Is this an 'emotional affair' I'm having?

[ButtercupsAreFlowers]

Am a regular (occasional) poster but have name-changed. Not brave enough for AIBU for this one, but have seen various discussions there about 'emotional affairs' - I think I get what this means, but it's not a phrase I'd much come across til recently.

So here's the situation: I have fallen in love with a friend. We are both married with DCs. It's not a new thing: am embarrassed to admit that I've been crazy about him for 2-3 years now, and he's in my head pretty much all the time. Not a passing thing, then.

We are not having an affair. We are friends. We meet up regularly (we don't run into each other in the normal course of things any more, via work or mutual friends - so we have to make the effort to see each other). We meet up for long lunches, occasionally for drinks in the evening. We email, text, etc from time to time - not all the time, goes in phases.

I don't have a clue how he feels about me. He seems to want to see me, to be in touch, to share thoughts on big stuff and small stuff. We kiss/hug hello/goodbye. There have been times when I've thought he was trying hard to find opportunities to meet up, or when in a crowd of people he seemed to be looking particularly at me. We know each other well - have exchanged a lot of thoughts/feelings on all kinds of things, but not about each other.

I am happily married to my DH - yes, really I am. He is happily married too, as far as I know. We've met each other's partners, but mostly we don't all get together. I think the situation is that if we had met when we were single, we'd have been interested in each other. It all seems entirely above board to me - we are the soul of propriety and there's nothing to hide - except what's in my head!

So tell me, MN: am I in la-la land? Is this an emotional affair, even though we're just friends and have never said how we feel? Is there any harm in this friendship continuing, or am I playing with fire in some way? Is it bonkers/irrelevant for me to wonder endlessly how he feels about me? I need some perspective here!

[FoundAChopinLizt]

'Fallen in love '

I think you know the answer. If your dh had written that post how would you feel? Honestly? I would feel betrayed, and therefore it is an emotional affair.

Not judging, you haven't done anything as it's all in your head and not too late to put a lid on it. Although I wonder if your dh can tell you're in love with someone else?

[ilovechips]

I think there's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex.

However the fact that you say you're crazy about this guy would suggest to me it is turning into a bit of an emotional affair - if this was your DH confiding in, texting and meeting up with a woman he was crazy about would you be ok with it?

[SenoritaViva]

Be very careful. What would you do if he announced he loved you? Is it with destroying your happy marriage for?

If your DH was in an identical situation with another woman, how would you feel?

[ButtercupsAreFlowers]

Thanks for replies. No, I certainly wouldn't be happy at the thought of DH in a similar situation! We both have lots of friends of the opposite sex - I don't think DH has any inkling that this one feels different to me. (Although I could of course be wrong.) Maybe, though, he has similar feelings about one of his friends and I'm none the wiser.

I'm not sure if what I'm experiencing is 'typical' for people who've been married a good few years. I have no intention of breaking up my marriage. Don't know what I'm looking for, really - the 'validation' of a reciprocated attraction, to add a bit of excitement to a not-exciting-enough life?

I guess I know what's going on from my point of view - but wondered if it's really an emotional affair if my friend doesn't feel the same way. (And I really want to know how he feels.) Does that make sense at all?!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would call this an emotional affair albeit one way currently. However, this could well end two marriages if this was to continue.

How would you feel if your DH felt as you do about another person?.

I think you need to go cold turkey with this person as of now and no longer meet up at all.

Why is this person in your head so?. I think you need to think carefully about why that is. What does this man bring you that your H does not?.

How can you state that you are happily married, by stating that it sounds like you are really kidding yourself. Denial after all is a powerful force.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of your relationship with your DH now?. What is missing in the relationship with your DH?.

You feel like you do for reasons, you need to properly work out why you feel the way you do.

