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Don't really know what to make of this

(54 Posts)
ItsDecisionTime Sun 26-May-13 03:26:43

My bf of 18 months and I don't live together, he works as a builder overseas, both for other people and on his own house refurbishment and comes home every few weeks. We are making plans to buy or build a house together once his own is sold and when his commitment to a large building contract has been honoured. We have also talked seriously about marriage.

I would currently like to upgrade some rooms in my own house and, as he really doesn't have the time to just put his current commitments to one side for 3 weeks (and he is completely committed to getting his own property finished), I happily took it upon myself to start getting quotes to have the work done and have kept him in the loop in terms of the prices and discussions with the potential tradespeople.

Tonight, he said that work had quietened down for a few weeks and that it would make more sense if he came home and did the work for me which I was really chuffed about. He then added that he "could do with the work" presumably as he wouldn't be earning any money while his own project was quiet, implying that I would be paying him to do the job. Prior to us being in a relationship, he has done work for me and I've obviously been more than happy to pay the going rate (and he's charged me the going rate) even though we have known each other since childhood and he is a very close friend of the family. I never expected any favours and asked him to do the work purely because he's excellent at what he does and I trusted him to do the best job.

I told him immediately that I wasn't comfortable mixing business up with our private relationship then just blurted out I didn't think it right he should be asking me to pay him particularly given the seriousness of our relationship. He said that was fine and he understood but I could tell by his tone he was either embarrassed or didn't understand at all.

The thing is, the whole episode has left a really bad taste in my mouth but I'm trying to convince myself that for him it is just business. About 12 months ago I loaned him some money (£4k) which to his credit he made every attempt to pay back to me but I doggedly argued the point and convinced him put it to good use on his house so he could get it on the market asap. I almost brought this up in conversation but knowing how he feels about owing people money, I decided it wasn't worth rocking the boat for what just might be a simple misunderstanding.

My mind has now gone into overdrive and I'm wondering if he isn't as committed to our relationship as I thought and whether I'm just an easy option once he returns from working overseas. I'm extremely cautious when it comes to relationships and although I really thought he was the one for me, I don't want to move forward with him if this is the case, I'd rather stay single.

Am I overreacting? You'll probably see by the time of this posting that I've been up all night worrying about it!

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Wed 29-May-13 19:51:58

If I were you, as he's so damn keen to keep things on an even level and all that bs, I'd get the 4k back from him, otherwise you are actually the one 'keeping' his grown daughter, not him!

ItsDecisionTime Thu 30-May-13 03:12:02

Wanted to update everyone on where we are with this as you were all kind enough to help me work through the problem.

Bf believes I got hold of the wrong end of the stick as he would never expect me to pay him for work especially given how generous I am to him (and he did bring up the £4k. I think perhaps he's had time to think everything through and take a long hard look at himself.

I'm not so sure as I heard what I heard. However, we have really cleared the air and have been able to discuss the other issues which were bugging me but without me being confrontational about it.

We are going to spend a couple of weeks away at the beginning of July, away from all the pressures of work, and see how we both feel. I want the relationship to work as apart from this, we get on really great. However, I'm nobody's fool and if I still have doubts after our time together, it's time to put an end to it - and I will.

Thanks everyone, couldn't have done it without you wine

garlicgrump Thu 30-May-13 03:28:53

Oh, good! Well done, and thank you for updating smile

You are nobody's fool, are you. Enjoy your holiday - however it turns out.

BalloonSlayer Thu 30-May-13 09:14:08

"He also has some debtors who owe him money but he doesn't want to chase them as they're friends."

hmm . . . anyone else wonder whether he dropped that one into the discussion because he is worried you'll be asking for your four grand back . . . ?

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