Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

i've got to end this relationship

(67 Posts)
mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 05:27:55

last night my fiancee, (lived together for 3 years , together 4.5 yrs) grabbed my 13 yo DS round the throat and swore in his face. i have told him that he will be moving out (he will go back to the box room at his parents until he finds somewhere) i cant believe this has happened and i am so angry and dissapointed in him. he just totally flipped out.

my son was sitting at the computer at 10:15 and i told him it was time to go upstairs and he started trying to argue and backchat me. i was handling the situation just fine and did not need any kind of help when my fiancee burst in swearing 'you will do what you're fucking told you little twat' and then grabbed him by the throat (son was still sitting on computer chair) i yelled at him to 'take your hand off my son' which he did, my son then stood up and they both pushed each other whilst i tried to separate them, then my son got past and went upstairs, shouting that DF does nothing for the house and is useless. I went up after DS and made sure he was alright. when i came down DF was still fuming, he apologised to me, but said he would not apologise to DS as he was a spoilt brat.he said he was only trying to turn DS's head so he would look at him.

i told him he would be leaving first thing in the morning.he tells me i am over reacting and he didn't leave a mark on him or grab him tightly. DF has been crying a lot and i feel, trying to manipulate me. please can i have your opinions as i am getting so confused. i have bipolar and i know i do overreact but in this case, i think i am right. i dont want the relationship to end but fail to see how it can continue now. i cant put my kids at this risk of him losing his temper again.i have been trying to phone womens aid's helpline all night but there is no answer. i even phoned the samaritans but they were really just interested in if i felt suicidal (i dont) i was just desperate to talk to someone about all this. Ds seems ok, i kept checking on him til he fell asleep and he has no marks (yet)to be honest he seemed rather nonplussed, not that that changes anything. I just cant believe this has happened.

whitesugar Sat 15-Jun-13 11:08:29

Mrs L - you are a total legend - as my teenagers would say. you should be very proud of yourself! When my EXH assaulted my 13 year old DS the police told me I could report it. This saved my DS doing so & given that he was really conflicted, it meant that the assault was reported. The PPS didn't take it on but that was due to administrative error, long story but due to communication error between DS in child protection & police at station.

It was reported though which was crucial when EXH assaulted my 16 year old DD. He got adult caution because I didn't want my DD to have to go to court. Police were fantastic, WPC told me police wanted stiffer sentence but understood my DD doing GCSE & didn't need stress of court.

Both DC know now that assault is not acceptable even if it is within family. They have also learned that if they ever assault anyone they may face criminal proceedings. It's a tough but very valuable lesson.

My son seemed non plussed about incident but ended up in trouble at school for throwing a chair & being rude to a teacher. Luckily his form teacher listened to him & DS cried & told him about assault. He seemed fine but it was an act. It's really hard to tell with teenage boys as you know. The subject is an open topic in our house and I frequently check in with him. Funnily enough he he told his friends who told him that the same thing happened to them.

Well done for being a legend, your DC won't forget it!

TalkativeJim Fri 14-Jun-13 09:15:48

What a star you are mrslincoln!

mrslincoln Fri 14-Jun-13 09:03:27

aw thank you mrskitty and thank you catfourfeet it was a pleasure to come over and help you and i would do it any time day or night, your'e a great friend to me

MrsKitty Sun 09-Jun-13 19:07:25

Mrslincoln, you are a wonderful mother, and a wonderful person. Your son will look back and know, forever, that he is and will always be the most important person in your heart and your life, and as a child, and as an adult, that is a wonderful thing, I think. I wouldn't know - I wish my own mother had been half as brave and decisive as you have been.

Well done - I think you're fab.

catfourfeet Sun 09-Jun-13 18:36:16

An I ask for a shout out for mrs Lincoln

She is a friend irl and even with all that she has going on has taken the time to look after me.

I am very , very down ATM and she has come over and got my 4 kids fed, tidied up and sorted their school clothes for tomorrow.

From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU mrs Lincoln

mrslincoln Mon 03-Jun-13 18:40:28

i will do thanks

Hissy Brazil Sun 02-Jun-13 23:44:04

Dear god woman, you really are awesome!

Every move has been faultless!

What a remarkable mother you are, a real woman, an inspiration.

Whatever support you need over the coming days/weeks/months, you just say?

mrslincoln Sun 02-Jun-13 23:32:05

wow thank you for all your positive encouragement! i feel more confident now that i have done the right thing. thank you all of you who have replied and were there for me when i was scared and alone

RiotsNotDiets Sun 02-Jun-13 22:46:57

Wow MrsL you rock! Your sons are very lucky!

