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Relationships

Why, why, why??!!! Why couldn't he answer a simple question????

56 replies

Yearofme · 06/06/2013 20:59

Just posted in pregnancy loss as is coming up to what should of been my due date and this has dredged up lots of feelings. I'm starting a thread here because didnt think this part of it would be ok on that board iykwim?

Brief background:
Me and XDP planned baby, I got pregnant, at 12 week scan find out baby has disability incompatible with life, had a TFMR. I struggled with the desiscion, but it was anacephaly so baby would have died a few hours after birth or been still born later in pregnancy, so felt I had no choice.

Now I can see XDP was incredible EA, he said horrible, degrading things about myself and DD.
Gas lighting, compulsive lying, re writing history, stonewalling, he had all of those lovely qualities.

But the thing that infuriates me the most, is that, after the termination, he was fine. I then got ill, seriously ill. And it was like a light switch went off in his head, he was so cruel.

I had to call my own ambulance twice, he refused to call it for me, then shouted at me for waking him up (he was sleeping on the sofa as he refsused to sleep in the bed with me once i got ill) he hid my phone chargers when I could barely move so my phone ran out of battery and left me home alone while I was heamorraghing (sp) and had serious infection. (if my mum didnt happen to come round have a key I'd be dead) he didnt even care about this, it took him 12 hours to come to the hospital when I was rushed in.

Everyday while I was ill I had a variation of
I love you but I'm not in love with you, I'm leaving you
I'm don't want to be with you anymore I'm not happy blah blah blah, when I called him on it and said leave then, he refused.

Another time I had a heavy bleeding episode and he shut me in the bathroom and went to bed when I was in and out of consciousness.

Another time I was heavily bleeding, I mean heavily heavily, and he started having sex with me, I was crying, he stopped, slapped me ro

The last thing that happened was that, He said he wished it would of been my DD that had been terminated then got angry when I wouldnt agree Sad I cried and cried when he said that and told him to leave, he said refused, then apologised, then spent about an hour telling me:

how he was better than me in everyway
how his family hated me
how my life was shit without him,
how it was my fault (the anacephaly)
How he was glad he didnt waste his life on me
And that he was LEAVING ME because he wanted to go to the pub and live with him mum.

then left me while screaming at me that I'd dumped him, he left Shock Angry Hmm

Thank for for bearing with me!!

I didn't hear from him for 6 weeks, he then turned up with all sad and down, saying how heartbroken he was how he cried everyday and missed me and wasn't happier without me.

I then asked him, ok so why did you behave the way you did?

He has no answer, he just said I don't know, I gave him examples (like the situations above) and he just said, I don't know. And left.

I deleted his number and got on with my life but now it's nearly my due date, this is making me furious.

Why would someone treat anyone they were supposed to have loved like that when they was ill? Why be ok after the termination then go bat shit when I was ill? Why why why? I know this is pointless, and I need to let it go, but it infuriates me, if he gave me a reason I'd be fine.
But he never did.

If I'm missing anything, if the reason is glaringly obvious, please say, I'm really struggling with it all today Sad

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Yearofme · 06/06/2013 21:01

Sorry *Another time I was heavily bleeding, I mean heavily heavily, and he started having sex with me, I was crying, he stopped, slapped me round the face, then carried on Sad

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WeGotTheKrunk · 06/06/2013 21:09

Hi YearOfMe. Sorry to hear you're having a bad time at the moment.

Your ex sounds like a real charmer. I know you're having a shit time trying to make sense of it all now, but believe me you are better off without him.

He sounds like a nasty, self-obsessed piece of shit to be honest. He sounds like the type who gets a kick out of belittling and abusing people those closest to him. He's not going to want to admit that, of course (it reflects even more poorly on him than the things he's already done), so that's probably why he would never tell you that - even if he could admit it to himself. But the truly self-obsessed can never reach these sorts of realisations about themselves. It's much better for them if they can say "I don't know", or blame everybody but themselves.

I think the way forward to you is just to accept that he's a total knob, try to separate from him (emotionally as well as physically) as much as you possibly can, surround yourself with good friends, and try to think about him as little as possible. In time, you'll feel stronger.

I really feel for you. Hope things get better xx

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Somethingtothinkabout · 06/06/2013 21:09

This is awful. Truly awful. Sometimes I strongly agree that the universe is trying to tell us something.

