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Please help me stop my anger over divorce getting the better of me

(66 Posts)
SoBloodyAngry Sun 26-May-13 23:15:32

It's almost a year since STBXH left DS and I for OW. He has shown not once ounce of remorse and in fact openly gloats to anyone (including me) about his fantastic new life.

He only sees DS when the OW has other plans and as soon as the sun is shining, he's nowhere to be seen. Any complaints i make about this are met with letters from his solicitor about me causing trouble by using DS a emotional blackmail.The divorce is hell and he's successfully getting away with paying us only the bare minimum despite his big city salary.

Trouble is I'm finding my anger towards this man getting the better of me and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm daydreaming about him getting run over by a bus and such like and I appreciate that this just isn't healthy. He knows exactly what buttons to push and find myself at times shaking with such pure anger that I feel I am going to explode.

What the hell can I do to stop him getting to me like this? I want to not give a flying shit about this man but it is all so bloody unfair. Where is the punishment they get for destroying families for their own personal persuit of pleasure? When do they get to feel a tiny bit of the absolute hell and devastation that they cause? I want him to pay for what he has done and all he gets its a pat on the back for being 'brave enough' to leave a relationship that was clearly not keeping him happy.

I feel like I'm going insane, please help!

jynier Mon 27-May-13 00:11:40

SBA - You are not going insane; you are having a perfectly natural reaction to the betrayal by your H and the loss of your plans for the future together!

I am not the best person to advise anyone but stay on here and MNs will soon rally round - best wishes and good luck! Try and have a good night's sleep! x

PurpleThing Mon 27-May-13 00:21:16

I don`t think this helps but I feel the same.

I just try and focus on the good things, not having to put up with his crap all day, closer with ds, free to do what I want.

Lweji Mon 27-May-13 07:00:59

The first thing is to try and rise above the anger towards him and be thankful the twunt is out of your life.

However, I think I'd be writing a letter to his solicitor about the emotional impact of his neglect everytime he misses contact times.
And every time the children need something, such as new clothes.

Mosman Mon 27-May-13 07:26:38

And this is exactly why I am contemplating gritting my teeth and putting up with "my" dickhead for a bit longer.
I can just imagine every scrap of child support would need to be fought for, everything I asked for deemed unreasonable.
It's really hard but I guess you have to wait for the day when your son is old enough to realise who the good parent was and is thankful for that.

Mosman Mon 27-May-13 07:28:07

If he tries to gloat, slam the door in his face - if you happen to catch his nose/fingers/balls that's a bonus

purplewithred Mon 27-May-13 07:39:13

Perfectly reasonable to be angry and fantasise about him Coming to a humiliating and painful end. Personally I think it's quite healthy allow yourself a bit of a vent while the pressure is on, and not to bottle it up.

The best bit of advice I had was Do Not Engage. Separate from him as much as possible, minimise all contact, keep it formal, keep it logical and rational. Focus elsewhere. Like Mosman says, the world will be his judge and the world doesn't think much of people who treat their Dcs badly.

And Mosman, the sooner you get on with it the sooner you will be out the other side.

Mosman Mon 27-May-13 07:55:45

grin

BalloonSlayer Mon 27-May-13 08:26:21

His comeuppance will be that his DS will realise in time that his father couldn't be bothered with him. And Ex will have virtually no relationship with the fine young man that you will raise by yourself.

You have tried to get him to see more of his son. You got accused of emotional blackmail. So stop trying. You've done your bit. DS does not need a twunt like that in his life.

Cut off all contact as much as you can. Only contact him by email, about contact with DS.

Don't engage in conversation or give him any other opportunities to gloat - tbh I would be thinking perhaps he "doth protest too much" - people that go out of their way to go on and on at how fab things are for them are probably only trying to convince themselves.

If other people say to you "I hear Ex has got a new blahdeblah" just hold up your hand and say, "I'm really not interested." Fake it till you make it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 08:32:54

The phrase is 'don't get mad, get even'.... so do you have your own solicitor? Why is he getting away with the bare minimum? Why is he allowed to play fast and loose with the contact arrangements?

BalloonSlayer Mon 27-May-13 08:33:04

There was a psychological study many years back that got people who were thinking of buying a new car to rate models of cars on the market.

After they had bought their new car, they got them to rate them again.

They always rated the car they actually chose higher after they had bought it than they did before they bought it.

This is because people feel the need to validate their own decisions. They so much wanted to have made the right decision that they convinced themselves that the car they had chosen was miles better than all the others, even though before they had bought it they rated it much more realistically.

Similarly, when people like your Ex screw other people over and wreck lives, they have to convince themselves (and everyone else, but mainly themselves) that the new life they have got for themselves is so so SO much worth breaking hearts and having everyone think they are a shit. Because otherwise they might have to admit they made a dreadful mistake, thrown away their loving family for nothing, and yes they actually are a shit, and that ain't ever going to happen, is it?

MissAnnersley Mon 27-May-13 08:41:33

I understand completely.

Things that helped me -

- being thankful every day that I didn't live with him anymore
- keeping any contact to the bare minimum, curt and business like
- stopping trying to 'fix' him by being nice to him. This was a biggie. I thought that if I was as reasonable as possible ex would reciprocate. Big mistake. Letting go of that idea really helped.
- allowing myself to be angry and knowing it was a perfectly reasonable emotion to be feeling
- allowing myself the occasional ' run over by a bus' fantasy

I focused on my DC, other family and friends and made a point of being busy as I could be out with work hours.

