrendous. I am so glad you're planning to leave- please, please do follow through with that plan.

Did you say upthread that family have offered to have you at their house? Please go there until you can get a place of your own. Some women manage to leave men like this with literally nowhere to go, but if you have family who are willing to support you, that's a wonderful thing, and a chance you should grab with both hands.

Please don't let this man wear you and your children down any further. This will be having a monumental impact on your children, as I know you realise, and I am not trying to make you feel guilty in saying that- you have no reason at all to feel guilty- he is entirely responsible for this misery...but your children need to see you making a stand, for your safety and theirs.

All the very best. xxx

BriansBrain Sun 16-Jun-13 00:29:24

Your thread is a horror to read.

Please do everything you can to get out now.

No one goes to the the gym 4 hours a night 6 days a week in a healthy regime.

I feel so sad for you and your DC and I'm a gym obsessed wife.

Nothing you have posted is normal and reads so so wrong

Where is your RL help? I have none but would never live like this

BriansBrain Sun 16-Jun-13 00:32:23

Just read up

Tell him to leave, get help to get him out

Wher are you? Me and DH will get him out!

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 00:43:05

That's a shocking statistic ponkyredrose...chilling to the bone!
I'm finding it hard to bare but I know we will be out soon. My family are great but they have full households and the only one who doesn't is my step dad but my mum passed a few years ago and I've hardly been able to go there since as its hard with her not there it feels strange. Other family are in London and too far to commute for work and school. I'm going to work something out though.
Briansbrain...that made me smile ...your kind offer of removal...he won't go anywhere I've tried that one already.
What do u guys think about dc suddenly saying she wants to stay and live with dh!!!! Just shows u how he has twisted things...they are getting on at the moment and he is loving it. They often gang up on me dc really thinks dh is cool coz he is more like a friend or brother than a father. That's when he is being half decent to her which won't last long. I have a good mind to let her do it and see how long she lasts but that's like feeding her to the dogs but I don't want her telling me I forced her I want it to be her choice.

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 00:44:43

I'm getting all my d's mixed up...meant dd wanting to stay with dh she is a teenager.ds is a mummy's boy to the core

Lweji Sun 16-Jun-13 00:45:28

Have you considered that your DD may be scared of your OH? And trying to get on his good side?

Oh, and:
I worry that he may lose it one day
That day is passed.

Ring WA. You might get a refuge place while you can't get in the new home.

Still, all the best on moving out. Stay safe, as when leaving is the most dangerous time.

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