[ilovechips]

Why are you so keen to know how he feels though, I can't see what good can come of it! Yes ok there is the potential to feel very flattered and excited if he tells you he feels the same, but what then? An affair? Or cut contact? Or, what if he is horrified and says he has no feelings like that and runs a mile?

sadly i can only see it ending with sadness for lots of people if you really are happy in your marriage x

[flowerpippin]

Unless you want a relationship with him (and all the consequences that go with that) then I would start pushing him away.

You say yourself you have a great marriage. There aren't many of those about these days. It's just not worth chucking that away in my opinion.

[FoundAChopinLizt]

Not exciting enough life

There are plenty of exciting things to do without endangering your relationship.

[Hassled]

It's the length of time it's been going on that would worry me - I think lots of people have little crushes on an attractive colleague or whatever, which then die a death fairly quickly, but this isn't a little crush, is it?

The bottom line is that you know this is inappropriate, or you wouldn't have posted. It's niggling away at you, and it must be distracting you from the relationship that really matters - with your DH. See less of the guy, much less. You'll probably find that you don't actually miss him at all.

[elizadoolittle]

I can offer sympathy because I've been in the same situation over the same time frame. Except we did eventually say how we felt to each other, in quite a sober way, not star-crossed lovers etc but once we'd done that, I felt I should tell my husband. Six months later I am looking at uprooting my whole family and life as the only option if I want to remain in my marriage (which I do).

So I would say: try to be really honest with yourself about how your husband would feel, some people will react differently to this kind of thing, mine is devastated and furious; try to visualise and be realistic about things a year down the line because all relationships are dynamic, not static, even platonic friendships; and try to have a frank look at your marriage and if you are actually dissatisfied, is there anything you need to do there?

This is all very difficult when it's only in your head - do you have a friend you can confide in? Or consider a short spell with a counsellor? I certainly wish I had done this to get my thinking straight before I blundered in and caused massive hurt.

FWIW I think this happens, emotions and imagination are very powerful things but at this stage you can still have some control over the outcome. I also think some relationships can sustain emotional or even sexual relationships outside but not all will survive and the very fact of it might be enough to change your family life irrevocably.

That was long, and not sure it's any help but I wanted to offer a non-judgemental view which I'm sure some will find wishy-washy and delusional. Could be that those who say excluding all connections of this type is the only way to be in a marriage are right...

[ButtercupsAreFlowers]

Attila you are probably right that I'm in denial - I strongly suspect the same! But I do think it might be possible to love two men at once - isn't it?

Will try to explain what I think is going on. I love DH and don't want to not be married to him. I don't want - really I don't! - to replace DH with my friend. What I want is the excitement that comes with getting to know someone and falling for them and realising they feel the same about you. I think I feel a bit old and married and slightly long to recapture how it felt to be young and free.

As I said before, I do think that if we'd met when we were single, we might have got together. (And then we might have got married and settled into boring domesticity, and I'd be in this exact same situation with someone else!)

We do the same amount of getting in touch with each other - it isn't all one-sided. He probably suggests meeting up more than I do; I probably initiate more text exchanges. The thought of breaking contact is horrible. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want to either. We just seem to be 'going along' like this - I don't think things are building towards any kind of inevitable conclusion. But I don't think it's healthy to think about him as much as I do. (See - not entirely in denial!)

[meditrina]

It's not typical, though it's frequent.

If you would not be happy with DH knowing the extent of your contact with this other man, or of your feelings for him, you have crossed into an emotional affair.

Bottom line question: do you want to end your marriage?

[ButtercupsAreFlowers]

Hassled you are right - this isn't a little crush. At all. I thought it was initially - and I'm only now facing up to how long it's been going on. We are important to each other, I think.

What's inappropriate is what's in my head, rather than anything we actually 'do'. I can't imagine a scenario ilovechips where I would spell out my feelings - yikes. And he may well be in the same position - which is why we go on like this, year after year! Both of us keen, unable to let go of the friendship, but not being the one to rock any boats. Which is pretty sensible, surely!

