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Ever said 'I don't love you anymore'?

(40 Posts)
TheBreastmilksOnMe Thu 13-Jun-13 16:51:55

<Big sigh> That's it really. We've been together 8yrs got two children (one on the way) he's a very good dad, very good partner, everyone who meets him says what a kind, caring person he seems (I agree) but more and more I'm realising that the spark just isn't there for me anymore and I feel bad about it.

Bad for the future, bad for him as he deserves someone who will love him properly and bad for our children. I have conversations in my head with him about what I feel I'm going to have to say at some point and on one hand I feel a bit liberated and on the other I'm terrified of everything that comes after I've said 'I don't love you anymore'.

Would welcome any thoughts on the matter.

TheBreastmilksOnMe Sun 23-Jun-13 16:28:59

Hi again I've been absent for a while as work has been busy but just reading through the replies I just want to rule out depression and breastfeeding as neither are a reason. I'm not at all depressed or even down and I stopped breastfeeding about 4 months ago so I know it's not that. As someone else see mentioned I just feel asexual maybe it is just to do with the physical and emotional demands of having 2 young children.

Wellwobbly- I'm not blaming anyone, least of all my partner.

I'm not ending our relationship anytime soon but will try and work at it and see how things pan out as the children grow up. I have immense respect and 'love' for him (although it feels more like sibling love) and I wouldn't want to hurt him unnecessarily.

Wellwobbly Sat 15-Jun-13 15:04:49

sorry, posted too soon:

there are many many factors to be considered: post natal depression, perhaps your hormones are in a tangle, old issues stirred up by birth, hidden resentments, longings not articulated.

So do the right thing and carefully look at all these things before you blow up your world.

Reality is how things are in the moment, but those things can change. So make sure you have examined all the contributors to help you be clearer moving forward.

Good luck OP I am picking up some depression here.

Wellwobbly Sat 15-Jun-13 15:01:48

Please, before you open your mouth, LOOK IN THE MIRROR and book some counselling sessions.

Examine yourself and your issues very carefully before you blow up someone's world with such cruelty.

Please. Surely it is worth spending some time carefully examining yourself and how YOU tick, before you go for the initially easy point and blame solution.

TeaCuresEverything Fri 14-Jun-13 21:49:41

breastmilk are you me? I could have written your post.

the part about feeling like your love for your child has eclipsed your love for dh and you don't know how to fix it?

you don't want sex or to be touched?

I feel exactly the same. my ds is 2.8yo and he's everything but I don't recognize myself anymore. I've turned into a highly strung stress head and nag. I still love dh but not in the way I should do. its hard. I feel for you .

ChasedByBees Fri 14-Jun-13 12:58:40

Hi OP - just wondering about your username as I don't know how old your children are. Have you been breasfeeding since your first child was born or was there a break? I am still feeding a 17mo and since she was born have felt pretty much asexual - I have pretty much no sex drive at all. With having my DC so time consuming during the day, by the time the evening comes, I'm exhausted and I don't want to speak or be touched. For me, partly it's tiredness bone numbing exhaustion but I think it might be hormonal from feeding too.

I was wondering if there could be some hormonal reason you feel this way. This in particular made me wonder if it could be this:

I have no desire for another man. I don't want sex anymore, I don't want contact. I don't understand myself to be honest.

I think it's really worth thinking about before you end your marriage.

issynoho Fri 14-Jun-13 12:43:32

Breastmilk Sorry for slow reply - was exhausted last night. DCs are 7, 5 and 2. And 43, because the 'not taking responsibility' thing means it feels like I have 4 DC sometimes. And not surprisingly, he doesn't feel like an equal to me, we're not a team pulling in the same direction, hence the lack of attraction and love. But if we can sort that out, who knows what might return?

Honestly, if there were no DCs, I'd be gone. But there are, so I have to give this my all. But I am conscious I don't want their example of a healthy relationship to be what DP and I are modelling for them at the moment.

Can you identify what your wants and needs are from a relationship? How and why is your DP not meeting them? Exactly what is the spark that is missing?

