Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I dont think my husband loves me anymore(59 Posts)
Bit of a long post so please bear with me. I could really do with some advice. Things havent been great between my DH and myself for a while ,generally grumpy and not very nice to each other. I just thought we were going through a rough patch I had a baby in February and we also have another DD who is 5. I had a rubbish pregnancy and was signed off on mat leave early , I was quite poorly after too. I know this made me grumpy and I probably snapped at him a lot. Financially things are tough plus at work at the moment he is not doing very well, all about meeting targets and things not going to plan at the moment, I feel when work is not going well he takes it out on me. He also seems to not be connecting with new baby which makes me so sad and is only interested in out 5 year old. On sunday he broke down and said he didnt think we could make it work and that even though he loves me he is not sure whether things can go on and he cant see any solutions. We have agreed for my parents to have the DC at the weekend so we can talk but I feel like he has already made his mind up and is going through the motions.
I feel sick constantly and I am worried about the children, I feel sad for our baby who has been brought in to this unhappiness. I still love my husband and the thought of being a single mum scares the S**t out of me. I dont know how to solve things and feel like Im free falling. Has anyone been through this and can offer any advice?
Hi skat, how are things with you? Has your DP been to the doctor yet?Xx
skat - I really hope that it isn't an affair. I rarely shout LTB, but I do advise people to keep their eyes open and keep an open mind.
I desperately hoped that my XH was having a breakdown, or mid life crisis, because who in their right mind, just announces one Friday evening, out of nowhere, that they aren't happy and don't want to be there any more. I had no idea that he was even unhappy and he was planning to leave.
I refused to see that OW was OW. I defended their friendship on here, but MN finally made me see sense and see it for what it was.
I know that you haven't found anything like that and I hope that you don't.
If he is depressed, then he needs to go to the doctor. If he has seriously bought a tent to live in then he is not thinking rationally.
It sounds very much like he has depression to me.
Have you suggested he seee the GP.
Looking at things from his point of view,
things are tough financially
he has a new baby
and work is not a nice place for him to be right now.
Sounds to me like what is going on at work has tipped him into depression.
tbh, I didnt like the buying a tent bit. That does not sound very rational as a place to live if things get more difficult for him.
I think you should try and see if you can persuade him to see his GP as a matter of urgency.
Have you talked to him about whether he's seeing anyone else else Skat? Or checked his phone?
So sorry that you are going through this, like someone else said dont make any decisions yet. It sounds like you both still love each other, but are overwhelmed by life.
There is hope...this time last year my husband and I were in a very bad place, I had just had a baby, he was diagnosed with ME, we were financially very insecure, his business was failing. We were both diagnosed with severe anxiety and put on anti depressants. It took everything we had just to get through the day, feed clean our children and ourselves. We were very distant and unable to support each other. I know neither of us felt very loving toward each other and blamed each other for all that went wrong.
Today a year on, We are more in love, and stronger than ever (Been together 12 yrs). He has a steady income, I am back working part time. We are off the anti depressants.both mentally and physically healthy. We even have the energy to undertake major renovations on our home.
Splitting up is rarely the answer. Just try to hang on in there.... And things will shift....sooner than you think. Take small moments just to ' be' together. A hug, a hand hold.....
Hope everything work's out well for you skat.
He has also agreed to see doctor regarding this black cloud he says is over him all the time , so even though I'm not fully convinced he is committed I guess that's a start
I think there is a real possibility that he has emotionally checked out already however I feel I have to give him the benefit of the doubt otherwise there is no point. I think in the meantime I'm going to start thinking about me reconnect with some old friends and just put some things in place just in case. Just try to stay strong for the girls really.
So the plan is now that he's going to try to save the marriage, or that he's already emotionally checked out and is going to leave you and live in a tent?
Watch out for things just drifting on while he "makes up his mind" whether to go or not, it's not fair on you. Hope you get some clarity soon.
I think it is horrid that everyone jumps to the affair conclusion. As if OP doesn't have enough to worry about.
I would guess he loves camping and the long weekend may even be him going to camp by himself in order to think things through and decide what he wants.
Many men like/ need to seek isolation when they are stressed and feeling clouded.
This could still have a happy ending....
Counseling probably the best option if he will agree to it
I asked about the tent he said it was for him, somewhere to stay if he leaves. I believe him. Sad that he has secr
etly been planning his escape.
Thank you for all your posts they have helped a lot.
Hope you're ok today skat.