I think the message about this man is Crystal clear. Be thankful you escaped him and any hold he would have on you. It doesn't matter what answer he gave you really, does it. Nothing would ever justify what he did.

I'm sorry for your loss.

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ImperialBlether · 06/06/2013 21:11

I'm so sorry you've gone through all that - it sounds absolutely horrific and I can absolutely understand this is a traumatic time for you.

However, your ex was completely and utterly awful. Really, he's so bad that I find it hard to believe he doesn't need treatment of some kind. He is just about the worst I've heard about on here. Disgusting.

Thank god you are rid of him. Thank god your little girl doesn't have to be near him. The future is brighter now he's not in it.

Look after yourself and your daughter. Could your doctor arrange some sort of counselling to help you cope with your due date? Take care. xx

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MadamFolly · 06/06/2013 21:12

What a complete arsebastard!

You are well rid. He treated you like that because you were vulnerable and he was an abuser. Abusers show their true colours in situations like this.

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TallyGrenshall · 06/06/2013 21:16

Because he's a cunt.

He waited until you were ill before showing you how much of a cunt he is. If it wasn't for the termination, he probably would have waited until you were heavily pregnant and then showed you.

Because he wanted you to be in a position of 'weakness' and a situation where he could manipulate you into feeling helpless and trapped.

That's my guess anyway. You will never get a reason or an explanation from him.

Have some un-mumsnetty You have been through so much in a fairly short space of time

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wannabedomesticgoddess · 06/06/2013 21:17

Have you spoken to anyone? Have you had counselling after losing your baby?

I am so sorry for your loss, and that this has happened to you. That monster raped you when you were losing his child. Its horrific.

I really think you need to get some counselling to help you come to terms with it all. The abuse he subjected you to, words fail me. He should be in prison tbh. Hes sick.

Have you ever told anyone about the true extent of it?

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Growlithe · 06/06/2013 21:19

That sounds like rape to me. I don't think you should be trying to get him to answer your questions. You should put as much distance between you and him as you can.

You have been through a horrifically awful time and I think it would be a good idea to get some counselling too.

Here's to a better future. Flowers

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pigsDOfly · 06/06/2013 21:24

You won't get answers for your questions from him Year, because someone who acts that way and is as vile as he is wouldn't have the insight or the decency to even be able to frame the questions in his own head and come up with answers.

Your due date was never going to be an easy time to get through and if you have anyone who you can call on to support you in RL you need to take advantage of that.

You've got rid of him. You've shown yourself how brave and resourceful you are. You will get through the next few weeks.

Get yourself some post termination counselling, it's not too late. And speak to women's aid. There's so much support out there, you don't have to be alone.

There will be others along soon to give you better advice, but I didn't want to read and run.

You've come through so much, now's the time to start looking forward to the future with your DD.

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Yearofme · 06/06/2013 21:26

Thank you for your replies.

I've told one female friend about the sex thing, she didnt know what to say, I could feel she felt uncomfortable so I changed the subject. And I told my close male friend, I had to physically stop him going out my house to go and 'sort him out'.

He lives an hour away from me, which is good. I've redecorated my whole house, threw out everything he brought me etc etc.

I had counsilling, it did help in the way of seeing the pattern of my relationships and my self esteem. It lift a weight of my shoulders.

I do think that the universe tells you things, and I feel guilty about feeling that, because a small part of me still just wants to cuddle a babygro and cry.

I think he does need professional help, but he is the type to blame everyone else but himself.

I'm struggling to see how I would trust anyone again, or let myself be vulnerable in front of anyone again. How would I explain this to a future partner? Or just shouldn't I? I would need extra scans and prescription folic acid due to the anacephaly, how would I explain that if I did go on to have more children?

I feel guilty about introducing him to DD, at the beginning he was lovely and his family loved and accepted her. So did he at first.

