Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Dh has been stealing from me to gamble(104 Posts)
he has lost £1,800 in the last month. We have always kept our finances separate and I pay all the bills. But he has been using my cash card without my knowledge. We've been married 8 years and have a one-year old. I've also found out he has borrowings with about 7 payday loan companies and other dodgy loans. I had no idea before today.
Anyone been through anything similar?
That's a good point Lisa - I had 'forgotten' about all the actual stuff that went missing, everything from cds to jewellery from my grandmother that I thought was well hidden.
We had a DD together. I stayed too long because I didn't have a 'reason' to leave and he kept promising to change... If only I had MN then.
There is no way for any of us reading this to know if your DH will turn it around or not.
If you noticed that something was wrong and repeatedly asked him about it, then you bear absolutely no responsibility for this. I can't imagine a realistic scenario where you are responsible.
white bird that's the thing about a year ago I chucked him out because he had a payday loan and he had previously promised me he would never take another out again. But then I didn't understand why he was getting into debt. Now I know it's an addiction I can sympathise and help and hopefully change things going forward.
Ps I saw a lawyer before I got married because I thought I ought to get a pre-nup to protect myself. The advice at that time was just to carry on as per, e.g. Everything in my name and paid for by me. Pre-nups weren't taken into account 8 years ago. But I don't think dh could claim anything. Anyway, I don't want to live apart from him whatever he has done!
I don't see how that makes you responsible.
"Now I know it's an addiction I can sympathise and help and hopefully change things going forward."
No you can't.
How can you possibly think one phone call and a few easy tears are going to change anything?
This man has been lying to you and stealing from you for over a year.
You've already given him an ultimatum, and he did it again.
You are risking your child's security to satisfy your own selfish desire to stay with him.
Anyway, I don't want to live apart from him whatever he has done!
And well he knows it.
I think gambling addiction is the worst, there is a limit to how much alcohol you can consume and how many drugs you can take, money wise, there is no limit with gambling. Somebody I know, her H took his DC's toys to Cash Convertors .
My DH is a gambler, nearly took us down 4 yrs ago - ended up owing £300k including £30,000 borrowed from a friend . Gamblers are the biggest manipulators/liars, most deceitful people I know.
You cannot micro manage them, you have to make them responsible for their own mess. My DH had to negotiate with creditors himself, he had to work his butt off to turn the business around and pay creditors, he self excluded himself from betting sites, he went to counselling to understand his self destructive/implusive behaviour. All these things he did himself. BTW it is not recommended for gamblers to enter into IVAs - working to pay off creditors and negotiating with them, themselves, so that they actually "feel" the pain and the consequences of their actions is how it should be IYSWIM. It is also recommended that control of bank accounts/finances is only done in the initial stages of recovery, he will need to control himself. You do need to protect yourself and your DCs.
Like the previous poster, our credit rating is crap, only beginning to be repaired now. And my DH had some slip ups in the first six months as behaviour doesn't change over night.
I, personally, think your DH doesn't have any consequences ATM and therefore I don't think this will end well for you.
"Now I know it's an addiction I can sympathise and help and hopefully change things going forward."
Now you know it's an addiction, you must understand that you are not in a position to change things or even help him. He has to take full responsibility for his actions, accept the problem, find some motivation, stop lying and commit to change entirely independently. Your 'sympathy' oriented plan at the moment seems to be to pay off his debts, let him off contributing towards the family, manage his access to money and trust that when he says 'I've stopped' he's stopped. He's laughing...
Knowing someone has an addiction does not mean sympathising with them and protecting them. That is called codependence and that will cause a lot of hurt to you and your family in the long run. While you mother him because "he is ill" he has no reason to change. He has got away with theft. He has put his addiction before anyone else, including you and his children, that is his only love. He needs help, he needs you to stop mothering him and make him face what he has done, he needs gamblers anonymous and most importantly you need help too - therapy or a support group.
What would help him. Make him face his actions like an adult. Call the police. Kick him out. Otherwise he will not change, he has not reached rick bottom, he has no incentive to change. If you let him stay, he will bankrupt your family, he will destroy you, you could quickly lose your home, everything. Alcohol, addiction, gambling, overspending... all of these destroy families. You can't protect him, he needs to want to get better (and words at this stage from him mean little - addicts are superb liars). You can only protect yourself and your children.
Yes, a member if my family went through this. He made her life a misery. She slept with her handbag under her pillow and he stole from piggy banks.
She spent her life as a policing him. He still gambled. Borrowed money, sold his car, ( she ended up getting him another)
He had his own company with plenty of staff. He would borrow from staff, steal petty cash, even run out of petrol although he had been given 50 to fill up.
He used to leave the dc in the car outside the betting shop. They were supposed to be swimming. They never told.
