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I survived and got out of an abusive relationship and mumsnet helped me!

(27 Posts)
timetofaceit Wed 12-Jun-13 22:50:11

Well its been 8 months now and I'm such a different person, such a strong person, but when I look back why the hell did I put up with it for so long......but you just do its weird, here's a brief summary of what happened and what it took to get rid of him.

When I first met him he was so charming, said all the right things 'let me take care of you, treat you how you should be treated' always remember those words!!!! He seemed completely smitten with me, I suppose I was flattered he was handsome very manly, protective I thought seemed really caring, loved the fact I had children which was music to my ears. It wasn't long before I started to notice things though small things at first, snapping at me because I was 5 minutes late coming round to his house, laughing too much. Sitting too far away from him, sitting too close to him, not answering his text messages quick enough, or not answering the phone to him cheerful enough. Not making him feel welcome enough when he came round. Then he started loosing his temper more and more over nothing. Once in the car he lost his temper with me, if I answered him back it just made it worse so I ignored him he then got madder braked hard, undid my seatbelt told me get out I flew forward smashed my head on the dash. I was in tears he just told me to not to be so pathetic :-(. Eventually he calmed down but didn't apologise. He lost his temper in the car another time actually on my birthday and my 2 children were in the car scared shitless and that was when I knew this guy had to go! In between times he called me such cruel names, I couldn't cook to his satisfaction, I couldn't run my business, my clothes were the wrong colour even my nail varnish he would criticise! He chatted up other women on line, after I found out out and dumped him he begged for forgiveness, but then would do it again. When I was out shopping I must of been meeting someone else ohh it was a nightmare! loose his temper while having sex cos I wasn't doing it right. He held me up aginst the wall by my neck once and threw me on the floor cos he thought I was having an affair...all this in just 14 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So things got to the point I knew I had to get rid, I'd tried many times but always had him back, but its funny as soon as he started doing things infront of my kids my attitude changed. He HAD TO GO!!! I knew I was going to go through hell!!! I came on here moaned and complained, some had a right go at me some gave me advice, but the most important thing was it was somewere I could talk let off steam. I have no family around me and I felt isolated.

As predicted he wouldn't leave me alone kept coming around crying at first then got threatening, smashing doors in, I called the police so many times I was on red alert. I called the police when he came round cos he wouldn't leave he put his face against the door window and said 'you call the police and I will it the worse fucking day of your life' the police just kept taking statements tried to go around to warn him off but he was never in. 2 months in and he still wouldn't leave me alone. He put a false advert in a newspaper advertising me for sex, he had a naked picture of me threatened to post it anywhere he could, created false e mails telling me what a slag I was. Malicious texts phonecalls,told me he would never leave me alone and would make my life hell. I have my own business so it was very difficult to change numbers etc. Eventually a friend came with me to the police station to try get them to do something, this time they took it more seriously and took a statement did a report, spoke to him on the phone infront of me that was good :-). I also contacted the domestic violence unit who were fantastic and within an hour they had a letter sent to him warning him if he carried on he would end up with a prison sentence. The police decided also to issue him with a warning which they had to serve to him in person. Eventually they caught up with him, he swore at them to get off his fucking property , he ripped up the letter in a temper....But that was the end of it, he finally crawled under his rock. I'm still not totally convinced I'll never hear from him again but he's gone and no contact for 3 months.

I have become a much stronger person, spend lots of time with my children, stopped crying, my business is doing well, I have new friends a social life and I'm really happy. It was hell getting out of it but it was well worth it, this is just a smidgin of what happened but I wanted to share it to give some hope to those you are in a similar situation, its awful you do have to be strong but by god its bloody worth it DO NOT WASTE YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Euclase Wed 12-Jun-13 22:55:55

* pom poms * Well done you !

ItsNotUnusualToBe Wed 12-Jun-13 22:59:26

Well done vipers. And onwards and upwards to you OP. Stay strong.

