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Headf**k boyfriend who I sadly love....HELP

(93 Posts)
waddlecakes Sat 08-Jun-13 12:03:56

I've been seeing him for a little under a year and it's always been difficult. He has mental problems and in April went into a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks.

The past two months have been good and I really thought we were moving forward.

Yesterday afternoon I went round as planned and he was having an ''off'' day. We were supposed to watch the tennis. We essentially spent 6 hours straight arguing, him saying he ''doesn't know how to be in a relationship'', he doesn't know what to do with me, how to feel. He has no job and hasn't for a good few years (we're in our late twenties). His family basically are too scared to isolate him and so they tiptoe around him trying to make life as comfortable as possible. We have the same GP - yesterday he went to see her, looking to be referred to some specialist doctor, and our GP told him he needed to get a grip on life and stop thinkjng he was unique, because people aren't. That shook him and I suppose it's what kicked him into havng a 'bad day'. He was really sullen and introspective when I arrived, I had to try and get him out of the house. We kissed and then he tried to drag me into the bedroom (it sounds scary, but what I mean is he really wanted to get 'it on', but I could sense an aggression to it that made me realize somewhere in the back of my mind that doing it then would have been about him releasing tension and not really about sex, and so I refused and continued trying to get him out the house).

I've never been anything other than loyal and supportive to him. Our argument started because although he was generally being difficult, there came a point where he made a ''joke''. Can't remember what the context was but he said: ''I haven't given a shit about your feelings for awhile now''.

He said he probably has some sort of Madonna/whore complex, he doesn't understand what I'm doing with someone who is so useless in life and in bed (premature ejaculation issues). He said he was only capable of seeing me in three different ways - sometimes as magical and wonderful, other times he doesn't even think of me at all, and then sometimes just as a sex object. He said he wanted to tell me things he'd never told anyone before...then he broke down and said he ''hadn't been honest'' with me. He said when we first met, he was supposed to be involved in something with another woman. A woman who lives in Norway, who is also ''crazy'', who three years ago he thought could have ''been'' something to him. When he met me, they had been exchanging letters, but then he fell under ''my spell'' and realized that she was just an illusion in a way, that none of it was real. He said they had continued writing to each other until this April.

That's when I started crying. Maybe I overreacted because he never promised me anything and I suppose I always knew that he could never fully be mine, and I too had been tying up loose ends with a guy (casual) when we first met...but coupled with everything else, it just seemed like a lot. I got up and walked to the door but he wouldn't let me leave, he wanted to finish the discussion. I told him he had so little going on in his life that he was trying to suck emotion out of creating drama like this, and I also told him that I'd noticed that yet again he was handing in his notice for his most recent job (lasted 2 days in it) and was also handing in notice for his flat (his plan is to sleep at various friends), so I told him he was probably trying to get rid of me as well to justify having some big massive breakdown.

This went on for hours. We went to bed, had sex and went to sleep, he didn't touch me all night, same in the morning. In the morning he disappeared to get food but I felt so drained I waited for him for 5 minutes and then just decided to leave. As I was leaving he came back in and told me ''not to leave like this'', he had stuff for breakfast, etc. I told him I just wanted to get home. Then he said: ''Let's go to the lake tomorrow'' (where we go swimming).

I'm so confused. I love him so much and it's been an unsure thing since the very beginning because of his issues - I've never been allowed to get closer than the point he decides on. But it really felt like things were getting better...I just don't understand why he's trying to hijack things now, and why he didn't just let me leave when I wanted to, or why he didn't just finish things. What the fuck does he want from me?

I'm sorry this is so epic, I needed to get it out. If anyone can offer me insight on this I'd be grateful (any direct conversation about it with him is completely impossible), or if anyone has been in a similar situation. Don't tell me to just forget about him, I can't.

LilyontheLeaf Sat 08-Jun-13 12:20:40

I have a couple of friends in relationships with men who have severe MH issues.

It has always annoyed me that some people use MH issues to treat their loved one like shit.

Being depressed doesn't make you a wanker. Being a wanker makes you a wanker.

The question is - are you happy?

waddlecakes Sat 08-Jun-13 12:26:40

I was happy until yesterday morning since as I say things were getting better and I was beginning to feel secure.

If he wanted it to end he'd only have to say - he knows that I won't make it difficult for him if he wanted out.

But I don't have the strength to end it myself, because I love him.

I agree about the MH as an excuse thing. I just don't understand why he's doing this and what he wants from me.

RandomMess Sat 08-Jun-13 12:27:42

I would in all honesty get some counselling for yourself. Is the reason you desperately love him etc because you need someone to rescue?

maleview70 Sat 08-Jun-13 12:35:21

He doesn't understand why you are with him.

