Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help me stop my anger over divorce getting the better of me

(66 Posts)
SoBloodyAngry Sun 26-May-13 23:15:32

It's almost a year since STBXH left DS and I for OW. He has shown not once ounce of remorse and in fact openly gloats to anyone (including me) about his fantastic new life.

He only sees DS when the OW has other plans and as soon as the sun is shining, he's nowhere to be seen. Any complaints i make about this are met with letters from his solicitor about me causing trouble by using DS a emotional blackmail.The divorce is hell and he's successfully getting away with paying us only the bare minimum despite his big city salary.

Trouble is I'm finding my anger towards this man getting the better of me and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm daydreaming about him getting run over by a bus and such like and I appreciate that this just isn't healthy. He knows exactly what buttons to push and find myself at times shaking with such pure anger that I feel I am going to explode.

What the hell can I do to stop him getting to me like this? I want to not give a flying shit about this man but it is all so bloody unfair. Where is the punishment they get for destroying families for their own personal persuit of pleasure? When do they get to feel a tiny bit of the absolute hell and devastation that they cause? I want him to pay for what he has done and all he gets its a pat on the back for being 'brave enough' to leave a relationship that was clearly not keeping him happy.

I feel like I'm going insane, please help!

verygentlydoesit Mon 27-May-13 10:56:25

I'm afraid to admit that I agree with Cogito, I don't want her to be right (nothing personal, just that the karma story sounds fairer), but she is. I think it's a tricky thing to come to terms with, but it's well worth doing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 11:14:11

"I'm not a saint though so do grind my teeth about it from time to time."

I literally haven't seen my ex since the day he left and what grape-vine there was has withered away because it's been so long now. But I know he's successful, married to the 'OW', has a couple of kids and a nice lifestyle in a swanky part of London. All things we planned to do. When things look tough I occasionally grind my teeth and think 'she's living my life' but then I sit down with a brew and remember what an utter arse the man was in so many rich and varied ways.... and smile.

SoBloodyAngry Mon 27-May-13 11:18:16

Thank you everyone so much, I scare myself sometimes with the strength of the anger that rises up inside me when I have to deal with this man. I don't ever think I've had such strong emotions about anything like this before and I think I'm also so frustrated that its wasted on this pathetic creature.

My solicitor is doing all he can to get my fair share but ex is no fool and has disposed of bonus payments etc via 'legitimte debt'. Even the letters from his solicitor have me climbing the walls as they accuse me of being difficult and stirring up trouble rather than being 'flexible'.

Sorry to hear there are so many of us in the same boat, at least we have MN to help point us in the right direction and know that we are not alone and clinically insane.

I think I'm going to have to find a way of totally cutting him out of my life, I have been trying to do the 'polite and courteous' thing for DS but at the moment it's doing more harm than good. I feel selfish myself for putting my feelings in front of what is best of DS but I fear that if it continues I may do something I'll regret at a later date.

Hello So

Sadly I have been and continue to be in your situation. My ex-H left me unexpectedly for OW (I was in middle of IVF), pays minimum, hugely difficult about everything (2 years later ongoing legal letters about various things) and with added twist I'm stranded on other side of world.

Things that I wish I had done/help me now are:-

1. Don't get bullied by his solicitor (access to $$ to spend money on intimidating). Easier said than done but I rolled over and died on a few key issues as did not at that point have the fight or money to spend on it. Wish I had.

2. The hardest thing to get my head around is that there is no 'better' side of him/history of our family to appeal to. The person I knew has gone. It has taken me 2 years to realise this and stop being emotional in my dealings/interaction with him.

3. Have a 24 hour rule if you are phone/text/email in contact - ie don't respond to anything until you have sat on it to let anger to settle and be considered.

4. Sounds dramatic but read key passages of the 'art of war'. This has helped me reign in my natural inclination to rush into things and think that he has best interests of DS.

5. This is hard. But resolve he has taken the life you expected to have but he will not take the life you can have. This isn't going to happen over night but it has taken me SO long to realise that i'm actually dealing with the 'enemy' here.

6. Concur with consensus on karma BUT take some comfort in the fact that it is a sign of insecurity/weakness to want to rub things in to the person left behind. My ex does this ALL the time. Simple logistical email about football is met with 'can't do that as DS really enjoys spending time with his family and his brother (OW son - not his technical brother) and I now have to send all emails to OWnameandexHname @....email....used to INFURIATE me, now I think how sad that you are spending energy on telling me how happy you are. If I am as happy again, as I hope to be, I certainly won't be wasting any time on telling ex H. I'll must live it.

