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to think this is a red flag concerning my daughters boyfriend.

(51 Posts)
dontgowadingin Wed 12-Jun-13 22:06:18

Name change --- bare with me its a long one

My daughter has just turned 18, she has a boyfriend of 22. I didn't know his 'real' age until she had turned 18 by then they had been with each other around 5 months. Its about 7 months in now.

I had trouble getting my head around how old he was as I felt it was too old for 17/22 but I kept my mouth shut as she was 18 by the time I found out.

As far as I know things have been good between them, she has spent the weekend visiting his mother recently to meet her and she seemed very happy. They were due to go again this Friday for the weekend. Its a 2 hour train ride.

My DD BF is going to Ibiza to work for six weeks at the end of this month, originally it was for the whole summer but has shortened it to six weeks because he will miss DD. She is flying out to visit him in July.

He has given up his apartment share and is just crashing at his friends till he leaves.

Today my daughter came home from work, which she is doing very well at. She was ill and looked terrible. Id not seen her for a couple of days as she had been with BF. So she let me pamper her for a while and fell asleep on couch.

BF rang and asked her to go and see him, she explained that she was ill and was going to spend some time with me ( I nearly fell of chair at this point, she must really be ill and feeling sorry for her self)

He said he really wanted to see her, she said she was too tired ( it would take an hour bus ride to meet him) He asked if he could come here and sleep. She said ''no'' as I wouldn't like it, at this point he told her that she was being unfair, she didn't care about him, he feels like a spare part, that he was going to his mothers tonight and that she wasn't allowed to go Friday and she wouldn't see him till he got back from Ibiza. I could hear his raised voice on the phone.

She left the room rang him up and could hear her getting upset on the phone. She came back in the room, she had been crying. She said that it was sorted he wasn't going and she was meeting him next day.

Next min he is on bloody phone again, starts whole palava again,she ends up practically begging him to go and see him, him refusing her of course till he decides she can go up after all.

So she drags her self up and gets her stuff ready, i talked to her about how she was feeling, she assured me she was fine, she didn't know how bad he felt, not to worry.

She looked like a lost soul when she left the house.

I genuinely don't know what to do, i don't want her to not feel she can talk to me yet i don't want to sit back as i think he sound manipulative and she is too young for all this crap.

OR am I blowing this out of proportion

Good advice muchly appreciated

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Jun-13 22:11:49

Oh god I'd do whatever I could to keep her away from him!

Does she know you come on here? You have described it quite calmly and I don't think she'd be able to argue with your description. She might find it eye opening to read people's opinions. Or you could get her to put her own point of view, start her own thread.

He sounds really manipulative - really awful.

caramelwaffle Wed 12-Jun-13 22:15:44

She needs to get away from him: the sooner the better.

You are not blowing it out of proportion thanks

pointythings Wed 12-Jun-13 22:18:00

Enormous emotional abuse red flag. Not sure how you're going to be able to influence your DD, though - it may be that the best you can do is be there for her when it all falls apart. sad

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 12-Jun-13 22:18:59

Definitely an emotionally manipulative fuckwit. He will not change or get 'better'. She should run for the hills.

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 12-Jun-13 22:19:55

He sounds awful. Would she tell you if she had been arguing with him over something else when she saw him last?

dontgowadingin Wed 12-Jun-13 22:21:15

If he was in his teens then I could put it down to immaturity but 22 is old enough to know better.

This is her first 'real' relationship and i don't want it to set a trend. I just don't know the best way to broach the subject with out alienating her so she cant talk to me. If i go in saying he is an ass hole she will clam up

I second the first reply. Can you get her to read the responses you get here? Maybe ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships because you will get stellar advice there. If she can see that it isn't just Mum 'wading in' and that actually he sounds like a manipulative arsehole, maybe it might sink in?

DeepRedBetty Wed 12-Jun-13 22:24:05

No, I don't think you're worrying about nothing. Does she watch any soaps? Have any of them featured emotional abuse story lines recently? I don't watch any of them myself but DM does, and I was at her house when there was an episode of Eastenders (I think) with something very like this going on. Could have been Corrie or Emmerdale though, sorry.

Anyway, a fictional story might be a place to start a conversation?

Ilovemyself Wed 12-Jun-13 22:25:24

Have you met him yet? It is difficult to make a snap decision on one call.

Is he quite young for his age? I know how I felt when I joined the Navy and had to leave my Girlfriend of a year. I was gutted and it made me act a bit shitty for a while.