Maleeka Thu 13-Jun-13 22:21:03

Think long and hard before you make any decision but i was in the same boat as you nearly a couple of years ago and am finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

My ex is a wonderful caring guy who only wanted to love me and our kids forever but i went and spoilt it all by falling out of love with him. It took 3 long years of faking how i felt because i didnt want to hurt him or break up our family, but i finally had to say those horrible words to him.

I truly regret the hurt i caused and the fall out for my family but i dont regret my decision and we are all much happier with new partners. The trick is to make sure the kids are your priority and feel able to talk about anything thats on their minds.

notanyanymore Thu 13-Jun-13 21:37:08

I went through similar when pregnant with dc2 and it was worse in the months following the birth too. Long story short, we split up. Over the next year I got myself back. And then we got back together and it was great (splitting up with children involved is a whole other ball game). However, since having another child I'm starting to feel I'm on the same slippery slope. I'm hoping now that for me, its just the pressures/distractions of having small children, it can really put a bit of a barrier between you IME. I'm trying not to let it get any where near as bad as it did before and hoping it will pass!!

AnyFucker Thu 13-Jun-13 21:33:03

smile

Heartbrokenmum73 Thu 13-Jun-13 21:24:48

It was the Tom Hiddleston that tipped it, wasn't it? Be honest, I obviously have great taste in men.

<Preens at compliment>

AnyFucker Thu 13-Jun-13 21:22:11

Ah, I think I remember now

I agree it is immaterial whether there is OW at this point

You sound lovely, btw

Heartbrokenmum73 Thu 13-Jun-13 21:09:51

I have had a couple of threads, mostly tearing my hair out about another woman. Could be there is, could be there isn't. Don't really care anymore. Trying to be blase about it all now (on the outside at least) and telling myself that me and the dc (and cats!) will go and live by the seaside, in a nicer house, with more space and better schools.

I know it's not going to be that wonderful and that I'm going to hurt and be up and down, but looking forward is infinitely better at this point. And I'm either going to work or study - not sure yet, but I'll actually have help with childcare (via my Mum) so that makes things easier. And learn to drive - finally.

And marry Tom Hiddleston.

World domination.

AnyFucker Thu 13-Jun-13 20:59:29

You are doing the right thing. Have you had a thread, btw, I don't recognise your situation.

he has left you no choice, of course. I am sorry you are hurting.

Heartbrokenmum73 Thu 13-Jun-13 20:55:35

Af, ha, I'm already doing this. I've been through denial, grief, anger, etc. It's actually been like losing someone. Now I'm getting strong (panic attacks aside) and me and dc are (hopefully) moving down South over the school hols to be near my family. He's not coming with.

He may then realise what he's lost. I may decide I don't want him. I've already decided that if he does change his mind he'll have to go a long way towards proving he means it and won't EVER decide to just chuck me again.

Still hurts though.

AnyFucker Thu 13-Jun-13 20:53:27

That is a sweet thing to say, HBM. It gives me no pleasure at all to be so harsh, but I do think you need to consider forcing the issue and make some decisions for yourself

AnyFucker Thu 13-Jun-13 20:51:25

I don't think so, HBM, sorry

I think he is being very cruel to you. Don't subjugate yourself to him, please don't

Tell him to go and work on himself but you might not welcome him back when he decides he does want his family after all

Don't change yourself into a Stepford wife thinking it will make him stay, he will despise you

make him leave and work it out. These vacillators are motivated by loss ...and he needs to feel how it is without the soft landing of you and the kids

OP, there is a message here for you too. Be very sure of what you are proposing.

Heartbrokenmum73 Thu 13-Jun-13 20:47:51

Not wanting to 'suck up' blush or anything, AF, but I always keep an eye out for your advice because it's so bloody solid and reasonable. Yours is one of the names where I think 'this will be worth reading'.

Heartbrokenmum73 Thu 13-Jun-13 20:46:21

AF - do you really believe there is any coming back from that? (Sorry to hijack OP). As far as my STBEx is concerned he doesn't feel the same and that's that. I'm devastated. We have three dc, all in primary school, the youngest almost 5. I've asked him what needs to change and why he doesn't want to work on things and we just go round in circles of tears and upset.

