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Dh has been stealing from me to gamble

(104 Posts)
Questioneverythingtwice Wed 12-Jun-13 18:15:00

he has lost £1,800 in the last month. We have always kept our finances separate and I pay all the bills. But he has been using my cash card without my knowledge. We've been married 8 years and have a one-year old. I've also found out he has borrowings with about 7 payday loan companies and other dodgy loans. I had no idea before today.

Anyone been through anything similar?

Darkesteyes Wed 12-Jun-13 18:17:26

This is serious financial abuse OP.

7 payday loans as well as stealing from you BLOODY HELL.

Xales Wed 12-Jun-13 18:23:15

Money is something I am very anal about having seen my mum screwed over time after time by boyfriends/husbands and having to bail her out.

It would be 'this stops now and you get help' or marriage over for me.

I could not live with the uncertainty that due to another persons selfish actions my home could be at risk due to unpaid bills.

Easier said than done I know sad

Good luck sorting this out.

AThingInYourLife Wed 12-Jun-13 18:26:04

I could never come back from finding out the person who was supposed to care about me and my daughter most in the world was prepared to steal from us and put us at risk of serious harm.

Questioneverythingtwice Wed 12-Jun-13 18:28:27

I've hacked One of his Internet betting accounts, changed the password and 'self-excluded him from using it. I can't get into the other betting website account he uses. Ffs he lost £100 betting the day I was in labour!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Jun-13 18:32:34

What's he going to do to return the £1800 and anything else he's stolen? Why are you having to hack his accounts rather than him do it off his own bat? Is he taking any responsibility at all?

AThingInYourLife Wed 12-Jun-13 18:33:11

Don't bother hacking into his accounts.

He'll just make new ones.

Go and see a lawyer about exactly what your liabilities are here and take steps to legally separate yourself from him before he destroys you.

What are you going to do to keep your finances and your means to look aft your child safe?

Questioneverythingtwice Wed 12-Jun-13 20:39:16

I phoned GamCare before dh came home from work and the lady was really helpful with some good ideas. Confronted dh when he came home from work and he burst into tears, literally shaking and ashen faced. He has phoned GamCare too now and they have helped him. He has deleted all his Internet betting apps and I'm going to get software to stop him ever accessing betting websites again. He has promised never to so much as buy a lottery ticket ever again.
He has agreed to have all his salary paid into my bank account from now on and to close his bank account. He has given me all his credit cards. He is currently talking to the consumer credit counselling service for advice. He's going to get a new sim card and phone number tomorrow to stop the payday loan people hassling him.
We're making a to-do list and we will get through this I hope.
Thanks for your input.

Xales Wed 12-Jun-13 21:04:05

You also need to change all your banking passwords and pin numbers so that he cannot withdraw from your accounts without your knowledge.

Does he realise he's bloody lucky to still have you? He still needs help. Please check out Gamblers Anonymous. Once the remorse dies down (and he realises he hasn't lost his family) the withdrawel will kick in. He also needs to make this public to friends and family so they don't lend him any money. Do you think he'll do this?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Jun-13 21:37:49

Well he's come up smelling of roses, hasn't he? hmm A few tears, promises to change and handing over the bank card and everything's peachy. Never mind that, if you hadn't found out about this, you and your kids could have been potless, homeless and out on the street. Keep your wits about you OP because addicts are sneaky, lying bastards that don't care about anything but themselves.

WeAllHaveWings Wed 12-Jun-13 21:42:15

5 years ago dbil gambled over £15,000 of his redundancy money before dsil found out. He got into trying to gamble to recover his loses and borrowed money from other family members to cover his tracks.

Dsil went ballistic when she found out. Gave him the choice, gamblers anon or her and their two sons would leave. She made it clear there were no second chances and she would not tolerate his addiction.

Dbil started GA and hasn't gambled since. He does not want to lose his family. As recommended by GA he has no access to money/bank cards etc and dsil gives him only money he needs. He is not resentful of this as he has accepted he has a problem.

They have paid off his debts together.

5 years on and their marriage has survived.

To get through something like this I think your dh has to accept he as a problem and come completely clean with how much he gambles. If your dh won't accept he has a problem and won't take serious steps to resolve it you need to consider if you will stay and put up with it.

Good luck.

