Had a meltdown last night (in my head)

[OhChristwhatsup]

Sorry, not sure if best place to post but relates to relationship with DH. Have NC.

Basically DH called to say he was going to be late home from work, I felt knackered with 8 month old DD, wanted him to give her tea etc, have a cold and generally felt crap.

I then started thinking how much my life feels like one endless drudge/groundhog day and got myself into a right state, with thoughts whirring round my brain about how I hate my life, my body etc. And then going onto how mind numbingly boring being a SAHM is and how my personality seems to have eroded into being a dull Mum, who meets with other Mums because that's the done thing but whilst doing that, feels a bit sad and unfulfilled :(

I felt awful for thinking these things (I love my DD more than anything) but the state got worse and worse. Thought to myself I have no real friends anymore (ones without kids assume you don't have much in common anymore) My body repulses me and I'm disgusting, so what's the point in trying, making an effort when I look a horrible, fat mess and have nothing interesting to say.

Sorry for the rantiness of this, just trying to explain my state of mind last night. DH comes home, is nice helpful etc asks me if he should start helping with weeknight feeds and I just say 'I'm not tired, just bored with my drudgy life' So after all the weird goings on in my head that I wanted to scream out - that's it.

We then settle into a tentative, general conversation and it's over. BUT...

I still have these awful feelings of boredom, sadness, resentment and massive, massive guilt (what a horrible Mum I am)

Where to do I go from here? DH does help out but I feel like I'm drowning, endlessly worrying about what I need when I take DD out etc and being responsible for all that stuff - he just tags along.

Thanks if you got this far, I'm going back to work in Oct - but I'm losing myself, what can I do?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Being a SAHM isn't for some people. I went back to work willingly when DD was 3 months - I just couldn't take being at home all the time.
Can you go back to work early? Maybe go back in July or something.
There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling, some mums just need their own space and their own things to do.
Get yourself some fitness DVDs and start doing those.
Never done it, but I understand the 30 day shred is a great one. 20 minutes only so easily fits in with your life.
Get your body back on track then get yourself back to work asap!
Be kind to yourself!

[KalevalaForMePlease]

I had exactly the same kind of meltdown when my DD was about that age. I think it's because all the adrenalin that got you through the first few months is gone, and all the helpers that were eager to give a hand have now assumed you're happily getting on with it.

You're thinking is it ever going to get easier? And it really does, I've found over the past few months that as DD is getting a bit more robust, sleeping better at night, happy to be out and about during the day, that I can do more.

And I had this low level anxiety, right from when she was born, that I had to be on guard and alert, because if I wasn't something would happen. That's easing off now too. Over the past few months (DD is 12 months now) I have joined a gym with a crèche, so I can have some me time. I used to hate the gym, now I like going because I get a break! I get out and about more, not just baby and toddler groups but a craft club, I meet up with friends etc. Not much but it feels like my life is starting to have more in it.

There is light at the end of the tunnel of baby drudgery, I promise! But don't feel bad about having a rant, and don't feel guilty. You're doing a great job!

[something2say]

I dont have children so forgive me if I am out of line BUT - surely this is a stage? You have a young baby, motherhood is brand new. No wonder you feel as you do!

But take heart. It won't be forever.

I would start with some exercise and diet. Diet mostly actually. Everything has to be natural that passes your lips. Nothing crap or processed. Your mood will then improve, as will your weight.

Eat something crap? Choose to look shit. Remember you do have control.

Also how about ending that parenting resentment. Make him pack the bag and if he forgets something, deal with it. Make him learn, by you removing the safety net (within reason of course.)

Can you take him up on his offer to help and leave the baby with him while you go out and do something for yourself - regularly? This will be good on many levels. Let him see about parenting. But also, allows you to get your groove back girl....you're going to need it......... x

This has been a huge life change and 8 short months to get used to it is nothing from what I have seen of friends.

[OhChristwhatsup]

Thanks all for responding. I do agree that its a stage but it's very hard at the moment. Feels like my personality, the real me is ebbing away.

Rowed with DH again last night, my Dad was coming over and he couldn't help do tea or change DD before as he was still working and I lost the plot.

I'm worrying myself how angry I'm getting, all the thoughts in my head are mad - I was thinking last night of telling him I can't do it anymore and that I would be moving into the spare room

Thankfully Dad turned up and diffused a possible slanging match.

