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Secretly afraid of what DH might do

(77 Posts)
CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 22:45:32

Im not sure I should be posting on here but I really have found mn to be invaluable in the past and I'm feeling not myself right now. I think DH is ill and I really don't know what to do about it. I'm scared to challenge to the full as there is no telling what he may do. After 20 plus years together I'm finally moving out with our children as I can't take it anymore. It's taken me this long to realise that the man has issues and that I don't need to live like this as it is depressing. Never knowing when he is going to fly off the handle. Always being wary of him. Don't get me wrong I can stand my ground to a certain extent and I never try to show him I am scared although sometimes I think it is probably obvious.

DH has always had a bad temper but when we were young it was probably both our doing, we stayed together and admittedly I loved him. Throughout my first childs childhood we rowed and rowed but always made up until the next time. However rows with him were never just the normal stuff he would lose his temper and lash out at me hitting and kicking etc. he has always been very verbally abusive and always put me down and for as long as I can remember he has always told me to F off out of his house. He will behave like this also in front of our children. Finally I decided I was going to F off out if his house and I can't bloody wait.

He always says and always has said that he is violent to me because I don't shut up but the reason I don't shut up is because his behaviour towards me has been so incomprehensible that I have to say something and not just sit there and take it (although I used to) . Usually in the past he would hit me and then the row would stop as I would be hurt or too upset to carry on.

When we had our second child things seemed to calm a bit but not for long. He never helped with night feeds or changing and I was totally knackered but all he did was moan at me for being to tired to be having sex with him. I literally was so tired that I had to sleep whenever I got the chance. Rather than helping me he told me how shit I was and that it was my fault out second child was so demanding as I am a shit mother (frequently tells me this) and I've built a rod for my own back. It is now know exactly why my ds was and is the way he is as he has a dx.

DH started to go to the gym as we have both always been into our fitness but obvs with my ds it all went down the pan for me I do t have time to sleep let alone go to the gym anymore. DH started at a new gym that opened later so he was not coming in until gone midnight. This still happens to this day as it has for the last 4 years . He goes out about 8 and comes in after midnight. Naturally at first this really bothered me as I couldn't understand why he would do this I asked him to not keep going out all night every night but he just told me to F off time and time again so in the end I accepted it and now I like it that way as it gets rid of him and I don't have to put up with him all night. But it did upset me that he didn't care enough to make an effort . I've always suspected he didn't really love me but I thought that maybe he did and he just had anger issues but know finally I've seen the light.

We have frequent episodes where DH flips out. He lost something a few weeks ago and totally turned the house upside down scarred the crap out of the kids was kicking and verbally abusing me and calling us all the c word. He doesn't seem to get what he is doing is not normal. I used to get very scared and hurry around to try and be on his side so he didn't turn on me but I don't do that anymore. He said the next day that I know what he is like when he loses something and I should just help him. Incidentally I had to tidy up the whole house he did nothing it took half a day he had even stamped on my ds toys and broke one and he slashed his favourite football.

Tonight he started hitting and kicking me over a phone charger - I told him it was mine and as I only had one I went to get it back he went totally crazy and within 5 seconds of being 'normal' he turnt into this monster that I know so well. The kids came into the room and he looked like he was going to combust at me telling me to F off I'm a stupid C.
It's so sad that he is like this. I really worry what he may do when we split as I'm not taking his orders I don't want to stop him from seeing his kids as although they know what a madman he is obviously he is their dad and they love him but I worry that he may do something silly in a moment of madness to get at me. He doesn't seem to get what he is doing wrong and he lashes out at such small stuff how can I trust him when I'm not there to keep an eye out on him with the kids. What if they do something to spark him off and given ds's dx this is quite possible. Also if he hits me again or the children when he is angry (he has done this before) when we are split I will call the police and that will make him want to kill me.
I worry that he may lose it one day and you hear about this men that split from their wife's or girlfriends and do stupid things. One minute he can be as nice as pie to me and the kids and the next he is going mental over god knows what. He can seem to be so nice.

whattodoo Sat 15-Jun-13 22:50:04

Please contact Women's Aid. They will talk you through options and support you.

