Need some advice please

[overture]

Hello!
Asking for some thoughts and advice please.

My DH has not talked to his DF in over 10 years. This is not due to his lack of not wanting to speak to him, as he does, especially recent years.
I've lost several of my extended family to cancer over the past 5+years and this has affect my DH very much and its brought a reality to the lack of relationship with his DF, and even DF extended family.

A quick back history. DH's DM was fed up with DF, as he was controlling and had she'd had enough. His DF did not want the divorce and literally went mad for a time, Think he had a break down of sorts. DH remember DF hair went white over the course of months due to the stress. Their marriage wasn't the best, DH remember many arguements.

DH parents had a very nasty lead up to their divorce, both DPs wanted custody of DC and they were basically made to choose who they wanted to live with.
His DF was so upset that their DC chose to go with DM His DM told them their DF wanted them sign a paper saying they would never see him again.
DH was just a teen he didn't know what to do and just did what he was told. :(

DH has wanted to make contact with DF for years, not only was he afraid to by reject of DF, but his DM has in so many words told DH she doesn't want him to make contact with DF, including DF extended family. DM said she would be very upset if he did and made DH feel she herself would disown him.

So up until this last Christmas he has not tried, but because our DC are getting older and their understand what GPs are, he's feeling he needs to start trying to reach out, even though it may cause problems with his DM if she found out.

DH at Christmas wrote a beautiful letter to his DF telling him he missed him and wanted him in his life, included that he had DW and DC etc. He's gutted he's not heard anything back.

I've told DH I will do anything he wants including going to meet his DF myself, He thinks he'd just slam the door in my face. I don't know that he would, and if he did then we tried.
DH just doesn't know what to do at this point, he is too afraid of the rejection if he showed up at his DF door, he just can't do it. He nearly bottled it when he put the Christmas card and letter on his DF door Christmas eve(late at night). I really think my DH thought he'd hear from his DF by now.

I suppose my question is what should I do if anything?? I've not met him and I honestly wouldn't have a problem just driving to his home and introducing myself.
Or write a letter including photos of our DC and also letting him know we've moved house. Would either be too much of a shock or inappropriate??
Would I just be sticking my nose in? I don't want to make this situation worse for my DH, I am very sad for him....

We watched the new Tron movie and at the end when the father dies my DH went to pieces, I've never seen my DH cry. He said it made him think of his DF....

I know what I'd like to do, but it may not be the proper thing to do, and I would love to be able to help if I can, but should I.... :(

Many thanks for reading
apologies for any typos have a crackin headache along with pmt...no doubt its a mess.

[jessjessjess]

Others may disagree, but I think you shouldn't try to make contact on DH's behalf. I think you are both understandably clinging to the idea that something will get through to him but effectively your DH is just getting hurt over and over every time he is rejected.

I recommend you don't keep encouraging him to make contact but instead focus on what is effectively a grieving process, for what your DFIL hasn't been and may never be. Perhaps consider counselling for your DH.

I'm sorry, this is a really sad situation but it doesn't seem like it's going to change.

[overture]

DH's only gave his DF the one card/letter @ Christmas. That was his first and only attempt of contacting his DF. You think DH should just give up after that one attempt?

I don't actually encourage him or bring it up. DH maybe once or twice a month since Feb says something along the lines of..."should let his DF know we've moved incase he is trying to find me or wants to talk". It's only at that point we have usually a quick word about it.

Thank you Jess for you thoughts on it.

[FlatsInDagenham]

Poor bloke. Sounds like his parents (both of them) handled the split terribly and never once considered what was best for the children. If this man was actually angry at his DS for not choosing him back then - so angry that he cut his teenage DS out of his life forever - then frankly I'd say your DH would be better off without him in his life. His DM is just as bad. Why should the poor guy have to be punished forever, by both of them, no matter what he chooses, just because their marriage failed? It's just cruel.

Having said that, I think you should do whatever your DH wants you to do and support any decision he makes, but not encourage him one way or the other. It's his issue, and an incredibly personal and painful one at that. Your role in thid situation is to be there for him in whatever capacity he asks.

I don't think you should contact him yourself.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I've been in a very similar situation in the past with my exH and his estranged DF. To cut a very long story short, exH spent about 15 years completely chewed up by his DF's rejection (his DM had died... wasn't even an acrimonious divorce situation) and there was something of a death-bed reconciliation in the end which I don't think actually resolved anything. ExH remained very bitter and, as far as I know, still is.

My opinion therefore is that there is no easy answer to this and all you can do is support your DH in whatever direction he wants to take. However, I would caveat that by saying that action ... even if he is subsequently rejected again ... is probably better than the inaction and prevarication that has him crying at movies.

