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This seems a pointless exercise to me...

(124 Posts)
moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 13:02:43

As stated in the title, a man I have been seeing has told me he needs something from me that seems quite pointless...a week with no contact, to 'think'.

He ended things a few weeks ago, due to him not being in the right head space or something, and has gone through periods of telling me he needs to leave me alone, then saying he cant do that as something keeps drawing him back.

He came round for a talk last night. The gist of what he said is thay he cant work out whether he is madly in love with m or hates me...because I infuriate him so much beyond the point anyone ever has when we argue (I do push things quite far) but at the very same time he is so deeply drawn to me and I make him smile inside (a phrase i have never quite understood).
He doesnt feel like he wants to lose all contact, I make him happier than anyone ever has, we connect so deeply and he has felt pure joy when we have just messed around having a laugh...but doesnt feel like we have a future as he doesnt feel that core 'want' htobbe with me, date me etc.
But then he looked pained and asked why he doesnt feel that want to be with me, given that he feels all that other stuff for me.

We ended up in bed but he couldnt 'do' anything, saying it wasnt right if at this moment in time he cant envisage a future for us.

He then said that he wants/needs a week with no contact between us, so he can work out how he truly feels, whether the attraction is just physical or something more.

I have agreed, as I think the space will enable me to start to move on; as I really feel he cant gain the necessary feelings in 7 days and I dont see how he can work anything out in this time?

Can anyone shed any light on what he might be hoping to achieve? it just seems pointless to me.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sat 15-Jun-13 13:52:30

reclaim makes good reading.

What you have is a Mr Unavailable. Move on, as quickly and completely as you are able. This tortured soul will just mess with your head and drag you down with him.

Cold turkey, and sticking to no contact, is actually the only remedy. Well done for identifying that that is what you need to do.

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 14:09:57

Ok sorry if I miss something someone has asked.

He isnt a janitor.

I cant remember who said it but the bit about an ex saying they werent into them etc., I do see what you mean but I think the thing thats thrown me was just how he said if everything is so right with our personalities, physical attraction, how I make him feel and all that stuff, why he doesnt feel that core want to be in a relationship with me. He said before he has gone mostly on looks in the past and with me it feels different, but he cant put his finger on why he cant be with me.
It does all sound very strange but I dont think he is dangling a carrot as such, as he hasnt said there is anything 'wrong' with me and last night I talked about just ending it there and then, he said "ok...if you cant give me that week to work through things" so as I said I am giving it, with the intention of not contacting him (ever) unless he contacts me first and if he doesnt,well then i have moved on havent I :-)

Its weird though as he wont sleep with me; not that I would want that but I would wonder what he is getting out of this 'messing me around' if not sex? Ive met men that tell you they care or are confused just to get laid but that isnt what he is doing.

AgathaF Sat 15-Jun-13 14:16:40

Why would you want or need this amount of complicated bloke shite in your life?

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 14:20:59

Reading the baggage reclaim he doesnt sound like a mr unavailable as such, but it did get me thinking, last night when we talked he said he split up with someone about 18 months ago, an old friend came into his life 9 months after that and they started dating - but at that point he hadnt been actively looking for a relationship, he said he had filled in an online dating.profile a few times, got half way through but given up as he "just couldnt be bothered" and then when his previous partner started wanting more commitment than he felt he could give, she ended it.
Then he met me, again when he wasnt looking.

He says he still feels that he needs to be alone and "cant be bothered" with the effort of finding someone and getting to know them again - me and this man had been talking as friends for quite a while before we got together so it just went along without - well too much effort on his part I suppose.

So maybe thats the issue...needs to be single?

meditrina Sat 15-Jun-13 14:27:22

I suggest you stop trying to work out his thought processes, and instead concentrate on yours.

Why on earth would you want to be with someone who has basically said he's only with you because you're easily there and he can't be bothered to be a decent partner?

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 14:27:43

agatha, well I always believe in taking people at face value and giving ppl the benefit of the doubt, as long as Im not being too negatively affected by things.

Day to day I dont think about this issue, dont feel upset or anything like that and I know if I need him, he will be there. I had a bereavement a few weeks ago - an old friend from school was killed in an accident, hadnt seen her in years but about a week after the funeral I suddenly got upset. Phoned this man and he came and sat with me all night. He didnt expect or try anything on, just sat on the sofa, made me a cuppa, chatted and listened and stayed while I had a couple of hours sleep (clothed, on the sofa with him on the chair)...just so I wasnt alone.

He has been a big support so at the moment while he confuses me a bit at times, the positives of what I'm gaining from him being around (even just through text message) outweigh the negative feelings.

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 14:32:01

meditrina - we split up a few weeks ago, he has been here twice in that time in a friendly capacity. He has been very honest in saying he cant see a future for us but doesnt know why, as I said in my last message he is still there when I need him but he has never tried sleeping with me, lying to me or anything like that.
I asked why he felt he cant be with a musing rather than a desperate "whats wrong with meeeeee?" sort of way, lol, and he replied that he doesnt know, wishes he did.and to work it out one way or the other.

sorry posting on phone hence typos.

