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What do I do?

(31 Posts)
PinkPlum Sat 15-Jun-13 12:21:27

Hi everyone
Recently split with DH after a v difficult patch which resulted in him cheating. We have 2 DC's together and my little DD is really struggling. She constantly asks after him, tells me she is missing him and desperately wants him to be living with us. She sees him every week but it does not seem to make it any better for her. It is absolutely heartbreaking to see. What do I do? Should I try couples counselling with him before I totally break up our family? I know a lot of people will say it was him who broke up our family (which is true) but all I care about is my baby's happiness. DS is too young to be v affected but DD is fully aware. Do I put my feelings and what has happened behind us for her sake? Thanks for reading x

PinkPlum Sun 16-Jun-13 21:05:11

Thanks everyone smile

He will be receiving a solicitor's letter tomorrow. Short sharp shock is what he needs I think. Let him waste his money dragging me back to court.

I think I will only allow him to see the babies at a contact centre for two hours on sat. I will not allow him back into my home ever now. He has no respect and an absolute liberty trying to kick me out of my own property! If he doesn't like it he can take me to court...

You're right mummytime it may be confusing for DD to even have him here disrespecting me in my home. I do not believe she should witness this sort of behaviour anymore and I need to take action and make sure we are simply not around each other.

Thank you sarahseashell - I will check that book out on amazon now!

mummytime Sun 16-Jun-13 20:07:00

The contact in your home is also going to be extra confusing for your DD, as after all how many other people who aren't "friends" do you have pop into your house on a regular basis?

sarahseashell Sun 16-Jun-13 18:36:37

so sorry you are going through this sad wrt your dd you could try a book called 'its not your fault koko bear' (on amazon)
best of luck

AThingInYourLife Sun 16-Jun-13 18:34:49

That's the spirit smile

The problem with a man like this is that every good implulse you have will work against you when dealing with him - every attempt to be decent, fair, kind, responsible will work against you.

Anything he perceives as a weakness he will exploit.

That's why the only safe place for you is away from him.

Kernowgal Sun 16-Jun-13 18:30:17

Cor he thinks he's a right catch, doesn't he? Time to take the wind out of his sails with a decisive phone call to the courts tomorrow.

What a knobber. You're well rid there OP!

PinkPlum Sun 16-Jun-13 18:23:35

AThing you are SO right. He is trying to control me. And he had the audacity to call me a control freak today!!

PinkPlum Sun 16-Jun-13 18:21:50

Kernowgal, LEM and aThing - thank you smile you are spot on. He is both an arsehole and a cunt.

Yes will be going back to the courts for sure I think. I am worried he will be allowed to take children and have unsupervised contact. I really hope this doesn't happen.

To top it off, he told me he had been cheating for a long time and I didn't realise and that when he said he was sorry and wanted to reconcile he was saying anything just to get what he wanted! Lovely bloke eh?

AThingInYourLife Sun 16-Jun-13 18:19:06

Look, he's using your children to continue to control you.

Hence contact in your home, hence you having to be there, hence your Dad not being welcome.

Sort it out officially in such a way that you have no contact with him at all.

He is dangerous. You are at risk from him.

AThingInYourLife Sun 16-Jun-13 18:16:13

You go back to court and get rid of this offensive, dangerous contact order that forces you to spend 6 hours a week with a violent abuser.

Tough shit if he doesn't fancy a contact centre.

The best outcome will be if he gets on his high horse and refuses to go and then none of you have to see him again.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 16-Jun-13 18:13:38

I think you need to go back to the courts, tomorrow if you can, until you are happy that you are not going to be threatened then no way can you allow him into your home, i should imagine that will be never - contact centre it is.

Please dont entertain being guilt tripped into have this man back - he doesn't care about his children, he is usin them to hurt you

What a cunt

Kernowgal Sun 16-Jun-13 18:13:05

I think you are being extremely nice and accommodating to a man who is behaving like a complete twat. If this is how he behaves when he has them for six hours, I would suggest that it is time he "earned" the right to see his children, as it were, starting with the two hours at the contact centre on a Saturday and building up from there. I would also wager that your children will become reluctant to see him for six hours if this is how he behaves afterwards - they will associate his visits with arguments and nastiness.

Not having a go at all, by the way - you are a blooming marvel for putting up with his shit! But I think what he wants is not important here, no matter how much he shouts and throws his weight around. This is about him spending time with his kids; at the moment he's using them as another way to get at you.

I think the courts would take a very dim view of his behaviour. What an arsehole.

