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How does one start the 'you are terrible in bed' conversation?

(91 Posts)
PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 11:09:42

That's it really.

I have a very lovely boyfriend, been together 6 mths. For the first couple of weeks sex was also rather lovely especially after my very long break

He was coming off anti depressants when we met, now totally off, and he is cheerful, normal and kind. But they left a bit of a legacy in his penis apparently, and he just could not keep it up. This frustrated and embarrassed him, and I really didn't want to put any pressure on, so til last night we have not had sex for two and a half months.

I wouldn't mind so much, but he literally has not touched me in a sexual way in that time, we kiss and cudde a lot, but it's like he can't put his hands below my neck. And this is a man that says he loves boobs and often comments that mine look nice.

So, last night. He has been to docs and has the blue pills, took him a while, but he did it. Excellent. HE STILL DID NOT TOUCH ME.

Excuse the TMI but: We were in bed. Tshirts on. We kissed a bit, I felt him getting hard on my leg, he said 'it's working' kind of lifted me on top of him (I'm tiny, hes massive and strong). I wasn't quite ready, could have done with a bit more warming up, you know? But I didn't want to spoil the boner, so managed. Rode him for a bit, he lay there eyes closed. I got a bit bored and got off. He got on top for a bit. He came. Rolled off, said thank you. Spooned to sleep.

I feel bloody cheated. I wanted actual sex and an orgasm all of my own not... well whatever the hell that was. Rubbish.

How do I tell him? I know he knows what to do, he did it when we first met. I want him to keep doing it. HELP.

(Everything else relationship wise is great btw, he shares money/housework when he is at mine/buys food etc.)

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 27-May-13 10:24:21

DoingIt's words are good. No pressure for it to be amazing, but encouragement to experiment with other things.

Kittensandkids Mon 27-May-13 09:58:08

I dated a guy like this in 2011, he managed ok but the words he used were:

I'm not very good, if you can just show me what to do or do what you want. blush We ended up being friends, I used to go to his to stay over at his but told him it was friends only and he never tried to/had sex again.

He had 2 Dc though. confused

DoingItForMyself Mon 27-May-13 09:51:28

Perhaps if he put some effort into turning you on, it would help him too. My BF loves watching me while he gives me pleasure, we rarely have PIV sex as tbh its not the most satisfying way for either of us. Perhaps that's the conversation you should be having? Something along the lines of "it doesn't have to be 'actual' sex, why don't we just be really nice to each other and see what happens, it could be some fun, it could be fireworks, but either way we're getting close to each other and having a nice time."

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Mon 27-May-13 09:28:24

Nope. Nothing. I could scream.

Can anyone please give me the words. Like a script? I don't want him to feel bad, but I'm losing the will here.

Darkesteyes Sat 25-May-13 18:10:25

I agree with OldRaver. OP in those two months where he was struggling he could have been giving you oral or manual stimulation.
I sometimes wonder if people are still harbouring deeply ingrained old fashioned attitudes to sex like PIV is the only valued type of sex.
And noplace he CAN finish it. He can make you orgasm with his mouth or fingers surely.
Ive seen on loads of threads where the tables are turned that women are happy to give BJs when they dont feel like, or cant have PIV sex yet when its the other way around it doesnt seem to get reciprocated.

noplacelikehome Sat 25-May-13 17:56:53

I sympathise hugely, OP.
I have been in this situation with my DP for 3 years now and I am getting to the end of my rope with it.
He hates himself for it and it doesn't make me feel very good about myself either.
He has to be almost begged to touch me below the waist. He won't initiate as he has tried and failed so many times he now doesn't want to start something he can't finish.
He went to the doctor and was given viagra but this gave him horrendous headaches. Next was cialis, which had lesser side effects and made everything work fine but as they are on private prescription they are horrifically expensive long term.
Weeks go by with nothing, then we'll have another go.
He can feel it getting hard but then it just goes away.
There is obviously nothing wrong physically or it would never work but, like you, I just want some normal good sex.
He has just lost all confidence now.
Why is this happening? I don't know.
Like yours, he is such a lovely man and I would be so reluctant to call time on the relationship because of this, but we are missing out on so much.

NotDead Sat 25-May-13 13:01:29

btw dont ask him if you are on a promise! that will freak him out just say thinking about the other night and touching myself..I want you between my legs licking me whilst I suck you.. or something. . get foreplaying by text and tell him how hot it makes you.. cant hurt can it??

