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i've got to end this relationship

(67 Posts)
mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 05:27:55

last night my fiancee, (lived together for 3 years , together 4.5 yrs) grabbed my 13 yo DS round the throat and swore in his face. i have told him that he will be moving out (he will go back to the box room at his parents until he finds somewhere) i cant believe this has happened and i am so angry and dissapointed in him. he just totally flipped out.

my son was sitting at the computer at 10:15 and i told him it was time to go upstairs and he started trying to argue and backchat me. i was handling the situation just fine and did not need any kind of help when my fiancee burst in swearing 'you will do what you're fucking told you little twat' and then grabbed him by the throat (son was still sitting on computer chair) i yelled at him to 'take your hand off my son' which he did, my son then stood up and they both pushed each other whilst i tried to separate them, then my son got past and went upstairs, shouting that DF does nothing for the house and is useless. I went up after DS and made sure he was alright. when i came down DF was still fuming, he apologised to me, but said he would not apologise to DS as he was a spoilt brat.he said he was only trying to turn DS's head so he would look at him.

i told him he would be leaving first thing in the morning.he tells me i am over reacting and he didn't leave a mark on him or grab him tightly. DF has been crying a lot and i feel, trying to manipulate me. please can i have your opinions as i am getting so confused. i have bipolar and i know i do overreact but in this case, i think i am right. i dont want the relationship to end but fail to see how it can continue now. i cant put my kids at this risk of him losing his temper again.i have been trying to phone womens aid's helpline all night but there is no answer. i even phoned the samaritans but they were really just interested in if i felt suicidal (i dont) i was just desperate to talk to someone about all this. Ds seems ok, i kept checking on him til he fell asleep and he has no marks (yet)to be honest he seemed rather nonplussed, not that that changes anything. I just cant believe this has happened.

Chubfuddler Wed 29-May-13 05:41:17

Yes you need to end the relationship. Where he goes really isnt your concern. He's just crying for himself, he's been found out as an arsehole. He expected you to tolerate this. I'm so glad you won't.

antsypants Wed 29-May-13 05:41:25

You are not overreacting.

Sometimes even when your child is maturing, they need parented and protected, your instincts are correct, and your son will have more respect for you and be more assured that you love and respect him for making this decision.

Think of it this way, if you had been out and a grown man had grabbed your 13 year old child around the throat and sworn at him, do you think your reaction would have been any less decisive.

Any man capable of violently attacking and screaming at a child would not be in my house, full stop.

Rulesgirl Wed 29-May-13 05:41:38

Mmmm...not nice for you but at the end of the day, they are your kids and although he lives there too, he has overstepped the mark.

Chubfuddler Wed 29-May-13 05:42:23

And I think you should consider repotting this to the police.

Morgause Wed 29-May-13 05:42:26

Get him out.

You are not overreacting.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Wed 29-May-13 05:44:24

You do have to end this relationship, your fiancée is an abuser with an anger problem. It is totally unacceptable behaviour from him and I imagine that he displays other abusive behaviours too.
You must protect your son, not only physically but emotionally, allowing this abuser to stay in the house or in a relationship with you would tell your DS that he is second best and unimportant.
You're doing the right thing.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 05:48:14

phew i knew in my guts i was not overreacting, what worried me a lot was that he wasn't even sorry. i am gutted that the relationship has ended in this way as apart from this incident things were fantastic, but once is once too many, i cant risk it happening again. he has been begging me that it wont happen again but frankly, i don't believe him.

i fear i will need some hand holding over the next few weeks as i adjust to single life. i just hope my poor son is not too scared/upset by it. we are going to a pottery cafe tomorrow, just me and DS so I will try and talk to him about it then, and explain that DF wont be coming back.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 05:48:48

what are the other abusive behaviours?

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 06:02:06

ah have found a list on the womens aid website. he can be jealous and likes to know where i am at all times, often phoning me whilst i am out to 'make sure i am ok' and he doesn't seem to like it when my friends come over. And he definitly did this after the events of last night:

'Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.' so yeah. not so perfect after all confused

WarmFuzzyFun Wed 29-May-13 06:18:58

You are a great mother.

