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Ever said 'I don't love you anymore'?

(40 Posts)
TheBreastmilksOnMe Thu 13-Jun-13 16:51:55

<Big sigh> That's it really. We've been together 8yrs got two children (one on the way) he's a very good dad, very good partner, everyone who meets him says what a kind, caring person he seems (I agree) but more and more I'm realising that the spark just isn't there for me anymore and I feel bad about it.

Bad for the future, bad for him as he deserves someone who will love him properly and bad for our children. I have conversations in my head with him about what I feel I'm going to have to say at some point and on one hand I feel a bit liberated and on the other I'm terrified of everything that comes after I've said 'I don't love you anymore'.

Would welcome any thoughts on the matter.

AnyFucker Thu 13-Jun-13 20:53:27

That is a sweet thing to say, HBM. It gives me no pleasure at all to be so harsh, but I do think you need to consider forcing the issue and make some decisions for yourself

Heartbrokenmum73 Thu 13-Jun-13 20:55:35

Af, ha, I'm already doing this. I've been through denial, grief, anger, etc. It's actually been like losing someone. Now I'm getting strong (panic attacks aside) and me and dc are (hopefully) moving down South over the school hols to be near my family. He's not coming with.

He may then realise what he's lost. I may decide I don't want him. I've already decided that if he does change his mind he'll have to go a long way towards proving he means it and won't EVER decide to just chuck me again.

Still hurts though.

AnyFucker Thu 13-Jun-13 20:59:29

You are doing the right thing. Have you had a thread, btw, I don't recognise your situation.

he has left you no choice, of course. I am sorry you are hurting.

Heartbrokenmum73 Thu 13-Jun-13 21:09:51

I have had a couple of threads, mostly tearing my hair out about another woman. Could be there is, could be there isn't. Don't really care anymore. Trying to be blase about it all now (on the outside at least) and telling myself that me and the dc (and cats!) will go and live by the seaside, in a nicer house, with more space and better schools.

I know it's not going to be that wonderful and that I'm going to hurt and be up and down, but looking forward is infinitely better at this point. And I'm either going to work or study - not sure yet, but I'll actually have help with childcare (via my Mum) so that makes things easier. And learn to drive - finally.

And marry Tom Hiddleston.

World domination.

AnyFucker Thu 13-Jun-13 21:22:11

Ah, I think I remember now

I agree it is immaterial whether there is OW at this point

You sound lovely, btw

Heartbrokenmum73 Thu 13-Jun-13 21:24:48

It was the Tom Hiddleston that tipped it, wasn't it? Be honest, I obviously have great taste in men.

<Preens at compliment>

AnyFucker Thu 13-Jun-13 21:33:03

smile

notanyanymore Thu 13-Jun-13 21:37:08

I went through similar when pregnant with dc2 and it was worse in the months following the birth too. Long story short, we split up. Over the next year I got myself back. And then we got back together and it was great (splitting up with children involved is a whole other ball game). However, since having another child I'm starting to feel I'm on the same slippery slope. I'm hoping now that for me, its just the pressures/distractions of having small children, it can really put a bit of a barrier between you IME. I'm trying not to let it get any where near as bad as it did before and hoping it will pass!!

Maleeka Thu 13-Jun-13 22:21:03

Think long and hard before you make any decision but i was in the same boat as you nearly a couple of years ago and am finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

My ex is a wonderful caring guy who only wanted to love me and our kids forever but i went and spoilt it all by falling out of love with him. It took 3 long years of faking how i felt because i didnt want to hurt him or break up our family, but i finally had to say those horrible words to him.

I truly regret the hurt i caused and the fall out for my family but i dont regret my decision and we are all much happier with new partners. The trick is to make sure the kids are your priority and feel able to talk about anything thats on their minds.

issynoho Fri 14-Jun-13 12:43:32

Breastmilk Sorry for slow reply - was exhausted last night. DCs are 7, 5 and 2. And 43, because the 'not taking responsibility' thing means it feels like I have 4 DC sometimes. And not surprisingly, he doesn't feel like an equal to me, we're not a team pulling in the same direction, hence the lack of attraction and love. But if we can sort that out, who knows what might return?

Honestly, if there were no DCs, I'd be gone. But there are, so I have to give this my all. But I am conscious I don't want their example of a healthy relationship to be what DP and I are modelling for them at the moment.

Can you identify what your wants and needs are from a relationship? How and why is your DP not meeting them? Exactly what is the spark that is missing?

ChasedByBees Fri 14-Jun-13 12:58:40

Hi OP - just wondering about your username as I don't know how old your children are. Have you been breasfeeding since your first child was born or was there a break? I am still feeding a 17mo and since she was born have felt pretty much asexual - I have pretty much no sex drive at all. With having my DC so time consuming during the day, by the time the evening comes, I'm exhausted and I don't want to speak or be touched. For me, partly it's tiredness bone numbing exhaustion but I think it might be hormonal from feeding too.

I was wondering if there could be some hormonal reason you feel this way. This in particular made me wonder if it could be this:

I have no desire for another man. I don't want sex anymore, I don't want contact. I don't understand myself to be honest.

I think it's really worth thinking about before you end your marriage.

TeaCuresEverything Fri 14-Jun-13 21:49:41

breastmilk are you me? I could have written your post.

the part about feeling like your love for your child has eclipsed your love for dh and you don't know how to fix it?

you don't want sex or to be touched?

I feel exactly the same. my ds is 2.8yo and he's everything but I don't recognize myself anymore. I've turned into a highly strung stress head and nag. I still love dh but not in the way I should do. its hard. I feel for you .

Wellwobbly Sat 15-Jun-13 15:01:48

Please, before you open your mouth, LOOK IN THE MIRROR and book some counselling sessions.

Examine yourself and your issues very carefully before you blow up someone's world with such cruelty.

Please. Surely it is worth spending some time carefully examining yourself and how YOU tick, before you go for the initially easy point and blame solution.

Wellwobbly Sat 15-Jun-13 15:04:49

sorry, posted too soon:

there are many many factors to be considered: post natal depression, perhaps your hormones are in a tangle, old issues stirred up by birth, hidden resentments, longings not articulated.

So do the right thing and carefully look at all these things before you blow up your world.

Reality is how things are in the moment, but those things can change. So make sure you have examined all the contributors to help you be clearer moving forward.

Good luck OP I am picking up some depression here.

TheBreastmilksOnMe Sun 23-Jun-13 16:28:59

Hi again I've been absent for a while as work has been busy but just reading through the replies I just want to rule out depression and breastfeeding as neither are a reason. I'm not at all depressed or even down and I stopped breastfeeding about 4 months ago so I know it's not that. As someone else see mentioned I just feel asexual maybe it is just to do with the physical and emotional demands of having 2 young children.

Wellwobbly- I'm not blaming anyone, least of all my partner.

I'm not ending our relationship anytime soon but will try and work at it and see how things pan out as the children grow up. I have immense respect and 'love' for him (although it feels more like sibling love) and I wouldn't want to hurt him unnecessarily.

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