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This seems a pointless exercise to me...

(124 Posts)
moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 13:02:43

As stated in the title, a man I have been seeing has told me he needs something from me that seems quite pointless...a week with no contact, to 'think'.

He ended things a few weeks ago, due to him not being in the right head space or something, and has gone through periods of telling me he needs to leave me alone, then saying he cant do that as something keeps drawing him back.

He came round for a talk last night. The gist of what he said is thay he cant work out whether he is madly in love with m or hates me...because I infuriate him so much beyond the point anyone ever has when we argue (I do push things quite far) but at the very same time he is so deeply drawn to me and I make him smile inside (a phrase i have never quite understood).
He doesnt feel like he wants to lose all contact, I make him happier than anyone ever has, we connect so deeply and he has felt pure joy when we have just messed around having a laugh...but doesnt feel like we have a future as he doesnt feel that core 'want' htobbe with me, date me etc.
But then he looked pained and asked why he doesnt feel that want to be with me, given that he feels all that other stuff for me.

We ended up in bed but he couldnt 'do' anything, saying it wasnt right if at this moment in time he cant envisage a future for us.

He then said that he wants/needs a week with no contact between us, so he can work out how he truly feels, whether the attraction is just physical or something more.

I have agreed, as I think the space will enable me to start to move on; as I really feel he cant gain the necessary feelings in 7 days and I dont see how he can work anything out in this time?

Can anyone shed any light on what he might be hoping to achieve? it just seems pointless to me.

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 15:50:09

Well thats what I'm doing. Apart from posting on here of course :-)

I have deleted his number, call logs, messages etc.

As I said, this week will be used to get used to not being in contact with him so that if he doesnt contact me again I will already be used to the idea anyway.

Why does me posting this have to.mean im in emotion turmoil over it all, lol? I dont have a family to look after so on this otherwise boring saturday I was just curious as to what he thinms he might achieve with asking for this week 'to think' rather than just ending it outright which he didnt seem to want to do.

thats all, no drana just wondering.

Confuseddd Sat 15-Jun-13 15:52:56

New relationships shouldn't be this complicated. He sounds awful hard work.

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 15:56:15

Fuck right off? well firstly it just isnt in my nature to say that, dont see the need.

Secondly, Im not crying into my pillow over this, he IS just a man after all.

Thirdly as I keep saying, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt as long as im not adversely affected (and I'm not, as he has been there for me as a friend and always will be)

Fourth; I would like to think that if I ever met someone that I thought might be totally right for.me but had a bit of a wobble as to whether my feelings were genuine or clouded by a fear of commitment or other issues, the person I liked would give mesome time to work it out and not just jump to 'ltb'.

justgivemeareason Sat 15-Jun-13 15:57:30

Yes this sounds just like the caretaker thread - off/on/on/off/ love/lust/he tries to get away/then stays the night/you analyse everything/don't listen to advice/go on and on and on.

Somethingtothinkabout Sat 15-Jun-13 16:01:15

But he doesn't think you might be right for him OP, nor is he right for you.

Come on, you need to wind your neck in. Don't be one of those people. Take control of the situation and don't just passively wait until he decides whether or not he can be arsed. Text him and tell him it's over and not to contact you again.

CVSFootPowder Sat 15-Jun-13 16:01:53

This isn't 'a bit of a wobble' OP. It's not like he's been great with you and then suddenly asked for some space.He's already done this before.
He's a headfuck. Feel free to continue with him if that's what you want from a relationship.

How's the tuck shop going these days?

CVSFootPowder Sat 15-Jun-13 16:02:59

just yes - the same - even down to the sex thing

Lweji Sat 15-Jun-13 16:07:30

Not sure if you're still reading it, but I wouldn't wait for him to get back in contact.
I'd send him a text telling him not to bother contacting you again.

Or wait until he does make contact, but then just send him off, regardless of what he says.

Why you would want to continue in such a roller coaster?

forumdonkey Sat 15-Jun-13 16:10:17

It's don't you want me janny all over again hmm

CVSFootPowder Sat 15-Jun-13 16:13:22

So pleased to see you Donkey grin
tbh it's worth going through it all again if it leads you to another excellent composition !

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 16:18:16

Ok, why am I being compared to a Janitor? a few of you have said that now and I have no idea what youre all on about.