I wouldn't see the tent as conclusive of anything on its own, but the thing is we're not you. We don't have access to all the subtle cues and body language and relationship history you've got. If you know something is weird about that, and about the sudden taking days off, then trust your instincts and don't be fobbed off.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through skat. I experienced almost the exact turn of events you have described. Husband distant, moody, out of the blue turns round and says he doesn't know whether he wants to be with me any more. That was the giveaway for me, I know what he's like and there's no way he would ever be able to make a firm decision because he knew he would look like a right bastard if he left me and our small child.
Anyway I too snooped, found emails to suggest an affair with a colleague (and he was only ever at work or with us too, but it's amazing what can be achieved during a lunch hour or "rush hour traffic"!).
I am by no means a strong person, but I confronted him with undeniable evidence and told him to come home and ps k his bags. OW didn't want him, she was younger and not ready to be a stepmum or get involved (oh the irony!) plus they would've both lost their jobs as they work with vulnerable people.
Anyway, as risky a strategy as it is, I do think a short, sharp shock is what is needed here (if indeed he is having an affair). Make him experience how life would be without his family, having 2 kids to stay over in what would likely be a small bedsit or house share. Doing his own washing etc, having no-one to come home to if an evening.
If he is allowed to hang about and casually make a decision it puts him in control of your destiny, plus he gets the best if both worlds. He needs a wake-up call, yes life is shit sonetimes, having small children is hard, but look at the bigger picture. I remember wanted to shake my husband, trying to make him see that this wasn't what he wanted. Who would he spend Christmas with, go on holidays with, what about in 20, 30, 40 years' time?
And if he doesn't want to be with you after all, you have not wasted weeks/months in limbo, walking in eggshells in your own home, worrying that any small thing you do may tip the balance.
Do this and I am certain he will come to his senses, if that's what you want. As it happens, when my husband moved out for a bit I made a real effort to do stuff for me. It actually ended up being rather a nice break! I would have complete peace on a weekend (when he had kids), freedom to choose whatever I wanted for dinner, not having to do as much washing/ironing as before.
If you can get some RL support I would really encourage you. So that you know if he DID leave, yes it would hurt but you would still have people who love you, you ARE loveable, you would still have a life. My family were a godsend, babysitting so I could go to the gym or out for dinner with a friend. I know this is not always possible when you have a small baby, but even if you could get an hour to go out for a walk or a coffee it might clear your head.
Anyway I am getting ahead if myself, this is all ASSUMING he has been unfaithful and then that you want it to work. This happened to me 18 months ago and we had counselling jointly and separately, I can't say we are happier than ever because sadly, in my opinion, he broke what we had and even if it was a cry for help, he should've just cried for help instead! But it will take more time I think, I know I need to be more forgiving (for my own benefit, as much as for his) and we both need to work on some of our behaviours. Although what he did was wrong, I do need to look at how I behaved to make the marriage unhappy too.
Sorry for the long post, I hope it has offered you some comfort though x
Why would someone buy a tent with a baby of 3 months and the longest coldest never-ending winter on record..?
You wouldn't catch me camping with a toddler and a baby. Even in a balmy summer....
Hope it works out for you OP.
Oh, and if worse comes to worse, I know single motherhood sounds utterly daunting, but I've done it for 21 years and it really is preferable to living in a bad relationship....
I do think you should check out that male PND info mentioned upthread.
A toddler and a new baby are hard to deal with, because it's relentless.
Well I'm currently waiting up for my lovely not-a-bastard of zillions of years to come in from work, so I certainly haven't been to a spot-one school
I've never personally advised anyone to LTB and felt that was bad advice. But unlike a lot of very sage posters on here who've been through the mill with awful blokes and can speak from personal experience of them, my perspective is really different. It's because I know what a good bloke is like (and hopefully a really good relationship) that I can spot a badun' a mile off.
And FWIW, having helped a few mates in recent years who've been through affairs (both having them and being cheated on) I'm not one of those posters who thinks that an affair has to be the end, as long as it all comes out into the open, the OW/OM gets dumped and the one who's done the cheating sorts him or herself out. So while I'd support someone who knew she couldn't forgive, I'd also say 'take your time' and not judge someone who wanted to hang on to her relationship as long as her partner walked the talk and made proper amends.
Take this thread. If it's an affair, I bet it's not that this bloke has really stopped loving his wife. But having this affair has probably made him think he has and that the grass is greener elsewhere. But it's probably just lust blinding him to what will really make him happy long term. To me, that's easier to deal with than a bloke who's really fallen out of love and wants out, to be on his own. But I accept that's just theory and I might feel differently if it happened to me.
