Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DH and I arguing over a bloody cat.

(118 Posts)
ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 21:41:23

Bit of background... been together almost 7years, married for three, 2 DC, 5 & 1.5.

An opportunity to rehome a cat has come up and I'd love to take her in. DH doesn't like cats (just a general dislike not phobic) so we are at a stalemate.

He just got really moody and said that if I get the cat he will actually leave. It's a dealbreaker for him.

I now feel like I want to get the cat and see if he's bluffing or not. This has thrown up so many questions in my head... Does he think that little of us that he'd leave over a cat? it's not about the cat now.

Am I being stupid? I was quite willing to respect his opinion before he threw that into the mix. I just don't get it.

Woohoo! Just seen this thread and the fact that you got your cat through mutual agreement - fantastic!

Just wanted to add my tuppence' worth; I wanted a cat and DH said no for years as a) he didn't like them and b) he was allergic to them. He finally conceded last month on the condition that if I got a cat he could get a motorbike - something I have always 'banned' as I think they are terrifying death traps. I got my cat and he is in love with him and it doesn't bring out his allergies at all. smile He got his 'motorbike' - it's a 20 year old Vespa and doesn't do more than 40mph at a push so I'm happy and he's only going to use it to bob around town, get to work and back a couple of miles away, etc. I was going to suggest tit for tat and he get something he really wanted in return for you getting your way about the cat, as that way you both win, but it seems you've managed to get the cat with his agreement so that's great. smile

lollydollydrop Mon 27-May-13 23:43:31

grin Yayyyyy!!! So happy for you!!

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 27-May-13 00:13:56

Awww I'm glad it was a happy ending grin

TotallyBursar Sun 26-May-13 23:48:31

I'm all for the romance, spill grin. Who wooed, he or you?! Oooh were there eyes across a crowded bike rack? I love a good meeting!

Seriously though - you have made a move together that may well be one of the ties that bind you together during a big crisis (which I of course hope you never have). We never expected to have to deal with some of the stuff we have. Two of these times, the death of a child and a severely disabled, life limited child, this was the thing that ultimately saved us. Harder, but I didn't have to watch the destruction of the rest of my grieving family at our hands. We got stronger. We are very, very lucky, a lot of marriages get broken under the strain. I understand why & ours would have followed if we were still acting like we used to. I'm so bloody grateful we learned in time.
Not a cure all, but it never hurts to stack the odds in your favour!

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 26-May-13 23:30:13

Happy day smile

WafflyVersatile Sun 26-May-13 22:51:31

Awww, look at you two learning and growing together in your relationship. smile

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sun 26-May-13 22:41:55

we definitely have reached an amicable decision. i dont feel like I've cornered him and i dont feel like he's given in to shut me up i can tell he's actually thought about it. his time away at work today obviously paid off as we both got a bit of thinking space.

i do need to be explicit, totallybursar, you are right. i have issues with looking weak and i dont cry, or vocalist my opinion enough because i dont like to look like im bothered by stuff. ive always had that problem so i do need to work on that.

and i could tell you how we met if you really want boak-worthy tales! grin

ZZZenagain Sun 26-May-13 22:07:51

I really couldn't live with a cat. If dh bought a cat, I think that would be a major crisis for us.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 26-May-13 22:07:02

Oh what a fabulous outcome! Thanks for updating smile

myroomisatip Sun 26-May-13 22:05:40

smile smile smile smile smile

Oh I am soooooo glad lol

I have spent so many hours today (I know I should have been busy) watching my kittens chase flies and wasps in the garden! I have laughed so much. It is like having two little kiddies and I am saying to my daughter, 'they are getting lots of fresh air' and 'they will sleep well tonight' smile

It is great you managed to have a productive conversation over this and, honestly, I couldn't really look at someone in the same way if they hated animals, (apart from well, spiders urgh I could not have one of those as a pet!).

They are one of the family and as I type one of my kittens who was and still is, incredibly timid, is snuggling up to me on my sofa. I cant feel lonely when I have her attention smile

TotallyBursar Sun 26-May-13 22:00:36

Of course cat is great & lovely but you guys just grew together grin. That's awesome & I don't care if people boak at my excitement!
He makes a good point - be explicit (wink ) about how you feel, it's not weakness & you can be clear without being hurtful.
You talk, he thinks. Lovely.
What a great model for your DC.
It's all coming up roses thanks

MikeLitoris Sun 26-May-13 21:51:11

How exciting!

Good luck with the cat.

edam Sun 26-May-13 21:47:02

(Just hope you don't argue about kitty's name... I STILL bear a grudge that dh and ds wouldn't let me call our cat Taliesin!)

edam Sun 26-May-13 21:45:30

Hurrah! Not only are you getting a cat, but you and dh have sorted out something that was potentially going to be a huge issue in your relationship. So glad you've worked it out and you are all happy. smile

Ah right, seen the update.

Enjoy your kitty smile

I love cats and I still think you're being unreasonable - you can't force a baby or a pet on someone if its not agreed.

That's why you discuss it before you move in together.

You are the one wanting to change the terms of your relationship.

Beamur Sun 26-May-13 21:28:29

smile

wordyBird Sun 26-May-13 21:12:26

Oh wow smile that's lovely! Have been lurking on this thread, and that's a wonderful outcome in every respect smile

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sun 26-May-13 20:59:55

ill try my best. he genuinely didn't realise we were competitive. he looked really shocked when i described how i felt. told me to stop keeping things to myself.

Lweji Sun 26-May-13 20:57:39

Now, just keep the momentum and negotiate everything else instead of being his way or yours. smile

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sun 26-May-13 20:55:31

he has his moments but i can't imagine being with anyone else smile

Lweji Sun 26-May-13 20:54:08

smile

ithaka Sun 26-May-13 20:40:01

Yay, so happy you are getting your cat.

DH always thought he was allergic to cats, he'd grown up in a home without pets. I thought when I married him I could never have cat, which made me sad, but we were so in love..

Well, as a wedding present, he got me a kitten from the cat home. It was the loveliest, most unselfish gesture of commitment - really, it justified my love for him.

That kitten is 20 this year and so is our happy marriage. It sound like you have the sort of relationship that will go the distance too...

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sun 26-May-13 20:30:31

we've spoken...

he said he hadn't realised things always turn into competitions and apologised for not justifying his reasons properly. he said he didn't mean he'd walk out for good when he said he'd leave. he said he meant for an hour or something. he said he'd always come back with his tail between his legs because he can't live without me grin

i said from now on ill make it clearer when things are important to me and said i accept his decision about the cat it isn't fair on him or the cat. then he said he'd been thinking about the cat all day at work and said it's be great for the kids and he doesn't hate them that much to fall out with me over.

so guess who's coming to stay tomorrow...? grin grin grin

and for the first time it feels like we had a conversation about making a decision and it feels like it was mutual. nobody 'won' or 'lost' smile

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 26-May-13 13:40:08

If he'd be happy for you to get a different pet, I'm not sure it is about control.

How would you feel if he wanted to move in a dog? I know you said he doesn't like them, but it's the same idea.

Would he be happy with you having chinchillas, or degus? Mine are very tame and kitten like, but can be put away in their cage, too.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now