BIL and the wedding. What to do.

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

I've been with dp for almost 2 years now and we're getting married in August. I have dcs from a previous marriage and we are expecting a baby in October.

We're having a tiny ceremony, family only, so just our parents, brothers and sisters and all the associated dcs.

Unfortunately dp has had a falling out with his brother.

I'm trying not to drip feed. I've known dp for about 5 years. When I first knew him he was married with no dcs. We became friends. Nothing ever happened between us that was not merely friendship, although he would talk to me about his marital problems he never made any kind of move on me.

He decided to leave his wife and very soon afterwards we did start sleeping together. But I didn't want a relationship at that point (my divorce was just finalising and I wanted to be single for a bit), so we were both just being lonely together. It was all very honest and brilliant. After a couple of weeks I broke it off and said I wanted to just do the friend thing and not the FWB. He said no problem and backed off straight away.

A couple of months later I felt more stable and we decided to give it a go. 2 years later we are blissfully happy. But I can see how people would think that we had an affair or that he left his wife for me.

Fastforward to now and after initially being very supportive to dp when he first split from his wife, BIL did a u-turn and essentially stopped speaking to dp after about a month. At first he agreed that dp was doing absolutely the right thing as their marriage was clearly unhappy to everyone. Then nothing.

A year ago dp tried to initiate communication with BIL by writing him a letter saying he was very hurt, but it was probably a misunderstanding, and could BIL tell him what the issue was so they could sort it.

Got a reply saying that he had no issue, BIL was offended by the suggestion that there was an issue, and that he wouldn't have anything more to do with dp.

Sorry about the essay.

BIL has met me once and was distant to the point of rude. He has never acknowledged me or the dcs (not even at Christmas with a card or a box of chocs) we send gifts from all of us to his dcs.

The rest of dp's family have welcomed us with open arms. They have been so amazing with my dcs and are always telling me how happy I make dp and how it's so nice to have their son back (dp's ex didn't like his family at all).

So... We have invited BIL and sil and their dcs to the wedding. Dp tried to phone them twice to ask in person but they wouldn't answer and it's now been two weeks with no reply to the messages left. Dp's family have asked him if they are coming he says he doesn't know. Sil (bil's wife) phoned dp's sister and hurled a tirade of abuse at her for trying to suggest that BIL speak to dp.

Facebook has been involved (Bil's wife) but we've stayed out of it. It's all very alien to me. I'm in my 30s. I don't know anyone else who would rant and rave at someone on a public forum. And yes I can't help but judge.

So now BIL has told the family that he is not talking to dp because of something he said to him, about me, before he and his ex wife split up. I'm assuming it's along the lines of him finding me attractive, or possibly my very childish advice when they did split up that he needed to go out and shag around for a bit (not with me).

Either way (as dp's lovely sister said) no matter what happened BIL getting upset about someone else's relationship and turning it into a huge grudge is not on.

So... I want to support dp but I've got a lot on. Work, dcs, pregnancy etc. it's starting to get to me. Whenever he talks to his family there is pressure to sort things (dp WANTS to sort things), I end up short of breath and shaking and I need to back away.

In all honesty I blame myself. I hate that I am the reason dp has lost his brother. Bil's wife seems to be causing a lot of the problems (after they split she developed a friendship with dp's ex wife, having told the rest of the family that they must support dp and distance themselves she went on to meet her in secret, all very odd).

I just wanted a small stress free wedding. I don't even know if they'll be there. If they are it will be my first meeting with SIL, and she clearly loathes me. We invited them to make dp's family happy, but now I'm miserable and so is dp.

I just need to find a way to get through this bit. There isn't really a question. Just please help. I'm all out of strength and I don't know how to cope. Dp is very supportive but I don't want to lean on him when he hurts so much.

[Aussiebean]

Hello. Congratulations on the baby and wedding.

I think you really have to back off and not take this on. This is not your fault, it is not your partners fault.

You bil and sil have decided to overshadow your happiness by chucking a major tantrum. Now all the family are giving them attention and not to the exciting events that are happening.

Time to stop engaging with them. How did you handle your children's tantrums? If his family tells your partner to sort it out, tell them you have opened the door and bil can walk into it or not, but either way the subject is now closed.

If he says he is not coming to the wedding, tell him that it is a shame he has made the decision but it is his choice and he will be missed. Then change the subject.

Time to draw the line, set some boundaries and stop letting your bil control the mood of what is a wonderful time in your life.

You need to keep out of it, you partner needs to set boundaries and you two need to enjoy your new life together.

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Thank you so much for trawling that mammoth post Aussie.

BIL and SIL are known in the family for being (euphemistically) "sensitive" and creating drama. But dp's mother is devastated her sons have fallen out.

You're right that there's nothing I can do. I hadn't considered how this is putting all the wedding focus on them. I'd they're not there then they will be obviously missing, if they are they will be obviously present. Either way I know I'll only be thinking about dp and the dcs on the day.

I just hate how stressed I am visibly becoming when it's brought up. I need to distance myself. I reall do.

[Aussiebean]

You need to work out how to change the subject when it is brought up.

