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Is he having an emotional affair?

(169 Posts)
Fern65 Thu 23-May-13 11:58:51

DH takes his phone with him just about everywhere and is always checking for messages when I'm not around. He even takes it straight to the bathroom first thing in the morning (if he hasn't already checked it under the duvet before getting out of bed).

He is on Facebook every night messaging whilst looking at other stuff on the internet. I started to worry about him being so secretive and have been trying to see who he's messaging on FB and it's always the same person. He has exchanged messages with her every day since I started paying attention to it all but it's been going on for months. I can't see what they are typing and he hides it if I get too close.

I asked him who she was and he said just a friend. I told him I wasn't happy with the amount of time he was devoting to her and he got very defensive saying that she was the best friend he had had in years. Since then he is still messaging her except the message box is now minimised to the tiniest size on the furthest side of the screen from where I sit.

I've read on here about emotional affairs but at what point does a friendship cross the line and become an emotional affair. I've no idea what the content of the messages is and no way of checking due to passwords. I briefly see her commenting on his FB posts and these can include a heart or xx at the end but then I sometimes do that with my friends. Any opinions?

BornInACrossFireHurricane Thu 23-May-13 23:47:22

What an utter dick. His head would be through the computer screen if he was my husband.

OP, I appreciate how difficult it must seem but he is walking all over you. You deserve so much better

AgathaF Fri 24-May-13 07:46:04

Fern66 can you give a clue as to where you are? It may be that posters here can help with your rights, etc, or there may be posters living there who could offer you RL support.

I so feel for you. I cannot believe that he is being so cruel as to flaunt his 'friendship' under your nose like that. What a nasty piece of work he is.

ladyjadie Fri 24-May-13 10:22:13

Well Petite Madame Lovesong is French...

Does your H speak the language where you are Fern? He's really got it all worked out, hasn't he. You need him and she.. well she fills his 'fun friend' quota. What an arsehole.

I can't believe he said she was the best friend he's had since you were married. What an insensitive man. And so blatantly making a fool of you. He's behaving like a teenager, only he is not one. He has responsibilities and he is not willing to stick to them.

Pilgit Fri 24-May-13 10:33:47

I may well get flamed for this and I don't mean to cause upset or offence as this is a serious issue but it could be more complicated than it seems. He may not realise that what he is doing constitutes and EA. To illustrate what I mean I'll describe what happened in my marriage.

I introduced my DH to a woman who shared a lot of interests with him. I had always trusted him implicitly and so didn't think anything of them spending time together. A friendship developed and they spent an increasing amount of time together. DH was not in a great place at the time and neither was our marriage. She was having difficulties and so they became support for each other. So far so ok (won't say good). However when every conversation was brought back to her, when he did certain things because of her and, quite literally left me holding the baby whilst he pursued his dreams (the details would out me so being deliberately vague) I got paranoid about it and increasingly worried. I communicated all of this to him - not always in very constructive ways and we went into couples therapy. We have now come through it and are stronger than ever. I would maintain that he had an emotional affair (I know she would have taken it further with him and as I still have to see her that hurts) but he would maintain that he didn't. IN his mind I am the love of his life and always was and there was no physical side to it. However because she was an ever present feature of our life and his conversations and hobbies all included her I got a bit psycho about it.

However, DH would never have had a problem with me seeing emails, texts or any form of communication between them. He maintains he has nothing to be guilty for except cutting himself off emotionally from me and our marriage for a while (there were good reasons for that - even if it hurt a lot - don't agree with them but that's the way he reacts to emotionally difficult situations). I think part of the reason for him getting so involved was because she was into him and didn't challenge him - he didn't have responsibilities with her and he's a genuinely nice guy who will help anyone in distress. He never reciprocated her feelings and actually introduced her to her now fiancee.

I suppose the point of this post is that things can be more complicated than they at first seem and going in all guns blazing demanding to see text/email history may not be the way to go. If I were innocent and on the receiving end of that I would refuse. It is the active hiding that would worry me but neither would I demand to invade his privacy as that is quite a 'controlling parent' way of acting.

Lovingfreedom Fri 24-May-13 10:46:20

Well it's not going to just go away. If you let him away with it even if this affair finishes, there will be another to fill it's place. Most important, get legal advice and think in practical terms as much as you can. And don't tell him everything you are thinking. Knowledge is power (cliche but true). Your preferred option might not be to leave, but you need him to see/think that is an option. Face your fear - you already know he's in love with someone else. What have you got to lose by confronting this?

You could say something to him like 'look let's be honest about this...you're obviously in love with someone else....so what now?' And see what he says.

He might:

Admit it, feel guilty, offer to move out, make sure that you and the kids are ok though.

Admit it start crying and saying he's a fool and forgive him. You say 'you're pathetic' and leave him to think it over.

Deny it but you say 'come on I wasn't born yesterday...' And then he minimises it, you repeat 'come on....' until he breaks down and admits it and then you say 'you're pathetic' and leave him to think about it

Say 'she's just a friend' you say 'Oh really? I wasn't born yesterday...blah blah...' and leave him to think about it

Say 'yes, what you going to do about it? You are a SAHM and have no income of your own' and you say 'ok interesting that you see it that way'. and leave him to think it over.

