Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Finding a nice single man?(195 Posts)
I'm a regular who has name changed and I am ready for the flaming that I will no doubt get
I have read so many threads on here from OW and about OW that suggest they go and find themselves a single man and leave the MM alone.
Ive been seeing a MM for 18 months. I love him, he loves me. We have an understanding, he wont leave his wife (he loves her and their children) and I dont want a full time relationship as I have children and I dont want to bring another man into their lives, they already have a Dad.
Because I know that we cannot be together I have never closed my eyes to the option of meeting someone else. Oh and I have met plenty of men, problem is, they are all complete nobs!! In 4 years of being single I have never met an available man who dos not have something wrong with him.
So in summary, I KNOW I shouldnt be seeing a MM, but my alternative is to be single (I hate being single, I need to kiss and cuddle someone, I feel desperately lonely when I dont have someone) or to go for 'second best' in which case I might as well have stayed unhappily married as my EX is more normal than most of the blokes I meet.
I am probably trying to justify myself, which is nice and easy on an anonymous forum, but how on earth do people meet nice men? do they even exist?
And while you are giving your time to this man, and trying to extract happiness from him, you are not giving yourself enough value.
You should try, most and foremost, to be happy with yourself, then a relationship should fit nicely into your life, not seek male company to be happy.
But he is married. Full stop.
My ex left me and my children for another woman. So I might be a little cross here ...
I have been single (except for a strange little thing for 3 months) for over 2 years, and have been looking for a man. Not easy...it is true. But still, I am trying; online dating, activities etc. I also think as we get older,we become more set in our ways....so some may come across as knobs. Some of the nice men I have met have told me how nutty some of the single women are too! Works both ways.
BUT I love myself. I would rather be single and be happy than be in an unhappy relationship JUST for kisses and cuddles! I get a lot of physical contact from dancing, my children are loving and my friends love me and always hug and kiss me. OK...it is not sexual but it is human contact. I also get loads of love from my dog (too much sometimes...what it is to be adored by a canine!)...I also have an excellent vibrator.
Please stop seeing this MM. You are fucking up his children and his wife. They don't deserve this just so that you can get some 'cuddles'. When I think what my children and I went through...please don't.
Just stop being so selfish.
And stop with the pathos too...it is ridiculous.
'Unless you are actively looking for men and dating, by being in a relationship you make yourself less available, automatically.
Being single is no guarantee that you will find a decent man, but by being involved you are probably putting decent men at a distance.
A decent man would be less likely to make an advance if he knows you have someone'
Nobody knows that I have someone and I do go out on dates and I do actively look out for someone.
"And stop with the pathos too...it is ridiculous."
Still think you should completely re-assess your whole approach to relationships and start loving your own self for a change.
This MM hit paydirt; your low self esteem and self worth make you a real magnet for chancers and low lifes. You would likely think differently of him if he turned up at your house with a suitcase after his wife had kicked him out and you were named in any divorce proceedings.
Ok, but do you not find yourself comparing the other men with this MM, for example?
Drfay - I am sorry for your situation, I truly am, but if you EX left you for someone else then you were obviously not meant to be together? whilst I understand how awful it was/is for you, the OW did not fuck up you and your children, your H made a choice to leave. I am also pleased that you are happily single. I wish I could be, but having been single several times in my life I dont like it. I love me, but I am a social person and I like the company of other adults. I want to fall asleep in someones arms, I want to be cuddled. Not every night, but occasionally. I never had that even when married.
Lweji - I do compare other men with this man, but I also compare them with my EX and I would still compare them whether he were in my life or not.
Attila - if he were to turn up on my doorstop, if I am honest I would welcome him with open arms, we could not live together because of my children, but I would help him and I would always be there for him.
the way OP writes and the dramatics, is way too familiar to previous mentioned posts. CBA
He had been having an affair with OW for a year before I found out. Then push came to shove, he left. I saw some of the utter shite he and OW had been writing to each other...blah blah blah...a bit like the guff you are writing.
Your tone is really annoying...I cannot understand what you want here? For someone to say poor you...all the single men are knobs...best stay with the MM...you lerve each other...
I didn't say I was happily single. I said I would rather be single than in a relationship for 'cuddles. Especially a relationship with a married man. You know...in my online profiles...I don't even consider separated guys. Divorced and single only. Separated says to me issues not quite resolved yet and I want nowt to do with those men.
Aargh...why am I even bothering I don't know. Just I feel for that MM's wife and children. It just sucks to be in that position.
You are doing a really bad thing here. Stop it. And out of utter selfishness just so that you can have a cuddle. Bloody hell.
If you are not going to stop then why ask for advice?
Ahahahahahaha, OP, you're hilarious, really.
You say you're a regular so that would mean you're fully aware of what goes on here, yes? Do you honestly expect any sympathy or understanding from anyone here?
