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Just realised that my lovely MIL is envious of me...

(55 Posts)
Salbertina Mon 27-May-13 09:04:50

Always generally got on well (unless visits longer than a few days when gets a bit much for both of us). I've turned to her recently, mainly due to issues with my own v cold and difficult dm and feeling rather depressed and isolated overseas.

I recently unexpectedly received a "pull yourself together" type letter which told me for a THIRD time how my friends must envy me (wtf?) and how "blissful" my life was and how lucky i am in having a good, ambitious provider in dh (unlike FIL).

So, where to go from here? I think i expected too much from her- projecting lovely mother vibes onto her, forgetting she's my MIL and has her own issues...probably not fair to have burdened her with mine. Problem is I've lost a lot of trust and she's due a long visit with us.

Any thoughts please? She is lovely, funny and kind most of the time and I'm very fond of her.

Salbertina Tue 28-May-13 07:58:45

I think she thinks there was no other choice for her (coming from her generation) than FIL.

She is rather materialistic/ambitious, unlike him who was salt of the earth, live a humble/decent life kind of person.. So i realise she judges my/our "success" on dh's salary/our house rather than the fact that we'd separated a while ago, struggle with an SN dc, have lots of debt and no proper friends where we live, as well as tricky family on my side.

springymater Tue 28-May-13 08:31:04

When she comes to stay, hold your ground (emotionally, that is). You don't have to feel ashamed because she blocked your efforts for greater intimacy. My mum is the same - she's lovely, but maybe that generation doesn't get the emotional literacy we are used to and is very much part of our lives and culture. We are a therapised culture, after all; whereas theirs just wasn't.

I do relate to the need for closeness and intimacy with a mother-figure. My mother wasn't overtly abusive, but there is no way of getting close to her and never has been. I recently burst into tears because we had started to watch a film together and I was pinching myself, thinking 'I'm doing something with my mum!' and she suddenly got up and said very bluntly that she wasn't interested.

It's a blow to have your MIL block you like this, it must hurt a lot. Can you get therapy where you are? Are there ways to pump up the friendship quota? Are there support groups for eg SN kids? Maybe cast your net wider and see what comes up.

hugs to all of us with a mother dearth in our lives ((()))

springymater Tue 28-May-13 08:34:53

NB you could consider skype therapy if therapy isn't available where you are?

Salbertina Tue 28-May-13 08:40:56

Thanks for your insight and kindness, Springy. Sorry to hear your dm can be so hurtful hmm, how rude just to get up and leave!

I've kind of given up on the friendship front- not so long left where we are. Had invested too heavily in friendships when we first arrived and now.. Can't be arsed. Should make some effort as realise isolation doing me no favours. Little SN support here compared to UK so mainly get on with it and spend hours supporting dc through hmk each night, v frustrating process for us both!

Mollydoggerson Tue 28-May-13 08:46:25

Springy I laughed out loud at the film watching experience, that is my mother to a tee. Just couldn't be bothered and also is completely blind to how her disinterest is percieved by the other party. But as you say (in fairness to the older generation), they are not a therapised generation, their brain patterns do not flip over how some of their more minor actions will be percieved by others.

Maybe we are just too soft, after all!

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