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Please help me stop my anger over divorce getting the better of me

(66 Posts)
SoBloodyAngry Sun 26-May-13 23:15:32

It's almost a year since STBXH left DS and I for OW. He has shown not once ounce of remorse and in fact openly gloats to anyone (including me) about his fantastic new life.

He only sees DS when the OW has other plans and as soon as the sun is shining, he's nowhere to be seen. Any complaints i make about this are met with letters from his solicitor about me causing trouble by using DS a emotional blackmail.The divorce is hell and he's successfully getting away with paying us only the bare minimum despite his big city salary.

Trouble is I'm finding my anger towards this man getting the better of me and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm daydreaming about him getting run over by a bus and such like and I appreciate that this just isn't healthy. He knows exactly what buttons to push and find myself at times shaking with such pure anger that I feel I am going to explode.

What the hell can I do to stop him getting to me like this? I want to not give a flying shit about this man but it is all so bloody unfair. Where is the punishment they get for destroying families for their own personal persuit of pleasure? When do they get to feel a tiny bit of the absolute hell and devastation that they cause? I want him to pay for what he has done and all he gets its a pat on the back for being 'brave enough' to leave a relationship that was clearly not keeping him happy.

I feel like I'm going insane, please help!

A1980 Fri 31-May-13 10:04:48

I would be tempted not to divorce the Bastard in these circumstances.

He has no grounds divorce you. If he wants to divorce you he'll have to wait 5 years for the no consent divorce ;)

whenwillthisbedone Fri 31-May-13 09:29:00

springymater

Thankyou! DD is doing remarkably well she had a small melt down last week at after school when her and her BF had a argument that with quotes such as - my mummy hates your mummy and heartbreakingly my DD replied your mummy stole my Daddy away. I am concerned though as last night she told me her Daddy was now her BFs daddy so i needed to get her a new one - but not for a while as its the best just the two of us!

She is moving schools in a few weeks just to try and get some distance really for both of us as I dont want my DD witnesssing her Dad with her BF or her BF saying your daddy did this with us etc

Her BF seems ok about it all as she is 5 and this is man number 3 in her life.

Its just not the life I wanted for your family! But I think Im more upset that the 'dreams' has been taken and will be lived by someone else rather than the reality that in fact he is a prick!

springymater Thu 30-May-13 18:37:27

apologies for being insistent there ^^ I'd already said that, it didn't need repeating.

bats22 Thu 30-May-13 18:32:08

What I'm trying to say in a clumsy way is: don't try to stop your anger, aim to express it safely.
That's what I've been told to do anyway!

bats22 Thu 30-May-13 18:26:58

Apparently anger requires physical expression in order to be worked through. When shouting and violence are not practical (always?!), you need to find another outlet. I'm going to try the classic writing an angry letter and then BURNING it. And trampling on the ashes. Not entirely sure this is up to the job, tbh, but worth a go.

I think the problem with anger at the end of a relationship is that it is so normal, so everyday, for relationships to end that the world just expects you to get on with it, even if you've been royally screwed over. You can feel like a stuck record going on about your pain to your friends, which is why counselling is so useful. You can't bore a counsellor with your feelings.

springymater Thu 30-May-13 17:27:46

Again, who gives a fuck what he thinks? I'm not talking about angst-ridden rage, I'm talking about RAGE. So what if he thinks 'she's nuts'? So what? You don't hve to make a habit of it, just don't fucking hold it in for a slimebag.

((((( whenwillthisbedone )))))

What selfish, selfish, selfish bastards! And how does dd and dd's BF cope with this unbelievably selfish behaviour on the part of their unbelievably selfish father/mother??? angry

She doesn't have your life (though I get what you're saying, of course). She has the lowlife who would do something as low as this.

whenwillthisbedone Thu 30-May-13 14:49:33

I needed this thread more than anything today! Im 5 months on and my DD has now started spending time with the XP and the OW (my DD BFs mum). She wouldnt speak to me to establish some boundaries and it was all done behind my back!

I sometimes think my anger is drivng me crazy! (made worse by my she has everything thats mine thoughts!)

