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MIL and LONG <I know – sorry!>

(73 Posts)
firstpost Wed 05-Jun-13 17:10:16

My current situation is I have a DS 22 months and 8 months pregnant, DH is in the forces and away until November. My relationship with MIL has deteriorated from ?quite bad? to totally fucking awful since having DS. Bit of background certainly cannot itemise everything or will break Mumsnet!:-

She arrived 5 days after the birth (they live an aeroplane ride away) she tells me breast feeding made her feel sick, both her and FIL leaving the room or requiring me to leave the room everytime he wanted a feed. This was post C section so up and the down the stairs every five minutes. Every time I picked my tiny newborn up she would say ?you?re spoiling him? ?you?ll soon see, it?s your first you?ll learn? etc etc They went out most days requiring my DH to drive them ? I didn?t go as still sore from stitches and DS so tiny and feeding all the time.

A few months later on the way to a dinner dance wearing a dress and jewellery still pretty self conscious as carrying extra weight she turned to me, and said ?oh look Mummy is off to make some money tonight!?

She is racist, she knows full well I am not and that I will soon have a half Indian niece or nephew and uses this to bait me. Passing through our town ?oh its very black around here? ?oh its more pakkis here isn?t it? etc etc

My first trip to a shopping centre with DS around 4 months or so, she took the pram off me <fine> and we walked towards the lifts / escalators. Signs everywhere saying ?do not use pram on escalators? I am running after her telling her, please use the lift, louder and louder eventually she tips the pram and takes him on the escalator in the pram (not his pram, not really built for his size, not strapped in) and looks back victoriously saying ?I didn?t hear you!? She bloody did.

She objects to everything I do with DS, baby led weaning (whats wrong with spoon feeding) Co sleeping ?if he dies you will be arrested for murder? Steaming vegetables FFS! She has such a massive chip on her shoulder about anyone who she perceives as being posh or up themselves ? I am neither IMO.

So.. anyway she and 2 other GC came to stay just before DH left on tour. I am heavily pregnant and get Noro virus and am hideously ill a few days before they arrive, can?t keep down water have to have anti emetic injection am warned that as immune compromised I can re catch it so be careful with hygiene if anyone else in family gets it.

Anyway, one of the GC gets ill 2 days into the trip. She feeds them Calpol and croissants (you can imagine what happens next) I ask that the GC (9 yrs) use the toilet to be sick rather than the emergency bowl at her feet. MIL refuses and tucks her up on the sofa in the lounge. She is sick several times. It makes me feel ill being so recently recovered and I say nothing and go upstairs to bedroom.

GOD this is so long ? sorry!

Anyway the next day she leaves to go home. She rants all the way to the airport (DH driving them there without me) about how I made her feel unwelcome, I victimised the GC for being ill when it was my fault for giving it to them. My DH comes home, and let her rant and rave about me without tackling it, fails at any future opportunity to put forward the alternative POV ? EG ? me trying to look after unborn baby, and not being unreasonable in expecting a 9 yr old to use the loo to be ill.

There has been no contact between me and MIL since DH left in mid April. I do not want to visit them at Xmas with new baby. In fact if I never saw her again that would be delightful BUT I don?t have that option do I? We are stuck with each other. Do I get them to come over here? They have a 2 bed which would be squash with me, DH and 2 kids in one room so could use this as excuse.

Should I just tell her how I feel and lay it on the line ? eg let?s just suck it up and pretend to get on because otherwise my DH will miss out and so will you. Do I stop visiting in couple of years when DCs are older and could go with DH alone? Does this leave me vulnerable to her filling their heads with racist crap and horrid stuff about me?

I know that DH needs to be stronger.. He has failed so many times to stand up for me.. I know that he is scared to lose her altogether she has no qualms in cutting off family. She cut off her sister and her Mother for some time due to some petty issue or other. I just dread the day I have to be in the same room with her again and don?t know how to handle it. I don?t want to make my DH choose, I don?t want to take her crap anymore either. Is there a point where I do say her or me? So wise Mumsnetters .. Please tell me what the hell to do about Christmas visiting so I can stop stressing about it!

If anyone has actually read this far you deserve a medal smile

cocolepew Wed 05-Jun-13 17:15:04

Kill her.

Januarymadness Wed 05-Jun-13 17:16:53

Could you afford to go there and stay in a hotel using the excuse that 2 dc will be very noisy and you dont want to disturb. Then you have an escape and use ear plugs for the rest

Januarymadness Wed 05-Jun-13 17:17:37

Or what coco said

Loulybelle Wed 05-Jun-13 17:19:19

yeah, i go with coco's plan, she sounds like a nightmare.

Start putting your foot down now, since your DH is too chicken.

bowlingforsoup Wed 05-Jun-13 17:24:37

The award for the worst mother in law ever goes to yours.

I'm sorry I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.

I would put your cards on the table and just tell her exactly what you think. She won't like it but you are not in the wrong she is.

She sounds awful and i wouldnt let her best my DCs until she learned to keep her disgusting racist opinions to herself.

I feel for you op. my mil is similar but quite sneaky too. Can you talk to dh about her? Does he understand how she makes you feel? Will your dh be away when baby arrives?

LulaPalooza Wed 05-Jun-13 17:27:23

Refuse to go unless your DH puts his foot down with her.

Or what coco said.

Ladame Wed 05-Jun-13 17:27:58

As far as I know, Rhubarb leaves are an untraceable poison.

