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An update but more advice required if I may please ?

(37 Posts)
Mosman Sun 26-May-13 08:35:58

So he has a job in Australia thank god, that means we aren't in immediate dire straits any more.
He has to go off and attend a training course for two weeks in Brisbane which gives me some long over due space and takes away the heat and constant arguments.

It also means it's decision time really in my mind, I have excuses as to why we were still under the same roof etc and now they've gone so if I'm still here it has to be for the right reasons.

So my part in all this.

I married him for the wrong reasons, I was a single mum to an 11 month old baby when I met him. I wanted a family and a father for her and he ticked the required boxes, job, house, not an alcoholic or violent person.
He worked away a lot from day one and that suited me.
Our relationship has always been around the children, doing things as a family.
We have little in common, both need counselling to ensure we handle things properly and communicate effectively - even if not together - I appreciate pretending something didn't happen isn't the way to handle things.
I've also completely ignored his wishes at times, got a dog when he was adamant he thought it was a bad idea and it was.

The bottom line is having spent months digging through all this shit is that we both felt neglected at times, his response was the affairs and they were all very brief - weeks rather than months - he never wanted to leave at any point - they fizzled out quickly.
My response when feeling neglected was to have another baby, get a dog, another cat, move house, extend it - you get the picture - anything but throw time and energy at my marriage.

So if we both acknowledge that was wrong - he is being husband of the bloody year at the moment, flowers, cards, ice cream, breakfast in bed, 50/50 childcare and house work - can we work this through or is it just too bad ?
I've told everyone we know what happened.
My life without him, I imagine will be harder and tbh it's bloody stressful anyway.
I would still divorce him to make my point and then if we are together going forward it's because we both want it work.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 26-May-13 08:42:25

"can we work this through or is it just too bad ?"

No-one can answer that for you. These situations are highly personal and you have to weigh up what you personally gain/lose by him leaving or staying. All I would say is that even 'brief' affairs leave a lasting stench that is very difficult to ignore, however good your intentions and however many flowers are sent or breakfasts in bed are made. Good luck

Leverette Sun 26-May-13 08:45:24

"I would still divorce him to make my point"

Why would you do this if you actually want to be with him?

FabCatsSlave Sun 26-May-13 08:47:11

I think divorcing him to make your point sounds much the same as what you have been doing up to now tbh. You can't stay with him because you need his money, help in the house, kids need a dad etc etc. You have to only be together if you still love each other and are both willing to be open and honest about what has gone wrong before, accept that there are things you can't do anymore (affairs, another baby, more animals without agreement) and that it is going to take a lot of time, effort and hard work to even get close to what tbh it doesn't sound like you had in the beginning.

I wish you luck.

Mosman Sun 26-May-13 09:19:37

By divorcing him the line is drawn, I'd be getting financial support, my future protected so then the only reason to stay is if I want to.

Mosman Sun 26-May-13 09:21:07

And he does too of course, he has the children's access arrangements in writing so that worry for him is removed which is why he said he didn't leave after the second crisis

HollyBerryBush Sun 26-May-13 09:22:24

* I wanted a family and a father for her and he ticked the required boxes, job, house, not an alcoholic or violent person. He worked away a lot from day one and that suited me.*

You used him. Let him go and find someone who wants him as a person, will fulfil him as a person, not use him as a cash cow.

Bluebell99 Sun 26-May-13 09:28:33

I don't know the ins and outs of your history but your logic sounds flawed. If you divorce him, there is no incentive for him not to have affairs etc. it doesn't sound like you love him tbh, sounds like you saw him as a meal ticket , all the stuff about him ticking the right boxes?!

HollyBerryBush Sun 26-May-13 09:31:05

I feel so sorry for your husband, I really do. TBH I also feel sorry for your children having a cold emotionless xyz for a mother.

comingintomyown Sun 26-May-13 09:47:39

It doesnt sound like you are there for the right reasons more like for the same reasons you married him ie practical ones.

From the sounds of it that hasnt really worked too well

Ashoething Sun 26-May-13 09:53:07

You are looking for excuses to forgive him-again. Decent men do not go and have numerous affairs because they feel "neglected". He will never change and you know this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 26-May-13 09:53:10

I wouldn't divorce him for the reasons you've given, not if you're going to stay with him. For a cheater, even a former cheater, there will be a justification of, "Well, I'm not actually married anymore...".

