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Help, advice please

(122 Posts)
MissAliceBand Thu 13-Jun-13 09:40:35

I can't really believe I am writing this, it may be a bit of a mind dump, so please bear with me.

I have upset my husband again, but I am not sure why he gets so annoyed, a lot of it might be in my head, or my fault, I am just so confused and even writing this is making me feel cold all over because once it is out there, it can't be unsaid, can it? And I suspect I am going to look like an idiot here.

I will go with this morning as an example, please do say if you think I was at fault because I am not sure, I am finding it really hard to get things straight in my head these days.

So we got up, H got breakfast for DD. I got her school stuff ready, uniform, lunch etc. Then I got some stuff together to wrap a parcel that needs returning and is being collected at some time today. I sat down on the living room floor to sort it - a process that would take a total of 5 mins as I had prepared everything last night.

H came in to the room and started to shout at me for not having done it the night before, he says I never finish anything I start. I said that I had prepared everything last night and that all I had to do was wrap it, which I continued to do.

Then he got more irate and said I was taking up all the room in the living room and that was the space he uses to dress DD (who can dress herself as an aside) and that he had to work, and that I wasn't even dressed and he supposed I expected him to take her to school. We had discussed that last night and we were both going to take her. He said that I always change my mind and I am impossible to live with. Oh and that I am still taking up all the room (it is not a small room btw).

So I moved back and gave him some more space and he continued to shout and swear at me. Then as he walked past me he kicked a can of drink in to me, it didn't hurt but it was deliberate. Then started getting DD dressed still mumbling and swearing that I never do anything and that he has work to do (he works from home) and that now he has to take DD to school.

I cried a bit - embarrassingly, he didn't hurt me or anything, I was just so frustrated. Then I went upstairs to get dressed so I could take DD to school, after 5 mins he sent her up so I could fix her hair and shouted up the stairs that he knew I wasn't bothering to take her but couldn't I at least watch her for 10 mins so he could work. I was dressed and ready to go at this point.

Then I took DD down to take her to school and he shouted at me for changing my mind again, he is fed up with me and he can't be bothered with 'this' any more.

I was going to go and get a coffee and sit in the library after I had dropped her off so he could relax and get on with his work but I thought he might be pissed off if I stayed out without telling him where I was/when I would be back so I came home. He is ignoring me now.

God reading that back it probably is my fault, I expect I am rather annoying. I am also shit with money which I know pisses him off but I struggle to change, I do try but I always fall back in to bad habits.

Gah! please help me figure out how to sort this out, otherwise he's going to be pissed off with me all day.

MissAliceBand Thu 13-Jun-13 20:52:15

He does call me lazy though, a lot.

But I can be, I would sleep all day if I could grin

And he takes the piss when I make stupid mistakes, which I hate, but that's just my pride.

Last time we went away he bonked DD on the head with one of the security trays - not deliberately, but she had a bruise. It was her fault for being in the way, it was my fault for not moving her on. He accepted no responsibility. He didn't even say sorry. Which you do, don't you if you accidently hurt someone.

Sorry I appear to be unable to stop talking. Silence is making my brain hurt.

MrsDeVere Thu 13-Jun-13 20:54:56

Shouting is aggression.
The fact you don't class as such shows how desensitised you have become to his abuse.

In every post you make excuses for his horrible behaviour.

I really hope the people on her with the experience to help you, can.

Well, the shouting should bother you. The fact that it doesn't makes me worry for you.

You think it is ok for someone to shout at you?

foolonthehill Thu 13-Jun-13 21:07:38

There is a word that describes your DH...it is "entitled"...

he feels entitled to be treated in a certain way...
He feels entitled to behave badly....so he does
he feels entitled to make mistakes, bully, harass and mistreat you.
he feels entitled to a good life run in the way he wants when he wants.