7. Finally managed anger can propel you thought. One of my favourite quotes is Maya Angelou "Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean"...use it wisely.

Huge love
Dolly

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 11:33:41

What's best for DS is you feeling strong and confident. If that means being true to yourself, not putting on a brave face & cutting out Dad for all but essential communications, that's how it has to be. If Dad CBA keeping in contact, if he makes life difficult, then he has to ultimately take responsibility for the impact that has on his relationship with his child. I don't know how old your DS is but children are not daft.... they see things, hear things and, above all, they can spot when someone's being fake.

MissAnnersley Mon 27-May-13 11:45:31

I love that quote from Maya Angelou dolly.

noxius Mon 27-May-13 11:57:30

Your anger is natural and understandable. Trite to say, but it will get easier.

Agree about cutting contact. Don't engage with the man, let your solicitor deal with everything. Distance yourself as much as possible, let somebody else (if possible) do the/any handovers so you don't have to see him.

ivykaty44 Mon 27-May-13 12:09:16

all the people that have told you to detach are giving wonderful advise grin

if he is able to push bottoms then you are engaging with him - either by phone, text, or on the doorstep - stop

if he doesn't want to see his dc - then that is his problem. I would get your own solicitor to wrote a letter stating you want him to have regular contact every other weekend friday through till monday and not keep letting dc down by not turning up etc.

Then build your own life- meet friend, look for clubs to join that run at weekends - ok so you miss one weekend but still go along and meet new people.

Think of things you and dc can do together any joint interests? karate, running, cycling (plenty of cycling clubs around) book clubs or start an adult and junior book club yourself.

By the time you have put so much energy into your own life and made it fantastic - you will not have the time or energy to be angry at - who was it you were angry with whats his name?

skyeskyeskye Mon 27-May-13 15:00:12

hate is the other side of love. the thing to aim for is indifference. I'm still not there yet, but will be one day. It's been 12 months since XH walked out with no warning after excessive contact with OW. OW is still with her H, XH is still obsessed with her.

I have dreams of karma, of her dumping him and him realising that he fucked his whole life up. This may or may not happen. What I do know for sure is that XH is up to his eyes in debt. This doesnt make me happy, but it proves that I did the right thing by divorcing him so quickly.

I reply to emails instantly. XH can take up to three weeks or never. This infuriates me. Yet I dont reply to ONE text from him to speak to DD, so he doesnt ring her at all and its all MY fault, because there was no point in him trying again.... - after one missed text..... talk about giving up easily.....

I was accused of being awkward and difficult for not having DD back on one of his weekends, so that he could go out with OW for her birthday I wasn't home myself..... I have come to realise that whatever I do, I am branded unreasonable, awkward and difficult, so there is no point in trying to be nice about anything.

i agree with no contact. I put all DD's things outside the door and XH just picks her up, I don't see him at all, or speak to him. We communicate by text and email.

I wasted too much energy on XH, trying to get him to reply to emails, answer questions, pick up and drop off on time..... at the end of the day, my DD will one day realise what a twat her father is.

as for karma, well I'm still hopeful that his life will fall apart. That will probably be my fault too, even if its in a few years time grin

so stay strong, resolve to get a good deal on the house or whatever finances there are to sort out. Keep contact to a minimum, keep emails/texts to the point. make sure that you go to the CSA to ensure that you are getting the money that you are entitled to. It should be £12% of his gross salary for one child, increases for more children. He can still pay you directly if thats what he is doing now.

ivykaty - push bottoms ?? grin grin

Selba Mon 27-May-13 15:35:08

dolly, that's a great post and I got angry at number 6 on your behalf!

You've had some brilliant advice on here, and I will only repeat what others have said - try to detach yourself as much as you can.

I'm currently going through a messy divorce with my H. I've just had his baby. He's with OW, who has also had his baby in December. shock He has been an absolute bastard.

However, one thing I've learnt over the last few months is whilst I can't change him, I can change the way I respond to him. Which for me has been to ignore him. He has been constantly texting me, emailing me, sending me cards during the last few months, and all this was inevitably 'getting' to me. Several months ago I decided to ignore everything he sent and have only had contact through a solicitor. It was hard, but very soon the power I felt was worth it. These men want to hurt you, they want to goad you, they want to gloat. My H has hated the fact that I have ignored him. Yes he still pisses me off enormously and I still have dreams about bad things happening to him, BUT I will never ever give him the satisfaction of him knowing this.