OrangeLily Wed 05-Jun-13 17:32:17

Don't go and see her. If you have to see her at yours if she decides to is it DH then make sure someone bolshy is always there such as a female friend who will speak up for you and not leave you alone with MIL ever.

firstpost Wed 05-Jun-13 17:34:38

Note to self .. Copying at pasting from word will make your post look odd smile thanks for support sometimes I do feel like I am going mad! I think the hotel idea is great but dh says that will make a bad situation worse ..

Does anyone think a big confrontation would do any good ? Clear the air perhaps ? With a new baby due next month and currently a single parent to DS this should not be occupying my thoughts .. But it is angry

firstpost Wed 05-Jun-13 17:36:20

I sometimes wish she would just "cut us off" so I could legitimately have nothing to do with her without damaging my marriage. A chickens way out i know.

musickeepsmesane Wed 05-Jun-13 17:37:09

she sounds horrible. just horrible. what coco said. what ladame said.

You need to tell DH no room at his mothers. You need to tell him to man up. You have to tell him how she makes you feel/what she does. Or show him this thread.

You really can say no to seeing her. She is abusing you. 'Mummy is off to make some money tonight' shock I would've clocked her with my bag and stabbed her with my heel. Fn bitch.

FannyFifer Wed 05-Jun-13 17:39:47

Just refuse to go, no one can make you.

Januarymadness Wed 05-Jun-13 17:45:22

I would put it to him that with a toddler a timy baby and no sleep and having no escape you are very likely to say somethong that will make the situation worse. A hotel is by far the safer option for him.

Or just say, as I have, will go only on the proviso we sleep in a hotel. Thats it. NO OPTION B.

My pil are far more passive aggressive and snidey. I generally smile nod. Do what I want to anyway. We can plod on like this as long as I have an out and some of my own space. DH finds it much easier too.

coffeeinbed Wed 05-Jun-13 17:45:35

Blimey.
I thought mine was bad ..
Ignore, ignore ignore
Or go what coco said.

coffeeinbed Wed 05-Jun-13 17:46:23

Cutting off works both ways, you know.

firstpost Wed 05-Jun-13 17:47:00

I love mumsnet smile maybe I should just send her a link to this thread. Sadly she won't be fooled by rhubarb leaves .. She wouldn't eat fruit or veg or anything green in fact.

Iggi101 Wed 05-Jun-13 17:58:08

Your dh must have access to weapons, surely?

Can't believe you're considering a Christmas together with someone like this. Definitely minimise contact, if not cut off entirely. I get on well with both parents and in-laws, but we didn't have Christmas with either of them last year - it is not compulsory. You have your own family unit. She sounds poisonous.

Some men who have such toxic mothers have had a lifetime of such conditioning and as a result find it difficult if not impossible to actually stand up for themselves in the face of their mother. They still seek their approval and I think your DH would rather upset you than his mother; he is very afraid of her. He likely also has what is known as FOG in spades; fear, obligation, guilt.

I would suggest you read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward.

If she is too toxic for you, she is certainly too awful for your children to have to deal with.

Confronting her will have no overall effect on her behaviour whatsoever, this type relishes confrontation.

firstpost Wed 05-Jun-13 18:15:57

I have long given up on a relationship of any sort with her. BUT I know it hurts my DH who is generally wonderful if weak on this particular issue. He wants his Mum to be around his kids, and she is good with buying them presents etc. This is his Mum so his "normal" even though the whole thing looks fucked up to anyone else.

I am thinking a big confrontation is inevitable as I gear up for the whole newborn thing again. I just have less and less patience with her. I think a Xmas apart, a visit from them to us to see the new baby, and as much wine as I can reasonably get away with while breastfeeding smile

firstpost Wed 05-Jun-13 18:27:49

Hum, AttilaTheMeercat that sounds like a book I should read. Thankyou. Good point if they are too toxic for me to be around then my kids should not be exposed to her. How the hell I would bring that up with DH I dont know!

I especially feel strongly about the racism, I do not want my kids to grow up thinking that's okay. Also there is strong "anti catholic" feeling which I do not want them picking up on.

You are right, he would rather upset me than her (which hurts) I asked him to call and set the record straight after the last visit. I asked several times, he agreed he would, and then didnt. I think he just thinks it will all melt away but the more time goes by the more I think it will just get harder to pretend everything is normal next time.

firstpost Wed 05-Jun-13 19:16:27

sorry missed a question upthread, Dh knows how I feel and admits she is a difficult woman but that's his Mum. Yes, DH will be away when baby is born which is difficult to say the least. I did offer (knowing she would say no!) for her to visit the new baby while DH still on tour. Ha ha, she looked like I had offered her a shit sandwich smile

GoodbyePorkPie Wed 05-Jun-13 19:16:38

'Mummy is off to make some money tonight'

shock She is awful!

Why can't you plan to have Christmas on your own? Sell it to your DH as being your first Christmas together 'as a family' and how you want to start your own traditions etc.

Please don't confront her, she will just whinge to your DH (and everyone else) about your 'unreasonable' behaviour and he won't say anything, nothing will change and you will be the bad guy more than you ever were before. It's really up to your DH to challenge this crappy behaviour. What kind of man sits and listens to someone slagging off his wife?!

Please don't confront her you will be lowering yourself to her level. I would not however sit by while she slags me off. I would answer back, cut her off, and ask if she meant to be so rude.
No way you need to be a doormat just because your Dh is conditioned to accept this bad behavior from her.
Hopefully when she is rude and you stand up for yourself she will come to realize that you will not be walked on and I hope Dh is in ear shot to be able to stand up for you when she has a go at him about you.
If she does choose to cut you and the family off, that is her problem, not yours.

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