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Sister thinks bf is rude & arrogant to me

(50 Posts)
rainbowslollipops Fri 14-Jun-13 07:15:30

I went to see her yesterday with bf and we were talking & I corrected him over something that is a habit that I have. He wanted to make it aware that he was right and I was wrong so (what sounded to me like a joke) repeatedly told me to "shut up". Now, I could tell by the look on my sisters face that she didn't approve with him butting in on me saying something and telling me to shut up but I moved to another subject. She thinks he's rude because he said hello to my dad & her partner but didn't say anything else to them or engage in conversation with them afterwards. In fairness he could have done and did have chances to but I put it down to him just not wanting to. I know my sister doesn't approve of him because he is quite competitive and very much "if it's not perfect in my eyes it's not perfect at all". Little things bother him. For example if there's no bacon that he likes in the shop, he'll continually say how upset and pissed off he is. That to me isn't something to be pissed about. My sister said she thinks he's arrogant, stuck up & in his own bubble where he's right and everyone else is wrong. She said he makes excuses, won't accept where he's wrong and that if I answer back with my opinion and he sticks to his opinion he'll turn it into an argument. I hadn't noticed this but I nad noticed that Yesterday he seemed a bit grumpy. I can see what she means. He's not horrible to me but I can see how she means. I do feel silly when he tells me to shut up and when I tell him not to talk to me like that he laughs and says hes joking and he's sorry. He also won't take anything I say seriously. He laughs about everything that's serious to me and it makes me feel like I'm thick. Urgh I don't want to go through a break up tbh. We've been together 2yrs, he gets on with dd and I would just like to be settled with that. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 10:43:05

Do you mean where do you start dumping him? Or are you still thinking he could change behaviour?

rainbowslollipops Fri 14-Jun-13 10:45:30

I honestly don't know. Can someone like him ever change? Or is it going to be a case of he changes for a while?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 10:46:20

"We need to talk" usually puts the fear of god into them.... Follow up with "I've been thinking about us and don't see any future in it. It's over." No need to explain or complain.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 10:48:09

"Can someone like him ever change? Or is it going to be a case of he changes for a while?"

Miracles can happen... but, in the case of bullying types who are self-important, arrogant and entitled, you're talking about their core personality, not just a few behavioural ticks. Core personality is pretty fixed.

K8Middleton Fri 14-Jun-13 10:56:24

They don't change. You cannot change someone else and would be better off putting your energies into finding someone else.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 14-Jun-13 12:09:48

They don't change.

He could change. But only with intensive therapy and ALONE.

This means out of any relationship.

You can't fix him and you won't help him by sticking with it.

You owe your child and yourself better than this.

Listen to your sister and your friend. They've loved you healthily, normally and longer than he has!

OxfordBags Fri 14-Jun-13 13:22:38

He won't change. Because if he wanted to not treat you like this, he wouldn't be treating you like it already, do you see? He sounds very self-obsessed and verbally and emotionally abusive. And your DD will see you being treated like this and learn that that's how women should be treated like men. Do you want that for her future?

Crinkle77 Fri 14-Jun-13 14:23:08

I agree with your sister I'm afraid. To not engage in any sort of conversation to your family is incredibly rude.

spondulix Fri 14-Jun-13 14:23:29

He sounds dreadful: disrespectful and rude, your sister is right. I would not tolerate this behaviour from anyone, let alone a boyfriend.

Vegehamwidge Fri 14-Jun-13 14:37:38

Your sister is right.
And I can't get over the fact that he tells you to shut up as a "joke" and laughs at things you find serious, but gets all upset and pissed off over...bacon.

I think the 'we need to talk' is a good place to start.
cogito is right as always.
Don't engage too much. No explanations, just that you don't want to be with him anymore and it's over. Done!
Good luck and well done for recognising that it's wrong.
And..... No they very rarely change. It's not up to you to fix him. He's an adult and he has chosen to be this person.

Triumphoveradversity Fri 14-Jun-13 15:53:04

It's very hard to see when your in the relationship, your dsis and friend obviously care about you. My ex was abusive and made me feel bad about myself and made me grateful if he was even a bit nice to me. I always think of these times as me scrabbling under the table desperate for a crumb of affection.