Also agree with the comment about Karma too sadly.

PenelopePortrait Mon 27-May-13 16:55:02

Some great advice here.

Dolly so agree re your points, especially the solicitor. It absolutely enraged me together those letters saying that I was lying, being difficult and he was a bloody saint who only wanted what he was entitled to. It was my bloody money and my house he wanted! In the end I gave up/caved in, couldn't fight anymore. It was a relief thought - at the time.

X even emailed my DM telling her how difficult I was and how he only wanted the best for everyone. She was bloody apoplectic with rage and emailed him putting him straight. I would love her to bump into him, even now - that would be karma.

I don't have any contact, ignored his texts and emails. It 's over 4 years now. On the whole I would say I am indifferent, just now and again hate creeps in.

jynier Mon 27-May-13 22:23:07

dolly - have been a huge admirer of Maya Angelou for years and years; heard her on Desert Island Discs not too long ago and was deeply moved by her level-headedness and lack of hatred!

However, believe that (for many of us) bitterness and anger are linked, especially when we have suffered huge betrayal and loss so the quote doesn't work for me (sadly)!

SBA - sincerely hope that you are feeling a bit better! Best wishes, x

springymater Mon 27-May-13 22:56:38

I relate totally to what you're saying. I had vivid fantasies of torturing my husband - it got me off to sleep! It was relaxing and soothing....

However, I had extensive contact with my ex, who went to great lengths to goad me etc. The main point of contact was our children. He wasn't at all interested in a relationship with them and predictably blocked my attempts to facilitate a relationship between them. Then he realised he could wind me up better/have more access to me through the children, so he got on to that with gusto.

I was so angry sometimes my body quaked on the inside. I realise now that the best thing a man can do for his children is love their mother. He just tortured me (hence my torture fantasies??) and he enjoyed the power of it <<quake>>. I was an idiot to force a relationship between him and the children imo.

Find a way to let the anger out. It's there for a reason, you can't stuff it down, it'll find a way out. I found hitting a baseball bat on the bed/cushions so therapeutic to express the anger, through my body. Perhaps kick-boxing or something very physical would do the same thing = lance the anger. You have been deeply, deeply hurt - and continue to be deeply, deeply hurt. Allow the anger for now until the time it starts to ease. You can't rush it imo.

this all happened to me a long time ago. I can't agree with other posters about 'karma' etc. I used to think it was bullshit, platitudes to help people cope with the injustice of life. I suppose I've been around long enough to see that you really do reap what you sow. My evil ex reaped what he had sown. By the time he did, I didn't care. I even felt sorry for him in a distant way.

The best thing is to go no contact. Make this your aim to effect this to the very best of your ability. re If his shit isn't constantly in your face, with him rubbing salt in the wound, you don't get a chance to recover: insult on injury. If you get a break from him, you get a chance to smooth your feathers and find your centre again.

springymater Mon 27-May-13 22:58:03

imo Maya Angelou didn't get to her lack of hatred overnight. She went through the anger and bitterness of intense injustice and pain.

springymater Mon 27-May-13 23:00:55

got jumbled there re isn't/is

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 28-May-13 09:39:55

There may not be karma, but selfish, immature unreliable men do not suddenly become great guys when they fuck off with another woman. She gets this inferior specimen.

He remains a selfish wanker and I can only hope that men who lack substance like this, are seen for what they are by those who really know them - a form of karma perhaps

These 'starter overs' who do not live up to their promises are a very low life form :-(

I agree with Springy re the sentiment. Trite as it may sound it is a journey to both use and get through the anger. The trick - which is hugely difficult - is to make sure that the anger doesn't become destructive to your own well being.

Personally, and this isn't presented as a learning as everyone is different, but for me, I certainly didn't and have no apologies for the intense anger I felt. Like you at times I was worried about myself in terms of the intensity but I think it is entirely natural. After all, lets not forget I (we) bet our lives on someone and ultimately they betrayed us. Damn frickin straight I was incandescent about being discarded (in my case) with no warning, financially marginalised, forced unwillingly to be a part time parent, forced to scramble to reignite a career in a new country and create a new life at precisely the moment I was least equipped emotionally, physically and financially to do so.