I personally feel that there's still life in our relationship, but he's depressed beyond belief through long working hours and stupid male pride (being the bread winner and all that shite) and honestly can't see any light.

I don't know what's harder - thinking that he truly doesn't love me (although he can't pinpoint reasons for this) or kidding myself that we may have a chance.

AnyFucker Thu 13-Jun-13 20:34:30

What can anyone really reply to "I don't love you any more" ?

If my husband said that to me, I would tell him to go then immediately. I wouldn't dream of doing it myself if I was equivocal, undecided or wanted things to change in some way.

I also wouldn't do it in the midst of young dc and pregnancy unless there was abuse. There is still so much potential for things to get better.

Estherbelle Thu 13-Jun-13 20:27:30

My ex frequently used "I don't love you any more" as a weapon against me when we were in the heat of an argument (9 times out of 10 instigated by him). He would always backtrack and say he didn't mean it really. It got to the point where his words were meaningless to me. One thing I was sure of though was that if I ever uttered those words it would be because I truly meant them.

Four years down the line I was struggling with a horrendous pregnancy and he was being as inconsistent, flighty and mentally abusive as ever. Something just clicked inside me and out the words came: I DON'T LOVE YOU ANY MORE. WE'RE OVER.

It was such a release and I've never looked back. Of course he tried to milk the sympathy vote from people, what I bitch I was, callously telling him I didn't love him (conveniently forgetting all the times he had said it).

Looking back, two years into a wonderful relationship with someone who's right for me on every level, I realise that what I had with my ex was an antagonistic "brother sister" relationship - I'm an only child, so never recgonised that for myself at the time.

Obviously your partner is not emotionally abusive like mine was, so your situation is different from mine, but the point I'm trying to convey is: only say "I don't love you any more" if you are truly sure that is is the end and that you won't be swayed.

Ilikethebreeze Thu 13-Jun-13 20:14:45

You strike me, again rightly or wrongly, as quite an emotional person.

Personally I wouldnt over worry about the lack of spark currently.
btw, I would like to ask, does it bother you specifically, the lack of feeling a spark?

Ilikethebreeze Thu 13-Jun-13 20:12:05

So you are partly saying that you had loads of love for your husband, but now you have less. Because if that is the case, that is a whole lot different from "I dont love you anymore".

TheBreastmilksOnMe Thu 13-Jun-13 20:10:23

Issy- bless you. Yes I've read the thread about parenting and mental health and felt goosebumps. I couldn't stop reading it. It was so validating and refreshing to hear so many other women being brutally honest and brave and admitting what so many women/the media/family/friends deny. Its fucking hard and life changing, not always for the better either. It's one of my favourite threads on mumsnet to date and one i'll keep coming back to, thanks for suggesting it. How old are your children now?

TheBreastmilksOnMe Thu 13-Jun-13 19:58:56

ILike- I can say yes to the last 3 scenarios. The 1st scenario doesn't really apply as I was feeling like this before the pregnancy, well since dc1 really.

issynoho Thu 13-Jun-13 19:56:27

Breastmilk - I could have written your OP. Long story short, I am still working out what is going on. I'm having counselling and it turns out my self esteem is shot. I haven't been expressing emotions, needs, wants, etc, which has contributed to my lack of self worth, the enormous distance between me and DP (because I've never spoken up about some of the hurts he's caused me in our long relationship - nothing really major, but would have led us down different paths, perhaps). So our relationship is essentially stuck in the past because I can't get past the hurts I didn't express; I just thought I could cover things up and they'd go away. Turns out they don't, and now we've got 3 DCs together and I can't really believe I've let this happen. Trying to go for relationship counselling but the childcare is a major hurdle. I don't know what I feel for him.

I agree with others that saying those words would close the door. I have stopped saying ILY to DP automatically because I don't feel it but I feel we have to try and sort us out before we call it a day. REally don't know what's going to happen, but wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Have you been reading the has parenting affected your mental health thread? It's been giving me some solace.

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