Lweji - the second option is closer to what I was planning on doing on anyway. As I said, he is deleted from my phone so only way i could contact him is if he texts me first. And if he does, I would definitely take a while to think about it before replying, and unless he said he had made.a huge mistake and did a complete turn around I doubt I would respond positively anywy.

Not sure why im being accused of not listening to advice though. I posted asking a specific question which wasnt should i be with him; it was can anyone explain his reasoning. So surely its no ones place to offer advice on.my situation, other than those who can answer my specific question.

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 16:19:59

and no offence meant to anyone, its just I was musing on what might have been going on in his head when he said he needs (not wants) a week (very specific IMO) to think.

forumdonkey Sat 15-Jun-13 16:20:15

CVS call me psychic but I know what you and others are thinking and doing right now. You're all singing aren't you??!!!!

''Don't you want me Janny
Don't you want me Tucky
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh'

gringringrin

forumdonkey Sat 15-Jun-13 16:23:23

moolamoo why would you want to be with someone who you argue with so bad you hate each other?

Get shut

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Jun-13 16:27:46

Personally I think anyone who trots out the 'I don't know if I love you or not' line... or anything approaching it.... is either very cruel or wasting your time or both. Life's far too short for that kind of crap.

Agree with the poster who said if he's telling you he's a fuck up, believe him.

I had an almost 5 year relationship/head fuck with a man like this who I should have run away from, screaming. My excuse was that I was very young. Please, please don't put up with this. You deserve so much better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Jun-13 16:30:01

BTW... motivations for behaving that way.

1. 'Playing hard to get'... speaks for itself
2. You're not the only woman in his life and he's trying to choose.

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 16:30:56

We havent argued as such. It was more issues with families on either side causing tension (he isnt a doctor so my family dont think he is suitable, his family think mine are stuck up basically!).

And the hate thing, he says he could never hate me, what he meant was he doesnt know if what he is feeling is love, or just that he has ben used to being in touch with me so often and just fancies.me, like a teenage crush type thing. I get what he meant, as its how I feel too.

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 16:33:35

cogito - trust me its not the second one, I know 100%

He never said he loved me though, that would be worse if he said it then took it back. Hes just saying hes not sure if its.more lust than true feelings.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Jun-13 16:38:39

He doesn't know if what he's feeling is love? hmm Sadly, I've met a few too many of these emotionally illiterate types and, whilst all this tortured navel gazing might go down well in a Bronte novel, in real life it's a pain the fucking arse and gets very old, very quickly.

'Real men' I've decided don't need to work out how they feel about something. They have the courage of their convictions.

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 16:53:30

I do agree with that cogito.

I'm sure I will get a long text message next weekend, telling me how sorry he is but cant go on hurting me, he hasnt thought about anything else all weekend etc etc poor me...

To which I will reply that I had been thinking the same thing, but decided to retain enough humility and dignity not to send such a aelf indulgant and arrogant text.

MorrisZapp Sat 15-Jun-13 16:54:35

In your op you say the conflicted feelings are due to how far you push him in arguments, making him infuriated.

Now you're saying its a love/lust dilemma?

Somethingtothinkabout Sat 15-Jun-13 17:00:17

Why not just text now?

And how do you know for sure it's not number 2 on Cog's list? You have no idea what he's up to this week, he could be up to anything. I assume you don't live together?

Lweji Sat 15-Jun-13 17:07:29

If he texts, don't engage on a reply.
Whatever he says, just say you're done.

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 17:09:31

I didnt say that, or at least didnt mean it that way.

We have argued twice, both over the family thing. I am very forthright and hes more of a say nothing type. He is used to people more like him, that will drop an issue when he is a bit vague, whereas I keep pushing for a proper answer.

He says this is one of the things about me that he feels he needs in his life, someone who "will chalenge me and make me see where I am going wrong".

He then said that he doesnt know whether he cant get me out of his head and thinks about me all theime because he is madly love with me or hates.me...when i asked why he said hate, he said he didnt mean that, he just doesnt kbow how he feels as he swings from one extreme (wanting to bewith me) to the other (cant handle the confusion and wanting me out of his life) constantly, but when e tries to cut me out he feels like he just cant or doesnt want to, but doesnt know how i can be so under his skin where he thinks about me constantly and checks for texts off me as soon as he gets on his lunchbreak, but doesnt feel that core want to be with me long term.

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