If he's a 'horrible little scrotum' (and he certainly is) then he's not worth OP's anger. Anger shows that you care and it's pointless showing that you care to a man who has checked out and moved on. The OP is left playing catch up emotionally unfortunately. No contact and reaching the goal of indifference all the way.

It's not to care about what he thinks (I was just pointing out that angry outbursts will serve no purpose - he'll only twist it for his own ends) it's just self protection to put those boundaries up until you really don't care - fake it till you make it. Using the anger to sort out maintenance, housing etc. and making sure to get everything you're entitled to is a much better channel for it at the moment imo.

'Revenge best served looking and feeling fab' - totally agree with that.

BringMeTea Thu 30-May-13 06:26:05

Dolly
Of course that was clear. Pay no mind to the muppetry. I have seen some of your previous posts and am full of admiration for your intellgence and wit in the face of extreme adversity.

Ticktok

I think it's clear no one (inc myself) is equating being left by a husband to centuries of political and racial oppression. As is common, I was using a quote to illustrate a point of view. Quotes are rarely used solely in their absolute context (otherwise they would not be quotes). I'm a bit puzzled by the exhortation to 'think about it'.

tightfortime Wed 29-May-13 23:17:37

Revenge... Best served looking and feeling fab with a brilliant new life and showing complete and utter indifference. While raging, certainly. Focus on you. Not him.

springymater Wed 29-May-13 23:03:55

Who cares what he thinks? He's nobody in this scenario, just a horrible little scrotum. And OP is supposed to be holding in her volcanic, righteous, power-the-universe anger so she doesn't look bad in front of him ??

that, if I may say so, makes no sense to me. Who gives a fuck about his opinion, frankly.

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 29-May-13 21:39:15

David icke?

My heroines feet are looking a bit clay like! How could she?

IKnowWhat Wed 29-May-13 21:27:36

Ride out the anger.... of course you feel angry, anyone would feel angry in your situation. Can you just do the best you can to manage the anger with the knowledge that IT WILL GET BETTER.

It just takes time.

Maybe it will never go away but I bet it will improve dramatically over the years.

If you let him see you angry he'll probably think:-

1) She can't live without me. I've got two women mad about me how fantastic am I? - huge ego boost.

2) She is crazy - no wonder I felt the need to look elsewhere - I am totally justified.

It might seem better to express your anger but there is a lot to be said for not letting him get any satisfaction or 'emotional hit' from your pain. The pay off for dignity is in the future - it might seem like an old cliche but there's a reason for it - it's good advice.

As for channeling your inner Jane - with her keen wit and sense of humour she would likely have made mincemeat of an errant spouse so it might be a good ideasmile

springymater Wed 29-May-13 20:56:06

Maya Angelou's book of choice on her Desert Island was a book by David Icke. Just saying. Great woman and all that

ticktocktammy Wed 29-May-13 19:52:50

When Maya Angelous speaks of injustice and anger she means a people who suffered slavery and centuries of violent social and political oppression and discrimination.. not getting dumped by a BF/ExH.
Think about it.

springymater Wed 29-May-13 18:14:37

Sometimes you have to deliver a short, sharp, slap. NOt roll over and be 'dignified' - which they read as 'weak'. It's not weak, but they're too stupid to see it for what it is. Pearls before swine...

Of course it shouldn't happen in front of the children! That goes without saying. However, if you have no choice but to have to engage with a wanker then it is not always the best thing to channel your Jane Austen. Sometimes Bouddica does the trick.

I always think a good ROAR at an appropriate time and place is good for the soul, personally. Not an anguished roar but a

POWERFUL

R-OOO-AAAA-RRRRRRR

Personally I think hanging on to some dignity is a very good strategy - don't give them the satisfaction of knowing how hurt/upset you are. You might not appreciate it at the moment but you will when you look back and have less cringe making memories than you might have had. It is better to be civil for the sake of your children even if you have to grit your teeth in the process you will feel glad you did in the future - and there will be a time when you look back and feel nothing for him.

That doesn't mean you can't be bloody furious in private and stick pins in an effigy of him - I think you just have to live with the anger and let it find its own way out in time. You feel that someone worthwhile has been taken from you but he isn't and one day you will be glad that he is gone. Hiis treatment of you and your son is not the behaviour of a decent guy and one day you will realise you are well rid.