It is not easy, it is not fun but you will get there. As ballonslayer says you may have to fake it but eventually it will be real.

2712 Mon 27-May-13 08:49:31

This is exactly the reason so many of us teeter so long on the edge before leaving as we can see what's ahead of us, and it ain't pretty.
I keep that saying in my head "What goes around, comes around" and I know that my DCs will eventually see what an arse their father is without any intervention from myself.
Keep strong OP, this will happen with your DS too.

lalloooooo Mon 27-May-13 08:54:57

Feel exactly the same... So consumed by anger. Reading this carefully and taking notes.

lalloooooo Mon 27-May-13 08:55:09

thanks

Detach as far as possible - no texts, no phone calls, no emails. Set contact times, get someone else to be at the house to do handover - leave if he doesn't show up within 15 minutes (and don't tell your son that contact is happening until your ex pulls up - that way he can't be disappointed).

Being angry is a completely normal emotion, enjoy your fantasies - they will lessen eventually.

Until you feel it, practise indifference - not rage, not being nice, indifference.

And get a good solicitor to get the maximum money for supporting your son - it's for him, it's not vindictive no matter what your ex says.

He won't be around much so you have to make sure you get the maximum amount.

lemonstartree Mon 27-May-13 09:11:14

Sorry for you troubles.

I agree, detach. If at all possible do not see him - can anyone else do handovers? y kids ae old enough that I drop them at the end of their Dads road and he drops them outside mine. We do not see one anther at all. Contact is by email only except in an emergency. It helps (alot)

Once you don't have the trigger 'in your face' all the time, I think you will be able to process your feelings better and let go of you anger

AND, you need a bloody good lawyer. Fight for your (and most importantly DS's ) financial security. Don't let him have it all his own way....

it WILL get better

lst x

mrsspratt Mon 27-May-13 09:21:03

Sobloody I am in a similar situation but six months further on from you. My Ex isn't as much as a knobber as yours, but things like contact are on his terms. The things that help me are:

I like the moral high ground-It's better than revenge!
I live with my children and see them a lot more than him so our relationship has become closer
I am now relieved that I don't have to live with him so I don't have to deal with the grumpy old git's sulks
As they get older the children make their own judgments about him, they see him `warts and all'

Oh, I am just about to start doing boxercise- to put those under a bus thoughts to good use!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 09:29:41

"Where is the punishment they get for destroying families for their own personal persuit of pleasure?"

NEWSFLASH! There is no 'punishment', no 'karma', no 'what goes around comes around', no 'natural justice' etc. The world does not stop turning for selfish people, and they rarely wake up one morning thinking 'what have I done?' ... because everything they do is for them and, as long as it's someone else holding the shitty end of the stick and not them, they're good. The thinking process is 'I'm winning and she's losing, therefore I'm happy'

I think the frustration you're feeling is coming to terms with the above. So rather than waiting or hoping for horrible things to happen to them (which is stooping to their level, let's face it) focus on making your life as good as it can be. A shit hot solicitor solves a multitude of sins as well. smile

comingintomyown Mon 27-May-13 10:15:15

I have been there and heres what I did

Quietly go about making sure you receive a fair financial settlement, at no point throw the towel in on this or resentment will fester away until your DS 18

Read several self help/divorce books to whizz me through the recovery process

Remember that the "solution" to all the pain and anger would be to be with him again and no way did I want that so therefore I would have to accept the pain and anger

Call to mind the way I was treated and all the positives about no longer having him in my life.

I agree with Cogito in that there wont be any karma as such, people said to me Oh it wont last with ow but it has for almost 4 years now and xh seems happy as Larry. Its interesting though I have wondered if what Balloonslayer said is true in this case as he would never want to admit his decision to leave was wrong

budgieshell Mon 27-May-13 10:30:37

This is all good advice and the best revenge is your own happiness.

Look to the future, try and let go of as much of the past as you can.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 10:37:12

I think Balloonslayer's philosophy is a version of sour grapes, unfortunately. We'd love to think, as the injured party, that our replacement will not shape up but that's just wounded pride talking. The new relationship may or may not succeed and the ex may or may not have regrets but there's damn all we can do about it. smile

MissAnnersley Mon 27-May-13 10:44:08

That's so true Cogito. It's all about letting go of the idea that you can have any kind of influence over the ex for good or bad.

My ex treated me very badly. He is remarried, happy and very successful in his career. But what can you do?

In a lot of ways I'm quite pleased about it because it makes DS's life easier. I'm not a saint though so do grind my teeth about it from time to time.

Basically it's his life not mine and I am very, very glad I'm no longer part of it.

Getting the practicalities properly sorted is important though.

Selba Mon 27-May-13 10:53:14

Absolutely agree with cogito's news flash above.
People do nasty stuff and totally get away with it, and there is no karma, no " what goes around ..." Etc.

Maybe he is happy as Larry, and will be forever. Maybe not. But there is no cosmic force guaranteeing him his comeuppance so don't waste energy thinking there is.

Be glad you are rid of him and as everyone else says, disengage!

He is a selfish git and wherever he goes he will be in the company of a selfish git! You won't - the OW has done you a favour by taking the selfish git off your hands. She is now the proud partner of a selfish git (lucky her) and you are now free to live a life of your choosing when the time is right.

Enjoy life with your lovely DS and feel pity for your Ex who doesn't know what he is missing - and get your fair share of maintenance as well.

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