All because I feel lonely, dissatisfied, unfit, unhappy, unattractive, no REAL friends (other Mum friends are nice but feels a bit artificial IYSWIM?)

Can't go back to work early as my cover is in place and CM can't have DD till Oct.

I know this sounds very self pitying but that's how I feel - and then I feel so cross and annoyed with myself, what a shit and ungrateful Mum I am. Love DD so much.

[Fragglewump]

As a mum I can guarantee that things get better!! Just focus on doing whatever makes you feel good and enjoy the summer with your baby! If you hate baby groups don't go! If you meet any mums you really connect with make more of an effort! Make a list of nice stuff to do so you have inspiration when you feel crap. Feeding ducks, swimming, sitting in the park etc. everyone feels fat ugly bored and frazzled after a baby. Cut yourself some slack and drink up all the experiences you can before you have to go back to work.

[FennCara]

8 months is definitely a stage. With both of mine I got completely overwhelmed at this point.

They need more: proper meals, more interaction, they realise they are separate beings and get separation anxiety. But they're still babies, in nappies, who need constant attention and can't talk or walk. 8 months is hard IME.

I would explain this to your DH.

October is not far off, do you enjoy your job?

[NumTumDeDum]

I remember that stage with dd. I'm nearly there again with ds who is 6 mo. I go through phases of being frustrated and feeling like I am isolated. I have a frump thread running in S&B as I happened to video myself for something and couldn't believe what I was seeing. You'll find a lot of like minded women at a similar stage to you over there, feel free to drop by.

[niceupthedance]

It is SO boring! I hear you OP. I got to 14 months and had to go to counselling as I didn't understand how to be (or want to become) 'a mum'. It's a really hard transition, in my opinion. Added to which you don't feel, and sometimes don't look, great.

If it helps, it does pass.

[Lweji]

I have to say that by 8 months I was already back at work and happy with it.

Is there a chance that you can go back earlier, or do some work to ease the transition? I think it's possible to do it now.

In any case, it is possible that you have depression (body image and so on), so it might be worth talking with your GP about it.

Finally, does your OH work long hours every day? Maybe he could make an effort to be home earlier.

[rootypig]

OP I feel just the same at the moment - I could have written your post. Except I am a ranting witch at DH and you sound lovely.

Where are you based?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Fresh air, get walking or running. Find a gym with a crèche. Sign up for something, you sound suffocated. Look into getting DD into a nursery or with a CM before you go back to work. Do you have a babysitter? Go out with DH too so you can just not be parents for a couple of hours.

[OhChristwhatsup]

Thanks again for responding, means a lot. To answer a few Qs

Fenn The job I'm going back to is with the same organisation as before but totally different as there was a major restructure while I've been off, so I'll be with mostly the same people - not sure if I'm going to like it or not but at the moment think it will be a good thing for me. Going back PT.

Num Forgive me, what's S&B? I may pop by.

Lweji Can't go back any earlier as cover is in place and my CM isn't available until Sept, I think I would probably speak to work about doing it otherwise. DH does work long hours and can be out all day or working from home, his job is becoming more stressful, so I feel worse for giving him added wife meltdown stress.

I Think depression is possible, I do feel like I need some help (and for the first time wonder if ADs might be a good idea) BUT don't want to put DH through all that again - going to docs, admitting it, making him worry and wonder if it's him.

Rooty - I'm in the South West, if you're around there, PM me and I'll be more specific :) Sorry to hear you're feeling the same and I'm being a witch to DH too, he doesn't know what's going on but then I can't fathom it out either

Donkeys you know what, you've found the exact word for it 'suffocated'. DH said to me last night ' I wonder if people who don't work look forward to holidays as much as people who do work?' And I thought, nope, they probably don't look forward to anything (which is how I feel)

Was my wedding anniversary yesterday and it was rubbish, DH is trying to be so nice and I'm a cow. Told him last night my life is 'mind numbingly boring' and he said ' well what can we don about that?' and I said, 'there's nothing we can do is there' so that's how much of an ungrateful, bitch I'm being.

I want to tell him I can't feel love, or joy or pleasure at the moment but I will break down :( :( :(

[OhChristwhatsup]

Sorry if I missed anyone nice* did counselling help?