It sounds like you can talk to her so do just that. Get a bit more from her and trust your judgement. I don't think the age gap should bother you, but if she says he is possessive or controlling in any way you have to say something. Do remember though, she is 18 now so she can see who she wants.

dontgowadingin Wed 12-Jun-13 22:25:25

I think she would tell me if they had been arguing, i asked her what the relationship was like normally, she said it was good, just him being upset on this occasion confused

He also text her best friend last week and had a go at her for trying to manipulate DD! I did tell DD he was out of order for that.

I cant tell her dad he would go in all guns blazing

trackies Wed 12-Jun-13 22:25:57

he's being very immature and manipulative. YANBU !

gordyslovesheep Wed 12-Jun-13 22:26:40

wow! he is toxic - yanbu x

MNBlackpoolandFylde Wed 12-Jun-13 22:27:30

I was your daughter 15 years ago, the person who left a family meal mid course because my exh who was my boyfriend at time did what you have said. He was much older than me too.

Its controlling behaviour, please talk to her. sad It got much worse for me.

dontgowadingin Wed 12-Jun-13 22:30:40

I know ilovemyself that's why I'm biting my tongue. I haven't met him yet. We were supposed to be meeting up this weekend but they are going to his mothers.

I don't know, I just have a feeling about this.

You right i think ill try get this moved to relationships.

Thanks for your responses x

marriedinwhiteagain Wed 12-Jun-13 22:30:52

All you can do is be there. Thank God he's going abroad for six weeks - it's a long time when you are 18. I guess he wanted to come tonight because he has no fixed abode at present.

Ilovemyself Wed 12-Jun-13 22:33:32

The fact he had a go at her friend as well tells you all you need to know

I wish I could give you an answer on how to deal with it but I can't. But it sounds like she will trust you and talk to you.

And I agree. Show her this thread.

McNewPants2013 Wed 12-Jun-13 22:34:53

A huge red flag.

Next it will be I shortened my summer to Ibiza for you and all the other babble bullshit these fuckwits come up with.

She is ill and I get that he may want to see her, but a normal person would go to them and ask if they needed something on the way not drag them out.

FluffyDucky Wed 12-Jun-13 22:34:54

I would talk to her but depending on what she is like, if you try to stop her from seeing him it may not go well for you.
I got my first boyfriend at 17, stayed together for nearly 3 years (he was 2 or 3 years older than me). He was very emotionally/verbally abusive and slightly physical (not hitting but rough) I could not see this for quite some time after breaking up.
My mum told me after and when I was ready to hear it how much she, my dad & brother disliked him and saw him for what he was.
If they had told me this while I was with him I simply would not have listened & probably would have had less contact with them (which he had reduced anyway)
Be there for her, support her and when it goes sour let her turn to you. x

dontgowadingin Wed 12-Jun-13 22:35:31

married I'm hoping that this break will give them breathing space. Yep I agree with staying over.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 12-Jun-13 22:41:30

She's 17! Isn't a crap relationship like this something almost everyone goes through?

He's going to be away for weeks at a time. Encourage her to go out with her girlfriends and enjoy that time, and she might realise her boyfriend isn't going to be The One. Hopefully she will learn something from this, but she has to do it herself in her own time.

I'm sure she'll be fine.

Lavenderandroses Wed 12-Jun-13 22:41:44

I think it's a really difficult age to get too involved. Maybe set up a spa day and have a good heart to heart with dd focusing more on how she feels things are going.

The age gap is nothing if she is fairly sensible and grown up. I'm assuming you had the safe sex talk years ago?

I think keep your distance but at the same time keep talking to your daughter. Be there to guide and support her but also keep things balanced so you don't push her away. She does have to learn some lessons in love herself.

gottachangethename1 Wed 12-Jun-13 22:42:35

This is how my relationship started. Bad moods when I dared to say I couldn't meet up because I was I'll, temper tantrums when I mentioned a desire to meet up with friends.
2 decades later & I'm still trying to escape from his emotional/verbal abuse. My teenage dd has sadly witnessed enough to stay far away from anyone that puts ties on her.
Please tell your daughter that no one has the right to emotionally blackmail her. It isn't a sign of being a love struck boyfriend, Its a sign that he is controlling and she needs to make it clear she is not there just to please him. If he truly loves her he will accept that. Sadly I can bet that he won't. Thinking of u both.

McNewPants2013 Wed 12-Jun-13 22:50:06

CloudsandTrees.

I agree that many people may have experienced this type of relationship. Many get out before it become serious with friend/ family pointing them in the right direction.
Many others don't listen due to physiological damage all ready done.

The op is right to be concerned about her daughter.

dontgowadingin Wed 12-Jun-13 22:53:25

Thanks ladies, I think I will take her for lunch when he goes and have a chat with her, gotta your right no one has the right to emotional blackmail.

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