I think it shocked me how badly he behaved, I didn't think he was capable of that. I didn't think any

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Yearofme · 06/06/2013 21:28

Any one was. I think that's whats shook me the most. That people are capable of that after hiding behind a seemingly nice 'front'

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tuffinmop · 06/06/2013 21:33

He has no answer to the question except to admit he is a bastard. Just leave x
so sorry about your baby x

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tuffinmop · 06/06/2013 21:35

Sorry, just re - read that you did leave. Good for you, well done and congratulate yourself for being a strong woman. Good times will come again x

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EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 06/06/2013 21:37

Why? Because he's a sociopath, by the sounds of it. A nasty, hateful individual with no soul. Sorry :(

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WitchOfEndor · 06/06/2013 22:12

Agree with Ehric your ex is a sociopath. Don't look to him for an understandable explanation, he can't give you one because he doesn't want to say " I did it because I felt like it and couldn't give a fuck about your feelings, I just do what suits me". So many people stick to relationships with arseholes like him because sometimes they are lovely and considerate. But again, this is just because it suits them at that time. It doesn't mean that they will stay like that and, because its all about them, there is nothing you can do or say to make them change. They are empty inside and wear their different behaviours like masks which can be discarded at any point.

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wannabedomesticgoddess · 06/06/2013 22:16

You have so many questions but I think right now you just need to try to take it slow.

He cant answer your question because he is a coward. But you need to work through needing it answered. It will take time to accept that you will never have answers.

As for the future, let yourself heal, let your mind come to terms with it all. Time will help, as will talking and getting support. When you meet someone new you will know what you want to tell them, and they will be a nice kind person who you will be able to tell. Its so raw now that you cant see it, but dont give up hope.

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Corygal · 06/06/2013 22:21

Fuck - that's aggravated rape and battery.

Well, asking how they do it is a pretty smart question. They have to appear normal in order to get away with it - if they came with a tattoo of SOCIOPATHIC SADIST you prob might get the picture before letting them in first.

Who knows why.

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pictish · 06/06/2013 22:22

I'm so sorry OP, your experience with this man was absolutely traumatic. He sounds like a psychopath to be honest...not that I'm an expert or anything...but I've done some reading, and that's what it sounds like to me.
Please look after yourself well.

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Yearofme · 06/06/2013 23:04

Thank you for your replies.
Some pei

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Yearofme · 06/06/2013 23:11

Sorry my fingers are fat today!!

  • I guess some people are just wired wrong. Accepting ill never understand why is something I need to work on.
    Since this happend (it's been 6 months since he left) I look at and treat people with suspicion. And that makes me really sad.
    I know I sound a bit wet, but I just didnt know people were capable of this.
    Growing up, I knew being cheated on was bad, being punched in the face was wrong.
    But this mental abuse, no one talks about it. I remember when it was happening, I was so ill and confused. I didnt understand at all. It's like my eyes are opened for the first time. And it frightens me.
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Wellwobbly · 06/06/2013 23:12

Thank God he is out of your life.

And, although i am so sorry for your loss, there is no permanent tie to this abuser that gives him a handle on you.

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Scarletohello · 06/06/2013 23:19

You need to keep away from this man and never let him near you again. Don't waste your energy on wondering why he did what he did. He is an abuser. In a way you have had a lucky escape. I found what you wrote distressing and chilling. There is support out there. Please access it for yourself, value yourself and take care of you. No one deserves to be treated like this. I'm so sorry and I hope you will meet someone who loves and cherishes you as you deserve. But in the mean time do that for you.

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ofmiceandmen · 06/06/2013 23:58

I may not have read the other responses fully but what ever happened to reporting his actions to the police.

I'm a man and seriously this cannot be allowed to just be ok. you cant let him go off and sort himself out.

I can't begin to imagine what you went through but...
Words fail me. Sorry

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wordyBird · 07/06/2013 00:38

I am so sorry for your loss, and that you've had such an awful experience.

I have to agree with ofmice. This is a very dangerous individual. He has abused you, committed rape, assaulted you, and twice left you dangerously ill and deliberately ensured you could not reach help.

I'm no lawyer but that looks like attempted murder to me, or a very close cousin. If you had the strength, the police ought to know, about all of it ... :(. .... But that must be your choice.

Have you spoken to any specialist help agencies, such as Rape Crisis, or Women's Aid. I know you've had counselling but this is severe abuse, and it might help to talk to people who understand.

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Bogeyface · 07/06/2013 02:19

Forget him. Focus on you. You need some help to deal with what happened. You are fixated on his inability to answer your question because you think it will give you closure, but it wont. It wont change what he did or how you feel about it.

Tbh it sounds like you might be suffering with PTSD, and you cant deal with that alone. Go to your GP and tell them what happened and ask for a referral.

FWIW, you sound incredibly strong and capable, but right now I think you need a bit of support to get you through this difficult time. When you are stronger you may be able to consider the legal avenues suggested above, but you must focus on getting yourself first. hugs xx

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