'Yes it is sad bil feels like this but there is nothing we can do until he is ready to talk. Have you see. How beautiful the garden is?'

'Yes it is a shame he feels like that but we have opened the door for him. I'm thinking of having roses in my bouquet. What do you think?'

'Yes, I can imaging how sad it is that the boys are fighting but bil is a grown up and he needs to do what he feels is right. We bought daughter her dress for the wedding today, she is so gorgeous let me show you '

Say and repeat, and repeat and repeat.

You can't let them stress you out. I would almost say it would be good if they didn't come to the wedding but at the end if the day you only need you, the children your partner and the celebrant.

A witness you can get off the street :)

[DewDr0p]

Aussie is spot on OP. I'd just work on the basis they aren't coming and try to put it to one side and focus on your big day.

[simplesusan]

There isn't much you can do to change their minds and opinions.
You don't know what the ex wife has told bil and sil, for all you know she may have being trying to save her marriage.
I had a similar situation with a friend whose husband "confided" his troubles with another woman. The wife found out and it ended with the ow backing off and the couple sorting out their own marriage. From what my friend said he started to see the friend he confided in as a fantasy figure and obviously the wife was livid.

I know that you are getting married but how do you know that you aren't viewed that way?

As for your wedding,they will either turn up or they won't. I am quite sure that wedding venues have seen it all before with stanby seating arrangements at the ready.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

DP and you, that's what matters now, it is good that DP's sister is supportive, it's a shame his brother has kicked off. Am not on FB myself but gather it can be a force for havoc depending on who uses it. Well done ignoring that aspect of this.

When it comes to maintaining poise and calm, keep in mind what Aussie says, it's not about BIL and his wife. Usually this kind of thread would be about the ex-wife but in this case, it is one stage detached? They didn't write the book on marriage and divorce. I almost wonder if something has touched a nerve in their own relationship and BIL is going out of his way to proclaim his disapproval or moral indignation or whatever it is. SIL hasn't even met you!

Hope your DP's parents aren't swayed into some epic rift, it is their choice but I hope they'll leave BIL to his own drama.

Anyway, a small tasteful wedding or a big hoohah with sky writing, it doesn't matter, don't let this odd couple spoil your day. By October another happy event will claim all your attention.

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Thank you all, intermittent posting as I'm at work.

Susan I'm sure I am viewed like that by some. Before they split we spoke about how he could fix his marriage, not how to leave. There had been a three year cycle of him telling her he was unhappy, she panicked he didn't love her, he reassured her, nothing changed and he went back to being unhappy. They married very young and it ended after 5 years.

But I knew as a female friend who subsequently got involved with him, that I would be an obvious target.

I accept that. But know I did nothing wrong.

Aussie your advice is great.

I do feel a lot

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Posted too soon

I feel a lot of guilt (but I am someone who takes responsibility for things regardless of blame)

[Oscalito]

I would just do as others have suggested and disengage. You're never going to get to the bottom of all their family dynamics as you didn't grow up with them, the point is that you're starting your own life with your DP.

I know my DH gets fed up of my ranting about my family and simply stops engaging after a while. It works - I lose my audience and so there's no point continuing. Maybe that might work. If you're getting stressed or short of breath that's definitely a sign to remove yourself and do something to unwind - go for a walk, get away from the situation.

Their marriage ended because they weren't compatible, not because of anything you did or said. Relationships end. BIL and SIL sound like nightmares - simply refuse to engage. I know it's easier said than done though.....

[simplesusan]

Op- I'm not saying you are to blame BUT perhaps it was foolish of your dp to involve you and that your bil and sil think that you were somehow involved in the break up.

My friend certainly wasn't impressed by her dh confiding in another woman.
If her relationship had ended then I'm quite sure people would have viewed the female friend with distaste.
I'm just trying to show a view which others may take of your relationship.

The point is though that you have to carry on and try not to get drawn in. Either they will or they won't turn up, and that is their decision.
Have a word with the venue, I'm sure they won't batter an eyelid about such circumstances.

[LadyLech]

TBH, I wouldn't encourage him at the wedding. Sounds like he could be difficult at the best of times.

When I got married, I had to have my DPs exBIL there, didn't want him there after he got drunk and was abusive to one of my friends calling her a 'F C', and really shouted into her face. We never received an apology for his actions and were expected to just accept it.

I was railroaded into having him at my wedding, and again he was rude, nasty and verging on abusive to some of my friends there. After the wedding, I had to go around apologising to people for his behaviour (we never received one though!). Trust me, you do not want to have anything like this to mar your wedding day.

If he says he doesn't want to be there, just accept that and as others have said, change the conversation and leave it be. If he's difficult, you probably don't want him turning up ruining your wedding day.

[LadyLech]

He got drunk at my engagement party - should have clarified that!

[EllieQ]

You have my sympathy, OP, as I have a similar situation with my in-laws, though in this case DH & I are the neutral parties as his brothers have fallen out, mainly because their partners had a falling-out, and it has included snarky comments on Facebook, awkward family events, and one BIL & SIL bec

[EllieQ]

Grrr, posted too soon! One BIL & SIL have become close friends with other BIL's ex-wife!

