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DP has declared he can't look past my weight the way he could when we got together

(184 Posts)
WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Fri 14-Jun-13 10:39:43

NCed for this as think a couple of the school mums might know I'm on here.

Dp's working away from home at the moment which does make me think perhaps he says things he doesn't mean at times, but he's been coming out with more and more things like this recently and it's getting harder to just dismiss it as him being tired. His latest 'fault' is that he didn't mind my weight too much when we first got together, but he does now. If anything I think I'm lighter now than I was a few years ago- I think. He thinks I'm lazy and not disciplined enough and I'm not making enough effort for him- he works away a lot and sometimes I think he expects to come home to perfection- perfectly tidy house, etc. I'm not sure what I'm asking really, just came to a head last night and I don't want to tell anyone in RL, my family think he's fab (which he normally is).

LittleFrieda Fri 14-Jun-13 10:42:19

Is it possible he could be having an affair. His fault-finding would be fairly typical behaviour of someone who is no longer emotionally fully invested in the relationship.

LittleFrieda Fri 14-Jun-13 10:43:03

Btw I'm v sorry he's so unappreciative of you.

Januarymadness Fri 14-Jun-13 10:48:42

Sorry. The first thing that came to my mind is affair. It sounds like he is trying to excuse himself in his own mind for his actions. i.e. she is not perfect so I am entitles to play away.

It really isn't about you. If you were suze zero he would find something else.

Flobbadobs Fri 14-Jun-13 10:53:37

I get get rather angry when OH's go on about their partners weight, is he the perfect specimen of manhood then?
Tbh it sounds like the weight issue is an excuse to have a go at you, you say he works away alot. Presumably he stays in hotels and has everything done for him, meal on the table, beds made and everything tidied up for him. it sounds like he has become used to having a 'staff' of people ready and waiting to clean up after him. Coming home to the normality of life and having to do things himself is probably a bit of a shock (and thats not excusing him, just a possible explanation).
Can you ask him straight out what the problem is? Will he see that he's making you feel bad and talk to you properly?

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 14-Jun-13 10:56:01

Sorry he is probably looking for justification for his cheating behaviour.

I would do some digging around before you start blaming yourself and try to be the perfect wife.

Helltotheno Fri 14-Jun-13 11:00:46

Too right don't start trying to be the perfect wife, he's a rude twat. Ask yourself, would he say that to other people in his life, a female friend, his mum, his sister? No he wouldn't so he has a bloody cheek saying it to you.
Affair ime, or at least on the brink of one.

Get your angry on, that's my advice.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 14-Jun-13 11:06:16

Sorry - but I think 'affair & justification' too sad

Abusers can be plausible to those in the outside world, your family liking him means nothing really because they do not have to live with him day to day. Also such criticism can wear a person down and they can come to believe it.

It would not surprise me at all if he was found by you to be having an affair.

Presumably if you commented like he does you would be shot down in flames verbally.

His comments are an excuse to have another go at you, he's already criticised your supposed laziness and lack of discipline. All that strikes me as he actually being a nasty piece of work. So I have to ask the question why are you together at all now?.

gamerchick Fri 14-Jun-13 11:20:37

I do admit that my first though was that somebody had turned his head but not that he's having a full blown affair perhaps.

I would be crushed if my man said stuff like that to me.

Maybe a come to Jesus conversation should be had in the near future.

Be very vigilant of an affair, sounds like cognitive dissonance to me also.

I'm not sure I understand " it's getting harder to just dismiss it as him being tired". I mean, yes, when you're tired you're more likely to be a bit cranky or argumentative, but to say nasty or hurtful things is something different. I think perhaps rather than dismissing what he says you should be a bit more angry and offended about it. Why on earth would he say such things?

NatashaBee Fri 14-Jun-13 11:29:47

I also thought affair - sorry.

wordfactory Fri 14-Jun-13 11:30:37

So you haven't changed? Just his feelings towards you?

Affair!

99WitsEndAvenue Fri 14-Jun-13 11:36:57

So after children, and being older you're thinner than you were when you got together but now you're too big?? confused

That makes no sense, and two even if it's how he has begun to feel it's incredibly cruel to say that to you. I think cognitive dissonance too. He feels justified to think about cheating/to cheat because you clearly (in his thinking) don't want him to stay faithful to you, or you'd have lost a stone or two.

scaevola Fri 14-Jun-13 11:43:43

I agree, the possibility of his being embroiled in an affair, or starting to contemplate one does seem realistic.

From your thread title, I thought a hearty rejoinder of 'well, I can't look past you saying stupid hurtful things like I used to' might be in order. But it seems the criticisms are coming on more than one issue, and although I think partners need to be able to say bad things as well as good to each other, it is vital that kindness and consideration remain; and he seems to have crossed beyond that.

Have you considered telling him that his working away from home isn't proving acceptable to you? Even if it means a career hit or change of job, you'd rather take those and have him properly at home and the two if you working as a team? Some couples can sustain working separations, there's can't. It's not a judgement, it simply a description of how things are for you. That's on an assumption that things were OK before the absences started. If he won't take your point of view seriously, then I'd take it as a bad indicator.

Branleuse Fri 14-Jun-13 11:44:38

a come to jesus conversation

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 11:46:36

What an utter knob!!!!! shock He actually said that to you? Out loud? And you seriously didn't kick him squarely in the nuts? If he's away, quite honestly I'd tell him to not bother coming home. What a shit.

rainbowfeet Fri 14-Jun-13 11:53:04

What a cruel thing for him to say to you & the least likely thing to inspire you to continue losing weight!! hmm

Or if its not an affair could be jealousy of your weight loss and trying to bring you down a peg or two, have you started a new job or got new friends or anything that would make him jealous?

Loulybelle Fri 14-Jun-13 11:55:28

Theres weight you need to lose, its called Dead weight, i.e "D" P,

Definitely, an affair or someone has caught his eye.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 11:57:58

" He thinks I'm lazy and not disciplined enough and I'm not making enough effort for him"

FFS.... when you think that a partner is meant to be the one that loves, cherishes, respects and cares for you WARTS AND ALL... who the hell does this arse think he is? That's the kind of withering critique an employer says to one of their less talented staff at an appraisal.

Aren't you furious angry ?!!?!

Not making enough effort for him! angry

What a massive wanker, I'm sorry to have to say I agree with the others about the possibility of an affair.

Sorry.

Theas18 Fri 14-Jun-13 12:41:27

And you are with him still because?

"not making enough effort for him" WTF!

Bluecarrot Fri 14-Jun-13 12:42:48

I'm so sorry. I read the title and my first reaction was not affair, but what, if anything, is he lovingly doing to support you if it would be beneficial to your health to lose weight

My friends friends wife had a heart attack. My friend

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