[rootypig]

Ach I'm in London - just thought there was a chance you might be nearby and we could meet up.

You can't feel love, or joy, or pleasure - oh OP, this is me, too. If I'm not feeling rage, I am feeling numb. I felt briefly happy cycling through the park the other day, on a lovely sunny evening. It was a rare moment.

You say you've considered depression but don't want to seek help because of putting your DH through it. In the gentlest way, I think not getting help will be to put him through more. He might understand more than you think... can you find some relaxed time this weekend, and talk to him over a glass of wine?

I think I have mild PND. Or am just not happy with how my life has changed with DC - if that's different. DD is still not sleeping through, or anywhere near it, and that is so, so hard. At the moment think I can cope without ADs, and am trying a few strategies to improve my wellbeing. I know that I need time to myself when I feel unencumbered by the mind numbing cycle of domestic life. I don't have enough friends either, but am trying to organise outings with the ones I do. So far: hula hooping next week! and a cinema trip in the offing too. Haven't been since DD was born. What else? I'm doing a bit of freelance work and DH is taking LO more (he is freelance too, so I know I'm lucky in that regard) and pissing my earnings up the wall on clothes and shoes. Agree with whoever said exercise, especially as your body confidence seems to be low. Have you tried yoga? I love it, because it does so much for my mental state as well as physical. It's really calming. should really get my arse to a class then

I also think that this long, long winter has been so hard. Your LO was born around October? mine November. So we've had LOs at home for endless months. Now the weather is picking up I feel a bit more positive, and am trying to get to the park and lido to take advantage of it before eternal winter returns

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

What me time do you have? What do you do that's just for you and isn't taking care of DD or running the house?

[Lweji]

I want to tell him I can't feel love, or joy or pleasure at the moment but I will break down

Do it, even if you break down.

Keeping it from him may well compound to how you are feeling now.
And it will help him support you.
(speaking as the partner on the other side)

[Twattergy]

I felt exactly like you during maternity leave.the low level anxiety really got to me. You will go back to feeling like you when you return to work, which I did after a full year of mat leave. You realise that your life hadn't been taken away from you as it feels now.and you get a healthy separation from baby that lifts the anxiety.

[niceupthedance]

Whatsup, yes it did help. I went for three months. We looked a lot at comparing how exciting I believed life was before DC to actually how exciting it really was. Also how I could be me again with a small child, managing my expectations for fun and stuff. sounds a bit silly now but was a really big deal at the time. I didn't see anything to look forward to, didn't want to make 'mum friends' etc - just wanted my old life back.

I'm also in the south west, near Bristol - if you are near and want her details just pm me. She was great.

[BreeWannabe]

Saying that you can't feel love or joy etc... Those seem to be signs of depression and you should perhaps get yourself to the doctor for some help-as such feelings can be the result of chemicals over which you have no control. It's such a massive emotional change along with the worries and stresses... You're in a process of redefining yourself and it's so easy to feel like you've 'lost' yourself. But take heart that lots of people are telling you that they have felt the same way and have come out the other side. Getting back to work should help, and October isn't so far away. To use a cliche, try to take one day/part day at a time. You will be fine. :)

[NumTumDeDum]

S&B is the style and beauty section. C'mon over. Join the frumps on their journey to ditch mum boots and and smock tops and encourage each other to do some exercise post baby.

Re the other things you have described, it really does sound like depression and I'd second the advice to talk to your partner. But also try your health visitor mine gave me forms to self refer to counselling.

[greeneyed]

I thought all mums felt like this sometimes. I certainly did and still do sometimes and my DS is 4 and I am working. Groundhog day, everyone wanting a piece of you etc. it does get easier and you can start to do more things for yourself as they get older. Stop with the guilt it's nit obligatory to be happy and grateful all the time because you have a baby. It is bloody hard, sometimes relentless and miserable, accept the help on offer you don't have to do everything yourself.

Can you get out this weekend for a few hours to go shopping or for a long walk? Sometimes just being unencumbered for a few hours is so freeing. Take heart everything you are feeling is completely normal, you are not a bad mum

[OhChristwhatsup]

Thanks all, baked some BLW muffins earlier for DD and it actually helped to do something different plus I can't eat them!

Appreciate all your thoughts/comments.

Have to go, have stinking cold and off to bed soon. Tomorrow is another day.