He is unhappy because life never lives up to the very high expectations and the way he feels entitled to live, and because he chose a very caring, loving rescuer as his life partner, for many years you have done your best to help him to have the life he feels entitled to.

the trouble is the great, great cost is you, yourself.

your DH does not behave like this elsewhere?? Only at home. this is because you and you DD are not seen as individuals with rights...you are merely satellites revolving around him and his life...in a strange way his "ownership" of you means he can treat you as he likes.

My NSDH (not so dear husband) was seldom directly physical and certainly never directly hit me...but i was intimidated and scared of him...he was loud, he "knocked things over" he had a scary angry face which could change in an instant, he invaded my personal space...just enough to make me uncomfortable, he flexed his hands when yelling as if he was just about restrainung himself. You don't have to be hit to be in an abusive relationship....

WafflyVersatile Thu 13-Jun-13 21:07:57

www.thisisawar.com/AbuseEmotional.htm

www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/am-i-being-abused/

www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Emotional%20Abuse%20Checklist.htm

Here are three checklists of what abuse looks like that I chose randomly by googling a moment ago.

Maybe have a read and see if you think any of it applies to how your H treats you.

Maybe go to private browsing before clicking on them.

I've seen quite a few of them in your posts here.

He has actually very rarely been physical with me
Oh dear Alice.
With every post this just gets worse.
Read through all the links and start to try to understand that none of this is YOUR fault!
This is all him. His behaviour and how HE chooses to treat you.
I really hope you start to realise what a lovely person you are and that your daughter and you both deserve a better life away from this person!

joblot Fri 14-Jun-13 11:42:02

When you have no black eye or bruising it can be hard to think you are being abused. But you are, and your dd is, by him. He is not better than you, he has no right to treat you or your dd so badly. You aren't weak or pathetic, you're being abused and feel crap because of that. Being ok sometimes is absolutely not good enough

Best of luck planning your escape. You're his prisoner and I hope you can get free, when the time is right for you.

myroomisatip Fri 14-Jun-13 15:01:24

How are you today OP?

I am thinking the reality of your situation and relationship is beginning to sink in. sad

Miss AliceBand

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what was your own childhood like?. Did that feature a lot of shouting as well, you write you can cope with shouting. No you cannot actually but denial is a powerful force granted.

Abuse is not just physical, what you and DD are both getting and seeing here respectively is a range of abuse from him ranging from kicking cans at you, to silent treatment, to verbal violence.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. Did you know that?.

Would you wish your DD to have the childhood she is experiencing now at the hands of her Dominator Dad. This is what she is seeing and this is what she is learning from him i.e this is how men are. Your H has you pegged as meaningless and powerless and as such you are in fear of him, you are both nothing to him. He hates all women (and probably as well hates his mother). Years of such abuse at his hands has desensitised you to such abuse but your DD is learning that this dysfunction is how relationships are conducted.

You must act to get away from your H before he completely destroys you and by turn your child. Use the services of Womens Aid; they can and will help you here. They are precisely for women in your situation. You cannot go on living such a half existence and potentially mess up for good your own relationship with your DD by choosing to stay with such a man.

You have a choice here; your DD does not.

MissAliceBand Fri 14-Jun-13 15:56:40

I am feeling a lot better today, he's been absolutely fine with me and I have got some work done etc

Things are still in the back of my mind but if I am going to do something about it I really need to sort my work situation first. I was made redundant in April and while I have found some work to do it's sporadic and I really need to find something to bring some money in regularly. I am applying for lots of stuff though so fingers crossed. I generally ace interviews, just need to get one first.

Weirdly H adores his mum, they are really similar, she rules their family. He's really family orientated and will literally drop anything to help them out.
My upbringing was 'odd'. My parents aren't fighters, my dad is like me and just won't engage in that sort of thing. Smile and nod springs to mind. My mum is a shouter and a hitter, she really didn't like me when I was little. I was a miserable child grin

We get on much better now though, she's great with DD, which sometimes makes me hmm but is nice.

This is why I asked you about your childhood. Your own childhood led you right into the arms of this man you call your H I am sorry to say. You were set up for this.