To be frank neither do I.

You are wasting your life. Don't allow that to go on any longer. I know someone in their 40's who has 2 kids with a bloke like this. He spends half the day in bed, hasn't worked for 15 years and threatens to top himself almost daily. She hates him but feels guilty because of the kids.

You dont have kids so end it, mourn your lost love and move on.

LilyontheLeaf Sat 08-Jun-13 12:39:36

Loving someone is not a reason to stay with them.

Some parts of your post make me so sad "he said he hadn't given a shit about my feelings for a while now". Well, that much is clear from the way he behaves. It's so sad that you think that is OK.

The reason it has been "unsure from the beginning" is nothing to do with the MH issues - it's him. He wants to keep you on a leash, but not offer anything in return.

You are worth so so much more than him. You have the right to expect a partner who is 100% committed to you.

Being in a relationship makes you give up all the joys of being single - being able to do what you like, see who you like, take your life in whatever direction you want.

To give that all up and compromise - it better be someone seriously wonderful. Is he really it?

Love yourself and you will love being by yourself. Do you have close family / friends in RL?

Sianilaa Sat 08-Jun-13 12:42:58

Sorry, why are you still with him? He's been pretty honest and says he hasn't given a shit about you for a while. Why did you have sex with him when he'd been vile to you all day and made you cry?

You do not want to wake up in 10 years time and still be here, happy one day, confused the next but with children because then you'll never leave.

Mental health issues aside, this man is a waste of space. He will never change, never hold down a job, never put you first. He will only ever think of his own needs. How will he be a good, stable parent and husband?

You deserve better. A real man doesn't play mind games, prioritises his partner and acts like he's part of a team IME. There are men out there that would love you, treat you right, build a life with you.

Please don't waste another day with this one! As someone said, mental health issues don't mean you get to treat your partner like shit. He is a bad apple.

waddlecakes Sat 08-Jun-13 12:47:49

Thanks for your replies, I suppose I can see why I might be latching on to this.

First of all, I have been living abroad for quite a few years now and over the past year have really felt like I wanted to move back to the UK. I have my friends here, but a part of me has sort of ''checked out'' over the past few months as deep down I want to leave. I suppose this ''relationship'' was the thing that had been giving me some hope.

Second of all, it's such a cliche, but in fact I had a father who I only ever saw three or four times in my life. It's a bit sick, but he is essentially rhe same person and I suppose I can't cope with feeling that rejection twice.

What a mess.

Lweji Sat 08-Jun-13 13:43:06

Yes, what a mess.
You've been together less than a year, no children, don't even live together.
It should be pretty simple to finish it off.

You don't need this drama.

All you have to do is decide it's over.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Jun-13 13:47:31

I'm not seeing 'love' here, just a type of dependent infatuation which he is engineering & manipulating through his 'head-fuck' antics. Rejecting you and pulling you close in turn is emotional abuse designed to smash your confidence. The only cure for this is to take a break from him and keep your distance long enough to unhook yourself mentally. You're not obliged to him, you owe him nothing and you could just as easily love someone else.

chipmonkey Sat 08-Jun-13 17:32:26

It's less than a year and you're miserable. Think how miserable you'll be after 20 years. And how miserable your children will be. Just walk away, he's told you what he's like, you need to believe him!

NotDavidTennant Sat 08-Jun-13 17:47:52

But if you set it up so that you won't leave unless he tells you to, then there is no way for this to end other than for you to be rejected.

Take the power back and walk away of your own choice.

wordyBird Sat 08-Jun-13 18:03:11

Oh dear...I wondered what had made you attach to a man like this. It's such a waste: you're young, you sound like a lovely, kind person with a sense of adventure, and you're giving your love to a man who has explicitly told you he doesn't care. At all.

He stopped you leaving when you wanted to (big red flag) and wanted to use you for sex (another red flag). And he's actually told you his distorted views about you - none of which are healthy and respectful of you as a person.

There is nothing good here for you. Only pain now, and more pain later.

If you want live back in the UK, make the break and do it. Be brave and get away!

Undertone Sat 08-Jun-13 18:12:33

Man. I have been there. Believe me. No matter how engrossing and touching his emotional drama is, no matter what a thrill and a deep burning sense of pride you feel at 'being there' for him, no matter that every now and then your sheer compassion and reserves of energy let this guy stay ok for 2 months; he is bad news. Very bad.

MH issues aside, he is electing to treat you this way. It's a shock, because you've invested so much into him, that it is almost impossible to believe he would do this to you. He is.

Demand more of someone that you love unquestionably. Demand more for yourself. Don't settle for so very, very little. His family find him hard to deal with? They've had a lifetime to try and help him.