You and your DC deserve a better life than this.

Littlefish Sat 15-Jun-13 22:51:03

Phone the police tonight and phone Women's aid too. Don't want until you have split. You are in a dangerous relationship.

BlackeyedSusan Sat 15-Jun-13 22:51:07

darling, you need to protect yourself. do you know how to hide your internet history?

the person doing the hitting and kicking is the one responsble for their actions, no amount of provoking is an excuse. if they are getting angry, they are responsible for getting themselves out to calm down.

tribpot Sat 15-Jun-13 22:53:04

To be brutally honest, you are all more at risk if you stay than if you go. But you are especially at risk right now, when he knows you are going. (Does he know this yet?)

You need to get the hell out at soon as you possibly can. Please call the police, please call Women's Aid and get gone.

It sounds as if it would be highly unsuitable for him to have unsupervised contact with the children. The police and Women's Aid will help you to make the necessary arrangements. But you cannot stay because of this issue - you and your children cannot live like this.

MissMarplesBloomers Sat 15-Jun-13 22:53:39

Good god woman, get yourself & the DC's out of there ASAP.

have you somewhere to go? Ring your local Womens Aid for advice & a possible safe house.

You need to log these incidents with the Domestic Violence team at your local police station too. You will need evidence to build up a case if you want the kids to only have supervised contact with him.

Get legal advice too.

All scary stuff but you ALL deserve better than this.

WinkyWinkola Sat 15-Jun-13 22:54:40

And you cannot let him have access to your dcs. He is mad. Bonkers unable to control himself.

You've been through so much. Big strength to you. Well done for getting out.

You all deserve more.

He on the other hand, deserves a few years for assault

Awks Sat 15-Jun-13 22:55:30

You sound so numb. Please phone womens aid now and when he's gone to work on monday leave. Dont mess about any longer, you simply must go. Much love x

babyhammock Sat 15-Jun-13 22:56:08

Right ....have you phoned the police before? (I'm really hoping you have and that there is a record of the awful man's behaviour)
Please phone them now. You have to be able to protect your children and the more reported incidents the better chance you have of doing that.
Yes yes to speaking to womans aid, although if you call the police they will also automatically refer you to a support worker if you want. Don't hold back on anything, show the police your post if it makes it easier.
Read Lundy Bancroft x

pictish Sat 15-Jun-13 22:57:16

I can only agree. You should talk to Women's Aid as they are trained yo help you in exactly a scenario such as this.

To clarify - your husband is not a good man. He is violent, controlling and abusive. He is not a good father either. You would do very well to remove yourself and your children from his presence as soon as possible. He is dangerous. Very dangerous. Sooner or later he is going to seriously hurt one of you.
You need help and you need it now.

Women's Aid. 0808 2000 247.

scallopsrgreat Sat 15-Jun-13 22:59:00

Oh sweetheart, this is dreadful. He isn't ill you know. He just feels entitled to treat you and the children like this. And it has nothing to do with you and your behaviour. No matter what you did he would still treat you like shit and be violent towards you.

As whattodoo says ring Women's Aid. Also Lundy Bancroft's book Why does do that may also be helpful. The Rights of Women website may also be helpful. If he is physically abusive to the children you maybe able to stop him from seeing them. Speak to a solicitor if you can/afford it.

But you knowing leaving is the only option. Women's Aid can help you leave safely (and possibly help on the legal/access front too)

Good luck

Good luck, be careful, leave on Monday when he's out from 8 til midnight?

Remember you are not to blame for any of this.

Surely Winky is right about the assault, please make sure you do report it to police.

MadBusLady Sat 15-Jun-13 23:03:56

It sounds very unlikely that he will be granted unsupervised access to the DC. You don't need to worry about that - provided you alert someone who can help you.