Anyway, our main approach has been to avoid getting involved, and I'd suggest you do the same. Your DP has tried to resolve things with his brother, you've invited them to the wedding, but they're not responding. Bluntly, that's their problem while you & DP have been trying to do the right thing.

If I were you, I would be getting annoyed with DP's family for continually telling him he needs to sort it out - why aren't they telling BIL that too! It does sound as though they are very into the drama of it all.

I would suggest that DP tells his family to stop harassing him about it as he has made the effort to reconcile, and it's up to BIL & SIL to respond. I would also suggest that if DP's mum is so upset about them falling-out, she should speak to BIL to try to get him to respond to DP's overtures.

I'd be wary about getting DP's sister involved much more, as DH often gets drawn in as the neutral ground and he really hates it.

Continue to take the moral high ground, refuse to discuss it as suggested above, and alert the wedding venue to the possibility of guests not turning up. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to let it ruin your wedding day.

And if you're like me, you might have a renewed appreciation for the normality of your family compared to your crazy in-laws :)

[GoodbyePorkPie]

I think Aussie's advice is great, and I also think you should take Lady's point about not pushing him to come to the wedding. If he succumbs to family pressure to attend and does so with bad grace it's likely to end in tears after a couple of drinks.

I would step back, enjoy your pregnancy and be happy with your DP, and wait for BIL to come round on his own.

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Right, back from work so now I can have a proper read.

Aussie thank you again I'm going to follow your advice on all fronts (well almost, we'll still have a few wedding guests!)

Donkeys it's funny you should say that about it touching a nerve. There has been speculation that things are not good between BIL and SIL, and that maybe the gentleman doth protest too much. BIL has a history of... Overlapping relationships. Which is one of the reasons dp (who is very different to BIL) is so surprised by his reaction.

Oscalito also true, if this was my sister it would never occur to me to fall out over her private relationship breaking up. It would be none of my business. Even if she had been shagging all over town I would have t

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Argh! Again!
I would have told her I was worried about her and discussed it, but it wouldn't affect my relationship with her.

Simplesusan, thank you, I'm certainly going to do my best to withdraw.

Lady lech bloody hell! What a twunt.

Ellie dp has told his sister she doesn't need to stress about it, it'd be much easier if it was just left alone. And yes I'm definitely appreciating my family more!

Pork pie I agree. If he says no we won't pursue. We only invited for dp's parents' sake. I'm very much hoping it's a no really. As is dp.

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Right. Dp is home and we've discussed it further. He says BIL has always been a drama llama and looking back every huge event (even his marriage breakup) has been overshadowed by BIL's behaviour. So no more feeding the troll is the way to go. He's going to have a quiet word with his mum and sister pointing out that the more attention this fall out gets, the longer it is likely to last. And hopefully that will let them see that they can help by not "helping". I don't want them to think that we're not grateful for all the support though.

Since the wedding is happening very soon and we do actually need to know numbers for catering etc. and since BIL in all his wisdom won't answer the phone to dp, he will message him letting him know that we need to know by Sunday. If we don't hear anything then we can safely assume they're not coming.

How does that sound? Dp is also going to call his family to let them know he has messaged BIL in an attempt to diffuse any possible drama before it starts.

I'm still shaky thinking about it all. But feel that with a deadline in place we can move forward with planning.

Any advice still gratefully received, and thank you all from the hormonal stressed pregnant lady

[DewDr0p]

Sounds good OP. I'd keep the tone of the message bright and breezy btw, as though everything is perfectly normal.

Fingers crossed for you he doesn't come

[Aussiebean]

What drew say is right. Bright, breezy and only do it once.

Don't ring Friday, Saturday or Sunday asking him for a reply.

Bil needs to step up.

Also it's a good idea to let the family know f the message because then bil can't complain later when there is no food for him if he decides to grae you with his presence. His family can say 'you were told you didn't reply your problem.'

Let us know how it goes. X

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Thanks Dew, :) it's written. Toned as non-judgey and apologetic for pushing for an answer, but we need to know numbers for the venue. We will sleep on it and send it tomorrow.

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Sorry Aussie, xposted.

This is the last time dp's going to reach out. It's down to BIL from here.

[Cherriesarelovely]

You poor thing! What a horrible situation you have been put in! I am aghast at your bil and sil's behaviour, particularly the pathetic display on facebook! I think your bil is absolutely trying to make this "about him" by creating this fuss and drama and I think all the advice you've had not to engage anymore is absolutely spot on. Also, make it very clear to everyone else that you have done your bit and the subject is closed. For your own emotional well being you must do this.

Good luck with the wedding and your baby x

[cornypedicure]

poor you - what a stressful lead up to your wedding.

I agree that it sounds like BIL has manipulated the situation for negative attention, so the best thing to do is to not engage with him. You've made more than enough of an effort with him already.

I hope you have a lovely day

[Oscalito]

Make sure the message says 'if we don't here we will assume it's a no' so he knows he's giving an answer either way and not just stringing you along further by not replying. And that there won't be food for him if he does turn up - you could also say something about finalising tables so he realises it will be potentially very embarrassing for him to come without an RSVP. What a brat!!