If he wants to stop he needs to do all the work, GA, everything. And protect yourself more. Think nasty divorce and protect all the assets and cash. Ensure the will everything goes to your child and he is NOT a trustee. Stuff like that.
"white bird that's the thing about a year ago I chucked him out because he had a payday loan and he had previously promised me he would never take another out again. But then I didn't understand why he was getting into debt. Now I know it's an addiction I can sympathise and help and hopefully change things going forward."
I think you need to read and re-read this post, until you get what is so wrong about this.
Your actions a year ago were correct until you took him back.
What calmingtea wrote earlier.
What do you get out of this relationship now?. This whole thing smacks of co-dependency here along with a selfish desire to be a two parent family. He has lied and lied repeatedly at that to pay his gambling addiction. That is more important to him that your child or you.
This is likely not going to end well for you or your child. Your desire to keep this sinking ship afloat could well be your ultimate undoing. You are too close to the situation to be of any real use, not that he actually wants your help anyway.
Thing is op, your dh has to want to be a father and be a family.
And - through his actions - he has demonstrated pretty well he doesn't care.
This is not your fault.
Stop blaming yourself.
You can't love this better.
You characterise it as an addiction but also draw comfort from the fact he's promised not to do it again. Classically the addict will always promise that - and even mean it - but it is not enough to change the behaviour. He needs professional help, you cannot do this between the two of you just because he was remorseful during the discovery.
I couldn't bear it if I couldn't make this family work
Well, life's thrown you a problem you can't solve. Please think carefully about your definition of 'work' for the long term, there are plenty of children of addicts on MN who can tell you how damaging an addict can be to childhood.
I hope your DH has woken up today determined to get to Gamblers Anonymous, to install blocking software on his laptop, and to start working to repay the money he has stolen.
Please check on legal, but I understand it that after eight years of marriage it doesn't matter whose name is on the deeds or who has paid for what, it's still an asset of the marriage. Hopefully it won't come to that.
I think you may find it helpful to check out about gambling addiction and all the problems that go with it. You can hope for the best and plan for the worst. Things have got worse since you last spoke about this. Fingers crossed they will get better.
Wishing you all the luck
Can't believe people's attitude on this thread it makes me do angry. The op has an addiction is needs proper help he is not stealing her money for his fancy women.
Op I hope your dh gets the HELP he needs and you can support him. Obviously he needs to take responsibility and that is the first step of the recovery process.
Gambling might as well be "fancy women"
Some people's dealbreakers are not confined to sexual infidelity
PearlyWhites the thing is that the OP is going to be desperately affected by the addiction. Gambling addiction can lose more money than heroin or drink but be just as cruel and demanding. The child will be affected as well. I am not saying LTB but when it reaches 7 payday loans then the financial fallout for the family will already need careful managing, just as someone suffering from heroin addiction will need careful managing.
To be honest, I think the OP would have an easier time if the money had been spent on other women. There is a better statistical chance of reining it in.
Well, Pearly, some of us don't think being a gambling addict gives you a right to drag your family down with you.
He is stealing money from his wife and child.
2 grand in the last month that she knows about.
She also knows he is a liar who hides debts from her.
The risk to the child remains until he is removed from the family.
He can sort out stopping being a lying thief on his own time.
PearlyWhites - my father had a gambling addiction, fortunately my mother left him. But not until she had had to beg for money from her family to feed me, and she herself was massively under weight.
I was also friendly with a man who had a gambling addiction (he went to my church, and I think saw me as an extra daughter). He was desperate to "get back" with his wife, and had stopped gambling BUT I am not sure he was doing it for himself, but just to get her back. If she had taken him back I suspect he could easily have slipped back into his old ways.
I also watched a functioning alcoholic who had been dry for years, eventually give in to temptation and in the process lose his lovely second wife. His mistress "drink" was just too alluring for him.
I can't speak for others on this thread but as an addict myself, I don't find it helpful for non-addicts to declare that addiction = disease = excuse. It is much, much more complicated than that, and it's not that the OP's DH is a bad person but he is responsible for what has happened. The OP's DH needs tough love and the OP needs tough love too. Their lives are on different tracks now - they are not making the same journey towards recovery, but hopefully they will 'meet' each other again further down the line.
This is not a 'deal breaker' for me. I'm religious and my marriage vows mean a lot to me. Legally I own everything and I owned everything before we got married which is why the legal advice at the time was that a pre-nup was unnecessary.
I think I can close this down if I have his salary and he just gets pocket money. I know that seems like he's being treated like a child but the GamCare lady advised this and then him dealing personally with his creditors.
I am actually feeling relieved that I finally know what the problem is. My dh has been so distant from me for so long. He's not a bad person just a bit hopeless and I'm sorry to say afraid of me losing my rag.
£1,800 last month ? 7 payday loans, other loans and the stuff you inevitably dont know about yet ?
I agree he needs to be feeling the effects of this far more than a few promises
Join the discussion
Please login first.