I felt pressure from (his) family and friends to 'get over it' within weeks/ months. I can't tell you how many people who urged me to 'keep hold of your dignity' that is the only thing you have left. Well actually. Fuck that. I didn't do anything 'insane' or 'undignified' per se BUT if my anger expressed in private to select people made people uncomfortable then tough shit. Of COURSE I was/am angry about the life I had chosen, lived and embraced was ripped away. Of COURSE I was pissed off that ex turned into twat and spent the next several year shirking his responsibilities and being a **. I was happy to OWN that anger. IMHO insane not to feel electrically furious about it to make other people more comfortable. But I did learn to talk to those who 'get it' and to train myself to disengage from ex and not fan the flames of my ire. Didn't always happen but I'm a big believer in feeling what you feel till you don't feel it at all.

Huge love
Dolly

and meant to add to those who said my dignity was all I had left. My internal if not external reponse was - and remains - actually I have my integrity, humanity, intellect, usual foibles, wit, smarts, frailities and I don't subscribe to reductive phrases like that! xx

springymater Wed 29-May-13 14:51:18

actually I have my integrity, humanity, intellect, usual foibles, wit, smarts, frailities and I don't subscribe to reductive phrases like that!

oh yessssss! GO GO GO crappy reductive phrases - G0

<<waves effusive pom-poms>>

<leg kick, leg kick>

<high 5>

startlife Wed 29-May-13 16:35:45

Brilliant, Dolly.

We often feel angry when our boundaries have been violated, lots of violations = lots of anger.

The anger could be the start of your healing but its important to disengage and establish new boundaries so that he doesn't continue to hurt you.

I have found yoga really helpful, it seems to release my creativity so that I can problem solve which helps me to move forward.

SoBloodyAngry Wed 29-May-13 16:40:11

Yes, yes, YES!

If I have to listen to another well meaning relative telling me to me 'rise above it', 'keep your dignity', 'swallow your pride for the sake of your son' and simply just 'let it go' I'm afraid I might just let go of more than they bargained for!

Yes, I know they all speak sense and I truly, honestly wish I could do all those things as i know that ultimately its me that is being eaten away whilst he lives it up, its just that I have this burning desire to see him struck down with cock rot and as cogito said, I'm really struggling with the hideous realisation that it just isn't going to happen.

I can't think of many other aspects of life where you can enter into a contract and just decide one day that its not for you, piss off sticking two fingers up and there is no punishment or come back. Even with a job you have to work a notice period!hmm It's just so wrong and so unfair.

However, I will not let this arse wipe of a man destroy the rest of my life. He has taken a year from me and probably my home too but he is as worthy as a stain on used underwear.

I know I must detach if I have any chance of making progress in pulling my life out of the U bend and I seriously will take onboard all of the fantastic advice. I can't promise that ill stop praying for that rogue bolt of lightning to hit him right between the eyes any time soon though....grin

Personally I think hanging on to some dignity is a very good strategy - don't give them the satisfaction of knowing how hurt/upset you are. You might not appreciate it at the moment but you will when you look back and have less cringe making memories than you might have had. It is better to be civil for the sake of your children even if you have to grit your teeth in the process you will feel glad you did in the future - and there will be a time when you look back and feel nothing for him.

That doesn't mean you can't be bloody furious in private and stick pins in an effigy of him - I think you just have to live with the anger and let it find its own way out in time. You feel that someone worthwhile has been taken from you but he isn't and one day you will be glad that he is gone. Hiis treatment of you and your son is not the behaviour of a decent guy and one day you will realise you are well rid.

springymater Wed 29-May-13 18:14:37

Sometimes you have to deliver a short, sharp, slap. NOt roll over and be 'dignified' - which they read as 'weak'. It's not weak, but they're too stupid to see it for what it is. Pearls before swine...

Of course it shouldn't happen in front of the children! That goes without saying. However, if you have no choice but to have to engage with a wanker then it is not always the best thing to channel your Jane Austen. Sometimes Bouddica does the trick.

I always think a good ROAR at an appropriate time and place is good for the soul, personally. Not an anguished roar but a

POWERFUL

R-OOO-AAAA-RRRRRRR

ticktocktammy Wed 29-May-13 19:52:50

When Maya Angelous speaks of injustice and anger she means a people who suffered slavery and centuries of violent social and political oppression and discrimination.. not getting dumped by a BF/ExH.
Think about it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now