NotDead Sat 25-May-13 12:03:29

Sorry to hear this.. I'm a bloke who is v. sexual but who also occasionally has no/easily reduced erections. I dont really mind as for me all the rest is even more arousing than the penetration bit.. for me this is partly because penetration can feel like an endurance exercise. .even more so if this has been so obviously missing for a while.. similar to a new rel. getting it up is so sought after that this simple goal gets in the way of actually being turned on.

it definitely sounds to me like the v-shag was more of an experiment for him and it also sounds like his cock was up.. but he wasn't really, fully turned on. A tip from me would be to make a big deal of his cock and show you are really enjoying it.. if you had taken the lead..graphically slid it in and out of you and made him watch..and if you were noisy.. then I expect he would have been less automaton..

but you MUST do something.. either get comfortable with talking dirty so you can tell him what you like..do it by text when he is elsewhere..its awesome. . or just say I'm not getting anything today could you..xxx.. its not ok to have bad sex.. but it doesn't help if you don't tell him!

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Fri 24-May-13 16:27:04

Hahahahaha! no stop it grin

ladyjadie Fri 24-May-13 15:01:36

is he a voice from a well known radio show grin

Oldraver Fri 24-May-13 11:57:10

No you are not being hasty and mean...sex should be more than PIV and no orgasm or any effort toward one. If he hasn't been able to have an erection for months this should not if discluded other stuff.

Yes you need to bring it up with him

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Fri 24-May-13 11:44:43

Not tried again. He was tired last night. Not seeing him til Sunday now, as we both have functions this weekend. We'll chat on the phone tomorrow though, so I shall possibly ask if I'm on a Sunday promise. Gently.

As for his famousness, no way! You nest of vipers lovely ladies will try and guess and can you imagine shock

ladyjadie Fri 24-May-13 09:44:16

Have you tried again Pusscat?

That sounds bad, I'll rephrase, Have you had sex again since your OP?

Give him another chance, you say it was all good at first, and then if he is selfish again say something.

It's horrible not being able to come (my old AD's did this to me, horrible little fuckers) and it must be awful to a man's precious ego to not be able to get it up. the AD's should be fully out of his system soon (some can take up to six months to fully bugger off) so don't despair just yet.

On a nosy nosy note, sort of famous like how? Give us a vague field pleeease (sport/music/cult leader?) grin

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 24-May-13 00:13:12

He just sounds incredibly nervous to me. Like if he starts something you'll be expecting some kind of amazing sex and he's worried he can't do that so he's holding off altogether.

i see that you've tried to take the pressure off by not expecting anything but that might be too far the other way. Maybe you could try giving him permission/reassurance that "not full sex" is enough, work up from touching boobs to below the waist to going further etc but not in one session, making it clear that just that us fine and you're not expecting things to go further. Takes the pressure off but also allows things to build up again.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 23-May-13 23:54:29

Two men? Careful not to overidentify with Lillian, pusscat.

I too have had to spell out my needs in words to someone, twas v strange broaching the subject, but worth it. For most, though, they seemed to respond to body language hints, as it were, or do what I wanted on their own initiative. (Oh dear, sounds like I have shagged millions, sadly not true)

kotinka Thu 23-May-13 23:52:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 23:37:05

I'd never rule anything out kotinka wink

kotinka Thu 23-May-13 23:34:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 22:31:46

And I'm not bloody dressing up for anyone. Just saying.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 22:30:48

if it stays all about him singapore I don't think it will last. I'm not really a saint sad

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 22:29:32

DaveDee I think this is it. Everything is so GREAT, apart from this thing. And it is big for me, I really like sex, and find it to be the glue of a partnership, I was once married, in the dim and distant past, to someone I had nothing in common with but the sex was really bloody good, so I stayed in that too long. Now all the other stuff is right and... Well maybe I can just manage it?

singaporefling Thu 23-May-13 22:22:41

I've had similar problems with DP... Crazy/hot for each other initially but it was ALWAYS about him... Did/tried everything...dressing up/dressing down/different approaches...but it was STILL always about him, foreplay non - existent/ little or no reciprocity... Lost the will/gave up completely years ago as it was soul-destroying/made me feel used/unattractive/frustrated...and impacted every other area of home life creating tension and friction. However, we're still together, reasonably happy, usual ups and downs... Dont want to live without him but we simply dont have sex, consequently barely touch - because if we did, he'd want a quickie and im just not going there... Sorry, am not being helpful am i, but reading your op brought it all back...

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch Thu 23-May-13 22:18:33

(We're married now, btw)

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch Thu 23-May-13 22:18:04

Relationships aren't all about sex, only you know if the relationship outside of the bedroom is worth it. We had problems six months in, that went on for five years - lots of people would have walked, but we got on amazingly well outside of that one thing, so the relationship was worth sticking with. But, and it's a big but, if he's not willing to work on it himself, then it'll never work.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 22:15:29

I didn't mean that lovingfreedom. Quite the opposite. You're a bit like my conscience, and I like your posts. You may well be right and I'll take that. I'm being my own devils advocate right now, if you see what mean?

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