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Advice/flaming/help needed. Think I've fucked up.

(49 Posts)
UterusUterusGhali Wed 05-Jun-13 12:30:07

My dh left me a few months ago, saying he no longer loved me, and couldn't cope with my PND.

He left me & our 3 dc, and has refused to talk about our relationship. He has kept changing his stance, saying he did love me, then he didn't. He wasn't IN love with me etc etc. Following the script, basically.

So, after a huge row two weeks ago, and him saying it was definitely over, I registered with an OD site. Just to make myself feel better I think, and prompted by collegues.
I'm sure you can see where this is going.
Met a bloke. We get on well, surprisingly, and we have been texting.

Dh saw a text over my shoulder, and hit the roof. Says of course he loves me etc. I'm evil, yadda yadda.

Ironically, dh have been getting on better than ever. I love him. I want to stay married to him. I am not ready for a relationship!
But I do enjoy texting this bloke.
I don't know what to do!

rubyslippers Wed 05-Jun-13 12:32:59

why do you want to stay with your ex after what he has put you through?

he left you, told you he doesn't love you and then messed you about on and off

the minute he thinks you are moving on you are the evil one hmm

UterusUterusGhali Wed 05-Jun-13 12:34:36

I have tried to keep this brief!

I can see I'm keen on this bloke because it's a nice distraction, and he is actually nice to me. I know it's because he wants to get in my keks. I'm not naive.

I just think dh is jelous.
But should I continue flogging the horse that is our relationship?

niceupthedance Wed 05-Jun-13 12:36:55

He told you it was over, then you started getting on better? I think your answer is right there. Don't go back because it's just the easiest option. Your DH is being an arse, by the way.

ItsallFeegle Wed 05-Jun-13 12:37:23

It really sounds like he doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to 'have you' either.

I think his treatment of your heart and the total lack of respect for you is appalling.

If your marriage is to stand a chance it's time to draw a line under the recent past and both put your cards on the table.

You need to force him to be honest about what he wants and plan from there.

However, if I were you, I'd be telling him to fuck right off.

TallyGrenshall Wed 05-Jun-13 12:38:33

Well of course he has now declared love and made it all your fault.

You are not following his script. You are supposed to be chasing, begging, agreeing to change and basically hanging around waiting for him to make a decision.

You are not supposed to be trying to make a new life, or be happy. He wants you miserable.

Only you can decided what to do. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong, you are free to text/date/shag whoever you please because he said it was definitely over - that makes you single.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 05-Jun-13 12:39:22

Who the hell does he think he is?

He walked out on you!

He gave up any right to be cross about you dating the day he said he didn't love you and didn't want to be with you.

don't you bloody dare accept being the bad guy here!

UterusUterusGhali Wed 05-Jun-13 12:40:41

Am I moving on too soon though, Ruby?

He fell out of love in December, moved out, came back, and moved out again only in early march.

We have spoken for two one hour periods since then.

I think the fact we had been getting on wonderfully the last two weeks makes it so hard, but maybe that's because I've stopped caring.

UterusUterusGhali Wed 05-Jun-13 12:44:52

Thank you all.

I thought I would die of grief when he left.

Now he says he only left to save our marriage, although nothing he has done since has indicated this.

I should add my mh was very bad just before he left. I have since sought counselling. It's helping. smile

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 13:03:37

What they all said. Bollocks did he leave to save your marriage. That sounds very convenient now that YOU have checked out of your marriage.

It probably is too soon to be moving on to a new relationship, but there's no reason why you can't go out on dates and have a bit of fun already if you want to.

Your H is being an arse and the fact that he "hit the roof" when he peeked over your shoulder and read a private message says it all. Cheeky fucker.

You are not evil, you are single. He had left you. You may think you want to stay married to him, but that is probably just for the safety and familiarity as it doesn't sound like he has been treating you very well or supporting you through your MH issues.

Perhaps you both need a proper break from each other so that you can figure out what you really want without any distractions. If you would be happy with him dating other people during that time, feel free to do the same. If you still feel tied to each other then just take it easy, back off from the other guy/OD and get yourself straight first.

But please don't just take him back because its the easy option.

BalloonSlayer Wed 05-Jun-13 13:06:32

You don't leave someone suffering with PND alone with three children to "save your marriage."

he is taking the piss.

dopeysheep Wed 05-Jun-13 13:08:57

'Should I continue flogging the horse that is our relationship?'
No. The horse is dead. Maybe turn it into a tasty lasagne.

Good luck I think things will get easier once you make a firm decision to leave.