You side in your op that you "can't" forget him. Without sounding too harsh; bollocks. This is a flawed and poisonous emotional connection. Not The Greatest Love Of All Time. No such thing as can't. Grip it and live a better life. Without him being a cruel millstone.

Lweji Sat 08-Jun-13 18:21:46

Yes, about the "not forgetting", you are used to him.
You will notice his absence.
You may miss the adrenaline rushes.
But you will forget him, if you create distance.

lemonstartree Sat 08-Jun-13 19:45:34

RUN ; please please RUN AWAY. this man is a waste of space and will never treat you appropriately, Just let him go ...

bigkidsdidit Sat 08-Jun-13 19:53:24

Why, after he was so horrible to you, did you have sex with him? I find that difficult to understand. I don't think you should settle for this crap treatment.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sat 08-Jun-13 19:56:35

This man is a nightmare. You cannot 'save' him. Only he can do that.
You sound lovely, but get the hell out, build your own life and leave him to sort his shit out. You cannot fix him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Jun-13 08:01:08

" We kissed and then he tried to drag me into the bedroom (it sounds scary, but what I mean is he really wanted to get 'it on', but I could sense an aggression to it that made me realize somewhere in the back of my mind that doing it then would have been about him releasing tension and not really about sex, and so I refused and continued trying to get him out the house)."

BTW This ^ ^ ^ ^ is just nasty. Any hint of aggressive sexual behaviour should be a big alarm bell, even if it's dressed up as 'passion' and especially if you think you've become 'tension relief'. It's quite the opposite of loving and affectionate behaviour and it sounds scary because it is.

bleedingheart Sun 09-Jun-13 08:24:35

I think you need to look at why you felt you needed to stay in the house arguing for six hours and didn't walk out after the initial argument/hurtful words.
Please don't throw your life away on someone who is telling you through words and deeds that he doesn't give 'a shit about your feelings.'
He is not your dad. Reject him, don't hang around trying to save him until he latches on to someone else.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but it won't get better. He has told you what he thinks of you, please think more of yourself.

MadBusLady Sun 09-Jun-13 08:38:32

What does he want from you? He wants exactly what you're giving him, all your worry and emotional investment and heartbreak and being caught up in his bullshit drama. He's hurting you and confusing you because he likes it; all the while you're logically assuming this relationship has to either stabilise and become normal and nice, or end, he is assuming no such thing. He doesn't want a straightforward nice relationship and is practically telling you that in so many words, but he won't want to let you go either because then who could he hurt and confuse? The only way forward is to push him away.

MadBusLady Sun 09-Jun-13 08:39:03

What does he want from you? He wants exactly what you're giving him, all your worry and emotional investment and heartbreak and being caught up in his bullshit drama. He's hurting you and confusing you because he likes it; all the while you're logically assuming this relationship has to either stabilise and become normal and nice, or end, he is assuming no such thing. He doesn't want a straightforward nice relationship and is practically telling you that in so many words, but he won't want to let you go either because then who could he hurt and confuse? The only way forward is to push him away.

MorrisZapp Sun 09-Jun-13 10:24:21

What they all said. Don't waste your freedom, your youth and your energy on day-long arguments that go round and round. Love isn't meant to be painful or a chore. He does not love you, sorry. He wants to carry on as he is, being danced around and treated as special. It's all him. Get him binned while its still early days, there will be no improvement if this nonsense carries on. Good luck xx.

Lavenderhoney Sun 09-Jun-13 10:31:22

You answered yourself in your thread title. His behaviour is not loving and caring, he tells you himself he doesn't care for you.

Being sadly in love is no place to be. One of you has to stop it, he is behaving like this and you take it. You are worth far more than that.

There's no need for a big talk, the outcome will be the same , and it will exhaust and depress you if you just hear all over again how he doesnt care for you. it's over- so just collect your things, leave and break contact. If you have arranged a stay with a friend so much the better, or a trip back to the UK.

stickthekettleon Sun 09-Jun-13 10:46:47

This man can never right the wrongs your father did. You a) expect this as it replicates your childhood and b) think you deserve it. You have no closure from your childhood and a lot of unresolved issues and unanswered questions around that. You're looking to make this man love you to remedy the love you didn't receive from your father as a child.

I understand something of this and empathise. What you have to try and do is separate other people's failings (your father's and your partner's) from yourself. People are who they are. Whatever you do. Your father was absent because of who he was, it was not your fault. But because he was your father and you were just a child you couldn't rationalise that or choose anything other than wanting and needing his love and acceptance. But now you're an adult. You don't need to do that anymore. You have insight to understand people's shortcomings and separate them from yourself.

Much love xx

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