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DP has declared he can't look past my weight the way he could when we got together

(184 Posts)
WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Fri 14-Jun-13 10:39:43

NCed for this as think a couple of the school mums might know I'm on here.

Dp's working away from home at the moment which does make me think perhaps he says things he doesn't mean at times, but he's been coming out with more and more things like this recently and it's getting harder to just dismiss it as him being tired. His latest 'fault' is that he didn't mind my weight too much when we first got together, but he does now. If anything I think I'm lighter now than I was a few years ago- I think. He thinks I'm lazy and not disciplined enough and I'm not making enough effort for him- he works away a lot and sometimes I think he expects to come home to perfection- perfectly tidy house, etc. I'm not sure what I'm asking really, just came to a head last night and I don't want to tell anyone in RL, my family think he's fab (which he normally is).

Bluecarrot Fri 14-Jun-13 12:44:35

* my friend panicked and started telling his wife in an unhelpful way that he was worries about her weight etc,

I sat open mouthed as he repeated what he had said then told him he would have got a kick in the undercarriage if I was his wife. I helped him phrase things better and they supported each other to lose a stone each.

waddlecakes Fri 14-Jun-13 12:57:58

Do you do any sport?

Not sure why everyone's up in arms about this. You're in a romantic relationship with someone. A big part of it is about physical attraction. Otherwise, why not just be good friends?

Doesn't sound like he's insulted you. It sounds like he's being honest.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 13:00:49

That's not honest at all. 'I can't look past your weight any more' means 'I used to think you were tolerable but now you're substandard'..... MASSIVELY insulting

yamsareyammy Fri 14-Jun-13 13:05:06

What sort of work is he doing when he is away? Is it where for instance he sees a lot of well groomed women?
Or is eating in restaurants or hotels where people are well groomed?

Is he working and being in situations where everything has to be just so.

SuperiorCat Fri 14-Jun-13 13:07:56

Another one who thinks this is him justifying cheating or contemplating it.

If that is the case, then nothing you do would ever be good enough.

Chubfuddler Fri 14-Jun-13 13:11:51

What everyone else said (except waddle cakes). He's either having an affair or contemplating one.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 14-Jun-13 13:13:07

If it was one remark, well, maybe he is tired, but a series of new faults is something else.

He has fallen out of love with you, I am afraid.

Maybe an affair, maybe a new mate, who knows.

The important thing is that he is not treating you with respect.

If he wants out, he should say so and give you the freedom to build a happy life.

If he wants to stay in, he needs to reflect on the real causes of his behaviour, i.e. not you but what has changed in him, address this causes and change. Noticeably so, where you are the judge of change, not him.

waddlecakes Fri 14-Jun-13 13:13:29

Or ''I can't look past your weight any more'' might mean ''You used to be a bit overweight but now even more so, and you've also just generally stopped bothering with your appearance and it's making me find it difficult to want you.'' (OP said he mentioned her being 'lazy').

What's wrong with that?

Or would you rather he said nothing and then went to find a OW he finds attractive?

Chubfuddler Fri 14-Jun-13 13:16:03

There's no evidence that the op actually is fatter, or lazier. In fact she actually said if anything she is slimmer now. So he's just picking faults. Which pretty much makes him an arsehole.

Helltotheno Fri 14-Jun-13 13:18:16

(OP said he mentioned her being 'lazy'

That doesn't mean she is lazy, it's just another casual insult to throw her way in preparation for the time he tells her he's having an affair.

You have low standards if you think a comment like this is what a respectful person would make to another. Would you find it ok for a friend to say to you 'Oh waddlecakes I just can't see past your weight any more and I don't want to be around you'?
Doubt it...
This is just about being a respectful human being. Why do you think people should put up with less from a partner?

nenevomito Fri 14-Jun-13 13:21:05

I don't automatically think 'affair'. I do think "twat" though.

So he's perfect is he? He's certainly not that perfect if he's being unkind to you. Maybe tell him your finding it difficult to get past the fact that he's turned into someone who is unpleasant and critical.

noddyholder Fri 14-Jun-13 13:21:34

Do you think he has met someone while away and is trying to provoke you into separating? If he treats you terribly and this is horrible it will take the onus off him to do anything He is wrong on so many levels. I would call his bluff tbh Say you can't look past how he treats you and maybe you need a break.

overture Fri 14-Jun-13 13:28:32

Hi Rain,

I would be angry, sorry but men like that are so irritating. And it usually men who think having a shower is making effort at their own appearance and no doubt have wobbly beer bellies. Sorry last bit was abit uncalled for......

