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Quick poll - if you got married in church, did you choose to 'obey'

(169 Posts)
Wuldric Sat 15-Jun-13 21:24:15

And did anyone you know choose to obey?

After 22 years of marriage DH told me how very shocked he was when I told him I wasn't going to obey. He seemed not to blink an eyelid at the time. Apparently he was surprised by my radical feminism and how far out I was.

But was it radical? Really?

On September 12, 1922, the Episcopal Church voted to remove the word "obey" from the bride's section of wedding vows. Other churches of the Anglican Communion each have their own authorized prayer books which in general follow the vows described above though the details and languages used do vary.

So women were ditching the obey as far back as 1922. Please tell me I am not out in left field. Not that there is anything wrong with being in left field, I just didn't think I was IYSWIM.

Carolra Sat 15-Jun-13 22:02:38

Married in 2011 and did not obey. I originally said I wanted whatever was traditional but then the vicar told me dh would cherish me and I'd obey him. It's just weird, he'd rather be cherished than obeyed anyway. We both went with cherish.

MrsGSR Sat 15-Jun-13 22:03:40

I said obey last year, but we had to ask to put it back in as it's not in the book of vows our church use.

MrsGSR Sat 15-Jun-13 22:06:12

I said 'love, comfort, honour and obey' and dh swapped obey for protect. The minister usually just used 'love, comfort and honour' and he was an older, traditional pastor so I think it is now usual to not say obey.

MadameBlavatsky Sat 15-Jun-13 22:06:25

Erm, no. Been married twice. Didn't say 'obey' either time. I can't believe anyone would say that nowadays!

C of E wedding in 1973, given the choice and decided not to.

Parker231 Sat 15-Jun-13 22:12:44

For those who did "obey" - am really interested as to why you included this !

Lovethesea Sat 15-Jun-13 22:12:52

No, married 6 years ago and used modern Episcopal church of scotland wording

41notTrendy Sat 15-Jun-13 22:16:23

I can't remember blush

Fozziebearmum2b Sat 15-Jun-13 22:17:56

Got married last year and wanted to mean all my vows- I'm not obeying anyone wink

Friend of mine got married in 2010 though and promised to obey. Vicar had explained to her that the vows meant her dh promised to obey god and she had to obey her dh-so essentially she was obeying god.

Respect her views but wasn't something I could have done smile

EleanorFarjeon Sat 15-Jun-13 22:18:48

No! The idea is laughable to me.

I have never been to a wedding where 'obey' was included in the vows.

ThistleVille Sat 15-Jun-13 22:19:44

No - married 1980. Chose to 'cherish' .....

CaramelLatte Sat 15-Jun-13 22:20:56

Married 1988, love, honour and cherish.

ITCouldBeWorse Sat 15-Jun-13 22:23:33

No, we married in the 1900s, not 1800s

No. Married in 1993, I was given the choice to obey or cherish. I chose cherish. This was in a church of Ireland in a small town, radical it isn't.

My Dsis said obey when she married a couple of years ago. She told me, if anything ever went wrong, she could blame her DH. Very healthy!
On the other hand, I seem to remember Laura Ingalls Wilder said she would not say obey when she got married in 1885. (author of the 'little house on the prairie' books).

BlackeyedSusan Sat 15-Jun-13 22:31:21

no- way.

I chose to obey in 2004. The vicar did a lovely explanation of what it really means to be obedient to a husband and how it fits in with DH's vow to protect me.

empra Sat 15-Jun-13 22:33:56

I obeyed in 1992 but that was my choice

Anniegetyourgun Sat 15-Jun-13 22:36:45

1983, CofE. Dick the Vic (as he was respectfully known) asked whether we wanted "obey". I said no and XH said yes simultaneously. The vicar asked why I didn't want it, and I said pretty much the same as Fozziebearmum above, because I wasn't going to make any vows I did not intend to keep, and this was supposed to be an equal partnership not one person telling another one what to do. Then he asked XH why he did want it, getting a mumbled reply of "it's traditional innit". I said he was welcome to promise to obey me if he felt it was important to include, and the vicar choked a bit. We went with to love and to cherish.

Mind you 25 years later, while we were divorcing, XH tried to say I had promised to obey; but he said a lot of peculiar things...

I actually cannot understand anyone shoving "obey" back in the ceremony where it hasn't been for nearly a century. I mean, if you want to obey your spouse, by all means do; but that's between the two of you, surely, like a lot of other things. You may as well extend the vows to include "to have your tea on the table promptly at half past five", or "to ensure a supply of freshly laundered underwear".

Not on your nelly!

DH and I both said love, honour and cherish which I think is the standard United Church of Canada wording (basically a Methodist spinoff), 12 years ago.

We have a running in-joke by commanding each other "Cherish me! Do it now!" Has both of us in fits of laughter and everyone else around us going hmm

Xiaoxiong Sat 15-Jun-13 22:45:56

I didn't, the vicar knew us well enough not to even bring it up.

We did go to a rather depressing evangelical wedding last year where not only did the bride obey, but the entire service was basically geared to highlight the fact that she was obeying her husband, who was obeying Jesus. Literally every part of the service, from the prayers to the vows to the address to every single speech at the reception, mentioned her promising to obey and how it was totally her choice, she was joyfully surrendering to the godly wisdom of her husband, etc etc.

DH leaned over to me after a few hours of this and whispered "the lady doth protest too much, methinks" which sort of summed up the whole occasion.

exoticfruits Sat 15-Jun-13 22:53:49

Absolutely not! I have been married twice in church and didn't either time - I didn't realise people did and can't think why they would!

Anniegetyourgun Sat 15-Jun-13 22:54:29

Cheer up, Xiaoxiong, I expect the first thing that happened when they got back to their little love-nest after the honeymoon was that she whacked him round the back of the head with a skillet and told him exactly what he could do with "obey".

CVSFootPowder Sat 15-Jun-13 22:55:06

I'm ruminating now on what 'honour' means. I think I may have asked to have that changed too, if I'd realised how the marriage was going to turn out grin

Tommy Sat 15-Jun-13 22:56:54

there wasn't the option (Catholic marriage) although I wouldn't have

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