I understand your reasoning but if he cheats on you - married or not - will it be a consolation that you weren't married? Marriage isn't a sticking plaster and it won't hold you together but not being married won't do that either.

Wish you well and the strength of your decisions. I hope you have somebody you can run through all of these scenarios with in RL, Mosman.

calypso2008 Sun 26-May-13 09:54:00

I have read some of your posts in he past mossman
I think the relationship is over.

I'm sorry for you - it is tough, I am going through the same thing at the moment but in my heart, I know it is over. Nobody wants to go through it but I am hoping I will come out the other side more authentic and happier. I think you would too.

I am also in another country - it is so much harder without support around you. I know.

Mosman Sun 26-May-13 09:54:11

Yeah that's probably true. I'm not cold and emotionless as the fact that I've been fucking devastated by his affairs has proven.
Whether I love him is really bloody hard to answer as currently I don't even like him, it hasn't always been that way but certainly from the start he was keener than I was and we ticked each others boxes. He wanted the family too, nobody held a gun to his head

onefewernow Sun 26-May-13 09:54:32

Mos don't whip yourself like this. You didn't ask him to cheat in you all those years. Yes you may have a part to play in the downfall- didn't we all- but he would have had affairs probably if you had been mother Theresa.

Mosman Sun 26-May-13 10:00:33

Well yes his first wife was mother Teresa and he cheated on her too

onefewernow Sun 26-May-13 10:23:06

There you are then. I think you need to separate out those things you can learn from your own mistakes and bad behaviour( as I said, don't we all) from whether his activities suggest a man with potential for providing the basics. From that perspective it does look worrying.

WhateversNotTaken Sun 26-May-13 10:35:16

Did you ever love him though?

It sounds like you never really have.

I really don't think it's possible to salvage a relationship when there was never any real love there.

You know now that he's a serial shagger. I doubt that will ever change either. We're you the OW in his first marriage?

Mosman Sun 26-May-13 10:46:15

I most certainly was not the OW in his first marriage.

I think I did love him at certain points within the marriage, on our wedding day yes definitely. He was caught out having the first affair within 7 months of our wedding but I kept it to myself - I was 6 months pregnant at the time.
The second one I understand why he sort of stuck two fingers up to me - I was out all the time with work and friends, he was holding the babies and got online and struck up a friendship which led to shagging but then when she asked him if he was going to leave he decided he wasn't and it fizzled out from there.
The last one there's no bloody excuse for opportunism pure and simple. He was working away Mon- Fri and I was making the effort to make it up to him, paying for his digs, cooking his favorite dinner on a Friday night etc, there's simply no excuse.

Mosman Sun 26-May-13 10:50:13

It's hard to say if I've loved him in those periods in between simply because i knew about 1 and 2 deep down, didn't want to rock the boat though.
He lied about being at a job interview, needing to stay away overnight when he was somewhere else, positioning himself to shag somebody after a christmas party - I kicked him out on Christmas eve 2009 - again though I was 9 weeks pregnant with number 4, I couldn't deal with it then. As it happens she didn't fancy him so it never happened but i've no doubt that is the only reason. However that should have been enough to stop the 2011 affair though shouldn't it.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 26-May-13 10:58:08

Without love and respect, there isn't much basis for a real marriage.

He is a serial shagger and will never change. Let him go and you both can then rebuild your lives. He can still be the DC's father.

something2say Sun 26-May-13 11:03:42

Sounds to me as tho you made a bed and might now wish to lie in it??

Both made mistakes yes. Haven't got the backstory but you make it clear enough.

Why not each of you work out a few things you personally need to address and then get on with life? Come back every so often and check in,

Plenty of respect in the meantime, plenty of listening to one another and sober adult behaviour, in the light of what you started......?

I have a lot of respect for those who lie in the bed they made. We all make our beds in the end and if we don't like them, it is up to us to re make them. I think you can grow to love and respect a man base on his behaviour and you an grow to respect yourself too based on your own behaviour.

Mosman Sun 26-May-13 11:14:31

That's true, equally I feel I'm in this mess because I didn't have the confidence to go it alone in the first place and this feels a bit like my sliding doors moment.

imaginethat Sun 26-May-13 11:21:06

I think you quite enjoy the drama. There is always drama in your threads. What would you do for drama if you divorced? I am sure you could find something.

Mosman Sun 26-May-13 11:24:59

Yes that's absolutely it, I'm living the dream.

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