Hardhaton Wed 12-Jun-13 23:00:49

Well done! Stay strong! Xx

CognitiveDissonanceismyHobby Wed 12-Jun-13 23:05:35

Well done, I'm glad things are going well for you and you can look back and know you've done the right thing.

The power of mumsnet is a good thing!

timetofaceit Wed 12-Jun-13 23:16:04

yes I feel proud that I did it now, I also went on the freedom programme so hopefully I can NEVER get myself in that situation again. It was mumsnet that gave me a kick though and it was here I could come to chat to others. Ultimately its only you that can sort it, I used to sleep surrounded by phones worrying what the hell he would do next ! He has a new victim now apparently, no doubt giving her the charm! Poor girl :-(

blueballoon79 Thu 13-Jun-13 07:12:53

It was nice to read your story- not nice you went through it but nice to know someone has been through it and come through the other side.

I've only just left my abusive ex. Many of his traits were exactly the same as your ex.

I've also received the threatening and abusive texts and calls and have had to threaten to contact the police.

I felt immense relief the minute I ended it and am feeling happier and stronger every day but I still have a long way to go yet.

AnyFucker Thu 13-Jun-13 07:32:36

Good for you x

timetofaceit Thu 13-Jun-13 09:14:47

BLUEBALLOON, don't wait to contact the police, keep everything and report it, just incase it continues. Some of the police were more sympathetic than others but it is reported and helps them to protect you. Womens aid were brilliant too, lots of support there. I felt like you relief but also scared as to what he was going to do next we shouldn't have to live like that because of these bullies. Stay strong and you need someone to talk to remember I've been through it, even went back a few times cos I thought he would change x

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Jun-13 09:33:27

What a story! I'm so glad you got out of it and that you found the strength to get through. Pretty sure most of that strength was internal in the end and MN just served to confirm that you were doing the right thing... glad it helped. So pleased you involved the police... was he a completely new case to them or did they know him already? Do feel sorry for his new girlfriend

What you describe is a rather extreme but 'classic' evolution from manly protector to abusive psychopath. What I'd like to ask, if you're OK with that, is that... with hindsight... was there anything in those first few dates that you dismissed at the time but now realise was indicative of his subsequent behaviour? Before he got to the snapping stage? Was there anything that, looking back, you'd be alert to in another person?

timetofaceit Thu 13-Jun-13 10:00:58

Hi Cogito, he was known to the police, they wouldn't tell me exactly what for because of data protection but he told me himself he had a record for abh, handling stolen goods and he told me there was an incident with an ex were she reported him for abh, but still he managed to make himself sound like the innocent party!

The only thing really I can say may have been a red flag, was how intense it all was right from the start, wanting to see me every night, phoning me, texting me, interested in my day but questions about were I had been etc. Of course someone who isn't abusive could be like this. But because he was insecure and the jealous type those sort of clingy actions were displayed. So now if someone was like that with me I will run a mile, slow and steady for me now I'd say. He did mention babies quite early on too, and even moving in together within the first month! All signs of control quite often!!! Wonder if others saw this too?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Jun-13 10:47:47

That's actually a recognised 'red flag'... overly-intense start to a relationship. Early expressions of undying love/marriage/children/moving in, monopolising your time, monitoring your movements are not normal and show zero respect for you. As you say, it can feel quite flattering and you want to interpret it as 'enthusiasm', but it is too often a sign of a possessive and controlling personality to be dismissed easily.

DV-related ABH eh? If you'd known that when you met him would it have made a difference? Do you think, if his new girlfriend knew this stuff, she'd listen?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Jun-13 10:50:48

Sorry... read that wrong. So he told you about the ABH? When making himself sound innocent, did he try to make out his ex was some kind of nut? Because that would be another common red flag i.e bad-mouthing former partners and making out everyone's out to get them ... 'you're so nice, not like that bunny-boiler that tried to report me for ABH and ruin my life'... etc.

It's great to hear you had the strength to get out.
Here's to a great new life for you and your DC!
Well done.