It is the right decision. Well done.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 06:30:22

thanks warmfuzzyfun but i dont feel like a great mother, i feel like a fool, this guy seemed like a real safe bet, yet he is not.Maybe there were warning signs? i am thinking back and he has been a bit snappy with the kids and me lately but then if i spoke to him about it he said he was not being snappy in his tone.yet more denial.

i am going to stay single til the kids have moved out i think. Its just too much to cope with , i would always be worried that a future boyfriend would flip out like whats happened last night. I still cant get an answer from the domestic violence helpline, its meant to be a 24 hour number.

both our names are on the tenancy aggreement. i am worried i will have a battle to get him to leave.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Wed 29-May-13 06:56:10

Don't think too far in advance about staying single etc...you never know what is round the corner.

For now, just concentrate on getting rid of this one.

I think you may be right in that I don't think he's going to make it easy for you. But he has to go.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 07:03:04

thanks thebirds thats sound advice, one day at a time is enough for me at the moment. I must remember that. i am actually quite ill at the moment and don't know how i will manage as he is/was my carer. I cant face a battle for the tenancy of the house. i suppose if it comes to it me and the kids can go and stay with my mum. I just dont want them (ex DF and DS) under the same roof ever again as it would not be right by DS.

I am hoping he will be gone (to his parents) when we come back from pottery today. he is asleep on the sofa at the moment. both DS's are upstairs asleep. I will wake them up in a bit, get dressed quickly and take them out for breakfast before pottery to minimise any time with exDF. tried the womens aid helpline again, still no answer.

AnyFucker Germany Wed 29-May-13 07:31:46

Yes, you are right, you need to put your sons first and end this relationship

TimidLivid Wed 29-May-13 10:32:02

It was over such a minor thing , what about when you son gets older maybe has a bit of real rebellion going on, if that treatment is justified for being cheeky. What would ur df do if your son really kicked off like teenagers sometimes do. Sounds like df wouldent be able to respond appropriately. Like he is not cut out for the stresses of family life and sees your son as another big man in his house not the child that he is.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 17:27:46

well i have come home and he has gone,leaving a note saying he has nowhere to stay as of friday. (not my problem) i just cant stop crying

StuffezLaYoni Wed 29-May-13 17:30:12

It must be horrible for you, but you know you've done the only responsible thing. Nobody forced him to assault your son, and if you'd let him get away with it you'd have been sending your son the explicit message that he is less important than your partner.
I hope your day out has been nice xx

AnyFucker Germany Wed 29-May-13 17:42:03

Have a good cry and then give yourself a pat on the back for making it abundantly clear that some bloke is not more important than your children

He left you no choice, love

MadBusLady Wed 29-May-13 17:42:21

You've acted quickly and decisively and put your DS first despite the difficulties it causes you, and he WILL notice that. So don't feel guilty that you made a mistake - you corrected it as soon as it became obvious.

On another note, you must have the most terrifically well-adjusted and lovely 13yo boy if he likes going to pottery cafes with you! I thought they were all in the ignore-and-grunt stage by then.

Mumsnet's page on housing rights.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Wed 29-May-13 17:44:29

I'm sorry mrslincoln it must be so tough. You've done the right thing, for you and your family.

aroomofherown Wed 29-May-13 17:50:53

I would consider reporting this to the police as it might make it easier to get him off he tenancy agreement if you have evidence.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 18:08:21

thank you everyone, i just spoke to womens aid (at last!) and they also suggested reporting it to the police on the 101 number so i will do that. we had a great time at the pottery place, both my sons came along and they both loved it. i had to work really hard to hold it together whilst we were there but i did it.

his note goes on to say that he only ever wanted to look after me and he tried his best and he is sorry if he dissapointed me. there is no mention of the incident or an apology for DS. the p.s states that he will be back next week for the rest of his stuff.

i will need to arrange with him when he comes to collect his stuff as obviously i dont want DS's seeing him and i would like another adult here whilst he is here.

he still has his key,which is worrying. i have locked the door on the inside so he can't get his key in the lock from the outside.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 18:12:21

thanks madbuslady for the info.

Succoria Wed 29-May-13 18:17:20

If it were me I would leave his stuff outside on the street, frankly. But I'm impetuous and irrational like that. Yes, having another adult (preferably an enormous rough looking man) there is a very good idea.

You absolutely did the right thing for you and your family. Don't doubt yourself for one second. You have been very brave and very strong.

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