MummyOfSunbeam Sun 02-Jun-13 22:37:41

You are amazing. Your son must feel so cherished and protected. Truly you are brilliant .

You really are a wonderful woman. You acted immediately and did the right thing for your child. Thank you for putting your child first. Well done. You are well rid of this man.

CrispyHedgeHog Fri 31-May-13 18:53:28

You are an absolute bloody star!!!
Here's to a wonderful, peaceful new life wine

Peanutbutterfingers Fri 31-May-13 18:45:16

You rock. You do. You really do. Well done for keeping it together and doing all the right things to protect your children. You're an inspiration

DS won't be scarred for life. Keep talking to him, reassuring him it's not his fault. He was assaulted by someone you trusted. You took immediate action. He will know he is loved and he is the most important. Stay strong lovely xx

Veryunsure Fri 31-May-13 18:30:06

Yes it's time to end this relationship, your son deserves to feel safe in his own home. So sorry this has happened to you and your son

Wow mrslincoln this thread is a fantastic birthday present - I love hearing stories about strong women and yours is inspiring. I have bipolar as well so I know it can be a struggle, so many things can be triggers, but you are amazing. Your DS is lucky.

mrslincoln Fri 31-May-13 15:52:45

just a quick update, went to court this morning and got an emergency occupation order preventing him from coming near the house or serving 'notice to quit.' am back in court tuesday for another hearing as ex df will be served this pm. i got emergency legal aid which i am so grateful for. i feel safer now and hopefully will sleep better tonight. my son seems a bit better today but is still very quiet.

thank you so much all of you for your support and words of encouragement

jessjessjess Fri 31-May-13 11:13:47

You rock. You absolutely flipping rock. You are a great mum and have been so strong.

I wish my mum had been like you. Sadly she preferred to live in denial.

rumbelina Colombia Fri 31-May-13 08:50:21

Good luck today!

Just caught up with this. Respect to mrs L. flowers

mrslincoln Fri 31-May-13 07:20:20

thank you something2say, i should be getting his key back via the court today. as it is i have locked the main door from the inside and am using the other door, for which he doesnt have a key to.
what scares me is that my ex is a 2nd dan karate champoin and could do serious harm if he wanted to, and he said after the event that he was 'holding back' very sinister in my opinion.

am going for a coffee afterwards with my shelter support worker, i expect cake will be involved.

i would just like to say that it is because of mumsnet i have done all these things. i have been a member on and off for a while and have posted before about my narc ex (the kids dad). mumsnet showed me what is and what is not acceptable and the biggest turning point was someone recommending the 'living with the dominator' book to me about a year ago. so thank you mumsnet you may just have saved a life or three and that is no exaggeration

something2say Fri 31-May-13 06:51:40

Hello well done, hard as it is, you have definitely done the right thing in so many ways.

Ending it...
Reporting it...
Letting SS know...
Getting the order...
Getting his stuff out of the house into the garage...
Can you get the locks changed?

What are your plans re contact now? Is he going to harass you do you think? Let us know if so as we can advise there....

But mostly just well done. It is not acceptable at all and would likely have got worse over time.

Re your son, expect some behaviour. Reward with more love and firmer boundaries, and be clear that the results are about your ex's actions. Nothing to do with your son. Consequences.

Huge hug and good luck today. What are you going to do afterwards? A treat of some sort?

mrslincoln Fri 31-May-13 06:38:12

thanks B he is asleep now despite being very upset earlier. i am just worried that he is scarred for life now or something. will update on the court action later. i haven't slept again despite wine. i don't think i will until the court thing is done and i feel safe again.

catfourfeet Thu 30-May-13 23:35:06

Hi "mrs lincoln"
Hope DS can get some sleep, and you can to.
Top marks from mumsnet.
Here if you need me.
B.

lollydollydrop Thu 30-May-13 20:31:37

What a strong lady. This is inspirational. I just cried for you MrsLincoln (with pride). Wow.

mrslincoln Thu 30-May-13 20:24:58

thank you so much for all your messages of support, means a lot to me. i was starting to doubt myself but now i feel better. have got court in the morning, have chosen a black outfit ( my funeral outfit) my son got really upset earlier but he is ok now. he seemed to think it was his fault! i explained to him that it wasnt his fault at all and that its for the best. things will be ok, i keep telling myself. i went to my GP today and got some diazepam so am feeling better, as my bipolar was kicking off. i have a male friend coming over tomorrow to take away all of exfiancees stuff. i have just announced on fb that the relatio0nship is over.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now