From the content of the actual OP though it didnt sound like he didn't love her (to me) just that he felt desperate about something, and wanted that to change:
On sunday he broke down and said he didnt think we could make it work and that even though he loves me he is not sure whether things can go on and he cant see any solutions
I definately agree that its good others come here to post for help, and that others can spot signs and advise, help ease the hurt and not waste unnecessary time on low-life cheating bastards. I just feel sad for OP.
I'm either shocked or sad (or both) that posts like this all go the same way, I would like that there were different endings too. How awful I was very curious whether anyone here has either advised someone to LTB, or thought they should leave at the beginning of a thread, and then later down the line reassessed that judgement and actually he's not a bastard after all? Or did you all go to 'Spot the Bastard' school?
From what OP has told us I don't understand why she would jump to the conclusion that her DH didnt love her anymore
Well I'd have thought him telling her he wants out of the relationship was a bit of clue, wouldn't you?
You sound kind lollydollydrop, but if you stay long enough around these parts, you'll start noticing a very familiar pattern to threads like the poor OP's. It starts with an OP about a husband who's been grumpy and irritable for months, who's been working long hours and is claiming stress because of it and is behaving as though he's gone off his wife. Usually at some point he'll either say "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "I love you but this isn't working and has to end" and by the end of the thread the OP has found enough evidence of an affair to sink a battleship and it turns out that the affair started just before he started getting grumpy, he hasn't been working long hours at all and his feelings for his wife went out the window as soon as the OW walked into his office.
It's really good that so many posters spot these warning signs, because it stops a woman bending over backwards to appease an unfaithful man and trying to make him come back to the marriage when his attentions are elsewhere and he's lying to her.
I suppose on rare occasions, it's possible that there's no OW involved, but I've never seen these set of circumstances and there hasn't been an affair behind it, either in RL or on Mumsnet.
Nothing would please me more one of these days to find a thread like this with a different ending, but even if there's no conclusive evidence either way on this one, the cynic in me says the OP just hasn't found it yet, or doesn't want to.
Perhaps I am young and naive, but I really hope you are wrong badinage I thought it was a nice day to go for a bike ride.
From what OP has told us I don't understand why she would jump to the conclusion that her DH didnt love her anymore, I agree with those who suggested his words were reflective of not being able to cope with the current situation. Maybe the title hints at OP's insecurity due to having a new baby and all the change that goes with that, or maybe she deep down feels something is seriously wrong.
I'm wondering how much the tent cost- my OH spent £830 (!!!!!!!!!!) on a tent and if it was stupid money, or if OP is tight for money then that could explain the hiding the receipt. I wouldnt give him the idea of any of these explanations/excuses though, just see what he comes out with.
I'm quite new to this forum, and know that there are a lot of very supportive lovely knowledgable ladies on here whose advice I respect and I feel this place is much nicer than other forums on MN- esp AIBU whereby sometimes I read comments which to my mind are just bullying. Eventually I will post here about my rship perhaps. The ladies who take time to advise a lot, do seem to have a lot of experience/exposure to problems in relationships but theres one thing I wonder... is there a tendency to assume that the OH is having an affair/its EU/financial abuse/LTB and so on? I know there are often red flags which hint at this, but just for the fact that people post on this particular forum, or have experienced abuse themselves, does this make us more inclined to believe its something very bad occurring...??
Just musing really whether I am too young/naive/optimistic and actually its far more common than I would like it is (So sorry for hijack OP I hope you are ok)
Are all the posters on here actually reading the thread?
The sudden two nights away is more suss than the receipt, but I expect the OP knows her husband's a creature of habit and that camping in a tent was what they did when they needed some privacy and 'time together' in their early days.
These threads are always so sad. The Op always starts off saying her partner's got no time for an affair, then later on mentions 'bike rides' and '2 unexpected nights away with work' and it shows that in fact there are so many opportunities for her partner to be meeting up with someone else.
I would think his phone would hold more clues than a car boot though.
Have you had any counselling? Something like Relate can make a huge difference in helping you reconnect and realise that you do love each other and how to move forwards. Kids (esp new baby) plus tough times at work would place a strain on even the most perfect relationship.
Can't imagine some OW being impressed by going camping though. I know this is no laughing matter but I am just imagining what my reaction would be if I was expecting to go away for an illicit couple of days and he produced a fecking tent, and it ain't "oh darling, how romantic!" I can assure you.
Hope you get some explanation.
Hi skat, really hoping for you that there is an innocent explanation. Maybe he wanted to surprise you with camping to remind you both of start of relationship, or is there a birthday coming up soon?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.