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DH and I arguing over a bloody cat.

(118 Posts)
ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 21:41:23

Bit of background... been together almost 7years, married for three, 2 DC, 5 & 1.5.

An opportunity to rehome a cat has come up and I'd love to take her in. DH doesn't like cats (just a general dislike not phobic) so we are at a stalemate.

He just got really moody and said that if I get the cat he will actually leave. It's a dealbreaker for him.

I now feel like I want to get the cat and see if he's bluffing or not. This has thrown up so many questions in my head... Does he think that little of us that he'd leave over a cat? it's not about the cat now.

Am I being stupid? I was quite willing to respect his opinion before he threw that into the mix. I just don't get it.

olgaga Sat 25-May-13 22:05:17

I guess if you'd rather have a cat than a husband, get the cat.

I'd be appalled if my DH insisted on getting a cat or dog. He did say once he'd quite like a dog again. I said if you get your own place you can do what you like.

He hasn't mentioned it again.

Cailinsalach Sat 25-May-13 22:06:38

Some things are just non negotiable with some people. For me it would be a snake, African Snails or stick insects. Dogs, cats even rabbits or guinea pigs would be ok. Hamsters, mice or any rat type animal would have me iut the door.

I think you maybe have to accept that for your DH, a cat is a pet too far. Sorry it seems a battle.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:07:03

the thing is though, it became more than the cat far too quickly. i haven't been insisting, or stropping about it. i asked twice. politely. certainly haven't gone on and on pushing and goading.

Tobagostreet Sat 25-May-13 22:07:04

It's not a competition - there are no 'winners'.

You're the one who wants to break the status quo by bringing an unwanted (by one party) pet into the equation.

If you'd said at the start of your relationship "I'm the type of person who will want a pet/cat at some point, you need to know this and be ok with it", then fair enough. But having complete disregard for his feelings in not wanting a pet is a poor show.

It's a cat. He doesn't like them. You know this. Get over it.

Beamur Sat 25-May-13 22:07:13

I'll play devils advocate on this one...
My DP was a champion sulker when we met, but I realised he was yanking my chain and started to refuse to engage - and now he doesn't do it anymore.
Perhaps your DP strops the 'small stuff' but would be more mature if you had a genuine problem? But you say you strop too...

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:09:00

tobago , see my post at 21:52.

I've always said i wanted a pet.

Chubfuddler Sat 25-May-13 22:09:07

I wouldn't give a cat houseroom.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:09:43

i do strop. blush

this is ridiculous.

i concede.

Tobagostreet Sat 25-May-13 22:13:01

But did you explicitly say that it was a 'deal-breaker' if that pet wasn't a cat?

My DH would freak if I brought a cat home (I quite like them -he doesn't. No phobia, just not his thing).

I think you're reading too much into this.

A bit of mutual respect required. You both agree on such a big commitment or you don't go ahead with it.

MalcolmTuckersMum Sat 25-May-13 22:13:10

Is there something that he'd like that is a complete NO for you? If so switch positions and how would you think then?

whitesugar Sat 25-May-13 22:14:14

If I had a husband and he wanted to bring a cat into our house I would strenuously object. Just because you want it and he doesn't doesn't mean you have the upper hand. He is perfectly entitled to not want a cat in the house. I would absolutely hate to live with a cat. A while ago we thought we had a mouse in the house and my kids borrowed a cat for the night to get rid of the mouse who might or might not have been in the house. I didn't sleep at all knowing the cat was in the house. It made me actually prefer the option that there might be a mouse in the house than knowing there was a cat in the house.

Maybe the way to avoid this situation in the future is to make pre-marriage courses compulsory and instead of just discussing parenthood etc there could be other agenda items for consideration like animals, textured wallpaper, cheese slices, fake plants and watching Emmerdale.

Obviously joking but I would hate to live with a cat!

independentfriend Sat 25-May-13 22:14:20

Possible stuff relevant to compromise here:

* keep the cat shut out of the bedrooms/any room that your husband particularly uses (I'm thinking home office type thing here)

* locate the litter tray somewhere out of your husband's way.

* be committed to using a cattery/friend who can care for the cat if you need/want to be away overnight.

* think about finances - vet bills/pet insurance/food/toys - if it's solely your cat, then maybe the costs should come out of whatever money you have allocated for non-essentials, rather than generically out of shared money. Maybe he should get a similar quantity of money to spend on something nice for himself?

I'd be with him; an animal moving into my home would be a dealbreaker for living together, for lots of reasons.

Lweji Sat 25-May-13 22:15:39

Tbh, a cat is not like a fish that stays quietly in a corner.

If he doesn't want a cat at home you shouldn't have one.
If you have a good relationship, then do you really want to throw it away for a cat?

If your relationship is crap, though...

My can of worms was when exH started mistreating our lovely kitten. sad
He did get better when I threatened to kick him out.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 25-May-13 22:20:07

actually I think it sounds like your husband just likes 'winning' the argument, being in control, in charge, whatever you want to call it.

or course I could be wrong but your post at 22:07 made me think that. if he quickly shuts down a discussion about something that is important to you, without as much as being willing to explain why then that would ring alarm bells for me. like you say, what happens further down the line when more serious issues arise? I think its a bit off of him to just say he'll leave. if the situation were reversed, how'd he feel if you said the same? I don't think this is about the cat either but there's something not quite right about the way he quickly threw his toys out of the pram over it.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:20:27

the relationship is far from crap and I'll accept im being only slightly unreasonable.

i hate dogs so flip it and that's a dealbreaker for me.

i suppose were both stubborn and a bit childish on the small stuff.

peeriebear Sat 25-May-13 22:20:35

The thing I'm getting from all this is that your H always gets his way.
Why does he always get his way? Why does he always get the final say? If you want to reduce it to childish argument, that's not fair.
Do you just concede to stop his stropping/sulking?

Tobagostreet Sat 25-May-13 22:22:01

Accept the cat is a no go. Have some winewinewine and make up grin.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:23:08

he always gets his way on things because i cba to argue. im not good at confrontation however small.

whitesugar Sat 25-May-13 22:23:53

I have friends who have cats and the minute you walk into their house you smell cat.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 25-May-13 22:24:41

oh and you say you don't disagree much but it sounds like maybe he is just used to getting his own way and cannot handle it when that is challenged. Maybe you don't argue much cos its easier to give in?

If you'd gone on and on and ON about taking in this cat, I could better understand his perspective but as you say, you've only mentioned it a few times and he was already having none of it.

Showtime Sat 25-May-13 22:24:49

If you postpone the cat decision until the youngest is old enough to respect an animal, its possible your DH will be more reasonable, and not make threats to leave on another occasion.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:24:56

i must be a pushover sad

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 25-May-13 22:25:35

x posted with you OP! I knew it! he gets his way because you cba to argue....hmm

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:27:02

so how do i make him more willing to listen to another POV? leaving the cat aside now, if he's always used to having a final say can that be changed?

Chubfuddler Sat 25-May-13 22:27:07

I don't know if you are a pushover. I would shut down a discussion about getting a tarantula or a stick insect or a rodent because the idea would repulse me.

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