He did become physically abusive, I actually think the number he did on my head was as bad as the punches.

How does he describe his ex girlfriends if he has any?

Justfornowitwilldo Fri 14-Jun-13 16:02:34

Don't feel bad. If he'd been like this from day one you wouldn't have gotten involved. He's gotten worse by increments, day on day, week on week. It makes it hard to see from inside the relationship. On the plus side, you have a sister and friend who care enough about you to risk telling you the truth.

DTisMYdoctor Fri 14-Jun-13 18:49:50

I really hope that this thread helps you realise you deserve so much better OP. A friend of a friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship that has got steadily worse over the years - she's about to marry him sad. My friend is at her wits end, she doesn't know how to make her friend see sense.

You deserve better. And your DD deserves better.

rainbowslollipops Fri 14-Jun-13 19:49:03

He is best friends with his ex but got a bit jealous when she got a boyfriend and didn't tell him hmm The only bad thing he said about her was that she was very basic in the bedroom and was very up & down with her mood. He said the only way they could stay friends was by sleeping together after breaking up. That's not me and personally I think that's a stupid thing to do.

anonacfr Fri 14-Jun-13 20:05:30

Excuse me???? That is wrong on so many levels. The only bad thing- he dismissed her as shit in bed and moody but that's the only bad thing?
And the only way he could stay friends with her was by sleeping with her?
That's not a friend, that's an easy shag when he feels like it.

He sounds vile.

MumnGran Fri 14-Jun-13 20:12:19

Family (of the non-toxic kind) like nothing more than to see the people they care about being happy, settled & loved.
As a rule, they don't start saying that a man isn't good for you unless they are seeing the bigger picture ... while we are ignoring small signs because we want the relationship to work.
To be honest, the things you are highlight could be identified as the early warnings of emotionally abusive patterns.

Your sister loves you. Listen to her
Your own small inner voice is spotting things he does that aren't quite right. Listen to it

Just because you have invested some time in this relationship doesn't mean you should stay with it when you KNOW he is acting oddly.
You have a DD to protect.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Jun-13 05:20:10

"He said the only way they could stay friends was by sleeping together after breaking up"

Wow... How up himself is he? She was allegedly so emotionally insecure she had to keep coming back for a piece of His Lordship just to remain friends ... and he graciously obliged? hmm When then was he the one pissed off when he got replaced? Bet if you spoke to her she'd have a completely different version of this fairy story......

Dozer Sat 15-Jun-13 09:39:35

What a tosser, run for the hills OP. Your sister and friends have your interests at heart, and if you ask others they will probably say similar things.

In telling you about his ex's "flaws" he was basically warning you: "do what I want in the bedroom and don't have emotional needs".

You and even more importantly your DD definitely do not need someone like this around. At all. Don't waste time and energy trying to change him.

kalidanger Sat 15-Jun-13 10:07:35

I think what he told you about his ex was bullshit, but designed to keep you on your toes. I.e. "Don't be annoyed or upset with me and work hard in bed" And also stating "you won't make the decision to get rid of me"

Ugh. Good luck OP

Thank God for your sister and best friend.
He won't change. Finish it now. It's better, easier, before he moves in. You're not alone, you have a lovely daughter and brilliant friends and family. I hate that story about his ex. IMHO men who claim women are 'bad in bed' are the ones with the problem. No-one is 'bad' at sex unless they have a thoughtless, selfish, mismatched partner.

Your sister is right, he is rude and all the red flags are flying high in the air!!
Get rid, you could do much better, he sounds hardwork, controlling, rude and quite simply a pita.

MaMaPo Sat 15-Jun-13 10:29:52

OP, I think you're wonderfully lucky to have a supportive and honest friend and sister. Keep talking to them - they'll be around for you when this dick has gone. Best of luck with this.

BOF Sat 15-Jun-13 11:50:49

The being rude to your family is a classic: you eventually feel too awkward to socialise at family occasions or participate fully, even on your own because you worry they are going to ask questions about him. So you end up seeing much less of them and fall further under his control.

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