MissMarplesBloomers Sat 15-Jun-13 14:44:28

Relationships should NOT be this much hard work.

Get out now & do yourselves both a favour!

eimihi Sat 15-Jun-13 14:45:21

How could the attraction be just physical, as he suspects is possible but not proven, but yet he claims that being in your company has made him happier than he ever has been? For God's sake!

He sounds like an arrogant, mixed up disaster area.
And he refused sex? A sign of true eccentricity in a man, bordering on madness!

If he's so helpful let him just be a friend who can comfort you... someone you can discuss any problems with your real boyfriends in the future.

meditrina Sat 15-Jun-13 14:46:06

"he can't see a future for us"

Which part of that isn't clear?

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 14:48:09

meditrina - we split up a few weeks ago, he has been here twice in that time in a friendly capacity. He has been very honest in saying he cant see a future for us but doesnt know why, as I said in my last message he is still there when I need him but he has never tried sleeping with me, lying to me or anything like that.
I asked why he felt he cant be with a musing rather than a desperate "whats wrong with meeeeee?" sort of way, lol, and he replied that he doesnt know, wishes he did.and to work it out one way or the other.

sorry posting on phone hence typos.

amazingmumof6 Sat 15-Jun-13 14:50:36

erm, he sees no future and can't decide whether he loves you or hates you?!

and you want to be with him why?

my advice is LTB

TalkativeJim Sat 15-Jun-13 14:52:31

Silly arrogant drama queen who enjoys playing tortured soul games - you know, the kind of way a teenager tries to run their relationship because they think it makes them windswept and interesting.

He's an immature twat.


NeverBeenToMe Sat 15-Jun-13 14:54:23

Stop trying to figure it/him out. Tell him to take as many weeks as he likes - you will not be around at the end of it.

"Enough red flags to make bunting" gringringrin

FancyPuffin Sat 15-Jun-13 14:56:24

This sounds exactly like the Janny lover confused

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 15:04:25

Talkativejim, I do agree its all quite over dramatic. As I say though I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and I do wonder whether he is going to dramatically exclaim "I cant do this anymore" next weekend or just go silent on me. Bound to be one of the two but thats my reason for not ending things totally just yet.

Wanted to work out his :-)

Somethingtothinkabout Sat 15-Jun-13 15:16:28

So you think he's either going to ignore you forever, or say he doesn't want you anymore.

And you're agonising over this man, why? Just dispatch him into orbit and move on. What age is he? He sounds about 17!

Helltotheno Sat 15-Jun-13 15:27:28

So hes always gone for looks before OP eh? You obviously don't even see the not so hidden insult in that.

But also you're not taking the consensus to dump him on board either so. . Good luck I guess.

He is a mind game player! Mumsnet had made me so capable of recognising them, for which I am so so grateful.
This man will fuck with your head, maybe even because he genuinely does not know what he wants.
But that doesn't matter, what matters is your own sanity and peace of mind, which will not go well if you carry on engaging with this man!

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 15:33:34

No, how he actually worded it was that he has always gone for looks primarily an then tried to make the rest fit, thinking its love when its actually lust.

He was physically attracted to me at first and still is, but doesnt want to carry on seeing me 'just' in a physical way, he wants this week to work out why im in his head all the time; whether he misses me just in a physical way, or whether its more about missing seeing and talking to me...or indeed, if he misses me at all.

The strange thing is I've given him an 'out' so many times before and hes never taken them.

And im not agonising, I feel fine. Was just curious about what he thinks he might achieve in just 7 days is ll.

moolamoo Sat 15-Jun-13 15:35:36

maggie - and thats why I said I have no intention of contacting him now, unless he gets in touch first. Amd if he does, I wi need to really think about what he is saying and the best course of action to take.

Mintyy Sat 15-Jun-13 15:38:03

Am I totally missing the point?

You think a week apart would be useful so that you could start to go cold turkey?

Well why not go cold turkey from today and never see or speak to the arsehole again!

Where is your self respect? Tell him to FUCK RIGHT OFF!

CVSFootPowder Sat 15-Jun-13 15:38:06

He sounds like a janitor to me.
But giving the benefit of the doubt, OP, instead of tangling your head up thinking about what HE is doing and WHY HE is doing this, how about you change things?
Why not think about how all of this is making YOU this the sort of relationship you envisage for YOURSELF?
take the focus off him, and all of your emotional energy off him, because he sounds like an arsehole, and put it back onto you.

EllieArroway Sat 15-Jun-13 15:45:09

Sounds exactly like the Janitor to me too. Sorry.

EllieArroway Sat 15-Jun-13 15:46:33

Where is your self respect? Tell him to FUCK RIGHT OFF!

This. This. This.

That really is the very best advice anyone can give you.

Is there some reason why you don't think that you deserve better than this? Self-esteem issues?

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