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I dont think my husband loves me anymore

(59 Posts)
skat73 Thu 23-May-13 10:56:55

Bit of a long post so please bear with me. I could really do with some advice. Things havent been great between my DH and myself for a while ,generally grumpy and not very nice to each other. I just thought we were going through a rough patch I had a baby in February and we also have another DD who is 5. I had a rubbish pregnancy and was signed off on mat leave early , I was quite poorly after too. I know this made me grumpy and I probably snapped at him a lot. Financially things are tough plus at work at the moment he is not doing very well, all about meeting targets and things not going to plan at the moment, I feel when work is not going well he takes it out on me. He also seems to not be connecting with new baby which makes me so sad and is only interested in out 5 year old. On sunday he broke down and said he didnt think we could make it work and that even though he loves me he is not sure whether things can go on and he cant see any solutions. We have agreed for my parents to have the DC at the weekend so we can talk but I feel like he has already made his mind up and is going through the motions.

I feel sick constantly and I am worried about the children, I feel sad for our baby who has been brought in to this unhappiness. I still love my husband and the thought of being a single mum scares the S**t out of me. I dont know how to solve things and feel like Im free falling. Has anyone been through this and can offer any advice?

FlatsInDagenham Thu 23-May-13 18:35:34

What does he percieve to be the problems to which he can't see solutions?

Cailinsalach Thu 23-May-13 18:40:54

He and you may be suffering from stress or depression. Take your time to talk over your issues. Listen to exactly what the other is saying and then decide the best course of action. Counselling may help. Having a small baby is so hard and can put such an enormous amount of pressure on you both. I wish you luck.

Mumsyblouse Thu 23-May-13 18:54:36

I don't hear that he doesn't want to be with you, but more that he is overwhelmed by his life at the moment, 'that 'can't go on' statement, work, baby, everything because he knows the pressure is on to provide and he's clearly stressed/failing at work. He will also be sleep deprived (like you) even a FF baby wakes in the night and three months in you do feel awful.

Men often say 'I can't go on' when women say 'I can't cope'- it means he's stressed and depressed and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I would not make any major decisions about your future after three months with a newborn, really, unless there were very big problems beforehand. But talking about it is the way forward, so glad you are getting some time together.

I hope you find a way through this.

skat73 Fri 24-May-13 12:01:37

Thank you so much for your messages of support. I am really hoping that we can talk through it tomorrow and can get through this. I think he is depressed and I really hope I can help him through it and get through the other side.

MadBusLady Fri 24-May-13 12:13:34

Well, you certainly can't solve any problems until he's told you what problems he's got. So I really hope the conversation tomorrow is productive. It would be better if you could have it tonight really, if the DC can go to your Ps earlier? It's horrible to have this kind of thing hanging over you.

MadBusLady Fri 24-May-13 12:19:31

On depression, by the way, don't suggest that to him - let him come out with it himself. If he really does have it and that really is the problem, there are lots of questionnaires on the internet which will make that clear. If he doesn't, and is actually just being an arse in some sense, the depression label gives him easy cover. Sorry, but true.

tessa6 Fri 24-May-13 12:20:54

Without wishing to be a bringer of bad news, often a hidden affair only comes to light when a partner breaks down but only admits to struggling in life in general, not to the deception and the disconnection having feelings for someone else creates.

Is there any way you could see whether this might be the case? It would be a shame if you wasted months and months discussing stress and depression if there was something else behind it.

Charbon Fri 24-May-13 12:23:08

Hmmm...

This might be about feeling overwhelmed with the pressures of work and a new baby, but I also think there's a possibility he has met someone else and that this accounts for why you haven't been getting on for such a long time and his sudden 'I can't go on' declaration.

Unfortunately, a peak time for affairs is during pregnancy, so please don't rule this out. You might want to think about finding this out for yourself one way or another before having the Big Chat because very often in these situations, an outright denial is issued.

One of the clues to look for when you have this chat is what efforts he offers to make to repair your relationship. If there is an expectation from him that all or most of the changes must come from you, this is what's known as the 'setting you up to fail' conversation, if an affair is involved. It means that no matter how many hoops you jump through, the marriage is not going to get better because he has no investment in it any longer - because he is investing elsewhere.

Tread carefully - and be curious about what's really going on here.

Charbon Fri 24-May-13 12:24:06

We must have been writing our posts at the same time there Tessa!

MadBusLady Fri 24-May-13 12:34:30

Well, I started writing a similar one, but thought "No, hopefully not." sad

I think the main thing is to approach the conversation in an open-minded way. One way or another, there is more information to come from him.

Charbon Fri 24-May-13 12:39:35

My perspective on this is to be open-minded too, but that means being open to the possibility that the OP doesn't have the full facts at her disposal and that her partner might not willingly give them either. So yes, more information is needed, but not only from him.

Lizzabadger Fri 24-May-13 12:43:50

Another one who is thinking possible affair. I really hope not and that you can sort things out.

skat73 Fri 24-May-13 17:08:35

I have considered an affair but he only goes to work, otherwise he is pretty much with family. I'm wondering if he may have met someone but perhaps nothing has happened yet...

Charbon Fri 24-May-13 19:33:19

I think if he has met someone else, then unfortunately something probably has happened already, for him to be talking like this.

Is it possible that he's connected with someone at work itself, or online? Regrettably, lots of affair meet-ups happen during what is supposed to be the working day. People see eachother in their lunch-breaks, they synchronise days off, meet after work for short periods etc. Partners are often none the wiser because they associate affairs with nights out or away.

Have you noticed any odd phone behaviour or him staying up late/going to bed early? Or any increase in errands that just have to be run that take him out of the house?

skat73 Sat 25-May-13 17:13:12

I think you are right girls feel sick and don't know what to do now

MadBusLady Sat 25-May-13 17:20:43

sad sorry to hear that, on phone now and be back later, just offering virtual handhold for now. You and DCs are what matter, he is a faithless twat!

poppycat04 Sat 25-May-13 17:27:34

Why do you think you're right Skat?

poppycat04 Sat 25-May-13 17:28:13

sad

giggly Sat 25-May-13 17:37:51

You do know that men can have PND, google the Edinburgh PND scale and see if he fits the bill. Fingers crossed for you.

skat73 Sat 25-May-13 17:43:27

Snooping not one of my best traits but found something incriminating wish I hadn't looked to be honest.. he is out on a bike ride now and I have no idea how to be when he gets back

skat73 Sat 25-May-13 17:45:47

We talked all morning and I thought he wanted to work it out

lunar1 Sat 25-May-13 17:53:34

I hope you are wrong op. it there room for interpretation on what you have found?

poppycat04 Sat 25-May-13 17:55:34

How incriminating? Any chance there's an innocent explanation? Can you ask him about it without him realising you were looking? Its a horrible situation for you to be in.

skyeskyeskye Sat 25-May-13 18:08:13

What have you found? Enough to be concerned obviously sad

My XH announced he didn't love me and walked out. We talked for hours and he came back but unknown to me he was texting OW all the time. He went again after six weeks.

Guilt can make them stay when they don't really want to. I discovered flirty Facebook chat which led me to checking his mobile bills and emails.

See what else you can find out, stay strong but don't let him take the piss out of you. If there is someone else then he is checking out of your marriage and will start to blame you for everything.

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