I broke up with my ex (mutually) 2 years ago and started something with someone else. As soon as he found out he wanted me back. It was pure jealousy! We gave it a try, didn't work out. Since splitting last summer I have not been interested in dating, it's just a distraction from my real feelings IMO. But as long as you are aware of that, why not?

ofmiceandmen Wed 05-Jun-13 13:52:38

ok.. I am going to get slated for this but here it goes..

What few women realise is that when they go through PND it is not only them that need counselling but their partners as well.
Because the person you married evaporates suddenly before your eyes. The depths they go to, and sadly if you love them - the depths you go to.
Human instinct thinks its your fault as the partner, and you cant fathom why your love can't seem to help them.
MN goes on about EA, well try living with someone with truly bad PND then you have EA multiplied.

What he did was wrong. he's love was not 'big enough'. But you identified that since you have been getting help he was warming up to you. I would hazard to say since the new chap started showing an interest you started loving yourself again. and this shone through.

Rather long response - apologies for that, but yes maybe he couldn't love the you, you had become so he is in fact not the right person for you. (but then again new chap hasn't been through the worst has he)

ofmiceandmen Wed 05-Jun-13 14:07:58

Here's one to remind him of when he next comes calling -
“If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

Xales Wed 05-Jun-13 14:19:21

He abandoned you and your DC when things got tough. He said your marriage was definitely over two weeks ago.

You are free to chat, meet, snog or shag anyone you feel like.

He may still love remnants of you but not enough to be with you.

Tell him to mind his own business.

UterusUterusGhali Wed 05-Jun-13 14:24:44

I 100% get what you're saying, Mice&men. I think what I put dh through was akin to ea. Truley. But he didn't seek help. He sought council from a woman at work whom he developed a crush on.

You're right in that I've been happier since giving up and realising I'm not actually an unlovable minger, and he sees flashes of the "old me" now.

I kinda knew this would happen.

Can I use this to my advantage? Eg getting my marriage back on track?
I'm being foolish, aren't I?

I feel a bit sorry for this other bloke.

I remember your posts and your devastation and his cruelty and coldness. I wouldn't have him back.

ofmiceandmen Wed 05-Jun-13 14:43:44

Uterus big difference he knew it was PND and not a self motivated desire to inflict pain on someone. Therein lies his true colours.
you were ill, and he left. thats the plain truth.

Whether you forgive him or not is purely up to you.

I stayed when my ex had severe PND, which involved PA,VA and any other acronym thats used on MN. Ironically she ended up leaving (apparently it made me too much of a walk over, HW and nappies do not an attractive man make). and yes at the time I was desperate to save the marriage. but there is life after it. and you do recover (plenty of mistakes and insecurities mind, but you recover).

Think its you time now. become whole, take your time and be a better you. he will come back (they always do) but maybe by then you may not want him back

Snazzywaitingforsummer Wed 05-Jun-13 14:48:26

If you use it to 'get your marriage back on track', I would bet, unfortunately, that as soon as you drop contact with the text bloke, your husband will be back in his old ways. He wants you now he can't have you. Dangerous game to think he would change long term.

Mollydoggerson Wed 05-Jun-13 14:54:24

Your DH doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either.

It's all about him.

Keep texting the other guy, just to boil dh's piss.

lisac99 Wed 05-Jun-13 15:29:53

He keeps changing his stance, he says he loves you, no, wait.. he doesn't, oh wait.. it's Tuesday so he does love you. No wait! Eastenders is on the TV so he doesn't love you.... no hang on, it's the second Thursday of the month, therefore he loves you more than anything!

Seriously, what does he want you to do? hang on until he changes his mind? wait around and then accept him back with open arms after he changes his mind?

It sounds like he's jealous and doesn't want you seeing anyone else, however it's absolutely fine for him to move on.....

Don't take him back. What he's done if terrible.
He wants his cake and eat it.
No way!
You sound like you are doing great so don't let him get under your skin now.
He cheated when you were suffering - unforgivable in my book - sorry!
Keep texting this guy if it's making you feel better.
Enjoy the attention and two fingers to your DH!

UterusUterusGhali Wed 05-Jun-13 20:07:03

smile

You've made me feel a lot better.

Dh hasn't once said "let's just get away together, to talk" or similar. He really couldn't care less. sad

Sorry for my ghastly spelling upthread.

anothershittynickname Wed 05-Jun-13 20:10:27

Don't let any man treat you like shit!!

My ex treated my like absolute crap - very emotionally abusive!! When I told him it was over it took him 6 month to leave MY house!!

In that time I joined OD for the VERY same reason as you and am now very happily married to the bloke I wouldn't even divulge my actual location to ;-)

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