If I were you, whatever his response, I'd tell him that you need him out of the house for a while so you can think things through. He can go to a hotel or whatever. Don't accept the creeping and grovelling he is bound to do. Even if you plan to have him back, don't let him see that.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 24-May-13 11:04:15

I got a bit psycho about it.

Pilgit I am glad things worked out for you and appreciate your frankness in telling your story but tbh I think you had every right to be very concerned and wouldn't label what he drove to you feel as being in the least "psycho".

Fern65 abroad or not, it is not what a kind caring partner does to someone, do you think for a moment he would sit back and let you while away hours chatting to a male in the same room, she may not be bodily there but he is sidelining you. It is an old trick to denounce someone as hysterical/greedy/possessive when actually they themselves are selfishly placing their own desires first for a bit of ego stroking.

I agree with anyfucker, dont sit back and let him take the piss out of you.

Fern65 Sat 01-Jun-13 17:52:23

UPDATE - I confronted h (I refuse to use the d) about the amount of chatting he does with MC (Madam Chanteuse) last week and he apologised profusely and said he would cut it down etc. He told me how much he loved me and how he had acted so badly. I had little concrete proof so decided to bide my time and see what happened.

About an hour ago h left his phone upstairs and went for a shower. It was locked but I have been watching him when he unlocks it and had an idea of the code. I got it right first time. Lots of I love you baby, miss you, you are the most beautiful soul in the most beautiful body that has ever walked this Earth - I could go on. I could kill him, I'm shaking I'm so angry. I checked it again 30 minutes ago and she's sent him a photo of her in just her underwear (can't see the top half just her pants). he's posted something back obviously drooling all over it.

The kids are still awake and I've got to keep my cool and act normal. It's so difficult I just want to cry. I can't control my shaking so I'm keeping away from everyone just now. I don't know why I'm posting this but I have no-one to talk to in real life and I just feel like my world has fallen apart. It's one thing having suspicions but to see the cold hard reality is something else.

I'm going to confront the bastard later.

StuffezLaYoni Sat 01-Jun-13 18:01:53

What a WANKER. Can you take pictures of the messages at all to keep as proof? How dare he treat you like such a fool?

Doha Sat 01-Jun-13 18:06:51

Sounds like he is having a full blown affair as much as he may deny it l think you have your proof.
He has thrown everything away. he needs to leave and give you space. Is the OW married?

headlesslambrini Sat 01-Jun-13 18:18:54

Im sorry this has happened. i agree with taking photos for evidence and if u can get her number.

Fern65 Sat 01-Jun-13 18:27:23

I've tried to take a few photos but it's difficult to get hold of his phone. I've got a couple of good pictures but my hand is shaking so much that they're a bit blurred. She is not married and has mentioned me in one of her posts so she knows I exist. She lives some distance away so it won't have got physical yet. I'm really crap at confrontation and am dreading this. Kids will be going to bed in 30 minutes and then the shit will hit the fan.

TurnipCake Sat 01-Jun-13 18:49:43

Oh darling sad

To be honest, I thought that would be the case, what an utter arsehole. We're here for you

woopsidaisy Sat 01-Jun-13 19:12:31

Can you be sure they haven't had sex?
Bastard.
Stay strong and don't let him off the hook.

forgetmenots Sat 01-Jun-13 19:14:40

So sorry fern sad he is the lowest of the low - stay strong for you and your dcs, it may not feel like it but she has landed the booby prize here.

Fern65 Sat 01-Jun-13 19:23:24

They have only met once so I suppose they could have had sex then. I think I'm more upset about how emotionally involved he is with her.

The bitch in me just wants to download the photo of her in her underwear to her FB public page and ask if she often sends this type of pic to married men.

forgetmenots Sat 01-Jun-13 19:32:54

Save your anger for him - she is a horror but it's him you need to tackle.
Good luck flowers

SisterMatic Sat 01-Jun-13 19:36:17

Bloody hell OP <holds hand>

A1980 Sat 01-Jun-13 19:38:20

I would upload it on fb! Serve her right.

Doha Sat 01-Jun-13 19:53:17

Hell yes l would upload to FB too. She knows you exist so she is not innocent hell hath no fury like a women scorned.
BUT
remember that it is your DH that you have the issue with here, the OW doesn't owe you anything so be wary of washing your dirty linen in public if there are friends/family of your on FB and you wouldn't want them to see it

<<hand holding>>

A1980 Sat 01-Jun-13 19:58:17

You would let her know that you know ...upload to fb smile

Greenkit Sat 01-Jun-13 20:10:55

xx flowers

Beckamaw Sat 01-Jun-13 20:12:54

I am so sorry and just wanted to hold your hand OP.

BriansBrain Sat 01-Jun-13 20:18:21

Don't upload anything on Face Book!

Nottalotta Sat 01-Jun-13 20:25:13

He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve this shitty treatment. Good god i'm angry for you! What a complete arse.

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