He married Rain when she was heavier than now, and now he takes issue with it?? Rain mentioned he comes home and wants house and life perfect.
I'm worried that something is amiss. What's changed that he's noticing so many faults aside from Rains weight, house, etc??

Really sorry Rain

Waddle I disagree, My DH has a largish nose, but I'm not going to tell him tomorrow, Hmmm I think I take offense to your nose now?!?
I love him for more than his looks, yes looks are important, but ffs in 30 years it isn't going to matter then, it will take more than looks then.....

Definitely something amiss.....

Lizzabadger Fri 14-Jun-13 13:55:38

Sorry - I think affair too.

Januarymadness Fri 14-Jun-13 14:01:47

"Darling, I have noticed you have put on quite a bit of weight recently and I am worried for your health. Is there any way I can help or support you in a healthier lifestyle" = fine

"I know you are thinner than you used to be but its still not good enough, nothing you do is good enough, you are not good enough" = arsehole

If you add on to that that it is a sudden change in behaviour which just happens to coinside with him being away from home loads = self justification for having an affair.

tightfortime Fri 14-Jun-13 15:37:37

^^ what January just said.

I'd be furious

Sorry - I agree with the affair thing too.
Been there got the t-shirt and it's all too familiar!

Is he a really fit bloke that weighs exactly what he should?

Get angry and don't let him to speak to you like that anymore!
Do some digging to find out about another woman.

WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Fri 14-Jun-13 16:16:31

Sorry for disappearing. He could easily be having an affair to be honest, he's away quite often for a few months at a time so there does have to be a certain amount of trust involved. I don't think he would but then he is behaving out of character, I'd been trying to ignore that possibility really.

He stays in hotels sometimes, other times he might be in a rented place for a few months, it depends how long he's there for really. I tried to ask him what his problem was last night and that was how we got onto weight.

I haven't had biological children, so it's not a case of he was attracted to me before kids. We're not married. I've never actively tried to lose weight, but looking at pictures I am slimmer now than when we got together. I'm a UK size 8/10 but I'm quite short (5''2ish). Can't pluck up the courage to weigh myself. No idea what my BMI is and I accept I could be slimmer but I'm definitely not in danger of having a heart attack. I go to the gym, I swim and I do dance classes. I don't think I put any less effort into my appearance than I did three years ago, but DP clearly does. This is very out of character for him in all fairness, up until a couple of weeks ago we'd never really had any full on disagreements/rows.

Jengnr Fri 14-Jun-13 16:20:41

If you're an 8/10 he can get fucked. He's a weasel. Your weight, my hole.

You're an 8/10!

What an arsehole.

MrsMcEnroe Fri 14-Jun-13 16:24:27

Jesus Christ.

You're 5'2" tall and a uK size 8-10???

On which planet, exactly, is that overweight????

You are not overweight OP. Your OH is a dishonest arsehole. Whether or not he's having an affair remains to be seen, but to calls someone who wears a UK size 8-10 "overweight" clearly has totally unrealistic expectations of what a healthy woman should look like.

ITCouldBeWorse Fri 14-Jun-13 16:25:05

Ah. Not good at all IMO.
Don't have unprotected sex with him.
Gather copies of all your financial dealings.
Seek evidence of infidelity.

Tackle him in case he is just being a complete wanker.

Decide whether you feel he warrants the effort of continuing. You sound to me as if he should be making much more effort for you.

WTF - you're an 8/10 and he has an issue with your weight!!?!?

Lying bastard - he's up to something.

AnyFucker Fri 14-Jun-13 16:32:50

Typical "distancing" and "demonising" behaviour from someone in the throws of, or seriously contemplating, infidelity

AtWhatPointIsItWrong Fri 14-Jun-13 16:36:09

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! i'm 5'2" and size 10/12 and I don't feel fat! confused I know I am healthy slim, but possible not slebslim, magazine slim? tell him to fuck off and good luck with clara devigne.

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