SoBloodyAngry Wed 29-May-13 16:40:11

Yes, yes, YES!

If I have to listen to another well meaning relative telling me to me 'rise above it', 'keep your dignity', 'swallow your pride for the sake of your son' and simply just 'let it go' I'm afraid I might just let go of more than they bargained for!

Yes, I know they all speak sense and I truly, honestly wish I could do all those things as i know that ultimately its me that is being eaten away whilst he lives it up, its just that I have this burning desire to see him struck down with cock rot and as cogito said, I'm really struggling with the hideous realisation that it just isn't going to happen.

I can't think of many other aspects of life where you can enter into a contract and just decide one day that its not for you, piss off sticking two fingers up and there is no punishment or come back. Even with a job you have to work a notice period!hmm It's just so wrong and so unfair.

However, I will not let this arse wipe of a man destroy the rest of my life. He has taken a year from me and probably my home too but he is as worthy as a stain on used underwear.

I know I must detach if I have any chance of making progress in pulling my life out of the U bend and I seriously will take onboard all of the fantastic advice. I can't promise that ill stop praying for that rogue bolt of lightning to hit him right between the eyes any time soon though....grin

startlife Wed 29-May-13 16:35:45

Brilliant, Dolly.

We often feel angry when our boundaries have been violated, lots of violations = lots of anger.

The anger could be the start of your healing but its important to disengage and establish new boundaries so that he doesn't continue to hurt you.

I have found yoga really helpful, it seems to release my creativity so that I can problem solve which helps me to move forward.

springymater Wed 29-May-13 14:51:18

actually I have my integrity, humanity, intellect, usual foibles, wit, smarts, frailities and I don't subscribe to reductive phrases like that!

oh yessssss! GO GO GO crappy reductive phrases - G0

<<waves effusive pom-poms>>

<leg kick, leg kick>

<high 5>

and meant to add to those who said my dignity was all I had left. My internal if not external reponse was - and remains - actually I have my integrity, humanity, intellect, usual foibles, wit, smarts, frailities and I don't subscribe to reductive phrases like that! xx

I agree with Springy re the sentiment. Trite as it may sound it is a journey to both use and get through the anger. The trick - which is hugely difficult - is to make sure that the anger doesn't become destructive to your own well being.

Personally, and this isn't presented as a learning as everyone is different, but for me, I certainly didn't and have no apologies for the intense anger I felt. Like you at times I was worried about myself in terms of the intensity but I think it is entirely natural. After all, lets not forget I (we) bet our lives on someone and ultimately they betrayed us. Damn frickin straight I was incandescent about being discarded (in my case) with no warning, financially marginalised, forced unwillingly to be a part time parent, forced to scramble to reignite a career in a new country and create a new life at precisely the moment I was least equipped emotionally, physically and financially to do so.

I felt pressure from (his) family and friends to 'get over it' within weeks/ months. I can't tell you how many people who urged me to 'keep hold of your dignity' that is the only thing you have left. Well actually. Fuck that. I didn't do anything 'insane' or 'undignified' per se BUT if my anger expressed in private to select people made people uncomfortable then tough shit. Of COURSE I was/am angry about the life I had chosen, lived and embraced was ripped away. Of COURSE I was pissed off that ex turned into twat and spent the next several year shirking his responsibilities and being a **. I was happy to OWN that anger. IMHO insane not to feel electrically furious about it to make other people more comfortable. But I did learn to talk to those who 'get it' and to train myself to disengage from ex and not fan the flames of my ire. Didn't always happen but I'm a big believer in feeling what you feel till you don't feel it at all.

Huge love
Dolly

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 28-May-13 09:39:55

There may not be karma, but selfish, immature unreliable men do not suddenly become great guys when they fuck off with another woman. She gets this inferior specimen.

He remains a selfish wanker and I can only hope that men who lack substance like this, are seen for what they are by those who really know them - a form of karma perhaps

These 'starter overs' who do not live up to their promises are a very low life form :-(

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