Jux Thu 13-Jun-13 11:46:54

Excellent, Timeto. So good to hear you're doing well and so happy thanks

Balloons, don't wait to contact police. Get things logged, you have no idea whether you'll need it. If you don't, great, but if you do it'll be there.

timetofaceit Thu 13-Jun-13 12:20:38

yes cogito he did tell me about the abh during the relationship and that certainly did make me stop and think, but although I consider myself (now anyway) a fairly intelligent woman I kind of sucked up his tale of events, however that was always on my mind, the more things started to happen. It was almost the fact he was being so honest with me made me think that was better. Ohhh you know looking back there was many things really but you just get so sucked in. Also I actually met him through a friend who sung his praises due to this extremely charming exterior he had. He even said to my Dad once baring in mind I live a good 2 hours away from any family 'I want you to know I love your daughter, and you don't have to worry about her I will take care of her' .....only it was him I actually needed protecting from in the end!!!!!

flowers to you. I have also found reading and posting on here really helpful! My plan is to be single for the next 15-20 years grin it's bliss, actully.

timetofaceit Thu 13-Jun-13 12:32:36

turbo its actually, lovely to have no one to answer to, watch what I want, do what I want without being criticised. Having days out just me and the children is sooo much easier and less stressful! You know I did become pathetic and was crying a lot of the time yet again I consider myself a fairly strong, independent woman. That has stopped I haven't cried for months, its definitely more laughter now :-) x

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Jun-13 12:38:16

You always were an intelligent woman smile But these people are supreme manipulators, often very charming (initially) and lying comes as easy to them as breathing. Early days of a new relationship none of us assume we're up against a con-artist... we all want it to go well... and they exploit that vulnerability to get what they want.

I realise it hurts to think back and I know how embarrassing it is to feel you were used or duped. But, if you can bear to pick it apart a little, you can recognise more easily if anyone tries this kind of rubbish again

So good to not have the stress, I do agree! Outings are fun, travelling is fine, and I can actually cook dinner without being told off for cutting the carrots the wrong way. That is a plus. smile
We are moving towards tipping the scales over to more laughter here too, which is heartening.
Very happy to hear this, Time.

Sunnywithshowers Thu 13-Jun-13 13:20:01

flowers That's great news OP smile

timetofaceit Thu 13-Jun-13 14:42:49

Oh turbo I used to get critised the way I cooked, chopped, made things, even the cooking tool I used. The way I hung out the washing. Laughed at my business name, basically I couldn't do anything and then to top it all he had this lady 'friend' who was a bloody pain in the neck too. Think I posted about her once, but she could do no wrong infact he actually said 'its not my fault if she's better at doing things than you' . That made me feel so terrible and he couldn't see why, these people just lack empathy as well as being a bully! I know I'm still moaning but I kind of need to sometimes. As for lying I didn't believe a word that came out of his mouth in the end, though he was VERY convincing at first. You stay strong Turbo x

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Jun-13 15:10:05

One definition of a psychopath is "A person with an antisocial personality disorder, manifested in aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behaviour without empathy or remorse." He pretty much ticks all those boxes....

I think you are right, Cogito. There are more psychopaths out there than strictly necessary, I think.
Love the one where some other person is just much better than you, and it must be pointed out. Check.
Carry on moaning about it, Time!
I'm driving my mum around the bend, but it helps to get it all out. Think I've said it before, but the stunned faces when you tell something that is far from the worst is a great reality check. Gives courage that it's not you getting the wrong end of the stick.

timetofaceit Thu 13-Jun-13 17:57:30

Oh he had mental problems that's for sure. I think he also suffered from depression, I tried to help him stupid me, he suffered from psoriasis which is connected to that sort of thing. He also had a bad childhood which should of been a red flag too, but again I felt sorry for him, his mum put him in care at age 15 cos she couldn't cope, his dad who he later found out wasn't his real dad, used to beat him up and his mother. But what I never understood was he stayed in touch with his dad told he loved him but as far as his mother was concerned she was a selfish cow and didn't want anything to do with her. He was close to his brothers but not his sister....is it a woman thing???

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