PinkPlum Sun 16-Jun-13 18:09:07

Thanks missmarples - all my family now hate him. And I really dislike his family too. When he was behaving badly today, I asked him to leave but then could see the children getting sad about him going and so I told him he could stay but I wanted my dad present. He rejected the idea calling my dad 'scum' (that hurt) and kicked off, eventually leaving. I really dislike this man

PinkPlum Sun 16-Jun-13 18:04:58

Yes I would love to do that. That would be my ideal situation. However, all the contact centres in this area and surrounding seem to operate from 2 to 4 pm on a Saturday. While this works for me, I don't think he will agree to it as he currently gets 10 to 4 pm. So frustrating.

My dad (who absolutely hates him) thinks I should let him take the kids out from 10am to 4pm so that I do not have to be around him. I really do not feel comfortable doing this though.

What do I do?

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 16-Jun-13 18:02:46

Yes agree get back to your solicitor PDQ & get anither court date in light oif his behaviour.

Pro tem could your parents or another family member come round to support you on access days so you don't have to speak to him.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 16-Jun-13 17:55:00

In the light of recent events, could you go back to court and ask for the order to be changed to 'contact centre' - you would take & collect and he would be supervised. Especially as he was the one who asked for contact to be at your house, but has shown by his behaviour that this is not appropriate.,,

PinkPlum Sun 16-Jun-13 17:45:20

Alice - yes it certainly does. I wish I never had to see him ever again. I do not know how this is possible though given that we have 2 DC's together sad

Solid - at the time he took me to court over the children I agreed for the contact to be that my house as I felt it would be more comfortable for the children to be in their own home. Now I do not ever want to allow him here again but feel bound by the order giving him 6 hours. I would not be comfortable with handing the children over to him and crossing my fingers he brings them back to me

PinkPlum Sun 16-Jun-13 17:36:43

Mummytime - thank you so much for the advice. Good idea about logging it with 101. I have just done that. He has a history of dv although on this occasion did not actually do anything like that, he was aggressive and v rude and nasty.

Yes the court order is a pain for me. Contact is to be supervised but I did not want to be the person to do the supervising ideally. He insisted that it is me on the basis that the children are so young and need their mother. I wish now I was not bound by the court order as I would prefer he see them at a contact centre for 2 hours at the weekend. He will no doubt reject this idea as the court order gives him 6 hours! Oh what a mess!

I don't think courts can insist that you let this man into your house. Contact can take place elsewhere, and you can arrange for a friend or relative to do the handovers so you don't have to deal with him at all.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 16-Jun-13 17:11:03

Sad that he had to behave that way in front of the children, but boy does it put paid to the wavering feelings, eh? hmm

mummytime Sun 16-Jun-13 17:05:38

I am shocked that he has court ordered contact at your house. He needs to only have contact with them outside the house, may be with some one else supervising?
I would make a 101 call to log his behaviour today.

I would also suggest you move on with legal process.

PinkPlum Sun 16-Jun-13 16:56:44

I feel so sad that the children had to witness such nasty childish behaviour sad but at least I am no longer in doubt as to whether I should keep trying for their sakes...

PinkPlum Sun 16-Jun-13 16:55:58

I feel so sad that the children had to witness such nasty childish behaviour sad

PinkPlum Sun 16-Jun-13 16:54:44

MumnGran you are so right. I've learnt that today.

It was his contact day. We have a court order giving him 6hours on a Sunday at my house with me supervising. It was a disaster to say the least!

He came was abusive right away. Starting trying to take our tv claiming that he paid for it. I explained that this is the tv that his children watch. He didn't care. after this foloowed by him being quite nasty and horrible, even trying to kick me out of my own home (!) I told him that I no longer wanted him there and called my father. He was extremely abusive to my father and told poor DC's that it was all mummy's fault because she is horrible to daddy.

What a nightmare...

MumnGran Sat 15-Jun-13 12:55:37

You are responsible ....for ensuring that your children grow up in a happy home.
Only you know if your marriage is 'over'! It would seem that it is.
Staying together for the sake of the children is often the worse thing you can do for them, if it is going to result in years of living with two adults who are no longer in love and argue, fight, or just don't communicate. An unhappy home is far far worse to grow up in, than a single parent home that is happy and content.

Of course your three year old is upset at the change in her life, and is missing the routine she is used to with her father. She is three!
Should this dictate your adult choice of the best future for you all? Really!?!

PinkPlum Sat 15-Jun-13 12:46:32

I know you are right. I just feel so responsible sad

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