I think I'd have given him another chance as well OP. Just one though. If this were me & DH & he did it again it would be the end, no further chances, we have a young child as well. I gave him a flat ultimatum several years ago on another matter (drink & drugs) & he knows damned well if he ever goes beyond reasonable behaviour drink wise, or ever touches drugs again, it's the end for us. He never has so far (it's been about six years) so people can sometimes change if they want to enough.

Questioneverythingtwice Wed 12-Jun-13 22:39:24

The thing is, I can't handle the idea of my child growing up in a house without a father. Also I'm the main breadwinner and I own the house in my name only. So not a major risk whatever he does.

I think he is genuinely remorseful and relieved to have it all out in the open. Believe me, I will not let him have any privacy going forward to make sure nothing gets worse.

Trouble is that I have had a sneaky feeling something wasn't right for a long time but I have asked him and asked him and he has denied and I have just carried on and buried my head in the sand so I feel like I'm partially responsible too.

AnyFucker Wed 12-Jun-13 22:44:49

This isn't going to work out, OP

Everything you have just said in your last post is so wrong and so counterproductive I don't even know where to start sad

Questioneverythingtwice Wed 12-Jun-13 22:46:45

And of course I do really love him despite everything.
We went through so much to achieve a successful pregnancy and our child is so delightful. I couldn't bear it if I couldn't make this family work.

2kidsintow Wed 12-Jun-13 22:48:25

Walk away????

My friend's husband managed to remortgage their £200+ house, then still couldn't stop and raided the school fund for a further £50k+ before he was discovered and arrested.

She was devastated.

Questioneverythingtwice Wed 12-Jun-13 22:49:21

I wish you would try to start AF because I truly don't understand your point of view

AnyFucker Wed 12-Jun-13 22:56:50

Go to some Gamblers Anonymous meetings, OP. We cannot tell you how it is going to be, because you need to hear it from people who have been there

You are minimising and excusing him. You say you can't bear your child to grow up in a house without its father. If it was up to its father, that house would be mortgaged out from under the child to feed an addiction

Payday loans...seven of them ? That tells me there is serious lack of impulse control. You cannot stop him, you cannot control him, you must take no blame.

These are his choices and you are lucky so far. Sweep it under the carpet, you will regret it. Micro managing him for the rest of his life is not the answer. Taking away his privacy, once the shock has settled, will make him resent you and slowly kill your respect for him that you have to control his impulses like a toddler.

He is a practised liar, OP, and a few crocodile tears are not going to change that. I see nothing in your posts about how he is taking responsibility for himself

As it stands, you are shouldering at all and he is the cowed little boy (for now)

sanityawol Wed 12-Jun-13 22:57:12

Please be very careful. It was only on separating from exH that I discovered just how bad things were as I started getting post addressed to me. Money was borrowed in my name without my knowledge.

We split 8 years ago. The end is finally in sight for me as I have just five more payments to make and that's the last personal loan cleared. My credit history is screwed though.

What I should have done is report him for theft and credit card fraud, but I was just relieved to be out of the marriage.

He would also cry when caught in a lie... Didn't stop him though, or stop him spending money we didn't have. The tears were always because he had been caught, not guilt or remorse for what he had done.

If he has secret online accounts and payday loans I would suggest that you get your current credit reports to make sure that his behaviour is not affecting your credit file.

LisaMed Wed 12-Jun-13 23:03:28

The house may have your name on the deeds but it is an asset of the marriage. Should you split, and if you are married, he would have a claim. btw you may like to check your own credit files to see if anything has been opened in your name and close any joint accounts and sever any financial links. It may be worth checking his credit file out as well. Those payday loans are vicious.

Make sure you know where all your jewellery and valuables are and be really careful about your own cards and passwords. Hide any valuable that has sentimental value as well.

Check out the rules for bailiffs and what they can and cannot do and what they can and cannot take.

I think he means every word of what he has said to you now, but addiction is a dreadful thing. You may yet find other financial stuff and even if you don't you will have your hands full with the payday loans. Please protect yourself and your child.

LisaMed Wed 12-Jun-13 23:04:20

Forgot to say - good luck and hope it works out for you.

MrsFrederickWentworth Wed 12-Jun-13 23:11:22

Echo the point about addiction. He has to want to change. And that means going to Gam An.

And get legal advice, on the current and future position. You may need to do things like take out ads saying you are not responsible for his debts. You need to see his and your bank.

Think of it as a disease that only really amazing effort on his part can cure. You can still love him bit you need to protect your child and yourself.

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