The only advice you're going to get (and I think everyone's been VERY polite to you so far) is to grow up and either a) be single or b) make more than a half-arsed attempt to find yourself a decent man. Because the MM you're 'in love' with is NOT a decent man.
How can you possibly bang on about love and respect when he's showing such total disrespect to his wife and children? He's a cheating toad. And there are not enough words to describe you (and women like you) who feel that MM are fair game because 'we lurve each other', 'we're soul mates', 'it's in the stars', etc, etc.
And I completely agree with Overture - this is all extremely familiar (aimed at OP, not at Overture)
I have not posted about this before.
OP, seeing a married man is plain wrong for all the reasons stated above.
But... I do have some level of sympathy, or perhaps empathy is a more appropriate word, for you because being single can be really tough, and sometimes soul-destroying, and everyone deserves love.
Dating a married man isn't the answer though.
Thank you patience
I know that dating a MM isnt the answer and I certainly didnt set out to do so.
If it were as easy as 'just stop' then I would, I am not a horrible person, I didnt want to hurt anyone.
If anyone had told me 2 years ago that I would be in this situation I would never have believed it
I would love to be as lucky as the person who said that they have met a lovely man and so had 2 of their friends. I have met lots of men but they have all been odd. I find that the ones who have no children dont understand women with children and the ones who have children either dont care about them (never see them, which I find weird) or are in a bitter custardy battle with their EX which isnt very endearing either.
Others have been either obessed with me (texting and calling constantly) or really cold with me!
None seem to understand that my kids come first and always will.
Again, whilst it is not a good situation, at least with this man he understands all of that. I respect him for putting his family first, he is good to get on with, not obsessive, makes me feel good without smothering me and I enjoy being with him.
If I could find all that in a single man then that would be great !
Its not going to happen :-(
So you dont wanna be single, but you dont want a full time relationship.
So what do you actually want, relationship or just sex?
Also your an idiot with the we love each other crap, he loves screwing you and going home to his wife and children, you might as well be a robot for all the feelings he has for you. Its strange you dont want an arsehole, but your happily shagging one.
Oh and i've been single 4 years, all the men i've found are arseholes, never wanted to screw a married man.
"Custardy battles". This made me laugh out loud visualizing custard pie fights!
I think you mean custody.
There is nothing respectful or nice about you or MM. He is married, his heart lies with his wife and his children which is why he hasn't left her. He doesn't love you and bigger fool you for believing it.
Do you realise how selfish you sound when you say I have to be cuddled and fall asleep in someone's arms with no regard to the fact that man has a wife and kids at home.
The situation regarding you and MM is pathetic. Get yourself a single man and some respect like everyone else does!
There's loads of stuff going on here:
There is a lot of bad male behaviour, fullstop. Your MM is the living proof of this. He's not single and still a nob.
A man won't save you from feeling low and inadequate on your own.
You are behaving badly shagging a MM. It says something about you and probably your ability to find decent men - I'd put money on you regularly turning down decent men as 'boring'.
You are hurting people so you cannot just say "I didn't mean to". Stop now if you genuinely don't want to hurt people. It really is that simple, there is no other excuse if you are genuinely a nice person.
'Get yourself a single man and some respect like everyone else does'
Very helpful. Thank you I will pop to the 'single man' shop tonight and get one.
Have you actually read the thread?
Have you ever heard the phrase.... "treat others as you wish to be treated yourself."
Think about that quite a lot.
You really need to.
It is not a coincidence that you cannot find a decent single man.
Out of interest, how did you meet this man?
We knew each other at school, saw each other occasionally, I always liked him and he said he did me too, we just never told each other. Wish we had, things could have been so different.
I wrote earlier that you need to completely re-assess your whole approach to relationships. You did not responded to that point.
Also what did you learn precisely about relationships when growing up?.
Do not kid yourself that you are not hurting anyone here.
You are hurting his children by shagging their weasel dad, his wife and not least of all your own self for being a part of this hideous situation in the first place.
It is no co-incidence to me either that all the men you have seen to date are oddballs. This is precisely the type of person you attract because deep down your self esteem and worth are shot to pieces. This married man is just the latest in a long line of unsuitable and emotionally unavailable men. You are so desperate to be coupled up that you'll date any bloke with a pulse no matter how crap they are. There will perhaps be more too unless you make real changes to your own self.
One day you will wake up and this bloke you're shagging will have long gone.
Is this really what you want to be teaching your children about relationships?.
It did not work out when you were both at school and its not really working out now is it?. He will never leave his wife and children for you and he is quite happy as he is. Is he really what you want for your own self here?.
How can you say you don't want to be with a nob but then be with a guy who is willing to spin you lines and hurt his wife and children.
You're dating the biggest nob of them all. I really don't understand your logic on this one
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.