[overture]

Yes, I agree Flats neither of his parents handled this well with their DC. I think I agree that I need to be there, and I've tried, I feel sometimes when he's particular down about this situation, I want to help him in anyway on his behalf. But then I get worried and think I could make this a lot worse.

Thank you Cogito You're right there is no easy answer I think I tend to agree that action is better than inaction. We know what the latter will prove to be.

I think I will wait until he brings up his DF again and try to have abit more of a discussion of what he'd like to do. :( Just really confused for him.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If it helps, the discussion I had with my exH in the end centred around 'what is the worst that could happen?' In his case the dilemma was whether to go see his DF in the hospital or not. He finally decided that the worst that could happen was to see him and risk another rejection. He reasoned that rejection would be easier to live with than staying away, his Dad croaking, and then face a lifetime torturing himself with 'what ifs' and regrets. Your DH may decide the exact opposite, of course.

[overture]

I feel terrible for your exH that even though he seen his DF he's still bitter. :( Do you think it helped him at all to see him, or was being rejected for so long what caused more bitterness?

I don't think my DH is bitter yet but its a very sore subject and I don't bring it up unless he starts the conversation about it.

Thank you so much Cogito it help hearing from a similar situation. I really hope it doesn't take such a situation as what you exH had to deal with to bring around an reunion for my DH and his DF.

Thanks again for you thoughts

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sadly, my exH was someone who actively sought things to feel bitter about.... :) So he got good mileage out of the rejection and equally good mileage out of the reunion. His 'tortured soul' persona turned out to be somewhat contrived and, once I stopped falling for it, he looked elsewhere for a mug to listen to his woes. But I digress.

From your description, your DH sounds rather more emotionally mature and I'm sure it was difficult for him to write that letter. When faced with a difficult parent it's so tempting to fall into the role of rejected & powerless child rather than what he is ie. a respected & powerful adult. There's nothing stopping him knocking on the door except his own perception of himself. It's a tough one to raise but I think, if his unhappiness is affecting your family, you're entitled to express concern and see where it gets you.

[Lavenderhoney]

Overture, that's so sad- are you absolutely sure your dh df lived in the house he left the letter at? And that he would have received it? If he just left it on the door, there are some awful people about who may have thought it was money and stolen it round Christmas.

Your dh could try again with a letter or an email? Do you have any mutual friends that coud mediate? Other relatives perhaps?

[LookingThroughTheFog]

Overture, I'm so sorry. It sounds to me as though he's been badly let down by both of his parents.

Personally, I think he might be better off putting his energy into some sort of counselling, helping him come to terms with that, than trying to change either one of them.

[overture]

Cogito I'm sorry things ended for you and you exH as they did. I really appreciate you sharing you and your exH experience, reading you're responses has help just understanding what he maybe he is experience and ways for me to help more. Thank you :)

Lavenderhoney I'd never ever even considered he'd not received the letter, and it was indeed left outside his door. :( No way to email his DF but I could offer DH the idea that possibly never received it. No mutual friends I'm afraid, as he has not seen any of his DF extended family since before divorce, and his DM has cut off her own siblings do too rows years ago and also doesn't any to do with her own DF due to other drama.
In essence he has no family but her and his siblings. DH and his siblings haven't seen any extended family since young childhood.
It really is heartbreaking, I find it shocking. When my DH met my family he did not understand what cousins, that my siblings were called in law, NO understanding of family dynamics. It angers me abit he was robbed of this.

looking I agree, but whether he will agree I will see.

Thank you so much ladies for you responses, its help a lot.

[overture]

Spoke to my DH last night, and brought up possibility that DF perhaps did not receive letter.
He also had not consider this, he plans to write another letter to his DF and will post it this time.
Thank you again for taking the time to share your thoughts.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have a feeling that his father did receive the letter but has chosen to ignore its contents. This man chose not to make contact with yourselves; frankly his dad does not deserve you in his life.

I would have to agree with FlatsinDagenham and JessJessJess's responses. Both his parents have let your H down abjectly; his father rejected him years ago and his mother has also not been above using emotional blackmail herself.

You have yourself fortunately come from a family unit unlike his so I would follow his lead on this and not do anything further yourself to try and contact his dad. In this case I would not be writing any more letters; his dad has also shown no inclination over the years to try and contact yourselves.

[overture]

I think he wants to write one more letter, in the off chance that he didn't receive it.

I agree and feel fortunate that I've not had to deal with what my DH has. I also agree his DF should have made contact with him, its so very sad.
I think DH feels he needs to post another, just in case, perhaps more for his own mindset. Only time will tell. Thank you Attila for your thoughts.