You learnt that shouting and hitting was "normal" and you became a people pleaser like your Dad. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; you're still trying to people please your H now but its not working and it will not work. Your did not protect you from his toxic wife, he failed you utterly as well by being a bystander. He acted like many bystanders do, they out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

If your own mother is too toxic or difficult for you to deal with, then she is certainly too difficult for your child to be around her at all.

There are so many red flags around your H already but I can see another one now; his relationship with his mother. She is also toxic and dysfunctional, just like he is.

Now your H is in the nice phase of the abuse cycle; it will not last and he will start on you again soon enough. The cycle of abuse - this nice and nasty cycle all abusers operate - is a continuous one.

It could take some considerable time for you to find a job; the job situation out there is not great. You do need a job yes but this should not a present be a sole focus. Your focus should be concentrated on seeking legal advice from a Solicitor and planning your exit. I would also enlist the help of Womens Aid to help you get away from this man. He will destroy you otherwise and he could also destroy your relationship with your DD. I write that as if you were to stay, your DD could well ask you why you did, why you put him before her and totally despise you as a result.

All this probably and likely makes such daunting reading but you really have no other option now but to leave. I never write that lightly.

You have taken a small but important step already however, by writing on here. You know deep down his treatment of you and your DD is wrong, you would not have written at all otherwise. Keep doing so. You will find support here.

MissAliceBand Fri 14-Jun-13 16:34:08

Oh I can deal with my mother now, I get how she works and as soon as I wasn't scared of her any more her behaviour towards me changed. Now she treats me utterly normally, which I admit sometimes mskes me angry for the child I was but you can't change the past so...

As for work, I am lucky that where I live things aren't so bad. And I'll do anything, I can always look for something better once I have an initial job.

I am still horribly nervous about this thread. I feel like I should be looking over my shoulder all the time. And that's not just him, I am mortified about the whole situation, I feel sick at the idea of people finding out. It is making me shaky idiot that I am

I can understand you feel nervous about the thread. But please don't feel mortified about it. it's not your fault, he is at fault here. I can relate though, I talked to someone new about my xp today, and I started to shake and had to go home. Now I feel I have "said too much" again.
in one way, the fact that you know people would be horrified if they found out, use it to remember that he is the one treating you wrong.
Attila writes a whole lot of sense, so I'm just going to agree with her.
You are not an idiot, you are a person who's been mistreated. Best of luck with jobhunting, but do call Womens Aid, as they may be able to offer more immediate alternatives!

foolonthehill Fri 14-Jun-13 18:31:22

I know that shakey feeling....but always remember you are only responsible for YOUR behaviour...and you are not behaving badly (not saying that you are a saint...just normal) whereas he is behaving in an abusive and threatening way.

No-one needs to be embarrassed but him.

I suggest that whilst you are job hunting you talk to Women's aid and look at their website regarding safety planning. You hopefully may never use what you prepare but safety should never be compromised.

MissAliceBand Fri 14-Jun-13 20:18:12

My DD has a load of ulcers, I just moticed them this evening. Is that a stress thing?

I am in such a panic about this whole situation. I feel like there is a rock in my throat. I am constantly on the edge of tears but I don't want to cry because he will notice and a) I want to keep this all away from him and b) he does not react well to me crying. He calls it sulking and berates me for being silly.

Earlier he told DD off for wanting to bury some dead bugs. I told him that's fine and children do that sort of thing. He said he didn't because he was normal.

She buried the bugs, bless her. And she is her normal, happy often very irritating self.

Sorry to keep offloading on here. I am thinking I may call WA in the week, he goes into the office one day but I have this dread that they will say I am being daft. It all seems so minor.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 14-Jun-13 20:30:40

Breathe, think, plan.
Read up on the links provided up thread, several times if necessary.
Discovry is a shock. Give yourself time to fully understand this is all him degrading, diminishng you. You have no fault here. A complete understanding of that fact will help you through the inevitable wobbles.