The dangerous period is now. Do not give him any hint that you are seeking help. Delete your browsing history. As soon as he is out of the house for a decent length of time, take your DC and go to a police station.

Taking passports will be helpful if you can find them easily and without arousing suspicion. Anything else you can be escorted back to collect.

Normally I know people advise to put together an "escape bag" and bide your time to sort out finances etc. But this is very, very serious abuse you are describing. Your children are in danger.

HollyBerryBush Sat 15-Jun-13 23:07:52

Is he on steroids?

pictish Sat 15-Jun-13 23:12:41

I also agree that this sounds very very grim.

Call Women's Aid, and seek refuge. They are your first port of call. They will sort you out.

You must keep a lid on your plans, and then as soon as the opportunity arises, get the hell out. You and your children are in danger. You must leave.

minouminou Sat 15-Jun-13 23:19:40

Good question, HollyBerry.
Not because it excuses or even explains his vile abuse, but because we can get a measure of how unstable and unpredictable he might be.

Isn't there a big list of the things women should pack before they leave - I've seen it on previous threads of this nature. I'll see if I can find it.

minouminou Sat 15-Jun-13 23:27:29

Making a Safety Plan
A personal safety plan is a way of helping you to protect yourself and your
children. It helps you plan in advance for the possibility of future violence and
abuse. It also helps you to think about how you can increase your safety
either within the relationship, or if you decide to leave.
You cannot stop your partner's violence and abuse: only they can do that. But
there are things you can do to increase your own and your children's safety.
You’re probably already doing some things to protect yourself and your
children – for example, there may be a pattern to the violence, which may
enable you to plan ahead to increase your safety.
• Plan in advance how you might respond in different situations,
including crisis situations.
• Think about the different options that may be available to you.
• Keep with you any important and emergency telephone numbers -
e.g. your local Women's Aid refuge organisation or other domestic
violence service; the police domestic violence unit; your GP; your
social worker, if you have one; your children's school; your solicitor;
and the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline run in
partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247.
• Teach your children to call 999 in an emergency, and what they
would need to say; e.g. their full name, address and telephone number.
• Is there a neighbour you could trust, and where you could go in an
emergency? If so, tell them what is going on, and ask them to call the
police if they hear sounds of a violent attack.
• Rehearse an escape plan, so in an emergency you and the children
can get away safely.
• Pack an emergency bag for yourself your children, and hide it
somewhere safe - e.g. at a neighbour's or friend's house. Try to avoid
mutual friends or family. (There are some suggestions below for what
you need to take with you when you leave).
• Try to keep a small amount of money on you at all times - including
change for the phone and for bus fares.
• Know where the nearest phone is – and if you have a mobile phone,
try to keep it with you.
• If you suspect that yu are
thinking of leaving, and will continue to do so after you have left, so this can
be a particularly dangerous time for you. It’s important to remember that
ending the relationship will not necessarily end the abuse.
Plan to leave at a time you know your partner will not be around. Try to take
everything you will need with you - including any important documents relating
to yourself and your children - as you may not be able to return later. Take
your children with you - otherwise it may be difficult or impossible to have
them living with you in future. If they are at school, make sure that the head
and all your children's teachers know what the situation is, and who will be
collecting the children in future. (See below, Protecting yourself after you
have left.)
Thinking about leaving and making the decision to leave can be a long
process. Planning it doesn't mean you have to carry it through immediately -
or at all. But it may help to be able to consider all the options, and how you
could overcome the difficulties involved. If at all possible, try to set aside a
small amount of money each week, or even open a separate bank account.
What to pack if you are planning to leave your partner
Ideally, you need to take all the following items with you if you leave. Some
of these items you can try to keep with you at all times; others you may be
able to pack in your "emergency bag".
• Some form of identification.
• Birth certificates for you and your children.
• Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work
permits.
• Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of
keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
• Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you
are entitled to.
• Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if
applicable.
• Prescribed medication.
• Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure, e.g. mortgage
details or lease and rental agreements.
• Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
• Address book.
• Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental
value.
• Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
• Your children’s favourite small toys.
You should also take any documentation relating to the abuse - e.g. police
reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of
medical records if you have them.

CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:28:50

I'm really shocked from your replies as obviously I'm not getting how awful he is probably because I'm used to it and maybe I have low esteem. I have a good family network who are counting the days until I start up alone. They have listened to me moan about him for years and they know exactly what he is like but to them he is as nice as can be and for a long time they found it hard to comprehend. He is very clever with the things he does. He used to turn my dd against me by treating me to despicably that when I would get in a state he would say look at her she is nuts lets get out if here. I nearly had a breakdown before my ds was born as he totally took my dd away from me. He was far more clever than me back then but now I feel I have the upper hand but I'm still a little scarred of his actions. He does know I'm leaving and I haven't gone yet coz I'm waiting for the current tenancy to end. My family tell me too to just get out and come stay with them until my house is ready but its only a few more weeks and I have put up with it for this long what does a few more weeks make. If the abuse to my dc was very serious and even if it happens again one more time I will go. He never ever hit the kids ever it has only been recently he has been rough with them, I think it's coz one has a dx that effects the way he acts so he gets very uncontrollable at times and the other is a teenager so both pushing his buttons which he can't control which is why they are seeing his nasty side too sometimes now. Mainly it is just me he hates. He is happy for me to be leaving although sometimes when he is not angry at me he says things like oh you wouldn't really leave me would you. But I really don't think he cares well he obvs doesn't or he would have sorted himself out and spoken to me about it. I have tried to discuss things with him recently and as ever in the past but he just ignores me completely and only ever answers with F off which really frustrates me as I just want a sincere meaningful conversation with him. Then if I persist he just thumps me one. But that's my fault as I didn't shut up. My dc is also very rude to me not for being a teenager although that is some of it but because she has grown up hearing mum being spoken to like a piece of crap and he has never supported me with disciplining her he used to tell her not to listen to me and do what she liked and now he wonders why she has no respect for the pair of us not just me but mostly me.
Thank you for all for support and comments. I will look into the suggestions you have all made.
I really don't want to stop him seeing the kids as they will hate me am I just being weak. I told him unless he gets help he won't see them but I can see the anger in his eyes then other times when he is angry he says good I don't want to see them the little shits I want you all out of my life. I know he doesn't mean that though its me he hates not them. I don't even know why he hates me I've always stood by him until now. He always had it in for me for some reason.

Thanks again really needed to get all this off my chest without loading it onto my usual friends, thx

minouminou Sat 15-Jun-13 23:30:50

I just realised I missed a chunk of that out:

A personal safety plan is a way of helping you to protect yourself and your
children. It helps you plan in advance for the possibility of future violence and
abuse. It also helps you to think about how you can increase your safety
either within the relationship, or if you decide to leave.
You cannot stop your partner's violence and abuse: only they can do that. But
there are things you can do to increase your own and your children's safety.
You’re probably already doing some things to protect yourself and your
children – for example, there may be a pattern to the violence, which may
enable you to plan ahead to increase your safety.
• Plan in advance how you might respond in different situations,
including crisis situations.
• Think about the different options that may be available to you.
• Keep with you any important and emergency telephone numbers -
e.g. your local Women's Aid refuge organisation or other domestic
violence service; the police domestic violence unit; your GP; your
social worker, if you have one; your children's school; your solicitor;
and the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline run in
partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247.
• Teach your children to call 999 in an emergency, and what they
would need to say; e.g. their full name, address and telephone number.
• Is there a neighbour you could trust, and where you could go in an
emergency? If so, tell them what is going on, and ask them to call the
police if they hear sounds of a violent attack.
• Rehearse an escape plan, so in an emergency you and the children
can get away safely.
• Pack an emergency bag for yourself your children, and hide it
somewhere safe - e.g. at a neighbour's or friend's house. Try to avoid
mutual friends or family. (There are some suggestions below for what
you need to take with you when you leave).
• Try to keep a small amount of money on you at all times - including
change for the phone and for bus fares.
• Know where the nearest phone is – and if you have a mobile phone,
try to keep it with you.
• If you suspect that your partner is about to attack you, try to go to a
lower risk area of the house - for example where there is a way out
and access to a telephone. Avoid the kitchen or garage where there
are likely to be knives or other weapons; and avoid rooms where you
might be trapped - such as the bathroom - or where you might be shut into a
cupboard or other small space.
• Be prepared to leave the house in an emergency.
Preparing to leave
Whatever coping strategies you have used – with more or less success -
there may come a time when you feel the only option is to leave your partner.
If you do decide to leave your partner, it is best if you can plan this carefully.
Sometimes abusers will increase their violence if they suspect you are
thinking of leaving, and will continue to do so after you have left, so this can
be a particularly dangerous time for you. It’s important to remember that
ending the relationship will not necessarily end the abuse.
Plan to leave at a time you know your partner will not be around. Try to take
everything you will need with you - including any important documents relating
to yourself and your children - as you may not be able to return later. Take
your children with you - otherwise it may be difficult or impossible to have
them living with you in future. If they are at school, make sure that the head
and all your children's teachers know what the situation is, and who will be
collecting the children in future. (See below, Protecting yourself after you
have left.)
Thinking about leaving and making the decision to leave can be a long
process. Planning it doesn't mean you have to carry it through immediately -
or at all. But it may help to be able to consider all the options, and how you
could overcome the difficulties involved. If at all possible, try to set aside a
small amount of money each week, or even open a separate bank account.
What to pack if you are planning to leave your partner
Ideally, you need to take all the following items with you if you leave. Some
of these items you can try to keep with you at all times; others you may be
able to pack in your "emergency bag".
• Some form of identification.
• Birth certificates for you and your children.
• Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work
permits.
• Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards. The
Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of
keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
• Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you
are entitled to.
• Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if
applicable.
• Prescribed medication.
• Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure, e.g. mortgage
details or lease and rental agreements.
• Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
• Address book.
• Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental
value.
• Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
• Your children’s favourite small toys.
You should also take any documentation relating to the abuse - e.g. police
reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of
medical records if you have them.

CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:34:07

Oh yes I forgot to say I am logging all the incidents and I only use mn on my phone which he can't get too.
My dc did call the police once when she was very small coz we were having a huge row and she got scarred it was awful to think that she did that I'm very ashamed. The police came and spoke to us seperately and they told me to leave I didn't press charges but it was logged. I have told him I will call them but I never do I can't bear to see the kids faces when their daddy gets dragged off in a police act although he deserves it I know my dc will hate me for it.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 15-Jun-13 23:34:48

Please load it onto your usual friends. Please get some RL support flowers flowers flowers

pictish Sat 15-Jun-13 23:37:21

Oh love...he has really wrung you out hasn't he?

I'll tell you what difference a few more weeks make...life and death. It could be the difference between life and death. This twisted fucker thrives on crushing you.

I really hope someone here has the right combination of words to get you to place of safety and support. Refuge, or more likely your family.
You should start by talking to Women's Aid.

minouminou Sat 15-Jun-13 23:38:26

OK, my love. Are you sure you can't go sooner? To a refuge or to a relative's house?
Have a good read through this, and at the Women's Aid website, and nominate someone in your family to safeguard the documents in the list above.
You also need someone to run to in a hurry if necessary.

MadBusLady Sat 15-Jun-13 23:40:56

Oh goodness, they won't hate you! Their "daddy" probably terrifies the crap out of them. They've spent all their lives walking on eggshells around his moods and learning how to manage him and win his favour for their own survival. Leaving will be the strongest and the best thing you've ever done for them.

pictish Sat 15-Jun-13 23:41:34

And get the hell out of there! Go to your family!! Why are you staying to be hit and abused, and have your kids poisoned further by this maniac?
Scramble back up onto your feet and hit the road! Fuck the tenancy.

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