Elizadoolittle thank you for sharing your experience, which sounds painful. You've given me a lot to think about.

[elizadoolittle]

Attila's right about what's missing from your marriage/life. No one relationship will give you everything but ask yourself if there's somehting big missing (very common in long relationship, with kids, career compromises, bereavements etc etc). My denial was that my marriage was absolutely fine, very happy. I was papering over the cracks with an attachment to someone else. It's a long and painful road back for everyone, particular your marriage partner, if you go as far as I did. WIsh you good luck.

[Frenchgirlinuk]

Do you tell your husband when you are meeting this friend for lunch?

[FoundAChopinLizt]

Why do you feel 'old' and 'unattractive?' also 'married' as though that's a bad thing? We are all getting older, you are married, that's a reality. The alternatives are to not get older (die) and not be married. Being married or old does not stop you being exciting. An affair will not make you younger, you are as attractive as you are, you don't need someone to tell you that to make it true.

You need to feel good about yourself and value yourself so that you don't need that outside evaluation to feel good.

Just trying to pick apart your reasoning a bit.

[elizadoolittle]

I also believed that because I was totally upfront about meeting, didn't confide anything I wouldn't tell my partner, didn't cross a physical line, that it was above board. But it's the stuff that's in your head that's important IF (and not saying you will) you decide you need to get it out of your head. That's where a trusted friend as a sounding board could be useful. Hope you don't think I'm projecting my experience, it just resonated so I wanted to reach out. Nothing is inevitable here, it could go on for years in your head, but I think it's good that you are thinking carefully about it.

[ButtercupsAreFlowers]

Frenchgirlinuk I don't NOT tell him, if you see what I mean. I mention it in a 'no big deal' kind of way. (We work in the same field, so it's not a totally weird thing to be doing.) When we've met 1:1 in the evening, I've implied to my DH that other people were there too. Weaselly. Thing is, my DH would probably not raise an eyebrow - he meets up with female friends and tells me what he's doing. It's because I know how I feel that telling DH about meet-ups makes me uncomfortable. (As it should.)

[FoundAChopinLizt]

Apologies, you didn't say unattractive

I'm sure you are gorgeous

[tightfortime]

You?re ?in love? with him

You?re meeting up presumably without your OHs knowing.

You want to ?know how he feels?

Yes, it?s an EA and yes, they?re delicious for your self esteem and while you might have managed to keep it platonic for a log time, something in you has ?shifted? to post this.


You?re on a slippy slope to an affair and you know it. You know he has feelings for you too; no man meets for ?chats? that often...

Either be ?friends? publicly and with partners present; or let it go and figure out what spark is missing from your marriage

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

You are lying by omission to your husband.

Until then, it seemed that you may be right that nobody had been harmed yet, and it was in your head. It might have been possible to end it in your head, and have no one hurt.

But you are already lying. You have to see that this is the start of a very slippery slope?

[AnyFucker]

No, I certainly wouldn't be happy at the thought of DH in a similar situation!

There is your answer

You are already lying by omission to your husband. You may have "no intention" of ending your marriage, but whoever drifts over boundaries into an affair never does, do they ?

You think you are any different ? You are a car crash waiting to happen, and seem happy to let it passively look for you like you have no control of the situation

Your justifications sound like someone already in the midst of an emotional affair, and all it will take is one tiny sign from him and you will be all over this like a rash

You have been warned < shrug >

[ButtercupsAreFlowers]

Eliza I've shared all this with my closest friend over the years. Suspect she's getting bored of it now! (As I should be.) I've also seen a counsellor in the past, where this has come up (alongside many other things).

[meditrina]

It is,of course, a myth that affairs only happen in when a marriage is in poor shape. There's a well known (and bitterly regretted in hindsigh) path when a friendship crosses by tiny baby steps into dangerous territory and then into serious stuff of full on affairs.

You are already endangering your marriage. Good intentions count for nothing.

Unless you want to end your marriage, end contact with your other man.