Good luck {{{ flowers }}}

(I probably would have sang with your dd in the car...and I am waaay off key!)

They will not say you are daft. It is not minor. Better with one call too many, and all that.
Children doing normal children stuff, and he's telling her off for it. I'm so sorry to read about it.
Do keep on offloading! It is good to get it out, and to have normal responses to stuff from people who are not nasty smile
Now I better mind my own children, but just keep at it, you've got a fresh start waiting for you in the not too distant future.

ImperialBlether Fri 14-Jun-13 20:32:57

OP, I think you need to leave this man. He is absolutely awful.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I wonder whether you find your daughter irritating at time because your head is full of anxiety and worries and when she makes a noise it's hard for you to think straight.

MissStrawberry Fri 14-Jun-13 20:38:27

He probably sensed you were beginning to fight back against his abuse so thought he better pretend to be a decent person for a bit until he can take you unawares again.

MumnGran Fri 14-Jun-13 20:40:02

Others have already said all the important things, so I just want to say that you have already taken the most important step of your life, by finding the courage to post here ....and now you know that you are not alone, that other people don't think you are stupid, wrong or at fault. They hear you, and believe that you are being abused.

Realising you are the victim of abuse is difficult, and shocking, and very very scary. People here are amazingly good at support, so please please keep posting.
flowers

springytate Fri 14-Jun-13 20:40:30

My mum is a shouter and a hitter, she really didn't like me when I was little.

And you're with someone who 'doesn't like you' now. Maybe you put up with it because you put up with it when you were a child - ie thought it was normal, as all children do btw (we had to, it's called survival).

I was a miserable child - erm, not funny, my darling.

...which I admit sometimes mskes me angry for the child I was - yes, very sad for that lovely child who didn't deserve any of that shit

but you can't change the past so... - no you can't, but you can't bury it, either. It runs around somewhere under the surface, popping up in various ways eg blindly accepting abuse, normalising it, thinking it's 'nothing'.

I am mortified about the whole situation, I feel sick at the idea of people finding out - what, finding out that he is a shitty, inadequate little bully? Why are you mortified at that? He's the one who should be mortified, not you.

idiot that I am - please don't do that! Please don't put yourself down like that. It is so horrible - if someone posted on your thread that you were an idiot, I'd be just as angry. Please don't do it to yourself - you need as much support as possible, starting with YOU.

Weirdly H adores his mum - oh GROAN. A very high proportion of abusers idolise their domineering mothers. Bottom line is, they loathe women.

they will say I am being daft. It all seems so minor. - erm so NOT. But you normalised abuse when you were a kid and you are normalising it now. It's not funny, or 'minor' - it's very sad and very damaging.

Yes, I suspect the ulcers have a lot to do with the abusive soup your daughter lives in. Please rescue her, she has nobody else to do it (and she can't do it herself!)

xxxx

What springytate wrote in its entireity.

Your parents did utterly and completely fail you as a child and I am so sorry that there was no-one around to help you back then. They set you up for this pitiful half life you currently lead now; you learnt about relationships from these two awful role models so its not altogether surprising that you married an abusive man.

But you can help your DD as well as yourself now by getting away from your H. You have already taken that first and most difficult of steps to get out by writing on here. You know this ill treatment of you and your DD is wrong. Do call Womens Aid; they will not call you daft at all and they can and will help you. All calls to them too are confidential.

There is help out there MissAliceBand. You just need to reach out to it.

MissAliceBand Fri 14-Jun-13 21:00:04

I know I have to get her out, I know. But I am genuinely worried that he won't let me. He will not leave the house and I don't want to take her away frim her home, her school, her friends. Even her family, she loves her grandparents, they are great with her but they will help him fight tooth and nail to keep her.

Noone will help me.

And honestly I think I find her irritating because she's a child, and children are often irritating (as are adults grin )

MissAliceBand Fri 14-Jun-13 21:02:22

She's not irritating all the time, in case it came across that way.

Most of the time she is fab.

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