Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does anyone have a partner who is utterly tight with money?

(35 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Thu 13-Jun-13 17:59:32

As in, spending money on you or you both as a couple. ie birthday, anniversary, just for the hell of it, night out etc.. Do they spend little - or nothing at all. If so..is it just the 'way he/she is'? (ie not just down to being skint, as is in my DP's case).As in, If they had the money, they'd be the same. We rarely go out as I can't afford to pay for two. We've been together four years and only once has he bought me flowers, and that was only because I cleaned his house from top to bottom (and i mean really deep clean) before I lived with him. It's not like i expect him to pay his way if we were to go out. I've never been like that with any man. I would always go 50/50. But he can't afford his share (and when he does, doesn't want to) and i can't pay for two.
If your partner is like this, why are they? Do you just accept it? Am i being old fashioned? I actually don't expect flowers etc but just to be treated now and then would be nice, I mean he wouldn't even extend to a coffee if we were out, he thinks its a waste of money. Just to go out fairly regularly and be able to share the costs would be great...but if we go out (which is rare) i do end up paying for all or most otherwise we never would. And i end up feeling resentful (even if we had a great day out ) as i can rarely afford it (i really wouldn't care, if i could afford...i really do not believe the man should pay for everything)
And is your partner generous in other ways , if they are tight with the cash? Mine is but i still feel hard done by at times. Then again I have friends that have shite partners that lavish expensive gifts, hols etc and treat them like dirt..yes i envy the few that have the lovely and generous partners!
Please don't think i'm shallow /mercenary in any way. It would be just nice to go out more often and split the costs. We don't even have kids together (he has child who lives with his ex..i have none) so we do have the freedom to go out..no worrying about finding babysitter etc. As i can't have kids, i wish i could enjoy that freedom... maybe i'm unreasonable and i'm with the wrong person :-(
I don't want a rich man! I just want some normality with the one i've got! (ie going out, doing stuff...)
Maybe we're just incompatible..he's 15 yrs older and a 'homebody' I still like going out and get cabin fever, doesn't help we're in a tiny flat...
Sorry this has turned out long

DH is like this when it comes to spending money on himself. He puts it down to having been skint as a student. He earns more than enough to buy whatever he wants but agonises whenever he has to.
When it comes to DC and I though, he is generous to a fault, he is delighted to see our latest purchases and encourages us to treat ourselves.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 14:32:57

So he's basically workshy. Skint is one thing, tight is another. Doesn't care about debt. Rations the loo paper. Working for other people is beneath him. That bone idle and CBA mentality is deeply unattractive.

I'm sure you could afford to move out if you put your mid to it. Even if it's just renting a room in a shared house it'd be better than putting up with old Scrooge

Ragwort Fri 14-Jun-13 14:53:10

You can still go out and not spend any money, we spent a whole year doing that when we were travelling and on a very strict budget - we would look for things like free concerts, museums, art galleries, just take a flask of coffee and a sandwich, that sort of thing. It can be done and it is better than just sitting inside all the time. Going for a nice walk together to feed the ducks can be fun grin.

Why doesn't he even do voluntary work, that would get him out of the house and lots of organisations at least pay expenses?

alltoomuchrightnow Fri 14-Jun-13 15:02:30

he used to do voluntary work...and went to college. he needs a massive kick up the arse. He likes doing the free museums and art galleries etc but refuses to pay the £8.50 travelcard to London (for fuck's sakes, we are lucky enough to have it that cheap! we live in a London borough!) I can't afford to pay for two..i have been out of work for 4 months. I've really had enough. He doesn't like walking because his back hurts but surprisingly it's ok when he goes to gigs (he gets in free to a lot of gigs you see) I know my answers..this has just decided it for me. I've had 4 yrs of this...he's kind in other ways but he is workshy and he is irresponsible and most of all he's boring and arrogant (eg working for others). I need someone young at heart..whatever age they are...who wants to live a life and not merely exist

Lavenderhoney Fri 14-Jun-13 18:57:28

Have you looked on gumtree for house/ flat shares?

Think of it as a short term fix for a long term problem. You can apply for jobs anywhere really, your home town perhaps and stay with friends / family?

You don't have dc or marriage ties, so it should be quite easy to leave in a practical sense.

It doesn't sound like its going to change after 4 years, so unless you both have a plan to sort yourselves out and a timeframe then its not really worth hanging on, if you want something else out of life.

fluffiphlox Fri 14-Jun-13 19:19:47

I rarely post on relationships but he sounds like a work shy skinflint loser. Frankly if he can't get a job in London he's not really trying.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Jun-13 06:11:08

" He doesn't like walking because his back hurts but surprisingly it's ok when he goes to gigs"

Please tell me he doesn't claim DLA or I'll have to get all Daily Mail on your ass.....

frogwatcher42 Sat 15-Jun-13 14:56:41

Time to move on I think. The not getting a job would do it for me. I would always expect an adult to get work, and if there isn't work available, then go and do voluntary work each day unless they have caring responsibilities and need to be at home. It doesn't sound as if he falls into this category so should be working or volunteering at least. It would make him a more interesting partner.

He sounds a loser. Lose him.

Bedtime1 Sat 15-Jun-13 15:30:54

He sounds like a real catch! Seriously you can move out. There's always a way.

PilgrimSoul Sun 16-Jun-13 07:56:23

I think I could put up with a penurious man if he was working to improve his situation, in college, starting his own business, desperately looking for jobs etc, but this man isn't trying at all, and nor will he.
There is no end in sight. This is the deal. Accept it or move on.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now